INTERCOURSE / ORGASMS / and the gentle art of Humping

[dancingdoc2]

The purpose of this Sticky post is to discuss how a man and woman can best achieve an orgasm during intercourse.

Guys Specifically-

I have become aware in recent months of a trend particularly among teen boys that seems to suggest a widespread misconception on how to reach and achieve a climax when engaging in intercourse. If the two of you are engaging in intercourse before you have been aroused to the brink of an orgasm then you are starting intercourse much too soon. The common misconception among many young guys posting to the forums is that the way to build arousal to the brink of an orgasm is from lots and Lots and LOTS and LOTS of stroking and thrusting. WRONG. If this is what you and your partner are doing, then delay intercourse and devote a lot more time to making out. Stroking should be used to maintain a pre-existing high level of arousal and Thrusting to peak it taking you beyond the point of no control bringing on a climax.

The Bases, 1st, 2nd, 3rd., Home-

A knowledgeable experienced couple certainly can and usually do make love (meaning making out in all of its various forms) for longer than half an hour, often going an hour or two or more, depending upon time, inclination, and, mood. Making out is key to making love.

Unless the two of you are interested in the proverbial "Quickie", please devote no less than half an hour to making out, especially for her benefit (and yours!). As a guy you should be on brink of a climax yet not so close that you loose control when you decide to move into position. You need to have sufficient control left so that moving into position will not trigger your climax.

Making out tends to be more effective the longer we do it, within reason. It is safe to say that women particularly require at least a half hour in order to get all reved up because of the way they are "wired". Of course, all this reving tremendously benefits the guy as well even though we can be good to go within minutes. Just because we can be does not mean that women can always be ready and this is a critical lesson that seems to have escaped many a young fella's sexual education. Therein lies the crux of this post.

Making Out-

We achieve this high state of arousal that brings us to the threshold of a climax, best and ideally, by making out--Necking, Petting, progressing to Heavy Petting, and eventually moving on to Foreplay--all of these steps being inclusive. This means that we move from one step to the next within each category and then revisit each of the previous caresses as we add the next caress, and so on and on. In otherwords, you begin at A, add B, add C, go back to A & B, add D, and so on.

Necking, Petting, and Heavy Petting are progressive as well as inclusive and should come before any Foreplay. When you begin Foreplay, then all these other things are simply included until a person's passion, excitement, arousal, anticipation, tension, are peaked.

For more complete information, please read the third chapter, below.

Wetness-

The appearance of vaginal wetness indicates arousal only and does not mean a woman is ready for an orgasm by whatever method. Similarly, the appearance of Precum on the tip of a penis indicates an initial state of arousal, only.

Intercourse-

Now that the two of you are on the verge of orgasms, intercourse can begin.
I believe it is proper etiquette to be invited inside, whether by Implied Consent or an actual invitation--verbal or non-verbal.

What I've said in the past is that if intercourse lasts much longer than about ten minutes, most women report that they become sore, bored, and tired. This being the case, work within this window. After climaxing, if the two of you desire, you can take a break for a few minutes and then enjoy one or more orgasms after awhile. Women have a unique advantage and can experience multiple orgasms within moments of the previous, and, can enjoy many more than guys. A guy's refractory period {down time) is usually between ten and thirty minutes depending upon age, drive, and how he's "wired". A couple will often use his down time to let her enjoy more orgasms while at the same time keeping his level or arousal fairly high. When he is good to go, again, his arousal can be peaked, and another orgasm enjoyed. The process can be repeated a total of two to four times, again, depending upon age, drive, and, "wiring"--and, how many times within a 24 hour period he has already climaxed. Simultaneous orgams can be timed to be shared or not as a couple desires.

Gals Specifically-

It is very important for you and your partner to know and understand that of all the sexual positions a couple can use, very few provide the constant ongoing contact required to generate the necessary friction to sufficiently stimulate the clitoris. This being the case, what a kind, compassionate, skilled, lover does is to reach around and finger the clitoris while stroking.

Moreover, please consider helping her to achieve an orgasm before and/or after intercourse if it is her wish. It's a good thing to do.

