HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:

[dancingdoc2]

A person's previous "Experience" is a topic of frequent concern to many posters and because it is I am giving the topic a second albeit distinct link to the information that is also posted in Chapter Five of the multi-part article appearing under the heading: Beyond Beginning- that covers this subject and several related matters in separate chapters.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:
So What?

The very nature of fooling around and venturing farther as you move around the proverbial "bases" is just how each of us becomes more and more comfortable with intimacy. Please understand that experience equates to knowledge, not skill. Regardless of experience, each time a new partnership is formed there is going to be a new Square One from which to begin. It is important that both parties know and understand these two factors.

People are different, what's more, people are wired differently and because of this may respond differently than someone else one or the other of you were with previously. Add to this that the two of you have individual likes, dislikes, preferences, quirks, moral values, beliefs, hangups, expectations, troubles with this or that as well as finding one or more activities much to your liking. Discovering these things, working through any problem areas, and learning to become proficient as a team are all unique to the two of you and have little bearing on past compatibility with someone else. You have a unique set of dynamics. Sex ain't just about plugging P into V. While this may be the common denominator, arriving at the solution often takes unique turns and twists that will be different than what was encountered with another partner.

I've said this time and again and it is worth repeating:
Communication is key to a successful relationship and this includes the romantic and sexual aspects, also. Talk to each other and work together, keeping in mind these two facts; first, that being in love and making love are not things we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other; second, that experience equates to knowledge, not skill. In the beginning, and as you become used to each other and develop a synergy, there will likely be some rough spots and sex may or may not come off as you hope for. This is common for most couples. My recommendation is to get over your wish for everything to be perfect and concentrate on making it worthwhile. Work on the connection between the two of you and not so much on mechanical perfection. That will come. Explore and learn together. Find comfort in the similarities; find enjoyment in the new and unknown.

It is not uncommon for a man or woman to be shy about their body and timid with regard to what it is they would like their partner to do. A person with little experience and insight into what two people can do, can be hard pressed for a response, possibly becoming nervous at the thought of having to come up with an idea. If this happens, it is OK! There is no cause for alarm or thinking you're being put on the spot with no escape. If asked, and having no answer, simply suggest to your partner that you explore different things together. If you have heard or read about this or that and it sounds interesting, then suggest it; otherwise, explore the unknown. Some activities may require having a discussion at a time when the two of you are not planning on being intimate right then. The rest of the time, just try this or that, see how it goes over, and go from there. You may not like something immediately yet warm up to it later; you may find you enjoy a particular caress and want to do it often. Much of the love making scripting that couples do develop over time and with having developed a comfort level with themselves, their partner, and in the relationship.

Compromise may be necessary once in a while. One or the other may like a particular form of caress or activity and the other partner may not be as enthusiastic. If this happens the two of you should discuss the importance of the activity and how often it should be incorporated into your lovemaking. "Negotiation" is defined as giving the other person as much of what they want without giving up the core of what you want.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say: I know it is a guy thing to want to be perfect, to have your first time go off without a hitch, to hide from your partner your lack of experience and possibly expertise, as well as other factors your Fragile Male Ego may become focused and hung up on. Making love is the physical expression and confirmation of a strong emotional bond. If your emotional connection with each other is strong, if she trusts and admires your leadership (or at the very least your potential ability) in other areas then these qualities are what will carry you through the rough spots, be they the awkwardness of those first sexual encounters, or, other very real problems and stresses you encounter in everyday life.

So, whether you are looking forward to making love for the first time, or, the first time with this particular individual, please find comfort in knowing that with each new pairing, there will be a new Square One from which to start. If you have had previous relationships, call upon the knowledge gained and use it to help this new experience along. If you have no previous experience--no big deal. Because each relationship has a unique set of dynamics, it doesn't really matter in the overall scheme of things. In both situations, the important thing is to explore and learn together, discover what you like doing and discard or table those activities that you do not like (perhaps only for the time being).

As a Ballroom dance instructor I regularly encounter and tangle with many Fragile Male Egos. Guys new to dancing want to do it right and without embarrassment or stumbling or bumbling that in their viewpoint will make them look less than capable in the eyes of their partner. How unrealistic is this? Did you ride a bicycle perfectly the first few times you sat upon one?? As a pilot, it took concerted effort and plenty of practice to become proficient at breaking the bonds of earth and flying high with "no strings attached", so to speak. Skill and confidence came with practice. OK, fast forwarding a bit, I now have some experience and want to fly another make and model airplane, I'm here to tell you that for all the similarities between the two machines, there is a world of difference in how to handle each one. Get my drift?

