23 year old virgin

[Norinco]

well this is my first post on here.
now i don't know if i'm just venting or asking for help or what but i thought i'd see what you think of my peculiar problem.
i'm 23 years old and i've never had sex. yep i'm a 23 year old virgin. odd typing that because nobody who knows me knows that, but i figure it's ok to admit that because no one on here knows who i am.
now before you all respond with the usual "there is no shame in being a virgin at 23" comments, allow me to elaborate. true there is no shame in being a 23 year old virgin IF THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. my choice is NOT to be and yet here i am anyway. an extremly unwilling virgin at 23 is a bit strange. and before someone says "it's sweet you are holding out for the right girl" as far as i'm concerned, my "right girl" is any girl who acknowledges my existence at this point. and none do. additionally i've never had a girlfriend and only been on one date in my life (which ended badly when the girl accidentily sliced her finger open on a combat knife and bled everywhere and started crying...long story)
i personally feel i am a reasonably attractive guy, and others have told me as much, still nothing. plus i'm a college grad, with no police record and i'm not on crack or something ....what gives?
thanks to my incredibly lame night job i'm working during peak "singles hours" and my nights off are during the middle of the week. (and who wants to go out on a wednesday night?!)
so i have very little social interaction with people my own age beyond cashiers and bank tellers. and i've found i get along VERY poorly with other guys my own age (i blame my latent jealousy of thier "normal" lives and pretty girlfriends). i don't go to bars or dances, i guess i feel very socially awkward so i have problems just making friends. not that i'm worried about getting regular "friends" at this point.
i'm horribly shy around women, i have no idea what to say, which doesn't matter because many of them seem downright snobbish or unfriendly toward me for some reason i don't understand. out of the three women i've asked out, i got chuckled at by one , backhandedly shot down by another....and you've already heard the story of girl number 3. whom i went out with 13 months ago. the last date i've been on. there is one other girl right now that i have a huge crush on but can't find at the moment, but i think about her constantly, which is wierd because even though she is hot, she is whiny, untrustworthy, and conniving - we cheated on our ethics class exams together in college though so maybe we are a perfect match....she's one of the few women i've ever felt comfortable with, and maybe felt like i had a chance with. ( long story about the two of us, some history here)

not having sex at 23 is bad, not being to get a date at 23 is painful. but i'm getting very antsy about the prospect of being an unwilling 24 year old virgin, then an unwilling 25 year old virgin and so forth.
so that's my spiel. i guess i should go if i want to catch that repeat of "dharma and greg", after all it is my night off. (man i'm pathetic)

[thetease13]

well, i'm not sure what you're asking help for...but you're not weird by my terms.

i'm 23...female for that matter.
i lost my virginity at 22...a month shy of being 23 (turned 23 in january).
to this day (including my current relationship) i have still never had a boyfriend. *i do not consider who i'm with now to be my boyfriend. *if i have to classify him as anything (which I hate to do) he is a friend with benefits.
i have never been on a date (unless you include the "date" with psycho boy, but lets not go there).
i did not get a real kiss until feb of this year (yes, i did everything backwards). *i refuse to count a forced kiss a couple years ago as my first kiss and i do not count the random pecks i gave my guy last year as a real kiss.

was i a proud 22 year old virgin? *you bet. *i was a rare breed.
was i really that by choice? *not so much. *every year since i was like 19 or 20 i made this little thing where i said i was gonna lose my virginity before i turned the next age. *that obviously didn't happen.

i'm a nice girl. *lots of people consider me "cute". *i like to make people laugh, that's usually how i attract people. *i'm nobody but myself and people also find that attractive. *so really, all in all, i don't have much of a problem attracting people. *the problem however is that the people i attract are pretty much psychotic stalkery weirdos.

so, you tell me what my problem is with guys, and you'll answer your question as to why you can't really attract girls.

however, i don't think you should just go out and lose it for the hell of it. *i don't think you should wait for the "right girl" so to speak, *i think you should wait for someone you trust. *is my guy the "right guy"? *hell no...but he is someone i trust very dearly. *i trusted him back then and i trust him even more now.

