Okay, after being with my boyfriend for three years and being frustrated the past two years about not being able to have sex I decided to get on the pill. I've been on it for about a month and a half now and for this month I've been using lubrication to loosen myself up every night (I was too tight for him to get in). So last night I was excited about being able to get three fingers in and we decided to try it. Well, he managed to get in but it was painful for me. I let him go in for a few minutes and he said he could feel it loosening up and after that it just felt like the pain got worse and I told him to stop. I've read all over these threads and I was wondering if maybe I should let him finger me instead? I wanted to ask him to last night but it feels like it has to be at the right angle or it will hurt. Is this normal for women or is it just because I'm a virgin? Should we not try it again until I (or he) can put my fingers in with no problem no matter what position or angle? Another thing is, when I put my fingers in it hurts a little whenever I first put them in and if I take it out and put them back in it hurts then too. So should I just keep at this, it feels like it's taking forever and that these pills are a waste since I'm not loose enough. Is there anything else I could do to ease the pain or loosen up more?
Thu, 07/24/2008 - 01:31
#1
Painful penetration - Need some advice
Well, when we first started dating, me and my gf were both virgins. We didn't have sex until after about... maybe 6 months of dating. Before we had sex, I had been fingering her for about 5 months or so, and could put 3 fingers in her without her feeling pain, she actually begged for it :p
By the time we finally had sex for the first time, she didn't feel any pain and she had an orgasem! I know most peoples first time is usally sloppy and not so fun, but ours was great! (I know that last bit was off topic, but it makes me happy to share!)
But basically, make sure your very wet, maybe use some extra lubrication, and lots of fingering.
i once had an experience iwth a girl.. who was also very tight... 1 finger was wrapped tight.. 2 was a struggle n 3 was a force.. and well im not small either.. so when it came for us to try sex (we weren't dating just having fun) there was no way in hell i was getting anywhere near there, lol..
now i realised this after but she was very tense and what not.. which would of clasped and tightened the vaginal muscles almost making it impossible for me to enter. not saying this is ur case but each to their own.
tried on another occasion just fingering and playing and she was very very tight and well i realised then that the size of my fingers to my penis is not close.. and i realise now that it would of just hurt her immensly if i had of tried to force it in. but being like 7.8 inches n not even being able to get 1 finger in easily i did not see me getting in at all.
as for you trying to loosen up.. just lost n lost of foreplay. anything for you to relax and a lot of fingering.. slowly going from 1, to 2 finger to 3 and so on until you are comfortable with an easy 3 and maybe a tight 4..
it wont happen overnight and well it will take some time however its not the end of the world issue if it doesn't work all of the time. i mean.. we cant help these things they just happen. but it will all work itself out eventually and the pain should stop.. if it does not stop and it continues to be as painful as u say might want to visit a local WGP however im talking quite a while.
i wish u all the best with it all
Well I guess I'll just have to keep at it then lol. I was relaxed the whole time, even when he was in there and it was hurting a bit. I also made sure to use plenty of lube. I put my fingers in for a little before he went in and with the foreplay and the lube it didn't hurt when I put them in that time. I am hoping this doesn't take 4 or 5 months, I thought it would be a month at the most lol. We're kind of tight on money and paying for these pills every months just seems pointless to me if by the time we can actually have sex I'll be going back for another pap. Anyway, thanks for all replies. I guess I'm doing everything I can right now, just can't rush it.
Well, we didn't do it for 4 or 5 months for that reason. We did it for so long because we wanted to be sure we were right for each other, and that we would not regret our first time. I am glad we took our time.
[QUOTE=CleverName;219737]Well, we didn't do it for 4 or 5 months for that reason. We did it for so long because we wanted to be sure we were right for each other, and that we would not regret our first time. I am glad we took our time.[/QUOTE]
That's good to know, I'm glad you had such a good first experience. And thanks for that reply, it made me feel a bit better lol. 4 months seemed kind of long to me but I figured I just didn't do enough research before getting on the pills.
Three fingers is a real stretch for many women, experienced or not.
How are you defining your virginity? Is your Hymen intact?
The discomfort you are experiencing can be caused by one or more factors. Chief among these might be the fact that your Hymen is fully or partially intact and rubbing against the membrane can cause some irritation.
If it has been torn or has eroded away then you may be "tight" from being nervous. Vaginismus is a medical condition that might also be a contributing factor; although, before investigating that, I believe you should know the status of your Hymen, be making out heavily and for a minimum of half an hour before moving on to Foreplay and ultimately attempting intercourse. You do not provide enough information about whether the two of you are spending sufficient time to this necessary part of making love or not. Using a commercial lube is good advice. Make sure it is applied all over the penis and to the entire surface of the vaginal entrance. If he or you are using fingers, make sure the fingers are well lubed, also.
How wet do you generally become? Even if very, this does not mean that the mucus is covering the entire entrance and if not, this can cause irritation. Add a partially or fully intact Hymen and you have more dry surface area to rub.