Four of the positions that do stimulate a woman very well are:
1. Woman Superior
in which the man reclines face up and the woman straddles him.
2. "X"
3. "Y"
in which the couple reclines on their sides facing each other. The difference between the two is in the position of the legs.
4. Missionary position in which the man rides high up permitting the woman's genitals to rub against the base of the penis and pubic mound.

The Nature of Orgasms-

A. Women can and often do complain that the clitoris has become too sensitive to touch immediately before having a climax. This is temporary and occurs from the release of a chemical in the brain. This hyper-sensitivity mimics pain although it is not really and will disappear after several minutes.
B. Stimulating the clitoris indirectly is the best approach once it has become too sensitive to touch directly. This can be done by caressing adjacent pieces-parts, and/or folding the inner labia over it and massaging the clitoris through them. In addition, do not forget about the shaft that is buried beneath the skin and between the folds of the upper vulva.
C. The area around the outside of the vaginal opening and just inside are rich with sensitive nerve endings. If you want to stimulate the vagina, concentrate your efforts here rather than going inside, during the initial and early stages of her arousal.
D. Even though the vaginal vault is devoid of sensual nerve endings, women do enjoy the sense of fullness that comes from having a penis inside.

Because the female orgasm is much more internalized than a man's I believe it is good etiquette and a necessary part of feedback to let him know in no uncertain terms when she has climaxed. Doing so keeps him from asking the age old question of "did you cum (yet)"? Feedback can be given verbally or non-verbally. Verbal feedback can be a word or a phrase or some other utterance the two of you work out to convey a specific meaning. The same goes for non-verbal communication that can be a squeeze of the hand or some other form of body language.

Here is a quote from Brandye that both parties should know:
"25% of all women never have orgasms; 50% of all women need some stimulation in addition to penile thrusting to achieve orgasm. That leaves one-quarter of us who regularly have orgasms as part of regular vaginal sex.

Though all of us are capable of multiple orgasms, only about ten percent of us regularly have multiple orgasms. Many of us, I have no numbers, choose not to have orgasms each time we have sex." Fellas, it is what it is. Please do not belittle or demean or harass her on this matter.

The End of the Beginning-

The information presented in this treatise is very important to a couple's overall success and satisfaction. Each partner should take his/her cues from the other as to what is pleasurable, what is needed now, or what not to do. Their wish is our command and our pleasure to see happen. Please keep in mind that making love is a partnership. It is not what one person does to the other; rather, what we do with and for each other. Each of us is responsible for our own orgasms. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve his/hers. Please avail yourself of this information to make them easier to attain and more enjoyable and rewarding each and every time.

[dancingdoc2]

Due to word length limitations by the forum's software, this chapter and those that follow have been posted separately.

G(rafenberg)-Spot-

Much has been written about this controversial "spot". You can do a GOOGLE search as well as read the links on the front page of this site for much more information. What follows is a synopsis.

* Trim your nails and discuss with her what you are about to do.
* The G-spot is located about 2" inside the vagina along the anterior {front) wall.
* It feels like a spongy area about the size of a quarter. It can also feel like a series
of ridges like a miniature washboard.
* Enlist her help in locating it and in providing feedback on how she is responding to your caresses.
* It is thought to share a common heritage with the Prostate gland

* Stimulating it is best accomplished when a woman is very highly aroused. Rub or massage it instead of trying to do something with it on a transitory hit and miss touch and go basis with the penis during stroking. The G-spot, like the Prostate, provides its greatest augmentation to an orgasm when it is massaged immediately prior to and perhaps during an orgasm.
* While the clitoris demands a light touch, the G-spot requires much firmer pressure.
* A specially designed vibrator works wonders; although do not over do its use.

* As with all orgasms by whatever means, as one is approached, do not change anything with regard to how she is being stimulated. In other words, if what you are doing is working, and she is getting closer to the trigger point, NEVER EVER stop, change tactics, change position. The rule here as any woman will tell you is to keep on keeping on doing what you are doing until the climax is triggered. Once it has, she may or may not want you to continue the stimulation. Until you learn otherwise, continue the stimulation right on through her climax.

