Please excuse this lengthy post, but please read...
Alright well heres my story, Im 18 and I have sex quite often with my girlfriend. Sometimes I do awesome in the bed and then sometimes i have a hard time getting it up, or it goes up and then goes down as soon as im ready to do it. It is embarrassing.
I am not going to lie, I have tried herbal remedies as well as viagra. They worked great for me every time. But I dont want to use them because:
1. Im too young to use them
2. They give you a headache and your face feels really warm
3. I dont want to develop a physcological dependence
Just a few days ago I found this website and it was very insightful. And lately I have been attempting to develop my own ways of dealing with my problem. I have found that it isnt a physical problem, it is a physcological problem. After the first time I failed to achieve an erection, I developed a habitual problem because:
1. I was pressuring myself to do better
2. I was worring about not doing better
3. I was worring if I can even get it up
My girlfriend and I have discussed this problem, and part of the reason why I had such a habitual problem was because she made a big fuss the first time I couldnt maintain. It really pissed me off because she made a big fuss the first 3 times I failed, until I told her that by fussing around she is making it even worse on me. Eventually, I have maintained an erection without any herbal remedies a few times.
It got so bad that I dreaded having sex on a few occasions... primarily due to the fact that I was scared to fail. I want all the women to know that it is very very nerve racking for a guy to suffer this problem, and please dont make a fuss of it if your man doesnt perform... Work with him! Encourage him! I want all the guys to know that your not alone.
To make a long post short, I have been going through a sort of "self-coaching" period these past days. My girlfriend is coming back home on the 4th from a week vacation, and I know we are going to have sex either that day or the next. Its weird that even though I have been telling myself not to worry, there a deep feeling inside of me with doubt.
How do I deal with this doubt? Thanks a lot.
First of all remember that if what you are doing is "recreational sex" (that is, you are not doing it with the sole purpose of trying to concieve a child) it is supposed to be FUN!
Don't take it too seriously. If when you get started, you find that your anxiety has gotten the best of you, suggest that the two of you take a break from attempting actual intercourse and instead try some other means of pleasuring each other. If she finds fault with you or seems dissappointed simply explain to her that a penis cannot be commanded into action and that if she's nice to it, she may find that it can perform quite well when not put under a lot of pressure. Try to talk about your "problem" a little tongue-in-cheek so that she won't be so hard on you. I think you'll find that once you are relaxed and the two of you are comfortable together, you won't have any problem together. It's called becoming more "uninhibited".
This is an excellent post.
You have also done a fine job of self diagnosis.
I would also agree that the condition known as "Performance Anxiety" is at the heart of your difficulty.
The other part of your problem seems to be your girlfriend's attitude and/or behavior. Unless and until she changes and works with you and not against you (and ultimately against herself) things may not change all that rapidly for you.
At this point I'd say you have to work on her in order to develop a cure for you. She needs to understand the male psyche and then work to support you rather than to find reasons to be critical or criticize.
How is your ability to maintain an erection when you masturbate? If there is no problem then you have pretty much proven that PA is the route cause and the cause of that seems to be a critical judgemental partner.
At the heart of a loving relationship is caring. Recreational sex aside, making love is all about the outward expression of our feelings for each other. A couple is a partnership and as such we make love together. It is not what one person does TO the other, rather, what we do FOR and WITH each other.
Guys have what is known as a "Fragile Male Ego". Setting aside all the posturing and blustering guys sometimes do, a girl can bring a man to his knees and crumple him into a ball with a few choice words, and a lack of support. Our self confidence and self esteem can stand up to quite a lot, yet what will crumple us faster than a strong earthquake is our partner's attack to the very heart of our sense of self and purpose. We do not want to undertake anything new and unfamiliar if it will make us look inept, stupid, or bungling. Yet, we can be our own worst enemy in this regard because in order to become better at something we need to practice. (I know of what I speak because I teach Ballroom dancing!)
I encourage you to let your girlfriend read this. Her comments may be innocent enough, although caused by disappointment and frustration and not by vindictiveness. She can do much to ensure your success by how she works eagerly with you in a passionate supportive manner.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?