What’s the best way to talk to my girlfriend about sex?

[nymets91]

Okay so me and my girlfriend are both 18 and have been dating for 8 months. We haven’t done anything sexual yet (aka we haven’t gone past “first base”). I’ve wanted to move us along for a while now, but through roundabout conversations on sexual things with her, she’s given every indication that she wants to make sure when she finally does something that she's ready and that she's with the right person (she is a virgin). I love her very much, and because I want to be with her (and sex is not the most important thing), I respected what she said. I knew how she felt about it and I chose not to pursue it much further for the time being, focusing most of my efforts on just building a stronger relationship. But now, after being together for so long, I want to at least talk about it with her. I think I have every right, and it’s not out of the question, to at least have a conversation and express to her that I would like to move forward if she’s ready. We have a strong relationship, and she says I can talk to her about anything; I’m just scared because this is a rather large issue with her. I wish it wasn’t, but she tends to make large deals out of things. I know that the answer here is honesty, I should just tell her how I feel, but there’s a time and a place for everything. So what is the best way to talk to her about this? What is the best thing to say? Is there really a good way to say this? Thank you

Oh and as a side note, I’m not talking about “hitting a home run” so to speak. I understand you can’t run home without first touching 2nd and 3rd. I know for a fact she's not willing to go all the way yet, but she's been very vague on when she'll be ready to move forward at all, which is why I want to have this "matter of fact" talk.

[maupassant]

Oh and as a side note, I’m not talking about “hitting a home run” so to speak. I understand you can’t run home without first touching 2nd and 3rd. I know for a fact she's not willing to go all the way yet, but she's been very vague on when she'll be ready to move forward at all, which is why I want to have this "matter of fact" talk.[/QUOTE]

If she is 'vague' on when she will be ready to move forward, then you must have discussed it I suppose. And, should she still be uncertain, then maybe you should be cautious and patient for a bit longer.
Do you feel that putting the onus on her would be acceptable? Maybe saying something like 'I am ready to move into an eventual physical relationship, but I will only do it when you want to. Will you tell me when you want to move on and what you want me to do?' These words are not perhaps the most romantic, but I think they represent a basically honest approach which would do least damage.
Good luck!

[dancingdoc2]

The regular contributors on the site have dispensed a lot of knowledge over the years. Some of that storehouse of information is available thru links found in the Index located at the top of the main screen.

I recommend that the two of you read all of the articles listed in the Index more than once. You can read them individually or together and afterward, discuss the information you have learned.

You can also go to the library and check out "The Joy of Sex" for additional information.

By reading the articles, above, you get to acquire a lot of valuable information in relatively short doses. By discussing what you have read, the two of you can learn more about each other's thoughts and ideas concerning various aspects of your relationship. Knowledge is empowering, so do not pick and choose which articles to read and not read. The two of you will benefit from having a complete background of information.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[nymets91]

@maupassant
Like I said, it was very brief. It kind of came up in conversation, our "beliefs" as to how a relationship should develop in terms of sex. She was very vague, basically saying that she wanted to wait a while before having intercourse. But as for things like oral sex, she simply implied that she didn't feel she'd have to wait as long to try that.

And as for your suggestion on how to handle it, I was basically thinking of something along those lines, saying that I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to move forward when you're ready and so forth. So that seems like a good way to do it. But that leads me to...

@dancingdoc2
Thank you for that, I will be sure to read through those articles to try and learn as much as possible. I like to think I'm very mature for my age, but I have no doubt that I will learn a lot from those. I am in no rush to talk to her about this, if our relationship continues to thrive I was thinking maybe more around our one year anniversary (which would be about 4 months from now). Thanks

[dancingdoc2]

> It kind of came up in conversation, our "beliefs" as to how a relationship should develop in terms of sex. She was very vague, basically saying that she wanted to wait a while before having intercourse. But as for things like oral sex, she simply implied that she didn't feel she'd have to wait as long to try that.

You will find two very important concepts discussed in a couple of the articles on making out as well as in the forums. The first is that women set the boundaries for how far to go when making out, and, for how rapidly; second, is what is known as "Implied Consent". This means that consent to kiss, cuddle, hug, caress, etc., is implied up to some limit that she determines is comfortable for her at the time. IC means that we do not have to keep asking if it is OK to go "here" and do "this" or not. Assume you have her consent and proceed as if you have a green light up to the point where she stops you.

Once you know her limit then you know how far you can comfortably explore her body. That said, so when do you know you can go farther? Answer: by testing her previous boundary. If she has chosen to extend her previous boundary limit, she will not stop you when you get to that previous limit and try to go beyond. This now gives you the green light to do more up until you reach her new boundary, and so it goes.

How does this work for your relationship? Don't ask, just do, and see where your making out and explorations take you. Once she stops your progress, then you know her limit, all without having to discuss the matter. If you know she is interested in making out, then just go for it. If you are wondering if she is ready for more intimacy, then test the limit. If you are wondering if she is ready to do Foreplay like a hand job and/or oral, then keep on keeping on and eventually she will have set her limit to just beyond this point.

Give all this a try and see how it goes. I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Brandye]

.... just remember no means NO!

[dancingdoc2]

Or--STOP!

Testing a limit or boundary does not mean being pushy.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oh my!

Well, I think somewhat differently. In my not so humble opinion, you shouldn't do more than "invite" HER to enjoy YOU. Let me explain.

In your posts, YOU are the 'active' person; ready to move up to the next level, etc. You want to know how to pitch this to her.

Turn that around.

Be willing to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and other generally non-sexual things but with a hint of "if you want more, sweetheart, you only have to ask" about it. DON'T explore, go to 1st base or anything else. She has to ASK YOU for whatever.

By doing this, you are slowly making her understand that she is now the 'active' partner. This method is related to 'teasing' without being overt and obvious about it. She should get the idea that you are more than willing but you're not going anywhere without an invitation - gilt-edged with big bold print.

Instead of you having to do all the work, make her do some. Got it?

[maupassant]

Wise words EEK.

[the sweet guy]

Absolutly brilliant, take it at her pace, it'll make the outcome that much better