+ Now, having just said, don't stop, there can be a time when you might want to tease her by pausing and letting her sense of urgency subside. Doing this once may be OK once in a while as long as you deliver in the end. It is the end that I am talking about. When the two of you have "primed" her arousal and are now working at triggering her climax--then do the NEVER EVER stuff.

It is important for each person in control to know his/her partner's responses to stimuli. For example, women often become frustrated and can sometimes loose a great deal of excitement if her partner puts a pause in the proceedings just prior to her achieving an orgasm. Do this more than once and she will not be a happy camper. So, what is good for the gander is not always good for the goose. A guy's ardor can be greatly increased if his partner pauses one or more times on the climb toward a climax, then starts again a few moments later. Rather than stopping her climb by pausing, consider modulating your stimulation so it does not stop, just relaxes a bit before intensifying a few seconds later. She should not loose any hard-fought ground this way. Understand that frustration can be maddening and neither of you want this.

I have to pee-

No, not likely, especially if the bladder has recently been emptied. Because the G-spot and urethra are in close proximity, it is possible that rubbing the one causes a false sensation of needing to pee. Just ignore the sensation and let go and continue the massage. In time this false signal will go away.

Not all women react when a massage is attempted. If you happen to be among those who enjoy this form of stimulation, you will find that it will greatly augment the sensations from other caresses going on at the same time and will help jump start an orgasm. Moreover, it is often possible to experience G-spot orgasms.

[dancingdoc2]

This chapter has to do with an important and critical aspect of romance that is seemingly being ignored or overlooked by many teens. Let's do some basic SexEd.

Making Out-

Back in the old days couples made out on the front porch swing, the hay loft or stack out back, the car seat, or out in a field. Because children w/could be ostracized by family, friends, and perhaps society in general, strict rules appled and it was rare for a couple to go all the way. What developed after the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s was a fine art for making out that in the vernacular was referred to as going around the "bases" or "making it to 1st./2nd./3rd. base" with a girl. The various stages were also known as:
* Necking
* Petting
* Heavy Petting
* Foreplay

Please keep in mind that making out used to and still should begin like it did in days past--in small albeit progressive steps.

NECKING--typically begins with kisses and caresses above the shoulders.
* stroking hair
* stroking the nape of the neck
* caressing cheeks, lips, ears
* Kissing

PETTING--moves these caresses to the upper body, arms, forearms, hands, fingers, palms, as well as the legs and feet, excluding the breasts and genitals.

HEAVY PETTING--incorporates the breasts and later the genitals in ever increasing levels of intimacy.

FOREPLAY--is the erotic stimulation of the entire body and specifically the erogenous zones immediately preceeding a climax either by hand and/or oral stimulation or more to the point--intercourse.

The steps should be all inclusive, meaning we move from A to B to C, revisit A, add D, revisit A & B, and so on and on. This also holds for each of the progressive stages. Foreplay {oral sex and/or hand jobs) should very much include all the kissing and caressing that has gone on before.

Getting Serious-

Before you ever (partially) undress, and before he begins to touch your genital area, you should be very aroused. This is accomplished by spending a lot of time to kissing and fondling and caressing and just making out. Devote no less than half an hour to necking and petting (more within reason if time permits) in order to get both of you very aroused. Do not rush to the finish line. There has been much mention of late about foreplay yet as important as this is, these activities come later, not sooner.

Why Make Out-

These physical activities have some benefits as well as being critically important for the sake of preparation. This is particularly important for women who require a slower more deliberate and liesurely pace toward Nirvana.

* gets your body physically prepared
* gets you in the mood, emotionally
* helps temper anxiety
* helps sidetrack inhibitions

The Erogenous Zones-

Consider letting him explore your breasts and later your genitals though your clothing before ever partially undressing. When you do begin to disrobe, take it in stages. As examples, let him begin caressing your breasts in passing while fully dressed. As you become more aroused, one or the other of you can unfasten your top or let him slip a hand from the bottom up or the top down if it is a pullover in order to fondle one or both through your bra--and perhaps slip a finger inside. Later, when comfortable with this level of intimacy, you can unfasten the bra and let it dangle. After dangling for as long as you need it to--remove it.

