Am I being selfish?

[LyingAwake]

It takes me a long time to get to orgasm (or at least what I think is am orgasm) with my partner. When he uses his fingers, it takes even longer, and when he uses his fingers during intercourse, he finishes before I get there (ave one time). So usually, the only way I get there with him, is when he goes down on me. Often times, though, he will stop because his jaw gets tired, so I'm left with either nothing, or an... 'itch'.

Now, the issue is this:

I have had jaw problems in my past, and now I can't open my jaw very wide without pain, but when I go down on him, I usually try to push through it to finish him off. Sometimes though... it takes so long. On time it took me half an hour to finish. By the end, I was very sore, and I had tears in my eyes. I am not exceptionally experienced in this, but half an hour was a VERY long time for me, not to mention, my face is sore for two days afterwards.

About a week ago, he started oral on me, but stopped before I got anywhere, then I started on him. After about 25 minutes, I couldn't really take it anymore (add the fact that I was stuffed up, and couldn't breath out of my nose) and I felt no motivation to finish him like that, so I stopped, and we finished with intercourse.

Still, I can't help but feel like I was being selfish, even though there are several ways that he can finish...

[Newtolove]

your not selfish

[LyingAwake]

Is 25-30 minutes too long? Or is it normal?

[dancingdoc2]

Dear LA,
Your questions and concerns are not unusual. In fact if you read thru the various forums on this Board, you will find the Sticky messages that address common and oft ask questions. Similarly, you will see the same questions being asked week in and week out. Answers to these are often repeated because people do not ordinarly do much research on their own. I'm telling you this because all too often we feel alone in our plight, yet more often than not, being human, much of what we experience, good or not, is universal. In ways similar in some ways to sex manuals and books on relationships and interaction, this forum informs, enlightens, and educates.

For you this day, it is important to know and understand that very few sexual positions lend themselves toward permitting a woman to climax during intercourse. Three that do are the Woman Superior, the Missionary in which the man rides high up on the woman's torso, the "X" and "Y" in which a couple reclines face to face, the difference being in how the legs are positioned.

What guys usually do is to reach around and finger the clitoris and environs while engaged. Even better is when the woman has an orgasm before and/or after if it is her wish. So, your concern about not being able to climax during intercourse has a universal solution.

If you are not sure whether or not you are climaxing, I urge that you masturbate and learn just what it takes. Now, Brandye states that not every woman experiences orgasms. You may or may not, yet to find out, you need to masturbate thru to a conclusion and see if there is a release of tension, a great peace and relaxation along with the proverbial sparks and fireworks.

It is important to know that we do not give orgasms away. Each of us is responsible for our own. All any of us can hope to accomplish is to help our partner achieve his/her own. That said, each of us must teach the other how we masturbate and then to guide his/her hand several times until we learn to mimic the movements, rhythm, and pressures, unique and specific to each of us. Feedback is crucial. Without information on how we are reacting to our lover's caresses, we'll have a 50/50 chance of getting it right. With something so imporant, who wants this as their batting average?

I therefore urge that each of you demonstrate how you masturbate and then take each other's hand and guide it until you learn what works.

As to your comment about finishing first, I always recommend that a gallant and considerate man will see to his partner's pleasure first before seeking his own whenever possible. Of course this won't always happen nor should it, yet it is a nice gesture.

If one and/or the other of you are placing greater emphasis on stimulating the genitals in order to build to an orgasm then you have your priorities backwards. This is the purpose of all the kissing and caressing that leads up to it. Done correctly, stroking simply maintains the high level of arousal and thrusting peaks and triggers the orgasm. Both of you should be at or near the trigger point of your respective orgasms when beginning intercourse. In concert with proper fingering, you should be able to enjoy an orgasm rather quickly. Similarly, if you give him a hand job mimicing his movements, he should reach critical in short order and without a lot of time and effort.

Years ago simultaneous orgasms were all the rage. This is fine on the rare occasions this actually happens, although, nowadays, I believe couple are more interested in making sure both partners are satisfied regardless of when it actually happens instead of one or the other, usually the woman, left hanging as you state happens to you. This is wrong and while it is primarily up to you to see to your own orgasm, it is also your partner's obligation to help see that you are satisfied.

> Often times, though, he will stop because his jaw gets tired, so I'm left with either nothing, or an... 'itch'.

This is not unusual. Often we can adjust and relaxing more will help. He should try using his tongue and lips more. In addition, he can use his mouth like a vibrator by vibrating his lips (motor boat style) against you. These to not tire the jaw nearly as much. Also, not trying to build your arousal from scratch this way will help tremendously. Save the oral for the taking an already high state of arousal to the peak!

> I have had jaw problems in my past, and now I can't open my jaw very wide without pain, but when I go down on him, I usually try to push through it to finish him off.

If you are opening your mouth wide, then stop. Instead, simply open a little as if to say "DUH", wrap your lips over you teeth to prevent scraping him, and you will find that he will slip in and out just as easily as if you are opening unnecessarily wide. This change should help.

If it takes this long then it sounds like you are placing the cart before the horse. Use oral to peak him not to build his excitement and ardor from a low ebb. Use your kisses, caresses, and a hand job to get him up near his peak. Foreplay is important. Use it for what it was created to accomplish. Keep your oral sex play to ten minutes or less and problem solved.

> About a week ago, he started oral on me, but stopped before I got anywhere, then I started on him. After about 25 minutes, I couldn't really take it anymore

Asked and answered. Switch the proverbial horse and cart around and use oral and/or manual stimulation to simply bring things to a head once the "pump" has been primed by other means. By changing the order and emphasis of how you go about things, you will find that your "primetime" will be reduced to mere minutes for both of you.

> Is 25-30 minutes too long? Or is it normal?

We frequently hear complaints that the couple engage in intercourse and the man hammers away for this long in an attempt to build his arousal. This is just wrong. It is wrong for it to take that long to bring about your orgasm by whatever means. It is wrong to take this long for a hand job and/or oral stimulation to go on this long with the intent to cause a climax. Now, having said that, the overall lovemaking session can and often does go on for an hour or more. It frequently takes 25-30 minutes minimum to build a woman's arousal by making out, but do not confuse the matter building your arousal with that of building a high state of readiness strictly by mechanical stimulation. I recommend spending thirty minutes or longer making out. If you are not, you definitely need to and this will place events in their proper sequence.

Questions?

>

[LyingAwake]

I appreciate the time you took to type out the whole thing, but the first part was not the part I needed help with, It was just an intro. I have read about the subject around the forum, and have my share of threads about it. I understand what you have said with your post.

"If you are opening your mouth wide, then stop."

I am opening just wide enough so that my teeth don't touch. My dentist measured once: I can open 22 milimeters before the pain starts.

"...These to not tire the jaw nearly as much. Also, not trying to build your arousal from scratch this way will help tremendously...."

Thanks for that advice... I will try to put it to good use.

"I recommend spending thirty minutes or longer making out."

There is always at least that much time. Also, usually I will get him really close using my hands (often more than once- get close, back off for a bit, repeat) and then switch to my mouth.

Now, I may be answering my own problem here, but there is one position that is usually reletively quick. It is fairly comfortable for me, unfortunately, it only allows for me to take in an inch or so (before teeth get involved).