Are some men not able to differentiate between fantasy and reality.

[sarah_rsl]

I told my husband a mate of mine asked if we were up for a threesome. Once opon a time he'd have been shocked (it's definitely not his scene) but this time he said something strange. He said he guessed it would just be awkward and not at all like some men imagine it.

And he was right I've had threesomes in the past and they often didn't work out or just nothing much happened. Once I got dragged along by a mate of mine and as soon as we started her blokes nerve went. Another time the bloke appeared just to want me to watch him shag my mate ( I think I was just meant to applaud) he barely touched me and went funny when my mate and I touched each other.

I have had good experiences with threesomes, but they've tended to be with blokes that didn't put too much thought into them.

It's the same with anal sex, I've had a guy change his mind about wanting to do it, just as we started and this was after months of trying to persuade me. They see something in a porno want to do it and as soon as they start they think 'oh god what am I doing'

Rough sex is probably the best example. Blokes that think they'll love it then lose their nerve a few seconds in. It's like the scene in their head collapses as soon as they have a chance to put it into practice.

I think the reason my husband is really good at acting quite aggressive sexually is because he takes a strictly intellectual view of it. He only does it because I want to. So because of that he doesn't have any mental baggage of his own, he can get quite physical with me because he's always thinking a step ahead.

Anywho it's just something I've noticed about blokes. My husband wasn't even tempted by the idea of a threesome though she is quite pretty.

He's also quite perceptive he suggested she might be lonely, which I hadn't really considered she's not really been with a decent bloke for years which is I think why she fancied hubby to begin with.

[dancingdoc2]

What is a "mate"?
What is a "bloke"?
What is a "shag"?

An inquisitive mind would like proper definitions using the Queen's English.

Thanks
-doc

[Brandye]

DOC, you are looking at English! Pure unadulterated England English. Perhaps not as spoken at Windsor but as spoken by common folk from Southhampton to the River Tweed (with some carryover to the Kingdom of Scotland). It is a bit more crude (and difficult for me to understand) in the industrial cities of the Midlands). Actually, I must admit, that until I went to University in England, I had not heard much English slang. Even if it got to Scotland, it never made it across the Minch to the Hebrides. Today, with two-track roads and all that, we are overrun with English tourists and even some Scots speak it. I'll try to translate from the English vulgate to the American vulgate:

mate = friend
bloke = guy
shag = something men and women do that often results in a wetspot. I am not certain Yanks do this. Oh, I remember = screw

[sarah_rsl]

Apologies for the vernacular... to be honest I think talking about sex using the correct terms for the bits and bobs involved can make it sound too clinical...

As for the Queens english well... the british royal family are essentially german and greek so maybe they shouldn't be seen as the proprieters of the english language, which I've always seen as a living breathing and evolving entity and not something confined by the pages of a dictionary.

[headhead]

At the risk of letting Doc hijack the thread, I find Sarah's English idiom to be one of the most charming parts of her posts (along with the raw sexual energy they convey).

Now will someone please answer her question?

[pinkFlames]

Here in Australia, we speak the same version of English as Sarah does. Her post made perfect sense.

Not sure how I'd answer her question though.

[dlb]

Before I get to sarah's subject I cannot resist some comments of my own on the comments about sarah's use of English. Bloke and mate, doc? I thought everyone knew those! Now shag. That's a different one. Everyone who grew up in the American Southeast and vacationed on the coast between Virginia Beach south through the Carolinas all the way down to the Savannah,Georgia area - and especially Carolina Beach, N.C. and Myrtle Beach, S.C. - knows that shag is a dance!!! ---similar to a slowed down jitterbug. My sister upon welcoming a new northern couple to her neighborhood invited them to the local club for "shag night." This really flustered these people who only knew shag from the sense used in the Austin Powers movies; the same meaning that it has for sarah!
Oh yes, and the language used in public by the English Royal Family- Oxford Received Pronunciation- an artificial accent. Except for a certain sector of the upper class, BBC announcers, and university professors no one speaks that way. Standard English yes, the accent no. We Americans over the age of 40 probably remember university English literature teachers who were from places like Minneapolis, but had an affected pseudo British accent.