This same strategy works below the belt, also. Let him approach your genital area with passing caresses from the abdomen down to the pubic mound or from a thigh inward. He should not dally, just give fleeting grazes as his fingers move on to other areas. At some point (read: days or minutes into an event) he will want to linger around that area and caress it more. Let him when you are ready. If you are wearing a skirt or shorts that permit fingers to trace up a leg, then let these caresses become ever bolder over time. You most certainly do not have to part your legs or allow him to until you are comfortable with the idea and are physically and emotionally prepared by all that has come before.

When you are ready, let him explore your pubic area and later the crotch, through your panties. He won't feel much and you may or may not, either; yet what this is doing is building confidence, comfort, excitement, anticipation, and arousal--and in stages.

Talk to Me--

Communication is both important and key to a successful relationship. It is also important in the romantic aspect of a relationship. Talk to each other about your excitement, anticipation, expectations, apprehensions, and when you are able to put what makes you feel uneasy into words, tell him/her. This will become easier to do the more confidence you have in each other, your relationship, and with your self confidence and sometimes takes a few months to develop.

Boundaries--just how far can I go-

There is a modus operendi {M.O.) in love called "Implied Consent" that the two of you need to know about. It works like this: Women set the boundaries or limits as to how far a guy can go. We {guys) are free to move along the base line from here to there until she says or otherwise indicates that we have gone far enough. So, how do we know when we can go farther? "Implied Consent."

We just go to the previous boundary and when our advances are not stopped can conclude that that limit has been extended and we are free to explore and fool around until we reach her new limit and are again stopped. And, so it goes.

Implied Consent keeps us from forever wondering and from asking how far is too far or what is confortable. So, my recommendation is to start out and see how far around the "bases" you can go before she stops the proceedings. When she does, then you know the range you can work and be comfortable in. This does not mean that you cannot or should not approach her limit. You must test that limit in the future to see if she has extended it. So, go for it with confidence and "with all possible 'vigah'" as President JFK once said.

Please do not make an ass out of yourself by whining or complaining, or attempting to cajole her into going farther than she is comfortable with. Being a jerk, today, has a way of coming back to smite you later. When her level of trust in you and the relationship along with her self confidence and self esteem are bolstered sufficiently, you will be rewarded with a newly extended boundary. Rather than attempting to push the limits, you should be striving to work within those limits with an aim on pleasuring her to the fullest extent possible and making your lovemaking partnership and experience the best it can be for the two of you.

[sera300]

What a great post!

[HardNgood]

Doc you are "da bomb" and the way you share information is most excellent! It is truly appreciated! Thank you

[Newtolove]

that is splendid DOC it has everything from the beginning right up to well when we need ask no more. Thank you very much

[dancingdoc2]

Male and Female Curves-

Now I bet you are thinking I'm going to somehow discuss the female form in all its beauty and wonder; male muscle definition, washboard abs, stature, and the like, right? Wrong. The curves I want you to be thinking about are female and male sexual response curves. Here's why.

Understanding how each gender responds to sexual stimuli will help the two of you mesh better when it comes time for one or the other of you to plant the idea of making love in your partner's mind; making out, making love, perhaps repeating, and then later basking in the afterglow.

Anybody who has studied biology or physiology knows that males and females are remarkably similar with many of our body parts sharing common origins. For all our similarities, though, we think, act, and react, and behave very differently. When lumping all this together, I often refer to it in my replies as how we are "wired". I believe it was Sigmund Freud who once remarked "women...what is it that they want?" Just the other day a woman with whom I work stated: "Men, I'll never understand you." For the world's population to be something like 99% the same genetically, there are vast differences within that last number. What bothers me about this with regard to human interactions is why guys do not take the time or see the importantance in finding out what makes a member of the other gender "tick" and what is relevent and important from their perspective.

A typical case and point is in thinking that just because "I" can be ready for sex in a couple of minutes, so I guess can she. For those of you who have guessed this way up to now, I'm guessing that if you've managed to read through these chapters you now know this is not the way it is. Let's look at the male and female response curves.

As a reference, please visualize a bell shaped curve. The curve is so wide by so high, has a rounded top, and gently sloping leading and trailing sides. Now, let's look at how this is modified for the male of the species. Our curve is rather narrow in width and has a fairly sharp vertical leading edge and a gently sloping much wider trailing edge. The top of the curve is rather short and flat. The female response curve is much much wider and has a very wide gentle slope to the leading edge. The trailing edge of the curve is even much shallower than the leading edge.

