The Three Systems of Love

[EvilEvilKitten]

It may cause dismay, but we must realize that we are, in very large part, a product of our body and of our brain. The hormones and chemicals released, or not, govern our physical, mental, and emotional being.

The Neuro-Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, and her colleagues, have studied love for 30 years. The findings that follow may be controversial but they do give scientific support to what most of us intuitively know - you can love, truly love, more than one person at the same time.

Based upon the brain chemicals released, Dr. Fisher has divided the love cycle into three phases: Lust, Romantic Love, and Attachment. Simply stated these correspond to the release of Serotonin, Dopamine, and Oxytocin, respectively.

Lust is the drive to mate which gets you out of the house and into the bar or night club. This is where you search for a large selection pool of possible mates - the more the merrier as it were.
Romantic Love is where you focus upon the one person and ignore all others wisely conserving your mating time and energy.
Attachment is the deep and abiding bond that develops between long term partners.
But these three systems are only LOOSELY bound together and it is entirely possible to lust after person A while loving person B while attached to person C.

Now, riding the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave may not suit you in particular but there is sound evolutionary necessity behind this interesting set-up. It is all about the successful raising of offspring as a team. Find a mate, win a mate, keep a mate but also be prepared to re-bond with a different mate should the first mate be lost basically sums it up. You could say it was a way of hedging your sexual bets. Life may not be 'nasty, brutish, and short' any longer but we are still set-up for when life was precisely that. Evolution works slowly.

Please note that these findings apply to both genders, all societies, and all socio-economic groups. Also be aware that there is a sizable group within all populations that do ride the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave and enjoy it very much.

Food for thought!

[sania]

Good informative piece. EEK.

[sweet224]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

It may cause dismay, but we must realize that we are, in very large part, a product of our body and of our brain. The hormones and chemicals released, or not, govern our physical, mental, and emotional being.

The Neuro-Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, and her colleagues, have studied love for 30 years. The findings that follow may be controversial but they do give scientific support to what most of us intuitively know - you can love, truly love, more than one person at the same time.

Based upon the brain chemicals released, Dr. Fisher has divided the love cycle into three phases: Lust, Romantic Love, and Attachment. Simply stated these correspond to the release of Serotonin, Dopamine, and Oxytocin, respectively.

Lust is the drive to mate which gets you out of the house and into the bar or night club. This is where you search for a large selection pool of possible mates - the more the merrier as it were.
Romantic Love is where you focus upon the one person and ignore all others wisely conserving your mating time and energy.
Attachment is the deep and abiding bond that develops between long term partners.
But these three systems are only LOOSELY bound together and it is entirely possible to lust after person A while loving person B while attached to person C.

Now, riding the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave may not suit you in particular but there is sound evolutionary necessity behind this interesting set-up. It is all about the successful raising of offspring as a team. Find a mate, win a mate, keep a mate but also be prepared to re-bond with a different mate should the first mate be lost basically sums it up. You could say it was a way of hedging your sexual bets. Life may not be 'nasty, brutish, and short' any longer but we are still set-up for when life was precisely that. Evolution works slowly.

Please note that these findings apply to both genders, all societies, and all socio-economic groups. Also be aware that there is a sizable group within all populations that do ride the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave and enjoy it very much.

Food for thought!

thanks for the great post... very informative post..

[ser_55555]

Lust is the drive to mate which gets you out of the house and into the bar or night club. This is where you search for a large selection pool of possible mates - the more the merrier as it were.

I know this sounds stupid, but I was just wondering about the definition, because I thought that lust was when you crave sexual pleasure with somebody... Is this wrong?? If so, I've been having the wrong thought of just hahaha!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sexual pleasure IS the drive to mate - what did you think you were doing? Just because there's no offspring from the mating does not make it something else.

[Ephemera]

EEK,

Do you happen to have a basic idea of when these transitions occur? It seems to me that a lot of passionate romances tend to dwindle after the year and a half to two year point. Could this be the body transitioning from a serotonin sort of connection to something else?

Just curious. I'm probably totally off.

[EvilEvilKitten]

A lot of passionate romances wear off even sooner but to really cool the jets, living with someone is a great way to check for compatibility. This is where being truly being in love and being committed comes in. Between each system lies a pit and getting to Attachment takes some work. Some just do not make it.

[Newtolove]

hm interesting, I think it be fair to say that you could start feelings for someone at the second or third stage. for example i used to go out with a girl who yes I still "lust" over, would go to bed with any time but I have huge respect and admiration for another girl who's company i enjoy and see her less as a sexual object (not meant disrespectfully to either), however I don't exactly get the same satisfaction out of thinking of girl 2 as when thinking of girl 1 when masturbating (sorry for the gory details), although with girl 1 I'd want to be in bed with her every minute if i were back with her I'd probably have less of this urge with girl two who I care about at a let's say a "higher level" however as somebody that unfortunately can self analyse like a frigging computer (and perhaps this is the reason I'm still single) I also know it is to do with the different characters of of both girls and knowing which is the "easiest" (to be mildly polite), one is essentially looser than the other but if i had the choice I'd pick number 2 over 1 any day even if it meant less "fun" (well you know what they say about quiet girls....). Luckily for my over active and analytical mind that sadly keeps me out of trouble there is no number 3

[Marebear1991]

I've been dating my bf for two years now and I really love him. But I'm sexually attracted to someone else too. How can I get rid of this attraction?

[EvilEvilKitten]

You're not married to your bf.

Your bf ONLY has those 'rights' over you that you CHOOSE to give him. Anyway after 2 years you should either be 'sealing the deal' or 'moving on'.

I'd say explore this new attraction.

And if your bf gets upset - ask him to explain himself because what you do on your own time is YOUR business and NOT his.