I'm a pretty good kid. I'm in college studying hard so I can get a good job, get a nice house support my significant other. I "normally" don’t have any vices, I watch a little porn and like to speed a little bit but nothing over the top and I never speed when my girlfriend is in the car.
My story begins in December 2005, everything is going great with my girlfriend and I. We are lost in love and we could not be any happier.
Towards the end of December she took a trip out of state to visit family and old friends. I knew she had an ex-boyfriend up there which was still her friend but she assured me she didn't have feelings for him and I could not hold it against her as I have friends who are ex-girlfriends. I had also heard stories of how no one in the state has a future and they get "wasted" everyday. She assured me she was going to be good and I heard her say to her brother "I am not going to smoke with you guys this time. I am going to be good." So I figured I had made a positive influence in her life and she was going to be the perfect role model for her younger sister.
The be good part went out the window and over half the time I talked to her she was stoned or drunk. This made me mad, this and the fact that all of her friends were making fun of me for the voice messages I left on her phone (they think I am gay).
At one point i got so fed up with it I went out with a friend from work and got totally sh** faced. I was stoned out of my mind. My friend being bald thought I looked like a hobo with my long hair, so he took me to get my hair cut. In my state of being i was in no place to object. I got a horrible hair cut. I have a long face and I got a short hair cut. I look like I am twelve years old.
Anyway back to the point. When she finally got back to our state I picked her up from the airport at 8pm. I also should have mentioned I dropped her off at 6am on the trip to her destination. On the way home we got into a small fight about something stupid. The fight escaladed because I was not in the mood to put up with crap considering I was bending over backwards, taking off time from work, to pick her up from a two week vacation where all she did was disappoint me.
A few days later she told me she had a confession to make. When she got to the other state being around her ex-boyfriend had resparked her fire for him, so to speak. She told me she had held his hand most of the time she was there and had even fallen asleep in his arms.
This was a crushing blow. It made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was affecting my performance at work and school. I could not sleep at night and when I did I would have a dream about it.
I tried talking to her for weeks about it until finally she said "Stop it! your making a big deal out of nothing. Your doing this to yourself, and if you can't stop it I am going to break up with you. I refuse to be in another relationship where my partner keeps bring up my past." It didn't help when we went to the mall and she had pretended to start falling, but I hadn't noticed. After a while I noticed she was bummed out I asked her what the matter was and
She said: I just miss something... something you didn't do. (not realizing what she was saying) when I pretend to fall in PA, Keith always caught me. When I asked him why he said "Some day you are really going to fall and I want to be there to catch you."
After my face was covered in tears she realized she said something wrong and apologized. Didn't stop me feeling like the slim between your toes though.
The feeling more or less as gone away. It’s only late at night and when I am completely alone it bothers me now.
Our sex life had steadily been declining for about 6 months. We didn't even have sex on our one year anniversary. I spent most of my paychecks taking her out on romantic dates. no sex.
It's not that she doesn't have the sex drive it's almost as if she would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I may not be Heath Ledger(sp?), but I don’t think I am horrible looking, I'm 6' 117 lbs and I'm athletic.
**** I have come to the conclusion that its not because she doesn't love me but because I am a nice guy. She has even told me I am the perfect boyfriend. She told me when ever she gets mad at me its because I am perfect. WTF!?!?! Even her another one of her ex-boyfriends from this state who I talked to said [to my girlfriend] "even if I wanted to beat him up I couldn't bring myself to touch him he is too good to you" ****
Its not just sex either she has been becoming less affectionate in general.
WTF am i supposed to do? I don't know how to be a diffrent boyfriend than the best I can be. I tried being a jerk but she thought I was kidding and just laughed at me.
more background incase you haven't stopped reading yet: We both still love each other I just don't arouse her anymore, I guess, and it makes me depressed.
We have been dating for a year and three months as of yesterday. We have been sexually active for about 11 months I think. She wasn’t a virgin when we started dating and I was.
I am very much an jealous boyfriend. I get upset when I hear her mention something about some guy in a movie being hot. Other than my girlfriend I have no other friends.
I am 18 and she is 17 (18 months apart).
****for the record me being perfect is her words not mine. I do not in any way shape or form believe I am perfect. Half the time I don't even remember to hold the door for her.