If you want to plot this out in order to visualize them better, try this: Make the Base Line of the male curve three inches wide by let's say three inches high. The leading edge will extend from zero to 1/4 of an inch. The top of the curve and flat "plateau" will be about 1/4 inch wide. The trailing edge of the curve occupies the remaining width of the curve.

A plot for the female response curve might be something like this: The curve will have a base line of ten inches and a height of three inches. The leading edge might extend from zero to one inch; the initial Plateau portion of the curve 1/4"; and, the remaining distance of the curve is for the trailing edge.

NOTE: By way of a disclaimer, these measurements are arbitrary. I tried to find the book containing information on the human response curves and could not put my hands on it. Sufice it to say that while the numbers might not be accurate, the relationship between the two curves is what is important.

Now for the kicker. To understand how these two curves relate to the real world, just change the base line scale from inches to hours. We now have a visual comparison for the relative response times for male and female arousal. Even more telling is the trailing edge curves that equate to the refractory and afterglow periods of each gender. The typical male experiences euphoria and a sense of peace and well-being for just over an hour; whereas women can go through much of the day with similar feelings. WOW! How marvelous this must be. The importance of the leading and trailing edge curves must be appreciated by those of us born male.

Much of what we know as romance is psychological. If you want great sex, then begin with a good psychological plan, a plan that might begin in the morning or even a day or two before. Plant the seed of an idea in your partner's mind. Seduce her. Romance her, just don't jump her bones after getting horny. If you pay attention to the former, the latter will be much more rewarding. The points being, 1.) not to be superficial and cavelier with your love making. 2.) If your relationship is to have meaning as well as importance, put some time and effort into planning your next romantic adventure. Involve her mind by beginning with the seed of an idea and an expectation of what may transpire later. Nurture the seed during the intervening hours. Telephone her during the day just to say "hi", or "I'm thinking about you"--and nothing more. Write love notes hidden to be discovered later as she goes about her day.

Making love has as much to do with the mind as it has to do with the body. Please do not ignore or discount this fact--maximize it to become the lover that will keep her in love with you, desiring more of you and what you have learned about love and romance. Make love to each other's mind as expressed physically. I encourage the two of you to learn how to do both well.

The Finale and the Afterglow-
Once the physical aspects of making love are over, continue to work on the psychological by cudling and talking if appropriate. Hold each other, whisper sweat nothings, and allow both of you to come down somewhat from the high of your respective climaxes. The afterglow can be used to further bind your relationship. It's an important time and not a time to just turn over and go to sleep, at least not immediately.

[dancingdoc2]

So What?

The very nature of fooling around and venturing farther as you move around the proverbial "bases" is just how each of us becomes more and more comfortable with intimacy. Please understand that experience equates to knowledge, not skill. Regardless of experience, each time a new partnership is formed there is going to be a new Square One from which to begin. It is important that both parties know and understand these two factors.

People are different, what's more, people are wired differently and because of this may respond differently than someone else one or the other of you were with previously. Add to this that the two of you have individual likes, dislikes, preferences, quirks, moral values, beliefs, hangups, expectations, troubles with this or that as well as finding one or more activities much to your liking. Discovering these things, working through any problem areas, and learning to become proficient as a team are all unique to the two of you and have little bearing on past compatibility with someone else. You have a unique set of dynamics. Sex ain't just about plugging P into V. While this may be the common denominator, arriving at the solution often takes unique turns and twists that will be different than what was encountered with another partner.

I've said this time and again and it is worth repeating:
Communication is key to a successful relationship and this includes the romantic and sexual aspects, also. Talk to each other and work together, keeping in mind these two facts; first, that being in love and making love are not things we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other; second, that experience equates to knowledge, not skill. In the beginning, and as you become used to each other and develop a synergy, there will likely be some rough spots and sex may or may not come off as you hope for. This is common for most couples. My recommendation is to get over your wish for everything to be perfect and concentrate on making it worthwhile. Work on the connection between the two of you and not so much on mechanical perfection. That will come. Explore and learn together. Find comfort in the similarities; find enjoyment in the new and unknown.

