What Can I/We Do To Prepare For First Time Intercourse?

[dancingdoc2]

I do have some thoughts for the two of you to mull over.

First, does your boyfriend really get the seriousness of the emotional damage that was done to you by the rape? I doubt it, because he has not lived it, and is a male who can often just get on with things that he was not involved with personally.

I have done a lot of reading on the matter and thought I knew how to handle a person's feelings and could understand what a woman was having to live with, but, I did not--not until I felt truly violated in another way when my first wife left and had a male friend enter the house with her and help move her out. I was out that evening and when I came home and found the house disturbed and her things gone, and learned later who had helped her, I felt very violated by this man being in my home, even though my wife had invited him. It took a couple of years to get over the feeling.

Second, have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend and share your emotions and concerns with him. You do not have to share the actual details, just what is swarming around in your head.

Third, ask for and enlist his help and support and tell him what you need from him. He is not a mind reader. (Guys need the dots spaced very close together as well as being connected!)

Fourth, you must know and understand that the rape was not your fault. It is never a woman's fault. This was a personal attack that was perpetrated on you by one individual.

Logically, you have to know that not all men are like this one bad guy. That said, you then have to believe that unless and until your boyfriend or any other man gives indications of behaving any other way than honorable, that you can and should trust him. Although, trust is earned, in order to initiate trust in the beginning, each of us must give a little to the other person sufficient to get the relationship off the ground. That done, the rest is earned through the deeds and accomplishments we give to each other.

It is counter productive to have the attitude that because one guy proved to be bad, all guys therefore must be suspect. This is saying in essence that I will trust you only if you successfully meet the following conditions, first. More often than not, what happens next is that he will never meet those conditions, and, you will continually test him to see if he will fail. The result is relationship stagnation.

Fifth, do not make sex or intercourse your goal or objective. Make intimacy the objective. Learn to cultivate intimacy by spending lots of time hugging, snuggling, kissing, whispering sweet nothings; and, maybe even just talking about stuff that isn't all too important.

Sixth, please read the articles listed in the Index regarding dating and relationships. Follow these up with the information on fooling around and making out. Do this individually or together.

Keep your relationship at this stage for as long as you desire. Do not be in a rush to finish with intercourse. You can, when the time is right, finish with a hand and/or oral and achieve much more intense orgasms. (Think months not weeks with regard to Necking and Petting, all before moving on to Foreplay and later, intercourse.)

Seventh, discuss the information learned from reading the many articles and how you can implement the how-to's into your own relationship.

Eighth, understand that great relationships are formed not by what we take in order to get; rather by what we give each other in order to receive. Do not hesitate to trust your boyfriend. Give him the benefit of the doubt, your initial level of trust, and proceed from there. If he is worthy, he won't disappoint in a major way; although, he could in small irritating ways as he grows, learns, and, matures.

Ninth, make your next move only when you are ready. (As an aside to this, read the article that discusses "Implied Consent", just to help keep the "ball" rolling yet under control.)

Next, please read the articles listed under the heading "SEX e.g. INTERCOURSE" in the Index. This includes the information in the articles at the top of this thread.

Tenth, if you are struggling with the emotional trauma of the past, please do seek counseling from a therapist knowledgeable with the concerns of rape victims. If money is of concern, consult your doctor, a minister, or the health department for a referral. Very often there are people who offer their services at a reduced fee or ability to pay.

> I find it weird that moms should talk to their daughters... okay not "weird" bc i totally agree, but what about those girls out there who dont have a mom. The only reason i say that is, my mom left when i was 3. I have lived with my dad ever since. No step mom. so how do they convince their father (or father figure) to let them go to the Gyno.. they arent usually so ... open to the idea of this?

Do you have an aunt or grandmother living close by or a trusted adult woman friend who can help you with your questions and concerns? What about your school nurse? Yes or no, you can always visit your local Planned Parenthood on your own. If a relative is available, she can also intercede on your behalf with your father.

Many of your questions will probably be answered in one or more of the articles listed in the Index found at the top of the main screen.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope the two of you will enjoy participating. Please begin by reading the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, in addition to the Index. As mentioned, the Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

I hope this is of help to you and your boyfriend. Got questions? After doing your reading assignments, please do not hesitate to ask.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Smilez - TALK TO HIM. ASK HIM. Explore this topic with him physically and find out directly what YOU and he like/dislike or don't care about.

[betsy]

This is a good way to learn what I need to know. I think that there is a lot of helpful information

[RedRoses]

First, does your boyfriend really get the seriousness of the emotional damage that was done to you by the rape? I doubt it, because he has not lived it, and is a male who can often just get on with things that he was not involved with personally.

