For Women Only- Help! Why Can't He Make Me Orgasm?

[dancingdoc2]

It is important to know and understand that we do not give orgasms away to our partner. Each person is responsible for his/her own. All any of us can do is to help them achieve it. To do this we must learn to mimic their specific technique of motions, rhythms, and pressure that is unique to them. In addition, we must provide verbal and/or non-verbal feedback to our partner on how we are responding to their caresses, and, for what we may need, now.

Every male and female of the species has millions of sensitive nerve endings in the skin and other organs, a pleasure center in the brain, and, an autonomic nervous system to transmit signals back and forth. Unfortunately Mother Nature plays a mischievious trick on us by not "connecting the dots". We must establish the connections through practice. Boys do this almost matter-of-factly right out of puberty and quickly develop a routine for how they will do this pretty much the rest of their lives. Girls on the other hand either do not learn to masturbate as early, if at all. The process of making the transition from preorgasmic to an orgasmic being requires a more conscious and concerted effort.

Using a vibrator to build one's level of arousal is not bad, done in moderation. If you use one, I recommend putting it away for the time being. The reason is because it generates intense sensations that condition our nervous system to only be responsive to those levels. You need to be able to train your body and mind to become aroused from the much less intense stimulations of a finger, first and foremost.

You can do this by undertaking a daily set of exercises in which you learn to pleasure yourself at times when you are not tired, preoccupied with other thoughts or obligations, and, when the house is quiet and you will not be disturbed. You should do the exercise once or twice a day depending upon how you feel about it.

Begin by letting your hands roam your body with a sense of timelessness. Stroke your hair, your neck, shoulders, arms, chest (not your breasts), abdomen, legs, thighs, small of the back, buttocks, and any other place you can reach. Your objectives are to learn what feels good where and when, and then to caress yourself there at those times in order to build your level of sexual excitement, tension, and anticipation.

After building your arousal to a high degree just from your caresses, you can then move on to include your breasts, pubic mound (mons) and later, your vulva and its associated pieces-parts.

In time you will learn how much of a contribution breast play adds to your arousal. Some women enjoy nipple play right up to the trigger point of an orgasm and beyond; others enjoy it up to the brink of an orgasm and find any more stimulation beyond this point very distracting. Learn what works for you.

The same goes for your genitals. One place to begin is by letting your fingers roam from your abdomen downward, or from your thighs. Finger your pubic hair, scratch or massage your pubic mound; and then, move on to the labia majora and minora. Include the clitoris later and indirectly at first until your level of arousal begins to peak. Massage, kneed, and gently tug on the lips and then move closer to the clitoris. You have options depending upon your level of arousal at any given point in time. The shaft of the clitoris can be massaged, and the hood and tip of the clitoris can be fingered directly or indirectly by folding the inner lips over it. You should be learning what feels good and how to repeat those sensations in the future. Include the many nerves around the outside of the vagina and just inside.

Let your mind focus on the many sensations and repeat those that particularly feel good and increase your passion. As you become more highly aroused you will find that your mind does focus on what you are doing and that your awareness of things around you will disappear. Your breathing will change, you will perspire, and, your body will tense as things progress.

You may very well find that as you close in on an orgasm that you have an urge to pee. This is a false signal (especially if you have recently gone to the bathroom) and should be ignored. Just continue to press through the urge and you will find your climax on the other side. Within a short time this false signal will go away.

The closer you get to your climax, the faster your fingers/hand will want to move. Do not stop, just keep doing what you are doing.* Because it seems to be more of an effort to work up an orgasm than it is for the male of the species, I believe it is fair to say that results will take some time. Just keep working at it, learn what feels good, what builds ard/or, and then when you become tense, your breathing changes, your begin to perspire, your awareness of the outside world disappears, you become all tingly, DO NOT STOP. Keep on keeping on until the orgasm happens. Many women report having problems that seem to stem from stopping or aborting and not pushing on. So, to recap, if you know your bladder is empty, just ignore the need to pee, and if your clitoris happens to become too sensitive to touch, then do so indirectly. Just do not stop until "it" happens--or, you've given it the good ol college try and it just isn't going to happen this time.

* When first learning to masturbate, guys and gals often find that their fingers, wrist, and/or arm become sore and tired from the exertion and the rapid ongoing movements that are new. In time, with repetition, muscle strength will improve and the soreness and muscle fatigue will go away. Not to worry.

Once you have experienced your first orgasm, the next one should be less difficult to achieve, and, they will generally be easier to come by with more practice and as the pathways are established and solidified. Once you can masturbate and have orgasms repeatedly and consistently, you can then show your partner how you do it and guide his hand over several sessions until he learns to mimic the motions, rhythms, and pressures, that you have now come to rely upon.

