yet another orgasm question. i tried to look at other posts, but couldn't really find anything useful. i've been having sex (intercourse and oral) with a loving boyfriend for about five months and I've never in my life orgasmed in any way (clitoral or vaginal).
I'm pretty sure that I don't have a physical problem because I remember when I was a little kid I (unknowingly) brought myself pretty close to climax. yeah weird but whatever. I don't masturbate now (haven't since I was a child). And I think herein lies the problem. All the answers to this question seem to be "masturbate masturbate masturbate." but uh....I really am uncomfortable with that. I have no desire to do that, it creeps me out. I don't find myself sexually stimulating, so thinking of touching myself is a turn-off. Any suggestions?
Also, I get sore after pretty much every time I have sex. It tends to be more of a problem when we don't use condoms (i'm on the ring). It's not generally intense pain when I'm just walking around or whatever, but if we try to have sex again or if he uses his finger, it hurts so much that we have to stop. It usually lasts at least a few hours. anybody know what's going on?
It is probably more of a physiological problem, actually.
Everyone, male and female needs to learn to masturbate in order to "connect the dots", that is, make the necessary connections between the thousands of nerve endings in the genitals and the pleasure center of the brain via the autonomic nervous system. This is not a given, the pathways must be established. Boys do this pretty matter of factly right out of puberty; however, many girls do not masturbate as early or at all as in your case.
In order for you and any other woman to experience orgasms, you must learn to generate them. This requires that you take matters into your own hands, so to speak, and teach yourself. Once you can achieve a climax reliably and regularly, and know what specific movements, rhythms, and pressures are required, you can then teach your partner how to mimic your technique.
It is important to understand that we do not give orgasms away to others. All any of us can do is to help our partner achieve his/her own. We are in fact responsible for our own orgasms. Brandye and I and a couple of others have replied to numerous posts about this. I am surprised you didn't run across one of these threads. Please check this out as just two examples (my reply and her followup):
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/other_sex_topics/16505-male_female_genit...
> I don't find myself sexually stimulating, so thinking of touching myself is a turn-off.
You are looking at this incorrectly. Masturbation is not about loving yourself, nor is it an act in response to being "full of yourself", so to speak. Pure and simple, masturbation serves two purposes: first, is pure pleasure and enjoyment; second, to reduce and eliminate pent up sexual tension and daily stress.
Is the pain you feel located in or around the vaginal opening? If so, is the vagina lubricated? Is the finger, penis, or dildo well lubricated? The problem requires additional information.
The last issue first: You need to add lubricant.
One-quarter of all women never experience orgasm. Most could certainly learn but choose not to. Your issues seem more psychological than physiological. You should start with a complete physical exam just to make sure everything is where it should be. Then, you have a decision to mkae: Get comfortable with your body and learn to reach orgasm or simply enjoy the non-orgasmic aspects of sex.
Many women who do not ecperience orgasm report satisfaction and say they are perfectly happy participating without reaching climax themselves. This is a choice they make for themselves. You have to make a choice and then live with it.
i have seen other threads on this topic, but since the answer is always "masturbate," and I don't want to do that, I didn't find them helpful. I guess I'm out of luck.
the pain is, I think, throughout (in and around). I'm pretty sure I'm well-lubricated. I get pretty wet naturally, and we always make sure I'm wet before we start. It doesn't hurt during. And it doesn't hurt immediately after until I get up. I feel like adding lubricant would be too much because I produce almost too much as it is. There begins to be little friction.
if you want paz, i could come over and almost guaruntee you to have an orgasm.
have you tried using any vibrators? i used to think i couldnt orgasm either, but then, my bf and i went shopping, he bought me a vibrator, it worked, i started using it on my own first, he was there, watching, then, he joined, i actually have experienced more of a g-spot orgasm, (ejaculating) its soooooooo great, its intense, he joined by helping me out, not necessarily penetrating, but, as i used the vibrator on my g-spot through my vagina, he stimulated my g-spot through anal, fingering, major, ohhhhh man, its the best, let me tell you, i dont think ive ever experienced anything even close to that. dont be afraid to try it.
thanks txrocker.
mistressnluv, nope i've never tried anything like that. your description sounds great, but like i said, that kind of thing really freaks me out.
isn't anyone else out there turned off by the thought of masturbating? am i just weird?
[QUOTE=paz]thanks txrocker.
mistressnluv, nope i've never tried anything like that. your description sounds great, but like i said, that kind of thing really freaks me out.
isn't anyone else out there turned off by the thought of masturbating? am i just weird?[/QUOTE]
I do think it is weird that you are obsessed with orgasms yet you are creeped out by masturbating.
That's like being obsessed with driving fast but being scared to sit in a car.
wow never said i was obsessed. i just think that if i could orgasm, my boyfriend would be a lot more encouraged and i would probably feel more involved when we have sex. i personally don't feel a great need to orgasm, since it's hard to really want something that i've never experienced.
[QUOTE=paz]wow never said i was obsessed. i just think that if i could orgasm, my boyfriend would be a lot more encouraged and i would probably feel more involved when we have sex. i personally don't feel a great need to orgasm, since it's hard to really want something that i've never experienced.[/QUOTE]
Gotcha.
Well then all I can tell you is that he needs to get really interested in performing oral on you and you two need to communicate.
yeah he is really interested in performing oral on me. and again, that's why i need to figure out how to orgasm. because he likes to do it, and i want to like...reward him. we've talked about all of this. so we're communicating, it's just hard when there's not much to communicate.
gah anyway. i didn't mean to be difficult. i just wanted to see what people had to say and i appreciate all of your input. it sounds like i'm just going to have to learn to get comfortable somehow.
Here is a parallel post to this thread:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/brandye_s_chick_chat/16546-rarely_makes_...
I believe the original poster's remarks are most telling. As Brandye has stated, you can indeed enjoy your lovemaking sessions without necessarily experiencing orgasms. You have two paths to pleasure and satisfaction and you may select either an be happy and content.
> i need to figure out how to orgasm.
I have outlined what it takes in order to be able to make the transition from the state of being preorgasmic to that of an orgasmic human along with the why. It is incorrect to believe or expect our partner to give or bring about our orgasms. It simply doesn't work this way.
I am curious why you find the matter of masturbation distasteful. Does this have to do with religious and/or moral teachings? You are not wierd, although, I would say you are choosing an uphill path by not learning. I do not recall off hand what the actual statistics are, but for this discussion let's say that 90% of men and women masturbate to one degree or another and the other 10% lie about it. I believe you are opting to miss out on one of life's greatest gifts that Mother Nature has given us.
> i want to like...reward him.
What about your needs and your pleasure? I understand your desire to stroke his ego, yet experiencing an orgasm is mostly about your enjoyment. Even more important, the sharing of orgasms is an outward expression of the love each of you has for the other.
i'm not really sure why I'm creeped out by it. if i knew, maybe that would help. i was raised in a pretty religious househould and my parents don't believe in sex before marriage (they don't know that I'm having sex). i do not, however, believe that sex before marriage is wrong. i guess being raised in a house that does not *encourage* sexual activity may have given me some biases.
when i think of masturbation, it's not so much a feeling of moral shame, it's more like i'm ashamed of myself. like i'm ashamed that i have a vagina and that there would be something that would make me react in such an unladylike way. i guess. it's hard to really nail down how i feel about it.
I'm not trying to say that I'm against masturbating. That would be wonderful if I could do it, and I will try to see how I can become comfortable with the idea. It's just that right now, whenever I think of it or consider trying it, I feel like I want to cry or sometimes i do cry. So I think I should find a way to not cry when I think about it before I actually go about doing it.