help im in need of advice

[lnt1103]

Wait a moment I'm confused. In the OP's first post she asked how to find a guy to do this with. In her next, she said she's known the guy about a year. What's the real story, and I agree with Brandye's first reaction, she needs to seriously get a grip! IMO, losing your virginity is not something you do just for the hell of it, or just to rebel, or just for a 'badge of honor'. Goofschik is right. Think long, hard and deep within yourself about why you want this and what it will mean. Then put it out of your mind and wait until you're ready for it-trust me, you'll know when you are, and IMO you're not.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by sera300

Often these are schools where the paper is presented and the female promises through the paper to parents & community to remain a virgin. Looking at the tradition which began; if you did not sign it and "celebrate" you were ostracized by the school, peers, and parents.

The girls wore white dresses looking similar to wedding gowns! It did not mention a religious school; it was a community event which the schools encouraged.

Oh, see now that pisses me off. I had no idea that's what a cotillion was all about(my guess is that's what you're referencing here) I thought it was just the whole 'coming out party' concept. Obviously I never had either so what do I know LOL

Even with my beliefs on the subject of sex the school and community have no business putting that much pressure on a kid. One's teens are hard enough as it is without the whole community getting this way about someone having sex. This is not the 1950s for crying out loud, and even if it were I fully believe it was the same as it is now, people just talked about the behavior less back then. This issue belongs between the parents and the kid, and once old enough and mature enough, solely with the kid.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Oh, see now that pisses me off. I had no idea that's what a cotillion was all about(my guess is that's what you're referencing here) I thought it was just the whole 'coming out party' concept. Obviously I never had either so what do I know LOL

Even with my beliefs on the subject of sex the school and community have no business putting that much pressure on a kid. One's teens are hard enough as it is without the whole community getting this way about someone having sex. This is not the 1950s for crying out loud, and even if it were I fully believe it was the same as it is now, people just talked about the behavior less back then. This issue belongs between the parents and the kid, and once old enough and mature enough, solely with the kid.

I don't agree with it either. I watched these "pledges" taking place on the news a few mornings in a story they covered--upholding the "Bush Policy of Abstinence". Now what is the religion in the community? They did not cover that part; however, appeared to be a varietal group of coalition members. Honestly these girls were young, about 12-14, and I felt it SO unfair that they had a "choice" imposed upon them. Just say you live in the community and you did not show yet all your friends did? Tell me the parents & child would not be scrutinized. It was public peer pressure to sign and pledge yet have no real understanding of what it meant for the next 5, 10, 15 years of their life. It was very odd since their father's were the ones attending the party with them. I do not agree with such pressures for having sex or for abstaining form sex.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The Cult of Virginity

Nothing has ruined more relationships than this idea of virginity having value. There was a reason for this before reliable birth control. But even then, the main idea behind it was repugnant. The cult of virginity was founded on the belief that once a woman had sex with a man she was ‘tainted’ and had no further value. None. Not even as a human being with a brain and whatever talent she may possess. Girls were subjected to wedding nights that resembled rapes and were considered sluts if they showed the least desire or enjoyment even within marriage. Ignorance of your most basic human drive is not a ‘gift’ and there’s nothing ‘precious’ about virginity.

Without some experience with men, and with yourself, your chances of selecting the most suitable husband are slender. Consider that the number one complaint of married men after 20 years with the same woman is lack of sex. Why is that? It is because women have the idea that being sexually experienced, enjoying sex, and desiring masculine attention makes them a worthless slut. With this baggage in their heads, they bring useless issues about sex with them. They pretend before marriage and then give it all up once they’ve had their children if they even have children.

The truth is that women have the same desires as men do. If she manages it properly, she can have a satisfying, safe, and entirely electrifyingly enjoyable sex life before, during, and after marriage – for her entire life. A sexually self-aware woman has the capacity to ‘out-gun’ any six men you’d care to name. Focus that kind of attention upon a man and he’d be more than just merely delighted. Show him what you like, tell him what you like, participate fully, reciprocate, initiate sex, take control – have fun with this! How can you do all that if you have no idea what you like and what you’re doing?