I have done a lot of reading on the matter and thought I knew how to handle a person's feelings and could understand what a woman was having to live with, but, I did not--not until I felt truly violated in another way when my first wife left and had a male friend enter the house with her and help move her out. I was out that evening and when I came home and found the house disturbed and her things gone, and learned later who had helped her, I felt very violated by this man being in my home, even though my wife had invited him. It took a couple of years to get over the feeling.

Although it was a long time ago this was posted, I'd like to comment on this.
Doc, I appreciate you doing reading on these women trying to understand. And I do appreciate you sharing a personal story and I would not want to diminish it. Cause this must have been a shocker to you, I know I sure would have been shocked!

But I don't think someone violating your home will ever compare to your body being violated. I'd say you have witnessed a shimmer of the deep dark waters that are inside a woman who was raped. I would not say I'd be able to fully understand, as I've only been sexually violated in the past, not raped. But I do know this:

Your body is the element that is heavily connected to you as a person. It is filled with the hormones and chemistry that makes you feel love, hope, sadness, anger and every emotion in between. It allows you to breath and let's you run along this earth. Your life-energy flows through it. Your body is your temple; holier than any sacred ground. It IS your life! Through your body you are connected with the universe. It holds the key to giving birth to new life itself. Your body is the home you will never ever get to run away from...

I think this describes just a little how hard it is to make peace with your body again. You feel ashamed of it, no matter what others say, cause your body is so close and important to you that it feels like it IS you. All it takes is repeating again and again and again that there is nothing you should feel ashamed of. That you still are still that most beautiful person. And no-one will ever take that away from you!!!

[baby_girl198]

ok me and my boyfriend of about a year have had oral sex but not actual sex and i have heard about popping her cherry and people have told me it might hurt a little and youll bleed. how much blood do you loose would it b like a day of your period? or more?
and are there any tricks or pistions that would make both of us comnfertable and relaxed

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope the two of you will enjoy participating. Please begin by reading the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, in addition to the Index. As mentioned, the Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

When you write messages, please refrain from using texting shorthand as it is very annoying.

> me n my bf of about a year have had oral sex but not actual sex n i have heard about poppin her cherry n peoplee have toldme it might hurt a lil n ull bleed. how much blood do u loose would it b like a day of ur period? or more?

Hymens come in a variety of sizes, shapes, hole patterns, and thicknesses. Many erode away during childhood and the teen years from exercise and sporting activities. There may be a twinge of pain and maybe not.

Bleeding is minimal, often being only a few drops, and not unlike cutting your finger. As with any other wound, it will take several days to heal and can be sore if rubbed by a finger or penis in the meantime.

Please read the articles listed in the Index about having intercourse for the first time, as well as making out in general. I recommend that the two of you do this and discuss what you have learned, adding the information to what each of you already knows.

Before having intercourse, it is strongly recommended that you have a gyn. exam by your doctor. S/he will check to make sure all is A-OK. You can also use the time to discuss any questions or concerns you may have.

Also, have two-three contraceptives in place (his, yours, ours) or the very least, two--the first and last.

> n r there any tricks or pistions that would make both of us comnfertable and relaxed

The Woman Superior or Cowgirl position is recommended because it places the woman in control. You can do a site search on the term and read more about why this position is strongly recommended.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[chloelin]

I'm bewildered that we still have our maidenheads torn by a blunt instrument. It's barbaric and reeks of male-domination. A quick snip at the clinic with a local anaesthetic, a form of female circumcision you might say.

[Brandye]

NO. Emphatically, that is not a form of female circumcision. Female circumcision is a terrible abuse that removes the clitoris. Be bewildered but be knowledgeable before making wild statements.

[chloelin]

**Innocent**, I and all your sisters on this site reach out to comfort you, yet know how hard it will be for you. I know men who cry for shame when they hear about this bestial crime. You know better than anyone what you need to do; even others who have suffered are not the same as you and can tell you what they did but not advise you. I doubt your boy-friend will be impatient.

When you say "let them go to the Gyno" you must be quite young if you need permission. Time heals but heals slowly.

[raunchy gal]

**innocent**i'm sure that your boyfriend really cares for you and will be as gentle as possible with you when you first have sexual intercourse.I can't say i know how you feel but i can empathise with you as i was sexually molested by an uncle for almost 8years from age 8 onwards.I was never raped by him although he threatened to rape me when i turned 18.Luckily for me this never happened.My first sexual experience at age 23 was more than a bit daunting at first,but i had a loving partner who was gentle and didn't pressure me into doing anything that i didn't want to do.I had a beautiful 6 month relationship with this man and although i 've had ongoing issues with the abuse i suffered, i vowed not to let it ruin any relationships i might have in the future.