dazed and confused

[MEW]

Hi,
gotta question, to try and understand my guy. I also want to help him out in any way I can. He gets really upset, understandably, about the whole situation. When we first got together, and were intimate, we had sex almost every day for a while, then it dropped to once a week, then maybe once every two weeks, now, I don't get any. He says it has nothing to do with him, and that it is his system and he needs pills. So we get him some pills. His penis does get hard with stimulation, but his desire to have sex is not there. He will even cum with oral sex or masturbation, but again, he still doesn't want to have intercourse. This makes me upset, because in my head, it must be me. He assures me it isn't. he loves me, and we are engaged. I love him too and want to make things better so we can be closer, both emotionally and physically. He is currently taking ExtenzE. Maybe we should switch to Enzyte? or could there be another reason he has no desire to have intercourse?
Thanks for whatever advise I get

[Brandye]

It is not clear whether this is an attempt to simply advertise useless products. Even the misleading statements on their websites only address lengthening the penis, not increasing libido.

Neither product mentioned has any substantiating evidence other than testimonials. The ingredients do indicate one substance that is often recommended by doctors for prostate conditions. The other ingredients have been used for centuries as herbal medicines, but not for growing a longer penis.

If he gets upset talking about his libido now, what do you think it will be in five years? He loves you; you are engaged. Great. Neither of these products will make him any better in bed or change his feelings - which, incidentally, often cause problems with "getting it up."

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. Clicking on the site's Home page will present even more information. The Index contains links to helpful insightful informative, as well as how-to information that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about.

Originally Posted by MEW

Hi,
gotta question, to try and understand my guy. I also want to help him out in any way I can. He gets really upset, understandably, about the whole situation. When we first got together, and were intimate, we had sex almost every day for a while, then it dropped to once a week, then maybe once every two weeks, now, I don't get any. He says it has nothing to do with him, and that it is his system and he needs pills.

If this has nothing to do with him then it must be you, right? Wrong. If his "system" can function just fine when home alone, then there is nothing wrong with his ability to function. Wrong, again. So what is going on?

The first clue is what you stated, above: "He gets really upset...about the whole situation." This begs the question: what is he upset about?
* Performance Anxiety?
* Premature Ejaculation?
* Unable to become turned on by you and your presence?
* Other?

If either of you had done some investigation, you would learn that ED meds are for establishing erections--not forcing desire when there is obviously none. So, if he can masturbate, and he can climax from being stimulated by you, yet lacks the desire or motivation or impulse, then I'd say: "He's just not that into you". In other words, from your description of events, there are no "sparks" and pheromones flying between you; there is no romantic connection. You can no doubt be friends, although, not lovers. So, it is possible that while he "loves" you, he may not be "in love" with you; there is a difference.

Should he be suffering from PA or PE, then he needs to get a handle on one or both. PA can quite simply be fixed by stopping the worrying about whatever is bothering him, real or imagined. Both conditions are discussed in articles listed in the Index.

So we get him some pills. His penis does get hard with stimulation, but his desire to have sex is not there. He will even cum with oral sex or masturbation, but again, he still doesn't want to have intercourse.

Answered, above.

This makes me upset, because in my head, it must be me. He assures me it isn't. he loves me, and we are engaged. I love him too and want to make things better so we can be closer, both emotionally and physically. He is currently taking ExtenzE. Maybe we should switch to Enzyte? or could there be another reason he has no desire to have intercourse?
Thanks for whatever advise I get

I recommend that the two of you read all of the articles listed in the Index, paying particular attention to those by EvilEvilKitten. Knowledge is empowering.

It is important to understand that a relationship is a partnership and requires as its main ingredient--communication. The two of you need to talk to each other about this. I understand that getting him to open up might be like prying off a bottle cap using your fingernails, yet only he can tell you with any certainty what is going on within his head.

The pills he is taking are not going to give him the desire, this is not what they are for.

It may well be that he is not the man for you. This is not to suggest that there is anything wrong with him, or, you; only that the compatibility is missing. This is what dating is all about and I recommend reading the articles discussing this, also.

Dating is about discovery and learning what characteristics, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, goals, values, etc. in others is what we are or are not looking for in a mate. Dating is about going out with lots of people and making these discoveries so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along we well be better able to recognize the person by already knowing what we want in our partner. So, it may just be that you will have to continue dating and dating some more in order to gather this information and insight and be better able to find Mr. Right from among the many men with whom you come into contact.

Before you quit this relationship in search of another, get him to talk to you about what is bothering him. If he refuses, then you know what your next move is. If the two of you do have all the chemistry required, then work together in partnership to find out what is amiss. Is he concerned about a performance matter; or, is he just not turned on by you (which does not mean that there is anything wrong with you--just compatibility of the sexes.)

If you elect to continue the relationship without identifying the problem and solving it, then do not continue the relationship in the mistaken belief that by loving him you will fix him. Too many times we hear "but I love him" and "I thought I could change him". Not so. Get things on the right path, first, before deciding to follow thru with a wedding.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[EvilEvilKitten]

The man NEEDS HELP - MEDICAL HELP.

No, it IS NOT YOU. It is him, him, him and this is HIS problem to solve.

What you should do is encourage him to see a urologist and get his hormones tested. Find out what is wrong with him and get it fixed. Desire (Libido) is a product of the hormone testosterone. If his hormone level is low, he will not desire anyone.

Do NOT marry this man unless he DOES fix this.

Because if he truly LOVES you he WILL FIX THIS. If he doesn't, then he won't. Problem solved either way.

Breaking an engagement is better than divorce.