OK. Got that out of my system. On to the thread.
Sarah, I think that most people have fantasies. Some people's fantasies do not fall within the usual range of fantasies-menage a trois for example- while other people are simply timid or inhibited in expressing or realizing their fantasies.

As you point out many people discover that once a fantasy can be made reality it turns out to be disappointing, or not what they wanted after all. It is that way with many things in life, not only sex. From what you say I believe the idea of a threesome simply doesn't appeal to your husband. If it does then certainly not with the mate in question. I think he hit the nail on the head when he suggested that she is lonely and just wants to have sex with someone because she hasn't in a while. It sounds as if your hubby is a fine bloke. Be glad you have him.

One more anecdote-this one for Brandye. I came home one day to find my son and three friends watching a movie based on an Irvine Welsh novel - Train Spotting or Acid House- and while they are all trilingual or better I noticed they had subtitles on the DVD. I asked why and my son replied that they could not understand the language so they had to read it in English to know what was going on!!!!

[Brandye]

Sorry, Sarah, I'll get there. dlb, I was appalled to learn that the American publisher of Harry Potter insisted on translating many common terms. It was gratifying that so many parents and school officials (at least who did not think Harry the anti-christ) objected to that. English is the lengua franca of the world and we need a true international English. The Dutch and the Scandinavians do that best. The colloquialisms will always live on but the richness of all forms of English is enhanced by everyone's vernacular.

People see me as a UK lass, at least until they hear the brogue, and were amazed at what I could not understand when I arrived at University. Of course my home was in the most desolate and backwards part of the UK. From summers, and a couple school years, with my German grandparents, I was more fluent in German than in English English! My sister (Univ of Glasgow) and brother (St Andrews) had similar difficulties, though less pronounced.

OK, Sarah, my sister to the far South, my answer: We all, men and women, have difficulty separating our fantasy selves from ourselves known to others. This is especially true with sexual fantasy because our sexuality was the last of our major personality traits we were able to act upon and its'formation is so dependent upon outside (and sometimes unknown) forces - religion, schooling, parental hangups, mass media. As individuals, we had to sort all this out and figure out who our sexual selves are. Then, we experimented and those early groping, regrettably violent for some, experiments started to form our behaviour. I think men's sense of self is more wrapped up in sex than women's. Male hangups on penis size are really anxiety about how women will view them and feel about them. Our female hangups on breast size are about our own bodies and, more often, how other women see us. Men never figure out that when we "dress-up" it is more to impress other women than to impress men. But, in the process, we are both trying to meet our fantasy ideal rather than face reality. Few men are the bedroom studs they wish they were and few women approach Christie Brinkley (age appropriate for me) in our public presentation. But, by god, I TRY!!

Last point to dlb: We Scots think the English are absolutely daft to be sitting in the rain recording locomotive numbers and will never understand Train Spotting as a hobby. At least bird watching ..... I think.

[ALR]

Two of my sexual fantasies are fulfilled in my current relationship. I'm in an interracial relationship with a lady 24 years younger than I.
My lady's a nutritionist whose knowledge helped me and my late wife through very difficult times at the end of my wife's life.
A few years after my my wife's death, I began dating her and soon had her in my bed. We have a boy and twin girls together. We enjoy each other and are very sexual. It all feels good.

[wet_suit_one]

All men can differentiate between fantasy and reality. Sadly, insufficient reality is injected into the education of human sexuality (and I use the term "education" as broadly and as loosely as possible). I think once a man / boy has sex with real human females, they quickly learn what reality is.

My question is with respect to those women who have the fantasy that sex is only for reproduction and inflict that fantasy on their husbands. Sheesh! What kind of torturous fantasy is that?