part of my problem was i was looking for it all. *i was looking for someone constantly. *when i stopped looking, someone found me. *i at first took it all as joke. *we were both sitting there and i was just babbling about..something..possibly how i've never had a boyfriend. *i'm not really sure. *and he mentioned that he found me attractive. *i laughed it off and said whatever and he said he was serious, he found me very attractive. *that was a year ago yesterday..the 26th.

i, like you, was very shy around guys....and anytime they would compliment me, i did exactly what i did to him..shrug it off and laugh it off. *i was not used to the treatment. people, including my family, was never much of a "big supporter" of mine and compliments and support were not something that ever really came my way. he was the only one to pursue it and that's what changed it all for me.

so, i guess my advice to you, stop looking for it.
the more you look for it, the more you over analyze people (not that the people who liked me weren't psychotic stalkery weirdos but that's not the point) and the more you turn people away.
take a deep breath and step back for a while. *you never know what's gonna happen.

and thank you for reading my long novel. *lol.

[Xaj]

You are not weird. You are a human being, just like all of us, and fears and preassumptions get in the way of logical decisions.

Do not try to conform to society's crazy ways. Be yourself. If you want a woman, go after her! Make your feelings known. Do not hide under a rock and wait to be found. I am much younger than you are (16), but up till the beginning of this year, I was the shyest kid around. I personally found it painful that I did not have a girlfriend, and my situation was similar to yours in many ways. The only difference is that I did not have a problem with guys my age (and the sex thing, which I still don't care about, that will come in the future when the time is right).

I was lucky, because that all changed when I met the coolest girl around, and I made it my mission to change my ways. I forced myself to lose my fear of socializing. I forced myself to speak up when I could not even think of the words. I forced myself to be a more outgoing person, a more friendly person. In the end, I was triumphant. I changed for the better, but only because I chose to do so. THere were many times when I fell face down, many embarising situations, but its from these mistakes that we all learn and gain experience. I survived the journey and I am now a different person, and I enjoyed it every step of the way. It took many months, but I changed. I also got the girl and am still with her!

You can learn so much by watching people around you. You should try that.

Trust me, everything happens for a reason. Things always work out the way they are supposed to, and you will have your day of triumph.

Also, can't you consider another job? One that does not require you to work during "single hours"?

Take care, and best of luck to you!

[oberon]

*oberon's still chuckling over the irony of cheating on an ethics exam...*

Okay, my advice is you need to be more pro-active. *You work crummy hours... so, find something to do on the hours you have off. *You don't have to go to a bar. *Try some sort of social group. *Join some charity organization (at least if this one doesn't work, you'll have helped people...lol). *Take a class (cooking, art, literature, etc.). *Anything where you'll meet people. *

If you do meet someone you like, do something about it. *Ask her to dinner. *To a movie. *If she says no, move on to the next one. *If you want to date (and eventually have sex) you have to try. *No one likes rejection, but it's a part of life. *Don't let it get to you... just keep trying. *

You sound like a good guy and I'm sure someone will see that. *You just have to put yourself out there and let them.

Oh, and I like "Dharma and Greg", too.

One last thing, next date... LEAVE THE COMBAT KNIFE AT HOME... it's not really a dating accessory.

Good luck and have fun.

[Norinco]

thanks for the uplifting advice. we'll see what happens. these days i'm more worried about getting a date to go see "alien vs. predator" then i am about getting laid per se.
i haven't been to a movie in months (i refuse to go alone)

[runeblade]

Hmm where do you live? I live in Baton Rouge and it doesnt matter what day it is (not including sunday) people go to bars. But if you are still having trouble why not try learning guitar? It may seem shallow but i hear some girls will have sex with you just cause you play guitar. Idk for sure though. I just had it for the first time with my gf. I am 19 and she could careless if I play guitar, which I do. \m/

[lilly2279]

Well, are you against trying a dating website? That may be the best thing for you, at this point. I know people usually have big problems about these, but there are a few reasons why this is a good deal for you.

