LDR: Jealousy

[batman527]

Hey all, just another thread waiting for the LDR forum to open up...

I struggle sometimes with jealousy. It's particularly hard I think when you're in a long distance relationship. Jealousy can pop up out of nowhere, a single word from anyone can send the mind reeling into jelousy. For instance, in conversation having nothing to do with my girlfriend or her ex-boyfriend, my mom mentioned that long hair was becoming en vogue for guys again. This reminded me of my GF's ex-boyfriend, and I was launched into jealousy over a sex-dream that my GF had about him about two weeks ago. For the rest of the day I was consumed with jealousy. I still am. When she told me about the dream, she warned me that I might be jealous. Oddly, at the time, with proper warning (because she didn't want to hurt my feelings), I really wasn't bothered by it at all. Now, however, I'm a time bomb just waiting to go off over it.

I don't make sense to myself when I get like this. My rational mind is telling me to move on, but right now I am definitely hung-up on it. Here's where the LDR comes into play. Normally, when I get like this I only have to talk through it with my GF. She's wonderfully understanding, and after a little talk with her about it, I'll feel much better, and back to myself. However, because of the trans-oceanic aspect of our relationship right now, that communication is impossible. So, here is my question (finally, I know...): what the hell am I supposed to do with this raw jealousy that literally makes me nauseous? I know the cure to what ails me. I just need to talk to her about why I'm feeling jealous, and why I feel sometimes like I'm second place or a consolation prize. My rational mind can see this, and it also can see that because I can see this, I should be able to "un-jealous" myself without the talk. My rational mind is losing the battle for control of my being to my emotional brain. What are we to do in this situation?

Perhaps all I can do is just use my own rationality to fight through this problem until the time where I can talk to her about it. Maybe part of my problem is the fact that I want her to know that I'm jealous. While my jealousy can be a turn on for her, that's not the reason I want to her to know. I want her to know because I'm hurting. Wow, after rereading this post, I can see the rational/emotional battle going on in my own head. Anyway, what do I do for the next few days, before I can talk to her again? This is a problem that won't go away until I can resolve it with her. Distance is such a bear.

[WallyLlama]

You're right; rational/emotional battle... and since you recognized it be re-reading your own post you've proved the value of "self-talk."

Now we could go really deep on this, but the fact is that the mind has trouble distinquishing "reality" from perceived. In otherwords, if you keep thinking something it eventually becomes real.

So, effectively, the more you think about jealousy...

You may not be able to talk with your gf, but you can talk with yourself. Instead of thinking about the jealousy, think about what that conversation would be like... over and over and over.

You can communicate with her even though there's distance... feel the connection, get inside her head and let her get inside yours, then there won't be any room for the jealousy.

A lot of the jealousy issues in LDRs are, I think, about learning to manage ourselves... and remembering that we can count on our partner to manage themselves as well.

[wifey]

I agree to Wally about the importance of "self-talk". but have to add that the kind of jealousy you are going through does not necessarily apply to LDR only. i get them very frequently too and as you said sometimes for no reason at all. you just see, read, talk about something and then next thing i know i am fuming...sometimes i "self-talk" but more often or not i just ask my boyfriend a question. at first he would get really worried, upset and we'd even argue because he'd ask me why i ask and if he'd given me reasons for feeling that but i wouldn't be able to explain. it's just the feeling i get sometimes and now that he's gotten a little more used to it when i have another issue he is ok about me talking about it. you see i realised that unless i speak to my boyfriend i have a real problem to get over things, i even find myself resenting him, and the issues in my head tend to just stay there until i speak to him. so i wouldn't worry about letting her know you are jealous through talking it would be much worse if you acted on your jealousy instead...

[ORANGE]

what you can do is go work out. this will help get your tenstion down the second thing is write things down in a journal. this will help you see what your thinking patter is..finally talk to her if you can.


hope this help