Because making love is a partnership, it is the teamwork the two of you use that will give you the skills and experience and knowledge to make making love worthwhile, enjoyable, and more than satisfying. So what if something doesn't quite go off as planned once in a while. As dancers, my partner and I just roll with the punches, laugh off the faux pa, and dance on into the night. All this is serious stuff, but you shouldn't take it so seriously that there isn't some space for things to go off without a hitch occasionally. It is the quality of your relationship in general that matters and that will see you through any learning curve with this one aspect of it.

I regularly recommend that my new students attend dances not so much to "dance" but to "practice". Why the play on words? Because a guy will get the notion that to go to a dance means he is under the gun and must perform flawlessly, all the while knowing he can't and compounding the matter by worrying about it--or worse, not even trying once there. If he and his partner go to a dance for the practice, the mindset is totally different. He can go to a dance, "practice" his moves, work on his abilities and because they are "practicing" he is free to make mistakes and not be judged. It isn't that you stumble, it is how you dust yourself off and go on that she looks at as important. It is your attitude under fire and your character that will hold her interest in you.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say: Experienced or not--GO PRACTICE!


Next: It's not necessarily a guy thing:

If you are a guy who happens to be shy or uncertain about making the first move, know that this is OK. My suggestion is:

Please click on this link for Part 2.
Due to software limitations on word length, two address locations for Part 1, and the desire to make Part 2 easily accessible to both copies, the second part has been made a stand-alone thread.

[lustforlove]

i was really scared that my boyfriend would get scared when we first started having sex because i have had it once before and he was still a virgin, i may as well has been a virgin though because the first time i had had sex was a complete mistake with an utter moron and i just spent the entire time laid on my back whilst he did his thing, my current boyfriend did find it fairly intimidating to start with and thought that whatever he did i wouldnt be pleasured i calmed him down and told him exsactly what all my other experience was, that not being much and now we are bothe learning together we still have alot to learn but we are getting there

[7inches4u]

when i lost my virginity, the girl i was with was not a virgin, though we were in a serious relationship. ill be honest-it didnt go too well. i lasted about 2 minutes but she was great about it, and after another couple somewhat awkward encounters, we started having a solid sex life.
girls, keep in mind that us guys are just as nervous the first time as you. perhaps more so, because the performance anxiety factor is definitely a bigger factor for us. a couple of my friends couldn't even get it up when they went to do it the first time (so ive been told; im also told this is not uncommon). our first time, we feel the pressing need to be ron jeremy. also, if you're not a virgin and he is, he's going to feel pressure to measure up, which will make the performance anxiety worse.
guys, just relax. seriously. she's not expecting multiple mind-blowing orgasms from you the first time you have intercourse. be honest with her. its ok that she knows you're nervous. you will be pleasantly surprised, amazed even, at how understanding and supportive girls can be, especially if you're in a comitted relationship. i know my girl was. if you have issues the first few times, dont worry, its totally natural

[Paradox_Mc]

i was a vergin when i met my girlfriend she understood that and we took it slow but now im a horny rabbit, im still new to sex but with her i know i can take it at my pace without being ashamed if im doing it wrong, if i am she will tell me, i have made her orgasim a few times but i need to last longer, she said to masterbait earlyer in the day so when we go to bed i last much longer and it dose work

[Lioness]

i have had sex once before, and it didnt go well at all! Now im with a new partner whos a virgin. i'm worried he will be apperhensive because i have so called 'experiance' but the truth is i really dont. Just cause i have done it, doesnt mean i know anymore.
I think specially in mid teens (16-17) virginity is bliss.
cause then you can learn together.

[tim107]

Hi...
jhkhkhuuuu

[dancingdoc2]

How do you tell him what, that you are a virgin, that you are not? Either way, you do not have to tell him. The past is your past. If he happens to ask, be truthful.

[cyclefreak]

Well, the first time I had sex, it was with a woman who was far more experienced than I was, and I told her I was a virgin beforehand. The next time I had sex, it was with a different woman, and I didn't tell her that it was only my second time. She didn't notice that I was relatively inexperienced.

I think people make too much of this thing where one person has more experience than the other. Now that I'm experienced, if I was to have sex with a woman who told me she was a virgin, I think I'd be the one who'd be nervous. I'd be too concerned about doing everything right for her first time.

[notAproblem]

Well I was a virgin when i met my boyfriend. He was way more experience than me. I was scared at first b/c that is what every other guy I dated wanted and I wouldn't give in. But I finally gave in after several months. Were still together to this days and he wanted to marry me, he says. Anyhow, I still wonder if I am pleasing him he says I have been the best so far but I don't know what to believe. Hes says none of the other girls hes been when didn't mean ****, they were just there...After all hes my first and suposally I'm is last. In a guys opinion should I believe him or not?

[Ducy]

Ummm...well I mean it is tricky. A solid relationship is based upon trust, so you should trust him.

Then again, there is a slim chance that he is saying it so you wont be discouraged.