a year of trying

[o113o]

So, I'm new to the forums and everything. so Hi everyone

Now on to a problem that I'm having and would like some advice on. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year now, I am 19 and he is 21. I have not had sex before and he hasn't had intercourse. Our relationship started as kind of a fling, we were "friends with benefits", if you will, for a few weeks but never actually had intercourse.

Once we were actually dating and sleeping together the relationship obviously became much more intimate. we would engage in foreplay and oral sex all the time. But after a few months I was wondering why we hadn't tried intercourse. I care deeply for him and feel most comfortable with him so I felt ready. and from the way he behaved with me it seemed like he felt the same way. So we had tried a few times. But everytime proved to be afailure. Either he can get an erection but it won't stay up or he can't get an erection at all. I have tried to help start him up with a hand job or something and even talk to him about it. but he says he just gets nervous with me everytime. He says he feels he can't perform well because of his size and that I won't be pleased. apparently this anxiety really bothers him.

I have tried to tell him that I love him and he should have no reason to be nervous with me but I can't seem to get through to him. I just don't know how common this problem is but I would really just like to be able to have sex with my boyfriend and after a year of trying I'm hoping we can find a solution to this so we can. thanks so much for reading through this

[CLVR-HNDS_GUY]

not sure why it would be, try just laying there and not thinking of doing it and just touching and working around. i found with the last girlfriend i was seeing was to work up to it and go until she is ready, kissing and touching at the same time may help or he may have to go and see a doctor about it.
i found touching and having the lights turned off is a thrill because you dont know where the other persons hands are, maybe something to try. hopefully the main members in this forum may be able to help with other ideas

[EvilEvilKitten]

The man doubts his ability to please you - and since this is not the first time he's "run" from intercourse - his doubt is handicapping him to the point of making him incapable which, to his mind, is only proving his doubts and around we go in this viscious circle.

This is what happens when performance anxiety goes unchecked.

This is what YOU'RE going to do. Find, read, and then do The Program. You do this to him, WITHOUT permitting him to orgasm, btw no need to tell him beforehand that this is your plan, to the point where he's SCREAMING for you and forgets his anxiety. Bring him to the point of insanity due to lust and then pounce upon him - do female superior "cowgirl" before he has time to "worry" himself out of an erection. NOW you can let him orgasm.

Yes, this means you're going to have to do the work, take the 'lead' , and be in charge - sorry, if that's not your thing - but it is the only way to break through this roadblock he's got in his head.

Afterwards, you get to cuddle and tell him how wonderful he was/is/and will be when you do it all again in 15 minutes. And again after that.

You want to allot 4 hours for this exercise and to "enjoy" him until he forgets his anxiety as well as loses his ability to remember his own name. The problem will be solved when he pounces upon you instead of you pouncing upon him.


BTW it is "my boyfriend and I" - the other person first.

[dlb]

Many young men have performance anxiety. Loosing an erection at the moment when penetration should occur is not that unusual among the inexperienced.

Don't pressure him. Find out what turns him on the most-could be dirty talk, a certain kind of behavior, the way you wear your hair, the way you undress or not- and do those things for him.

Also learn to be proficient at fellatio. More than 99% men think fellatio is the greatest thing in the world. That will probably keep him up.

Try saying, "Take me, make love to me " or something even dirtier. That usually helps.

If none of this combined with patience can lead to the two of you having successful coitus then he needs to see a sex therapists. This is what they specialize in.

[Brandye]

It is time for him to see a urologist and explain the whole thing. While all the psychological factors mentioned above are potentially there, we begin by eliminating the organic issues. Hence, an exam focused on the problem.

Following that, there may be some deep seeded psychological problems - could eb as simple as not trusting contraception or it could be poor self-image reinforced by a year of "Failure." At some point the failure begets only more failure.

Start with the doctor and follow up with counseling. Do not blame yourself.

[EvilEvilKitten]

It all depends upon how she sees herself whether she goes the "be nice and coddle him, pet him, assuade his ego and tell him it's ok" route or she "takes charge" and SHOWS him that he really is ok. Which speaks louder? Action or words?

You also have to consider - his other ladies have probably told him the same sort of things and it hasn't worked since it isn't "just with her".

[dlb]

It says right here that they are both virgins.

Originally Posted by o113o

I am 19 and he is 21. I have not had sex before and he hasn't had intercourse.

It doesn't say anywhere that he has had this problem with anyone else. It does sound as though he is insecure.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, and in what you quoted was the key - he has had sex but has not managed yet to have intercourse. So what does that tell you except that he's had this problem before with others? He's enjoyed both manual and oral sex but no intercourse. Remember she's a female using "femme-speak".

[dlb]

Many people use "have sex" and "intercourse" interchangeably. I do not, but I tend to go with young and uninformed speak. If by "intercourse" you mean genital/genital coitus and by "sex" you mean everything else that does not support your hypothesis. I had oral sex three years before I ever got "laid." It had nothing to do with my ability to sustain an erection.

I actually know a couple who had this very same problem when they were in their early 20s. He had never been with anyone before, but not because he could not sustain an erection. He was just shy. They DID have problems consummating their relationship because of his inability to sustain an erection. This was a performance anxiety problem which they overcame; they now have a grad student and a college sophomore.

Of course we could just ask o113o to clarify this for us.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She did, via pm, so - please just accept it. She's not his 'first'.