I hate to feel like I'm writing a novel..

[Chryseis]

But I'm writing a novel. I have two problems. Or maybe, when it boils down, only one. I'm definitely searching for some advice, but it also helps just to "think out loud."

First of all, I'm not ready to introduce sex into a relationship. I know this, I'm comfortable with this, no problem. I'm not interested in dealing with birth control, I'm not interested in stressing over diseases, I'm not interested in sneaking around my parents, and I have no one whom I am interested in in that way. But that doesn't mean that I'm not interested, if you catch my meaning.

I've found my way around all of this through the wonderful world of chatrooms. With the right person, it's amazing erotic stimulation for the brain. I find that it can be really satisfying. I play primarily with one friend, who is really excellent. But he finds it very erotic to know what is going on with me in real life, and he always wants to know when I finally come.

The problem is that it has never happened. Not once. Ever. In my entire life.

On my own, I've browsed through every page that gives tips on masturbation, I've looked through forums, nothing seems to work. And while I know that focusing on trying to reach orgasm makes it more unlikely that I will and I try to relax, and even without orgasm it is still very pleasant, after all this time I'm a little frustrated. Okay, more than a little frustrated.

I have two theories about this. One is that I used to masturbate really hard, and it's really embarassing to admit, but I wonder if that desensitized me? But if that's the case, why wasn't it working in the beginning? I really liked it. The other is that my hymen is still intact and I'm sort of saving it, so I never put anything inside myself, and maybe I'm just a person who needs that kind of stimulation?

As for him, I hate to end up in the predicament of faking orgasms, even while online! On the other hand, I don't want to disapoint him, nor do I want him to think that it is somehow his fault in that he isn't performing. He IS. He's pretty amazing. But I know that he reads way too much into everything. It would be a huge blow to his self esteem if I told him it had never happened, and it really shouldn't be.

He knows that its difficult, but not that its impossible. I suppose what I'll try is telling him that when he puts so much emphasis on the orgasm, it makes things more difficult, and so could he please stop asking about it.

If it makes any difference, I'm 18.

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Talking about it is a big step for me.

[WallyLlama]

I'm not sure it's a novel... but it is one of the best written explanations of a situation I've seen on these boards! You've thought things out, given a thorough explanation, and made things quite clear!

Unfortunately, that doesn't (as you well know) make it any easier to "solve" the problem.

As a closet chatroom/messenger nut, I can relate to how your partner feels. I'm not a big fan of "one-sided" cyber sex. I don't, however, define "one-sided" by orgasm. Actually, that's true of any sex, really. It's about pleasure.

He might feel that it's one sided (he gets all the benefit) if you don't orgasm. But when he "demands" you have an orgasm or it won't be good for him... well, I think that's even more one-sided. (I'm not trying to make him bad, just trying to explain my point.) An important part of maturing is the recognition that one's self-esteem isn't dependant on someone else's behavior!

Of course how you get him to see that is another matter. In my simple manner, I'd say if you tell him how much pleasure you're getting and that you're satisfied, he needs to learn to accept that and not making orgasm a requirement.

To the, um, larger issue... I doubt that you've "desensitized" yourself... there could be something to be said for the theory that insertion will help you orgasm.

But if you are satisfied with remaining a virgin (congratulations!) there's no reason you can't be satisfied NOT having an orgasm. I suspect one will "sneak up on you" one day, when you're ready. Enjoy what you enjoy.

Being 18 has absolutely nothing to do with it, because you are wise beyond your years.

Wally

PS I had some of my wildest and "best" sex with a woman who claimed she never orgasmed and didn't need to. Want details? LOL

[Chryseis]

Thanks very much.

While I can know on a rational level that it's probably perfectly normal, it's nearly impossible to avoid subconscious panic about this sort of thing. It helps to hear from an actual person that I'm fine, and even more to know that there's another woman out there who doesn't need to orgasm!

On a complete tangent, Wally is my favorite name ever, for reasons that can never be adequately explained.

[thetease13]

i just wanted to talk about your mention of your hymen.

even though you've never inserted anything down there, odds are your hymen isn't in tact. it can be torn a number of ways early in life.

and on that related note: yes you could possibly be one of those women who can receive great pleasure by vaginal intercourse or by inserting a sex toy (granted, there's only one way you're going to find out, but still.). be proud of that...since many women can't reach orgasm by that. most women need clit stimulation in order to receive pleasure or reach orgasm.

[Chryseis]

Maybe not. It seems as if it should be. I've never used tampons or anything, because they hurt like hell, but I've heard that exercise and sports could do it. Also, I imagine visiting the gyno, with all those odd tools, might be included under things that could erode it..

It's always been something of a fantasy to give it to someone, so I've tried to be very careful. On the other hand, if it's gone, it's gone, and I don't much care to waste so much effort sneaking around something that isn't there.

Is there any way to tell without visiting a doctor? Probably not, seeing as the internet, usually so overflowing with (sometimes questionable) information isn't offering anything related at first glance. Just thought I'd check.

[thetease13]

yea well i always thought mine was intact too...but during my first time, he had no trouble inserting at all. halfway is where the problem started to arise for me and your hymen is on the outside of the vagina, not the inside.

and since it seems as though not having your hymen intact brought you down a little bit, don't worry about it. you're still a virgin, regardless of whether or not your hymen is still there.

be proud of who you are. most people by 18 would have done lost their virginity.

as for being able to tell if the hymen is still there...well, i think you can, if you can bend in enough positions. lol. you can actually see the hymen as far as i know, since again, it is on the outside and not on the inside as many people think.

[Chryseis]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]and since it seems as though not having your hymen intact brought you down a little bit, don't worry about it. *you're still a virgin, regardless of whether or not your hymen is still there.

It did bring me down a bit, but not because I'm worried about not being a virgin.

The next time I see the gynecologist, I'll ask about it. Hell, maybe I'll even bring it up to my mom. She's a nurse midwife.

Thanks again.

[WallyLlama]

I think I understand... the heart and the head are two distinct parts of the body and they don't always communicate well with each other. I do think feelings are largely based on thoughts... and I think your reply demonstrates the fact that controlling how we think dramatically affects how we feel.

As for the "Wally" thing... some things are better left unanalyzed and simply enjoyed.

Wally

[Chryseis]

Update: Asked. Checked. Still there.

Also, I talked to him, but I'm still unsure about how well it went over. I think maybe he wants to be okay with it but still needs some time to unlearn the idea that orgasms are everything. I have very mixed feelings about how it went. Time will tell.

[WallyLlama]

I'm so happy for you and your hymen! (That may be a very poor attempt at humor, but there's a deep thread of sincerity in it, too.)

I also find myself wondering if there could be - at some subconcious level - a connection between your commitment to remain a virgin and the lack of orgasm. But I'd also quickly add, if you're happy and content, there's no need to worry about it, eh? Like I said in a previous post, some things are better left unanalyzed.

Congratulations on your conversation with him, also. Since we're talking about cyber... one additional idea to consider. He may enjoy the intensity that accompanies a woman's orgasm (I know I do! LOL). Cybering can also be about role playing...

You (both, so it's honest) might agree to a "faked" orgasm just for effect... sorta like a porn film with you as the stars and you're screaming...

I can help with the script. LOL

Stay on the board, Chriseis. I think you have a lot to offer.

Besides, you like my name.

Wally