What is a "Safe Word"? Choosing & Using...

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by Ephemera

What's the safe word?

A "Safe Word" when expressed is a word that is used to immediately put a stop to what one or both of you are doing--no questions asked. Stopping is akin to a cease and desist order and should not, must not, be taken lightly.

When one of you has reached a limit of stimulation or the pursuit of some activity and have had quite enough and do not believe you can continue, or want to, then this word can be used to bring everything to an immediate hands off halt. For this to work, neither of you must say to yourself "I'll stop in a second or two"--whatever. Trust, therefore is a major requirement.

Use of a safe word gives both individuals the freedom to explore and to expand what they want to try or do all the while knowing that these actions will never get out of hand. A word to the wise: DO NOT abuse or flagrantly disregard the use of a safe word. To do so can and usually will break the trust between a couple, or at the very least, severely damage the bond. Once trust is damaged and/or broken, it is often difficult to impossible to repair. Your relationship can suffer by being cavalier and adopting a dismissive attitude. If your relationship is important to you, do not mess with safe words and their purpose for being.

A safe word must be some word or nonsense word the two of you agree upon that is never used in general conversation. Words and phrases like "stop", "STOP!", "don't do that", "quit that"; "no more, please; etc. should not be used. By not using these words, any or all can then be used in the script of your sex play if desired.

HINT: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" {from the movie: "Sound of Music" ) is a nonsense word that is never used in general conversation, however, it is also too lengthy to be used safely. Please be practical when making a selection as a safe word is extremely important not to mention time-sensitive in its implementation.

[dlb]

Some people use physical signals-time out sports sign for example. If the couple is in close contact for the duration of the play period a hand squeeze is often used. This is useful if the bottom or submissive partner is bound and or gagged. Many S&Mers use "RED!" for IT'S OVER NOW or "AMBER" for BE CAREFUL I AM CLOSE TO MY LIMIT.

[weasel]

bannana is a verry poular one in tv, also to add what dancingdoc2 said, even in light bondage, such as just hands being tied up, is becasue it means nothing else but stop everything. stop can mean, stop everything, stop doing what your doing and do something else, (stop fingering and start oral) stop a spicific thing (stop licking and start sucking) so anytime where one partner has less controll than usual, such as restraining of any specific domination, there has to be a saftey word. My girlfriend actualy thinks the idea of having a saftey word sexy. also for more hard core bondage or S&M it is a great idea to have two levels (such as doc said for amber and red) any more than two or three will just become confusing and take away from the expirience

[dlb]

When is a safe word needed?

For every day (or night ) roughish sex you probably don't need a safe word. Saying " don't thrust quite so hard/deep" or "hey you are squeezing too tight" or " biting too hard" should be enough in those cases.

A safe word becomes desirable in a situation involving role play;usually disciplinary role play in which one person assumes the role of an authority figure and another the role of subordinate. Common examples are teacher/student, boss/employee, captor/captive and master/slave, but there are other scenarios too.

In these sorts of scenarios the subordinate, or submissive if you wish, might say "please stop," don't hit me any more," "I can't take it any more" or similar things as part of his/her persona in the game. In case the discipline/torture becomes too intense and the person on the receiving end really needs to stop the use of the safe word allows the torturer or dominant to know that this is genuine and not part of the "scene." This goes for "verbal humilliation" as well as "corporal discipline."

Before someone tries to correct me on the bit about role play allow me to add that a role play scenario is not the only situation in which a safe word might be used. People who are just starting out in BDSM style activities and have very little experience with this sort of sex play should probably have a safe word. This is a sort of insurance policy for the submissive partner. Of course a safe word should be mutually agreed upon before the activity begins. The people who are into S&M, pain play, might rely less on role play than people who are into B&D or Bondage and Discipline. Still if someone is on the receiving end of a whipping,waxing or piercing just being able to say "amber" if she needs a breather or "red!" if it is just too intense to go on is a great psychological tranquilizer.

If everything is going well the safe word will never be used. If you truly want to be dominant you have to understand your partner's physical, mental and emotional response stages; whether it be for vanilla ( non BDSM style ) sex or whether it be the most intense Bondage, Discipline or S&M scene. The dominant should be able to play the submissive like a virtuoso musician plays an instrument. If pain play is involved the dominant should be able to take the submissive right to the edge of the sub's limit without passing the limit. In a dom-sub couple with excellent communication the dom might actually expand the sub's limits little by little. It is when the dom suddenly passes the limit and the sub is not mentally or physically able at the moment that the safe word might be invoked.

If you are playing with a new partner and especially if you do not have years of experience in BDSM you should have a safe word.

As I said before my S&M friends usually go with the traffic light colors:"amber"= proceed with caution, but be prepared to stop and "red" = stop right here and now, go no further!

If a bit gag or over mouth gag is used a word like "OCEAN" is easy to pronounce. If a person is ball gagged or has tape over the mouth a signal such as blinking of eyes, a simple hand signal (two fingers up) or a double squeeze of the hand is better.

The safe word is a sort of safety net. There should never be a reason to invoke it. The idea here is to have a great kinky time.

[Pill]

DLB said pretty much everything, except one thing which I will offer in addition...

When choosing a safe word, especially if (like myself and my girlfriend) you do not have years of experience, I think it's important to go out of your way to make it VERY CLEAR to your partner that if they say their safeword you will stop everything RTFN.

Saying this out loud and with emphasis will go a long way towards establishing the mental safety blanket that DLB talked about.

My girl and I have never needed to use our safeword (which is 'safe'), and I don't really expect that we will, but I feel better knowing that she has a way to unambiguously let me know that she wants to stop. Just in case. That way I never have to worry about whether or not she wants me to stop.

We don't use gags, so a gag signal hasn't been necessary. If we do start using gags, though, I think I'd probably go with something like '3 grunts in a row.'