Freezing Up...WTF?!?!?

[Ducy]

Ok so sorry for the title but I have no idea what to call it and Im kinda losing my mind lol.

Anyways...so my girlfriend and I have taken a break from sexual activity. (she has been dealing with sexual abuse flashbacks and I have been trying to feel the pleasures of simple things...a backrub, hug, snuggling) Well for about a week or so we were hanging out a lot, and we would kiss and just kinda relax and watch movies etc. etc. and my sex drive has been so so...I mean I dont masturbate as much, but I still kinda get in the mood when im with her.

Well today we were at my house, and we were laying on my bed just sort of snuggling cuz the movie ended. Well i kissed her, and it was just a simple kiss. nothing special, not trying to initiate. Well her arms were around me and she just sorta rolled and and got on top of me. At this point, not only was she pinning me to the bed, but I could feel her trying to coerce my lips into opening up for a little makeout sesson. IDK why but I froze and it sucks.
normally had she been on top of me, I would have been....well you get the idea. But rather than get me into the mood, it made me nervous.

I thought perhaps it was because we havent actually made out or anything for two weeks. (one of just no time and the other agreed to take a break from things) but thinking back I have never had a problem with lack of action...in fact I went 4 weeks a long while ago and when we did finally fool around I was just in the zone.

I am so confused right now, and I guess this really isnt a question, but more of a vent. I mean I have honestly been looking forward to making out for the last two weeks lol but then suddenly I get the chance and I chicken out. And usually I would jump all over her being on top of me trying to pin me to the bed. I would be trying to get her shirt off, or grabbing her a** but...AYE YI YI I really hate hormones...one second you want...the next you dont.

I feel bad right now, because my girlfriend thinks that she messed up. (i mean she could tell i was uncomfortable, and just got off of me.)

She told me that she wasnt trying to get into any touchy feely just a simple make out, and the reasons for acting the way she did was.
A she really wanted to make out with me,
and
B) she just wanted to be more comfortable, because it gets kinda awkward making out side by side while lying down. (we both usually get neck aches lol.)

Well thanks for listening...I know there is probably some reason why this happened, but for whatever reason I dont see it...
Im usually not a quitter but i give up...

[machine_rat]

Were you afraid that her advances weren't honest? By that, do you think that she, being aware of your 'sexual hiatus', was doing this more as a way just to please you? Or trying to force herself to try to have fun?

Maybe you locked up because you didn't want to feel coercive.

[machine_rat]

And of course it's kind of like driving blindfolded given the unpredictable nature of when or what will cause a flashback to occur.

[Ducy]

Well we both agreed to give up sex for a while...it was her idea actually because she just felt really uncomfortable...I really didnt know what to think...like it was nervousness with a little bit of fear with a little bit of anxiety....IDK it was a really weird feeling.

[machine_rat]

The other uncomfortable thing for you is that it's a fine line between looking out for her wellfare (by taking it easy) and running the risk of making her feel rejected.

[Ducy]

That does make sense...I just hate the fact that I have been wanting to make out with her for two weeks...pretty much up until she tried to make out with me...then I was like....ummm...sorry I cant.

[eminatic]

well it could be a psychological thing because the two of you agreed in advance that you were going to take a break from sex, so her advances may have given you conflicted feelings which might cause you to freeze up...

when i first started having sex with my boyfriend, he had a similar problem...both for reasons like your girlfriend's, and because we have a bit of an age difference...which made him feel like what he was doing was "wrong"

[machine_rat]

Is she dead set against seeking professional therapy for what had happened to her, afraid of some sort of stigma that may be attatched to seeing a therapist? Does she see it as strength by not relying on qualified help, or to 'not give power to the abuser' by cowerring into counselling? It seems like your the only one asking the questions and doing the research for her problems (though typically it's easier to point out someone's issues than for them to see it in themselves).

Sexual abuse is the gift that keeps on giving and won't go away on its own. Books and phone calls and online threads will only go so far, she seriously needs to seek therapy. If money is an issue, there are certainly a number of free services available in your community.

[Ducy]

I dont really know why...Ive told her before that she should go because it will help her deal with it, and it will help keep her from having falshbacks from sex...but she doesnt see sex as important...yeah it feels good to her but it doesnt really matter to her...she has become more open about it...I mean she has talked more about it in the last two weeks than the last 8 months. So she is getting a bit better as far as admitting it happened...IDK if she will ever be willing to go though.

I think part of refusing to go to therapy has to do with the fact that her abuser was a stranger....the babysitters hubby who she had only seen once before...so by talking about it, it makes her feel helpless like during the times of abuse, and talking to a stranger only makes it worse...I mean she couldnt even tell me when it was up until our 5 month...I mean just recently I found out a bit of what he did to her...and when she first told me, she couldnt say it, she wrote it down and I was right next to her. she still has a bit of trouble telling me whats going on in her head...all she can say is flashbacks and why. (which is much better than 2 months ago.)

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Ducy

I dont really know why...Ive told her before that she should go because it will help her deal with it, and it will help keep her from having falshbacks from sex...but she doesnt see sex as important...yeah it feels good to her but it doesnt really matter to her...she has become more open about it...I mean she has talked more about it in the last two weeks than the last 8 months. So she is getting a bit better as far as admitting it happened...IDK if she will ever be willing to go though.

I think part of refusing to go to therapy has to do with the fact that her abuser was a stranger....the babysitters hubby who she had only seen once before...so by talking about it, it makes her feel helpless like during the times of abuse, and talking to a stranger only makes it worse...I mean she couldnt even tell me when it was up until our 5 month...I mean just recently I found out a bit of what he did to her...and when she first told me, she couldnt say it, she wrote it down and I was right next to her. she still has a bit of trouble telling me whats going on in her head...all she can say is flashbacks and why. (which is much better than 2 months ago.)

Ducy give her the phone number I gave you....then distance yourself. It takes realizing the toll on relationships to make one seek help. You can not babysit her or coddle her here...best she can expect from you is support, not lack of being a sexual being. You are going to end up with hang ups.

Either she akes action (it's anonomysis) or you step away.