It is not uncommon for a man or woman to be shy about their body and timid with regard to what it is they would like their partner to do. A person with little experience and insight into what two people can do, can be hard pressed for a response, possibly becoming nervous at the thought of having to come up with an idea. If this happens, it is OK! There is no cause for alarm or thinking you're being put on the spot with no escape. If asked, and having no answer, simply suggest to your partner that you explore different things together. If you have heard or read about this or that and it sounds interesting, then suggest it; otherwise, explore the unknown. Some activities may require having a discussion at a time when the two of you are not planning on being intimate right then. The rest of the time, just try this or that, see how it goes over, and go from there. You may not like something immediately yet warm up to it later; you may find you enjoy a particular caress and want to do it often. Much of the love making scripting that couples do develop over time and with having developed a comfort level with themselves, their partner, and in the relationship.

Compromise may be necessary once in a while. One or the other may like a particular form of caress or activity and the other partner may not be as enthusiastic. If this happens the two of you should discuss the importance of the activity and how often it should be incorporated into your lovemaking. "Negotiation" is defined as giving the other person as much of what they want without giving up what you want.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say: I know it is a guy thing to want to be perfect, to have your first time go off without a hitch, to hide from your partner your lack of experience and possibly expertise, as well as other factors your Fragile Male Ego may become focused and hung up on. Making love is the physical expression and confirmation of a strong emotional bond. If your emotional connection with each other is strong, if she trusts and admires your leadership (or at the very least your potential ability) in other areas then these qualities are what will carry you through the rough spots, be they the awkwardness of those first sexual encounters, or, other very real problems and stresses you encounter in everyday life.

So, whether you are looking forward to making love for the first time, or, the first time with this particular individual, please find comfort in knowing that with each new pairing, there will be a new Square One from which to start. If you have had previous relationships, call upon the knowledge gained and use it to help this new experience along. If you have no previous experience--no big deal. Because each relationship has a unique set of dynamics, it doesn't really matter in the overall scheme of things. In both situations, the important thing is to explore and learn together, discover what you like doing and discard or table those activities that you do not like (perhaps only for the time being).

As a Ballroom dance instructor I regularly encounter and tangle with many Fragile Male Egos. Guys new to dancing want to do it right and without embarrassment or stumbling or bumbling that in their viewpoint will make them look less than capable in the eyes of their partner. How unrealistic is this? Did you ride a bicycle perfectly the first few times you sat upon one?? As a pilot, it took concerted effort and plenty of practice to become proficient at breaking the bonds of earth and flying high with "no strings attached", so to speak. Skill and confidence came with practice. OK, fast forwarding a bit, I now have some experience and want to fly another make and model airplane, I'm here to tell you that for all the similarities between the two machines, there is a world of difference in how to handle each one. Get my drift?

Because making love is a partnership, it is the teamwork the two of you use that will give you the skills and experience and knowledge to make making love worthwhile, enjoyable, and more than satisfying. So what if something doesn't quite go off as planned once in a while. As dancers, my partner and I just roll with the punches, laugh off the faux pa, and dance on into the night. All this is serious stuff, but you shouldn't take it so seriously that there isn't some space for things to go off without a hitch occassionally. It is the quality of your relationship in general that matters and that will see you through any learning curve with this one aspect of it.

I regularly recommend that my new students attend dances not so much to "dance" but to "practice". Why the play on words? Because a guy will get the notion that to go to a dance means he is under the gun and must perform flawlessly, all the while knowing he can't and compounding the matter by worrying about it--or worse, not even trying once there. If he and his partner go to a dance for the practice, the mindset is totally different. He can go to a dance, "practice" his moves, work on his abilities and because they are "practicing" he is free to make mistakes and not be judged. It isn't that you stumble, it is how you dust yourself off and go on that she looks at as important. It is your attitude under fire and your character that will hold her interest in you.

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say: Experienced or not--GO PRACTICE!

[yuna5]

Thanks Doc. Gave me just the idea i needed!

[CharlieEnglish]

lots of helpfull stuff right there