needing sex

[max2plus3]

I want more sex then my husband. He is always making excuses or stays up till he thinks I am asleep. He says it's his age 48. I am 43.
I can't keep from thinking of sex all the time. We have great sex when we do it. I just want it more and more.
Any thing I can do better? I have done just about everything. The rejection is taking it's toll on me. We have been toghter for 19 years.

[Rawbob]

Hmmmm. To give you some useful advice, can you answer a few extra questions?
1) How long have you been feeling this way about not getting enough sex?
2) Have there been any traumatic or stress-inducing issues/events in the recent past?
3) Have there been any physical changes in you or his body?
4) When did u notice such a pronounced decline in his libido?
5) Is he spending time doing other things (working late, lots oftime on the internet, etc)
6) Has he seen his Dr about this?

Change in libido is typical with age...however, there are LOTS of options (testoserone cream for example) for couples to help address this IF it is about libido!

Can you answer these questions?

[max2plus3]

1. FOR A LONG TIME.
2. I HAVE CAUGHT HIM MASTERBATING, I HAVE ASKED HIM ABOUT IT. HE LIES SAYS THAT HE DOESN'T DO IT AND WHEN I WORK WEEK ENDS AND COME HOME I CAN TELL HE HAS DONE IT. WHEN I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT, HE WONDERS HOW I KNOW.
3. NOT IN HIS OR MINE.
4. 4-6 YEARS. I AM LUCKY IF I GET LAID ONCE A MONTH.
BEEN TOGHTER 19 YEARS.
5.WE HAVE HAD INTERNET ABOUT 6 MONTHS, HE SPENDS ALOT OF TIME ON IT.
6.WE HAVE TALKED A FEW TIMES ABOUT HIM SEEING DOCTOR BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT HAS WENT. HE BROUGHT IT.

MASTURBATING WOUNLDN'T BE SO BAD IF IT HELPED OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE TAKES CARE OF HIMSELF AND IT CAN BE 3-6 WEEKS AFTER HE HAS MASTURBATED BEFORE I GET SEX AGAIN.
I FEEL REJECTED AND WORTHLESS MOST OF THE TIME. IT IS LIKE A CONTROLL THING WITH HIM. SOMETIMES I THINK HE'S GAY.

[Rawbob]

Hmmmmm.....well...i know this may sound drastic, but if he REALLY refuses to talk or do anything about it, and given all your replies, i think there MAY be something going on with him.

If i were you i would hire a private detective to find out what he's doing when he's away from you, and also, have him cehck you computer to find out his websurfing and/or email activity.

It's time to find out more information! Having sex just one timea month is a strong indicator of SOMETHING....he may NOT be gay, but he may be getting his sexual needs met someplace else!

[oberon]

Okay, I didn't even think gay until Rawbob brought it up. *What I got was possible affair- but then I am a suspicious SOB{lol}.

It could just be something that is bothering him and he feels uncomfortable being intimate. *The best thing would be for him to talk about it, but you really can't force him. *You can make sure you tell him how YOU feel, in no uncertain terms. *Don't issue any ultimatums, but let him know something has to change. *And if he won't help, then you may have to do it without him.

The PI idea seems a bit drastic to me - it sort of violates my sense of trust - but I guess if you get desperate enough you try anything. *If you think an affair likely, you might also *need the evidence for later. *

Take care and let us know how things are going.

[Extra-Titanian]

Instead of hiring a private detective, just go to www.spyarsenal.com, they have articles on how to tell if a spouse is cheating on you and if you believe worse is worse, you can buy an extremely effective, easy to use and invisible keylogger so you can see (read) what he does online.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Find, read and then do The Program, a sticky post found elsewhere on this Forum. It works.
While you're doing that, also sit down in a non-sexual environment and discuss the issue - do not assign blame - just discuss this and then discuss your options. In the absence of something medical, there is no reason why a man in his 40's would not be into enjoying sex every chance he gets.

[mikkiji]

For both men and woman, sexuality will go through many seasons over the years, changing each time. From higher to lower libido, from adventurous to safe, our needs and responses change depending on many factors--work, children, illness, stress, fears, anxieties, finances and, perhaps most unpredictable of all, outside influences. Your new access to the internet may be a key here--perhaps he has found something on it which is sexually novel and exciting, something he didn't even know turned him on before which he is now getting his fill of. It could be nearly anything; what's called "bi-curious" (wondering what it might be like with another man), or enjoying looking at bondage, or some other fetish, such as group sex, sex with animals, young girls, fat women--the list of sexual fetishes is endless and strange. Maybe he's discovered cyber-sex. Maybe he's just going thru a long period of sexual disinterest. This is what happened to my late wife and me after 20 years of marriage--her libido went from great sex 3 times a week to maybe once a month, sometimes still great, but often of the, "just get it over with" variety.

The fact that he is in denial of his masturbating is a clue that he's got either a good deal of sexual confusion or guilt. He needs to come out of whatever hole he is hiding his real feelings in and come clean with you. Either he really does not know why he's become disinterested in sex with you, or he's replaced that interest with something else. How is the rest of your relationship, the nonsexual things? Do you get along, are you still friends, do you still communicate well on other things in your lives? If not, then you have a much more complex marital problem than merely mismatched libidos. Talk first, if at all possible.
Michael