Ready for sex

[sweetie1987]

ok well ill first proceed with a lil introduction. i'm 16, and i have been with my boyfriend (17) for 7 months. he has been ready to have sex for several months now and i never understood why, but i never felt the same. even tho we have a very trusting and stable relationship, and he is the only person i feel comfortable with, and i know that we both love each other very much, and we're both mature enough to handle the responsibilities, etc etc and all that good stuff, i never felt ready for sex. i even took checklist after checklist and they all said i was ready.

my excuses for not wanting sex was that i felt too young and therefore felt "slutty," it is worth better when u wait longer than just a few months, we had not been going out for a year (don't ask me why this is so important to me), and i was afraid the first tiem wouldn't be perfect. things that TRUELY matter, such as unwanted pregnancy and trusting your partner, i had no problems with. it were the little things that made me hesitant. and besides these excuses there was just the fear of the unknown, that something bad would happen and i would regret having sex.

but today i took a quiz called "are you ready for sex" and i have no idea why this one stood out from the others, but all of the ?'s applied to me. and i had the mother of all epiphanies...i am ready for sex. there is no reason for me not to have it. i agree that it's important to maybe savor the relationship and wait longer, and to be in the relationship for maybe a year or more, before having sex. but it hit me that if i am absolutely POSITIVE that i'm going to lose my virginity to this guy and there's no doubt in my mind, what the hell is the point of waiting? so i can say i was 110% sure instead of 100%? it just doesn't apply to me. feeling slutty is even more ludacris. the only reason i should feel that way is if i were sleeping around or, at the extreme, having sex when i really didn't love the person. the perfection thing i've been obsessed with for quite some time. i want my first time to be a bed of roses and a candlelit room with barry white playing in the background. but then something else also hit me...WHO CARES? i mean of course i do want some romance for my first time, but i don't live in a movie all that really matters is who it is with, not what it looks like.

so in conclusion, today i have basically made up my mind to have sex in the near future, probably within a couple of months. the only things stopping me are just the formalities, like how i'm going to see a gynocologist and get birth control pills, where we're gonna be able to have it (and keep having it), and loosening me up a bit so it doesn't really hurt. but actually FEELING ready has already been taken care of, and i didn't even work at it haha. BUT there is a point to this..i wanted to know what everyone else thinks and if i really am mature enough for sex. maybe give me a mini checklist of their own of the crucial factors of readiness? it would be much appreciated.

[Jesus_has_a_cat]

2 be honest i am lazy and i only read the first few lines of you essay like msg. i have 2 things 2 say: good luck and have fun!

[vagabondprince]

Alrighty, I'm just gonna throw my two cents in. About being mature enough, from your post it sounds like you have covered pretty much all the bases in mentally preparing yourself to have sex. One thing i wanted to assure you on is that you definitely couldn't be considered a slut or anything like that considering you're in a relationship. Some people might think 16 is a rather young age to begin having sex, but many many others believe age doesn't matter as long as you're ready.

Another thing i wanted to touch on was considering the consequences again. From the way your post sounded, you have done plenty of this, but you do need to remember that any birth control is only 99% guaranteed, which means there is still a tiny chance that it might not work. Once you've thought about all that again, as far as i can tell you're absolutely ready to have sex.

[ductapefaerie]

I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through, as I'm in a very very similar situation (we've been together for nearly two years...everything else is pretty much the same)...what I didn't see in your post is that you've talked to him about it. Whenever I talk to my bf about a serious topic, or something I deem serious, it takes me a bit to work up the courage to talk to him...but when I do, it's absolutely worth it because he is very understanding and supportive. We're very open and talk about almost everything! I would suggest, if you haven't already, talking with him. Sometimes you think you're ready, but after talking about it, you realize you aren't...or something like that...>shrugs< I don't know...just a thought...cause communication is a really good thing...anyway...good luck!

--Fae

[WallyLlama]

Okay, I have to be the devil's advocate, so to speak.

Yes, you do sound mature, but at the same time 16 is not exactly ancient and you still have many life and relationship experiences ahead of you.

Part of the tone of your post sounds a bit like you're talking yourself into this. There are several things interesting:

One, you say very little about your bf... his perspective, how he thinks and feels other than he's "ready." I hope you're sure you're not being talked into it.