You get to see a bunch of different girls. You can talk to them via e-mail. So you can plan what you will say. You can read their e-mails anytime you want. So getting home late/early will not affect that. You can let them know about your strange hours and your wednesday date night. You can slowly graduate to talking on the phone, then eventually meeting in person in a public place.

Just thought it may help. I've met people off of those sites before. I obviously won't recommend any since I don't want to seem like an advertiser, but we've all seen a zillion of them. I could recommend some that I think are pretty legit, if you like. Trust me, they are not so bad. I've made a lot of friends off of them, actually, even though things didn't work out with any of them and ended up meeting a guy at work.

[Norinco]

yeah i have tried online dating, several actually, and so far my opnion is - they are crap. i tended to not get any response to most of my attempts to contact women on those sites. i guess my profiles were not too appealing.....striking out on the internet....another blow to the ol' self esteem.

the girl who maimed herself with the knife mentioned above initially started as an internet meeting. we actually planned to go out again even after the "incident" because she wasn't really mad at me, and insisted it was her fault she got hurt (which is true...it was her fault, though at the time i disagreed to be polite)
she was a nice enough girl i suppose. but she was a little wierd. we talked a few times after that, but we never saw each other again and i guess technically i dumped her via an e-mail because i could see things were going nowhere.

[gideon]

ok just wanted to add my 2 cents to this....

I was a virgin til i was 25...yes 25, and that was only three months ago that it happened. I wasn't particularly proud of that fact, in fact many of my friends thought I wasn't. I talked the talk but never walked the walk. Like you I wasn't all that good at dating...half the guys who asked me out were creeps and I could never get the nerve to ask a guy out. Oh by the way I also work the graveyard shift, and incidently that 's how I met Brandon...my friend with benefits He works graveyard also at another hotel where he does security. Maybe you should try meeting other people who work the same shift as you do. Its not that hard, I'm sure they are just as bored as I was...not much happens in the wee hours of the morning. I talk with half the night shift in my area while at work and later on we hang out...after sleeping in of course

[eDJ]

LOL, I was a late bloomer too Norinco. As you can see there are several here who were. It sounds like you have the right attitude about everything though. As a guy.....loosing your virginity isn't that world shaking of an event. I mean you may
think, "is that all there is"...as I did. It may be different getting ones hyman ruptured and being penetrated in a tight
dry sensitive place and being wrought with anxiety about it all.

A guy is hard as steel when it happens and not likely to bleed from it or feel pain so much.

The advantage to the guys who wait....they have had longer to masturbate.(everyone does...and says they don't) Thus you have more understanding of your bodily signals and what it feels like just before you cum. In short....you've trained longer. You will have a little more confidence with what you bring to the bed. It does make a difference. What you will learn with experience with her is how not to slip out all the time, how to put it where it goes corectly, how to make it right for both of you when doing it and that kind of stuff.

I felt more like I had lost my virginity when she stood outside the pharmacy and made me go buy rubbers, or with the first blow job she gave me than penetrating her. Although it was a beautiful experience(she didn't wish for me to wear protection the first time as she wanted it totally natural) she was concerned that I let her know if I was going to cum. She was charmed that I had the control I had and could go like I did without a premature ejaculation. It ment a lot to her that I could pull out before cumming and had the self control to make it last for her pleasure.

....And lastly, Wensday night is a great time to go out and meet girls. It is mid week and most are hunting for Mr FridayNight and SaturdayNight. The big date nights. Still there
are lots of girls who work all kind of shifts and days too just like you. Mid week days can be nice times too if you make it that way. Many people like the see and be seen of downtown
Saturday Night but I never felt it to be that big an issue. There are girls who work night jobs too and afternoon jobs and you could find some time together any day of the week if you decided to. I used to date a phone opperator who worked crazy hours and talk about an unspoiled girl who was glad to get together anytime we could......

I've worked straight days with weekends off, but my all time favorite was an afternoon shift with friday and saturday off.
I didn't have to be back to work till Sunday at 3pm and got off at 11pm Thursday. I could go out and hook up after 11pm
every night if I wanted to and have one week day off to get to businesses that were closed on weekends. The weekend is about over by Sunday 3pm anyhow.

eDJ