An exercise you can try to expand the vaginal opening is to sit in a bathtub partially filled with very warm water (no soap or bubble bath). The water will relax the tissue. Begin each exercise by inserting one finger and tugging against the opening and holding the pressure for several seconds. Move on to each of the other four quadrants. Do this once or twice a day for a couple of weeks. Eventually you should be able to comfortably insert two fingers and when you can, you can also insert one from each hand and tug in opposition. These exercises can often help make the entrance more pliable.
If the discomfort is a result of rubbing against the Hymen then you should probably decide to go ahead and rupture it. There is an article on this in the Index and I have described the technique in several threads.
My hymen is partially there and we definitely didn't make out for 30 minutes before the foreplay. We haven't gotten into it like that for awhile, we knew we couldn't have sex before (didn't want to do condoms and spermicide, we both wanted the pill or ring first) so eventually we stopped ourselves and just didn't really do it that often. Next time we do try it I'll be sure to talk to him and make sure we're both more aroused and do a lot more foreplay then last night. Also, thank you for posting the exercises with the bathtub. I'll be sure to try that tomorrow and once I'm able to fit in two fingers I'll talk to my boyfriend about trying it again. I'll check out the thread that you mentioned, I never thought about breaking my own hymen so I'm sure that will also help. Thanks again for your reply, it helped a lot.
Doc gave you really good advice, but I would also like to ask you, do you ever masturbate? If you do, do you ever orgasm? If the answer is no, then you certainly may mentally feel ready, yet your body is hesitant because it has no idea what to expect (except for pain, since that is what you have felt so far).
Since your hymen is partially still in tact, I would suggest doing what I did for my first time: just focus on the pleasures you are feeling and getting from foreplay and go beyond that as far as you wish, untill it becomes painful. Keep using the lube, like you have been - use more than you think you need, even. If it does hurt, then stop doing that and go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before. If either of you feel the need for release, you can masturbate each other or together and then cuddle afterward.
It took my first BF and I about 2 weeks or so just to be able to insert him without me feeling any pain. We had actual intercourse probably a week or so later and it was great, but we took our time. We also had been doing a lot of other sex acts like oral and masturbation for a long time before that. I also had been using tampons, so I sort of knew the feeling of having something inserted into me.
Don't think of your BC as a waste of money - trust me, having peace of mind that you will not get pregnant is worth every penny! Even if it does take more months of playing around with your bf before you have actual intercourse, you can be sure that whenever it is you get there, you have nothing to worry about.
Oh, and just one more thing; it sounds like you both may be focusing way too much having sex. Try to focus on the pleasures you are both experiencing instead and get yourselves all worked up!
Hope that made sense!
Most pills are not a waste. They can help regulate your cycles and often make your periods more comfortable. Hardly a waste.
Have you had your first gyn exam? Our medical experts here emphatically recommend that before a woman has intercourse she visit her doctor and get checked out. You can also have the condition of your hymen evaluated and if thought a good idea, your doctor can nick it to open it completely. It should then erode away over time.
To Suki:
I do masturbate, it's been awhile since the last time I've done it since me and my boyfriend have been doing oral sex on each other for three years. Whenever he goes to visit with his friends or family is really the only time I do it. I do orgasm whenever I masturbate, however it usually isn't very much but I orgasm whenever my boyfriend performs oral sex on me. Also, I do use tampons but I've only been wearing them for about three years, I had no idea how to insert them until later on. And thank you for your advice, I think we both are focusing too much on having sex. We've both just been frustrated for a long time (him more so then me) and I just got more frustrated when he was finally able to get inside but it felt like it hurt way more then it should have. Next time I'll be sure to do a lot more foreplay and focus more on the pleasure instead of seeing if we'll finally be able to have sex lol.
To dancing:
I have had a gyn exam, my doctor knew I was going to become sexual active but she never mentioned anything about my hymen being thick or me being too tight, etc. I never even really thought about asking or seeing it she could get rid of it, I didn't even really know that they could (or would) do that.
I'm glad that my post made some sense for you. :) It sounds like you are on a good path, just take your time in getting there. Keep us posted!
I could weep! The only way for you two to have sex without pain, if you are medically normal, is for you two to have sex - frequently and with condoms & lubricant. Practice makes perfect. Please see the sticky posts entitled The Program, Body Worship, and The Posterior Fornix. BTW the only way to get "loose" is to have children. Even then your muscles will contract afterwards to their near normal state. You bf could have gotten in but he was timid and concerned about hurting you and this made him unwilling to proceed.
Also since you are not used to the stimulation received from sex, your brain is not connecting the stimulation with pleasure but with pain. You're going to have to have sex if this is going to be corrected. Relax your body and mind, focus upon the sensations and how pleasurable they are, breathe deeply and calmly, and tell him to go for it slowly at first, then in a nice moderate rythmn applying lubricant as required. Once you orgasm, either G-Spot or posterior fornix, you will not have this sort of problem again.