[Newtolove]

thank you doc i think many men can benefit from that as well as in how to warm their partner up

[Confused24]

This was very informing. Actually this was why i made an account. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and until a 2 months ago i was a virgin. He claims he was too. Anyway i never felt pleasured during sex and now i know why. : )

[Emily225]

i massage my clitoris until i can feel somethin build up.. then i get a little burst of pleasure and i buck forwards.. but after that it gets too sensitive to touch. i can do this without any vaginal penetration.. but i dont know how to get past that little burst and continue through to orgasm??

[calibird]

Personally, i find that penetration slows the 'burst' so it lets u continue to orgasm. i think massaging ur clit is TOO direct of a way to orgasm. jus a little penetration makes it nice and gradual so that u can get all the way through. hope that helps...

[dancingdoc2]

Massage or rub the clitoris indirectly when it becomes too sensitive to touch directly. As noted in the Sticky post, you can fold the labia over the clitoris which transmit the stimulus through some padding. You can also stroke the shaft of the clitoris. Third, another way to involve the clitoris indirectly is to work just with the inner labia. Pulling and rubbing them will carry over to the clitoris. Please give one or all of these a try as seems fit.

[Hellen]

wow... i just love reading these, it seems like I am getting there with my questions; i just need to practice them!
I was wondering though, since I've never had an orgasm... and I can't really masturbate (never works)......when I try rubbing my clitoris, on the time I've been doing it, it seems like I can't do it anymore, like my fingers won't do it... i don't know how to explain exactly, but would that mean that is getting too sensible, and that i should start touching it indirectly?
thanks...

[dancingdoc2]

> I was wondering though, since I've never had an orgasm... and I can't really masturbate (never works)......when I try rubbing my clitoris, on the time I've been doing it, it seems like I can't do it anymore, like my fingers won't do it... i don't know how to explain exactly,

You're right, this explanation is unclear. Please try again.

I'm not sure if you mean that your fingers become tired or something else. If this is what you mean, consider that during the early stages of arousal our fingers/hand move much more slowly and globally around the area. As we begin to zero in on an orgasm and near the peak of our arousal, many changes take place including focusing in on the approaching orgasm to the exclusion of everything else around us. Up to a point, the closer the orgasm is the faster our fingers or hand moves.

Brandye states that about 25% of women cannot climax. You won't know for sure until you give this process your all. To help the process along, go to the bathroom shortly before because we sometimes get the feeling of needing to pee. If you know the bladder is empty then you will recognize this to be a false signal and can push right through the sensation.

> but would that mean that is getting too sensible, and that i should start touching it indirectly?

Sensible? Sensitive??

Try touching the clitoris through the inner labia or by tugging on one or both. You can also work up an orgasm by rubbing or massaging the shaft of the clitoris.

[justjoan]

I've never achieved an orgasim while he's inside me. How does one achieve this? And, how does one achieve multiple orgasims when they can't even achieve one?

[dancingdoc2]

Hello Joan,
I apologize for the tardy reply. I do not constantly monitor the Sticky posts.

> I've never achieved an orgasim while he's inside me. How does one achieve this?

Very few sexual positions lend themselves to providing the necessary and constant contact between bodies in order to generate the ongoing friction required. That said, what a caring and knowledgeable lover will do is to reach around and finger his partner while stroking.

> And, how does one achieve multiple orgasims when they can't even achieve one?

Are you saying that you cannot achieve an orgasm from intercourse, or, that you have yet to experience an orgasm, period, like from masturbation?

For the sake of discussion, I'll presume the former. If this is the case, then have your partner finger you while stroking. If you want, he can do the same thing during Foreplay if you are interested in having orgasms from a hand job and/or oral stimulation.

Once you've had the first orgasm, the second, third, etc., can generally come in quick succession, usually with just a few moments of quiet time in between.

Each woman reacts differently and differently at different times during the month. Explore and learn together just how to go after those additional climaxes. Masturbation offers a great path toward self discovery and can be a great way to learn how to achieve multiple orgasms. Once you know what it takes and how to achieve them on your own, you can then teach your partner what is required.

Guys can also enjoy multiple orgasms, although, we are limited to perhaps two or three additional ones while the typical woman can enjoy many more and in quicker succession. The male multiples are spread out between about ten and thirty minutes. This being the case, you can keep him interested during his refractory period {down time) while he pleasures you again and again. Also, one or more of your additional climaxes can be timed to occur with one of his. Working the "system" this way keeps the "fires" burning, and prolongs your time together.