Two, you haven't given much in the way of reasons to do it. You've eliminated the most common reasons for waiting, but have you truly identified why you want to do it? It sounds more like "might as well, it's gonna happen anyway."

Lastly, I'd say if you're 110% convinced you've made the right decision, why did you post the question.

I'm not trying to be negative, just some things to consider while you're handling "the formalities."

[Zool]

In addition to Wally's points i'd like to add some things.

This really shouldn't be 'planned'. I like you felt that things should happen at the right time and one doubts are dealt with, but you shouldn't consciously be going through all this.

You should just let it happen when you feel right, not try and set a date because you feel you are feeling right.


Also, you say you want your first time to be perfect.

I think i will get pretty much unanimous support in saying your first time, or more accurately your first few times, are not going to be mind-blowing. Good sex takes time. You need to learn what each of you like doing, which can only come through experience and communication.

[sweetie1987]

to ductapefaerie, i guess i didn't make that too clear. we have talked about this many many times and we are very open with each other when it comes to our feelings on the subject of sex.

to wallyllama, my boyfriend has nothing to do with me wanting to have sex. he has never pressured me once to do it and this is completely my decision. although he has tried to make me feel more ready and more comfortable it is only because i asked him to. 2, i guess i didn't make that clear either what my reasons FOR having sex are. well, because i love him and because i want to express it by making love to him and i know he feels the same. 3, that is partially true i guess. but i do know now that i'm ready and this is a sure thing (other times i thought i was ready but i realized eventually that i wasn't) and i guess the only reason i posted this was to get a second opinion and an outside view on if i should be having sex. i might feel ready, but maybe someone else might disagree on my maturity for it? thats pretty much why i posted in here.

to zool, yeah i guess it should come more naturally but it's just my nature to plan everything out (i'm a perfectionist).

[experimenter]

From one perfectionist to another, don't plan....FEEL. The first time will never be perfect, that's just life. It will never feel as good as the 30th time or whatever. If you are sure you are ready to have sex, relax, and stop thinking.

I will add one thing that may be deemed negative. Be absolutely sure that this is what you want. I have seen several friends of mine decide that they are ready to have sex with their boyfriends (saying how much they love each other) only to break up with the guy 2 months later and end up bitterly regreting their decisions.

[Tomi]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ Aug. 18 2004,12:12)]Two, you haven't given much in the way of reasons to do it. You've eliminated the most common reasons for waiting, but have you truly identified why you want to do it? It sounds more like "might as well, it's gonna happen anyway."

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (sweetie1987 @ Aug. 18 2004,20:39)]2, i guess i didn't make that clear either what my reasons FOR having sex are. well, because i love him and because i want to express it by making love to him and i know he feels the same.

Hmmm, so you are basically doing this for your boyfriend? When two people (who are already in love) share their bodies, they do emphasize their love, but I think you should also have sex becouse of yourself, that is, for your pleasure/joy... (Don't get me wrong, sex is also about pleasing your beloved partner, but not only that. You should give AND receive pleasure.)

[sweetie1987]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Tomi @ Aug. 19 2004,04:04)]

Hmmm, so you are basically doing this for your boyfriend? When two people (who are already in love) share their bodies, they do emphasize their love, but I think you should also have sex becouse of yourself, that is, for your pleasure/joy... (Don't get me wrong, sex is also about pleasing your beloved partner, but not only that. You should give AND receive pleasure.)

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ Aug. 18 2004,12:12)]Two, you haven't given much in the way of reasons to do it. You've eliminated the most common reasons for waiting, but have you truly identified why you want to do it? It sounds more like "might as well, it's gonna happen anyway."

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (sweetie1987 @ Aug. 18 2004,20:39)]2, i guess i didn't make that clear either what my reasons FOR having sex are. well, because i love him and because i want to express it by making love to him and i know he feels the same.

Hmmm, so you are basically doing this for your boyfriend? When two people (who are already in love) share their bodies, they do emphasize their love, but I think you should also have sex becouse of yourself, that is, for your pleasure/joy... (Don't get me wrong, sex is also about pleasing your beloved partner, but not only that. You should give AND receive pleasure.)

ok u misunderstood me again lol. he has NOTHING to do with my decision. i'm doing it because it will be enjoyable for me and i know it will make me happy. and i also wanna feel closer and more intimate with him. trust me if he had anything to do with my decision i would have sex already.