Furthermore, each man has his own style when it comes to sex. Each man has his own issues when it comes to sex. The more men you enjoy, the more you learn, the better your choices become, and the less you fear. The ‘sacredness’ of sex lies not in the sex itself but in the bond between the partners.

The proper management of sexuality includes both using birth control, The Pill is the most effective, and condoms to prevent transmission of any diseases and to make clean-up easier. As for the rest, men will offer their services but you always have the final say not only as to enjoying him or not but even as to how you will enjoy him – the individual acts themselves. The woman controls the action.

In short: virginity is ignorance and a serious handicap promoted by those who wish to repress women's sexuality. And since your parents have maggots instead of brains, here are some resources for you so you avoid stupid mistakes:

books:
Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Burned Alive by Souad
Sex in History by Reay Tannahill

online resources:
http://www.iep.utm.edu/s/sexualit.htm

for real life assistance:
woman's shelters
Planned Parenthood

I could say much more on this topic but I shall end this by saying
BURN THAT PAPER IN THE DRIVEWAY NOW.

[Brandye]

Evil, that would certainly stir up some controversy at the local church or parents' organization at school. Or at least at my stereotypes of those in the US. Very thoughful and thought provoking.

When Eva and I were each considering our first seduction of our boyfriends (at age 14) one of the things we discussed was the "burden" of our virginity. At school and at church in the Hebrides, we young women were constantly being told how improtant it was to maintain our virginity. A big reason for our becoming sexually active so young was to get rid of it and stop worrying about protecting it.

I am glad you think Our Bodies.... is as important a book as I.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are all VERY fortunate that I ditched my first reply - which would have incinerated half the US.

Some women may regret losing their virginity. Most merely regret the way in which it was done but not the doing. Some could not wait to rid themselves of it!

It is a very important book. I wish more would read it.
The other two have their own part to play. Burned Alive!! is a harrowing tale of what happens when a woman is kept too close and also about parental hypocracy. Sex in History gives you the full treatment of how cultures view, and change their views, of sex.

This whole promise ring/pledge thing is going to raise another generation of female sexual cripples.

[Beckeh]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

You are all VERY fortunate that I ditched my first reply - which would have incinerated half the US.

I don't feel fortunate, I bet it would have been interesting.
I agree with Brandye on the "very thoughful and thought provoking".

[EvilEvilKitten]

I thought so but then remembered others would find it too much to deal with.
The basic need of men to know that she is their's alone and that their children are his - seems so very insecure and fearful - and who wants a man like that? I want a tiger who fears nothing, not some small mouse only fit for cowering in corners!

[raez]

First of all- CHEERS TO EEK and all who have voiced agreement!

I freaking HATED those stupid abstinence pledges, and even though they told us it was our "choice", if you didn't sign, it was like you were automatically labeled (FUTURE SLUT). At age 13!!!

Abstinence only education is the biggest crock of S***. It is completely worthless, kids just end up feeling completely uncomfortable about sex, are ignorant about it, end up having it anyway (often feeling guilty about it later) and do so without knowing how to do so RESPONSIBLY. We should be teaching young girls (and boys) as much as we can about their sexuality, about how to protect themselves, and to EMBRACE their sexuality. Virginity should be left to the individual to decide how valuable it is to them. Oooo religious interference in education and government gets me soo irritated..

Oh and the copy of Our Bodies Ourselves that my mother gave me was what I would be reading while not paying attention in sex ed class lol and disgustingly enough, i'm sure if I'd have been caught I would have definitely gotten in trouble.

If you all want a good book to read that talks about the subject of virginity and many other ways in which women in particular are oppressed, I suggest reading Infidel (sorry I couldn't even begin to spell the author's name) She is an Muslim woman turned athiest who fled from Africa to Holland and ended up becoming a member of Parliament there, her struggle to abandon all the ideas she was taught about being a "proper" woman (aka, rights-less and subservient to men, in all ways, including sexually) is truly admirable, and probably quite insightful for people who have no deep knowledge of this kind of struggle that many women face everyday. I highly recommend it!

[sera300]

Raez;
Here is the info and you were correct: http://www.amazon.com/Infidel-Ayaan-.../dp/0743289684.

She had quite a life & is certainly a person of interest in her plight. Definitely worth a read.