EDIT: Sorry for the extreme wordiness. Also I have been reading the message boards here and the main site for quite some time, but I just decided to post... I dont know why really.
i know exactly how you feel!! well sort of!! ive just split with a girl id been with for bout 2 months, not very long i know but in those 2 months we completely fell for each other!! i was the perfect boyfriend she said! i did everythin to make her happy! i got her tickets for a band she was desperate to see (which was sold out in minutes so cost me a bomb on ebay!!!) booked us into an amzing hotel for valentines day!! and what do i get told (through a tex message of all ways!!!) and i quote " i dont think its workin, htink we've rushed into things and it takin summin away from it! and i dont feel ready for a relationship!!" i felt like someones ripped my heart out, through it on the floor and stamped on it rite in front of me!!! so i think the old phrase is true "Nice guys Really Do Finish Last!!!!!"
I would like to suggest that you continue to date others, rather than to concentrate at your age on just one person and one relationship. Both of you are too young and inexperienced in how to handle interpersonal relationships and just stuff in general. This is not a put down of either of you, far from it, only to make you realize that the two of you have some maturing yet to do that just comes from "mileage" and growing up a bit more.
Neither one of you behaved well when things went wrong. You need to learn coping skills and by writing to the forum you have taken a big step in this dilrection.
By not entering into a one person relationship you eliminate all the dram and heartache that you have described. By dating lots of people you do what dating is intended to do--learn about others and to sample what humanity has to offer so that when the time does come to narrow the field to two and then one in your attempt to find Ms Right, you will be better prepared, and will know more about people, their quirks, behaviors, goals, ideals, and character. By dating others, you will broaden your prospects for finding Ms Right and you will become a more well rounded individual.
If you are truly concerned about this girl, I would continue to be friends if this is what the two of you want, yet I would turn loose of the committed relationship part for the time being. She is less ready for this than you are.
Of all the fantasies my boyfriend has he says the one he wants fullfilled the most is me falling asleep in his arms...I've always believed to be one of the most intimate acts of love. Because in sleep you're vulnerbale and I don't know...I always believed it was the perfect way to show your love for another person.
That said, if my guy ever let another girl fall asleep in his arms, friend or not and especially an ex....wow. I think I'd see red for days.
And I agree with dancingdoc on the 'dating around'....yes, I'm 17, but I'm a bit wise for my age as some people say. I realize that realtionships can end in the snap of a finger for no reason at all sometimes...but once it ends you have to realize there are other people. lol. I sound like a hyportic because my worst fear is loseing my boyfriend because I know that's a pain I don't think I could come back from...but I've come back from heart break before. In a way you always do, you just always lose a part of yourselve. And that's what dating is for. To get your heart broke a thousand times over until you find that one person who brings it all back together. Marriage itself doesn't always work...Hell, maybe there is no Mr. Right, Mrs. Right...
I say my boyfriend is perfect. I don't get mad at him though for it...makes me love him even more. He's considerate of my feelings...I've never payed for a date...always cheers me up...sings to me every night...perfect. But he has his flaws, as I'm sure you do. Perhaps its not your perfection that bothers her...its those tiny flaws that make you UNPERFECT that is what is bothering her.
Thank you all for the comments, and thank you for reading my rediculously long rant.
Dancingdoc2- Thanks for the insight. I don't know about the whole dating lots of people thing though. I have always just dated one person at a time. I guess I will give it a shot, but first I want to see if we can work it out. I don't want to end an beautiful relationship because of one particularly rocky period. In the year and three months this is the only "trouble spot" we have hit. You are probably the wiser here, but I am not ready to stop wasting my time.
Lass- I agree with the falling asleep with someone is a sign of intamacy. Me girlfriend however does not see it the same way we do. I've pretty much gotten over it and understand where she is coming from, I don't like it at all but I am not going to get my panties in a twist over two months ago. I have a theory on why she sees sleeping with someone in a diffrent light. Growing up she is the second person I have ever sharen a bed with, my cousin once while she was visiting (this is not an incest story. it may sound weird that I slept with a female cousin but I was probably 7 at the time which would make her 6.). My girlfriend on the other hand has shared a bed with several people and often shares a bed with one of her friends when she is in town. I don't know where you fit into the spectrum of having people sleep in your bed. My thinking is that for her the sanctity of the bed has been broken down. I don't know... would make an interesting study huh?
I think part of the problem is I have very little free time and when I do she is at school. I have already put my two weeks notice in and my last day is the 10th (I quit for other reasons). I am curious how actually spending time together affects our relationship. I addressed the problem with her tonight, she had to finish an essay before bed, so not a whole lot got said on it, but the gates of communication have been opened and I will bring the topic up again tomorrow. I think things are going to get back to normal now.
I'm glad things are going well. Communication is big in a relationship.