Guy who can't cum

[thewonderyear]

Well, I figured I'd throw my predicament anonymously online in the hopes that someone can untangle this mess. I'm 19, and for all intensive purposes a virgin. Last night, I was with a girl with whom I have a very intense emotional attachment with...and she was giving me a blow job, but I never even came close to coming, although I was certainly aroused. The other times that I have had sex/blow jobs, I didn't come either (hence, my stating I'm pretty much a virgin). Now, there are a few complications to this. First, I haven't masturbated basically ever. The only reason I know that I'm not ejaculately delayed is that I do have wet dreams (and if I'm mistaken, I would like to know), and the last time I made myself come under my own volition was probably when I was 13. Second, during my pubescent years, I never really took the time to "discover myself"- mainly from parental screaming during younger experimentation as well as the fact that I despised my father, who constantly looked at porn- thus porn is really not all that entrancing because I associate it with that. I'm also a very nervous person- I have constant shaking issues, which I have always been told is genetic, although I'm starting to doubt as such. Because of this, as well as my current situation (in a competitive, jock-happy university, with me being a sensitive musician), I also have trouble relaxing, which doesn't help. I also tend to have really emotionally intense relations with girls- I'm one of those people who has 3 35-year-old dead serious contingency plans. I just want to be able to please myself and them, for I know I have the capability to do so, and do so beautifully- lend my intense emotions for this girl sexually. I'm just looking for some assistance to get me to this stage- I have my plans (I'm finally teaching myself about myself, trying to discover my erogenous zones, finding ways to masturbate etc.), but I would appreciate any advice anyone has. Thanks.

[oberon]

Well, first, you are really going to have to work on being relaxed; sex is much harder- no pun intended- when you are anxious and tense. *It's also suppose to be fun. *That means it's okay to make mistakes, experiment, and just be silly sometimes.

Also remember that everyone is different. *I, myself, rarely come from oral sex, but do fine with intercourse and manual stimulation. *I still enjoy oral, I just don't usually come that way. *You are on the right track by finding out what works for you. Just don't put pressure on yourself to find them all today. *Ten, twenty years from now you will still be finding new ones- so take your time and enjoy.

I understand the father issues. *I have very similar ones. *You just can't let it control your life. *Just because he did something doesn't automatically make it bad. Believe me, I know. *I felt the same way about fishing for years. *And lost time doing something I enjoy because of bad memories from him. *And you know what? *He didn' suffer at all, I'm the one who lost out. *If there's something you think you might enjoy, don't give him the satisfaction of taking it away from you.

Just keep telling yourself "Sex is fun" and relax and enjoy it.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

[parTanimal]

youve got 2 relax, i find that it is always harder to come wen u r focusing on it. just enjoy her mouth and tel her how wel shes doin, that wel shes less likely to stop before u come. masturbation is a thing u have missed out on. try slowly undressing the girl in ur mind whilst rubbing ur penis. ul learn ur preferences after a few weeks. hope i helped..

[archer]

these problems go much deeper than just first time jitters, there are preconceptions about sex and influences in your life which you did not have any control over or any choice and that isnt your fault!! that's the first step to take i believe.

all you gotta do is pinpoint wat is making you nervous, and put a different perspective on it...and wat better way than discussing your problmes with this girl of yours. She may say something that really hits u and stays in your mind. Sex is meant to be enjoyable and intimate for both of you.it shouldnt be a test of ego, or status. glad that ur taking the time to discover yourself..its never too late.

As stupid or easy as this sounds u really need to let go!!! As you said : "I have my plans ", this shows that ur still too worried and tied down. you cant have plans to make yourself pleasured...these types of htings just happen, n you have to let them happen. its about self discovery, not about tactical ways to tackle the problem. i think you might jsut be looking to hard for excuses that you cant let yourself go, wen all u need to do is just let it happen even if u dont like it. step out of your comfort zone for once...be vulnerable to your the girl uve grown attached too.

just a warning : just dont be so hell bent on pleasing yourself you miss hte big picture, that is time with this girl, and most importantly love and trust.

(hope this aint all ramble to you or anyone, n im not being critical, every1 has problems and every1 'can' overcome them)

good luck

[vagabondprince]

From your thorough explanation of your problem and from what I have read about the problem (called retarded or inhibited ejaculation; there is a post about it in the ' birth control, STDs and sexual disorders section), I believe I have an idea of what your problem is. First, I'd like to say I had a hard time orgasming during sex when i first started; i figured out that part of it was that i was concentrating too much on just pleasing her and was therefore not opening myself up for the enjoyment of it.
This may be part of your problem as well, but I believe your main problem may be from farther back in your past. One main cause of RE is a psychological block. You had said that you got yelled at when masturbating as a kid. this may be part of the problem, as well as your disdain for father and therefore porn. You may be unconsciously associating any sexual feelings with either of these parts of your past. I have no experience in the field of psychology other than the reading i have done, so don't take this as doctor's orders or anything, but I would recommend trying what parTanimal; try masturbation. possibly even view porn to help stimulate you (if it would help at all considering your mental blocks with porn). Just relax and give it time. read up on RE as well. Hope this helps