I'm in need of some help here. I've run into a problem I've never experienced before. My wife was a virgin on our wedding day, we tried multiple times and on the 3rd or 4th time I was finally able to fully insert my penis (6.5"L x 3.75" Circumference). She claimed the pain was excruciating so we were always going slow, I always tried to use lots of lube, foreplay, oral sex etc.... well the sex trailed off drastically and she complains about the pain everytime... usually complaining after 4-5 minutes about pain and just asking me to hurry up (which requires more thrusting, which equals more whining / pain for her).
I would like it to be more enjoyable for her. She complains about the pain in missionary, doggy, while laying on her back (with feet on chest, legs spread, knees over shoulders, etc). She won't try riding me, says we aren't experienced enough (how do you ever get experience if you never try?). I've tried multiple times to change angle of attack etc and just usually results in her asking me to hurry up. She says she gets tired of the same thing (thrusting) over and over. Only a couple times has she ever said "it felt good". Most of the time she's very touchy about the sex subject (think innocent catholic girl) yet get a few drinks in her and she really can come alive... (no I don't get her drunk on purpose).
Just curious if anyone has any advice on positions, ideas, what not because I'm at my wits end. I get barely any sex, she complains when we do have sex, and talking about it with her (due to her innocent act) usually feels like pulling teeth when trying to get something out of her (ie: what she likes, what she wants to experiment with, roleplay ideas if any, new positions etc....). Thanks for your help,
OG33
so from what you say she is very tight down there. so she might try loosening herself by bathing in warm water and gently streching herself
talk dirty to her while your having sex with her?!
change it up a bit to make it moe exciting for her.
shes obviously tight, so ask her to work on it herself, its her body and she will know if it hurts or not, ask her to stretch herself in the shower, making it obviously wetter and more flexible.
sex should most definately be enjoyable for both partners and asking you to hurry up is quite nice, in a way but she should have some of the pleasure,
i personally would feel really bad if i was hurting my partner to get pleasure out of it, i dont think i could do it, but i wouldnt know because i dont have a dick. lol
Okay...how long has this been a problem???
[QUOTE=sera300;162256]Okay...how long has this been a problem???[/QUOTE]
since day 1 of our sex life so about 4-5 months now.
Re: pain... i don't want to hurt her and actually find no pleasure in it. SHe mentioned recently she'd have more sex if it didn't hurt. So I'm guessing if anyone has any info on how to help make it less painful for her I would appreciate it. She's not into playing with herself (so she says) so I'm guessing it would be something I would have to do. Not that I mind just curious as to what I can do to help her have more enjoyment out of sex.
thanks,
I had this problem when i first started having sex as well. My boyfriend and i decided to get lube (warming liquid) and to start off, we put a LOT of that both on and inside my vagina, and on his penis as well. I would say get lubricant, and as for the positions, the position that really loosened me up was when we are both laying down and he entered me from behind (from a spooning position). Practice a LOT of foreplay, use plenty of lube, and try that position.
You do have a problem. And it is nothing you can 'fix' on your own. She has to be not merely willing but absolutely DETERMINED to 'fix' it as well. From the sounds of it, she ISN'T.
The problem isn't down below up but upstairs in her head. She has been taught one thing about sex from day one - it is for procreation only and not pleasure. Sex for pleasure is a sin in her mind.
Your choices are:
1. live with it
2. seek Catholic counseling with someone who knows how you feel and agrees with you (husband) - say Catholic because they'd know her side of it
3. divorce her
I hope you two try option 2 - then you can work on the physical aspects as you should- together!
go with lube, sounds bettter, and as for yourself, try fingering her.. gradually working more fingers in.
[QUOTE=emily_11;162339]go with lube, sounds bettter, and as for yourself, try fingering her.. gradually working more fingers in.[/QUOTE]
not in this case emily...
Personal opinion here is; when drinks alcohol she loosens up b/c she looses her inhibitions...get to a counselor!!!
You've got a pretty significant problem there.
[soapbox on]This is among the very good reasons why the notion of remaining a virgin until marriage is really a stupid idea.[soapbox off]
Now that I've lost all influence and credibility with the original poster, a slightly analytical take on the problem:
The basis of the problem could be physical or psychological, or a combination. If she had an intact hymen, that would be a physical issue, though it should have gone away by now. There shouldn't be a problem with your size (actually, are you sure you measured that circumference correctly?).
Other things you say about her sound consistent with it being a psychological problem, at least in significant part. That suggests counseling. The EvilEvil one's suggestion makes sense: if it's fundamentally a Catholic issue, you need someone who can speak to her with both understanding and credibility from that point of view (we freewheeling mainstream Protestants wouldn't even know what she's talking about). Of course, she'll probably resist any sort of "sex counseling," so you may need to work into that subject from a more general sort of counseling or something.
If you want to try something physical yourself, I guess the best I could suggest would be: after a couple of drinks (not drunk ... just enough to take the edge of inhibitions off), go down on her. Not as a prelude to full-on sex, but as the main event. Keep going (and going and going) until your jaw and tongue are so tired you have trouble talking the next day.
NizeGie I not only agree with you but I WHOLE HEARTEDLY agree with you and think the entire 'cult of virginity' is criminal! Can't think why a guy would ever want one! This is the only area in which we value IGNORANCE. And then they wonder why women don't want/enjoy sex. Hah! Go figure!
*getting down off of soapbox*
I agree with that. I really can't see why someone would want to retain their virginity any longer than they have to. How can lack of experience be considered a virtue?
I suspect that historically it is all to do with christianity and the influence it has had on our society, but lets not get into THAT argument.....
cycle - more like wanting to know she's "unspoiled" and thus worthy of bearing "his" children, hun - remember women were considered property and once her field was plowed then she was considered tainted by another man's seed. Ridiculous I know but that was the prevailing thought at the time. Now we just say its is special and should be saved for your husband.
If her religous beliefs are that strong, it will explain the virginity issue, there are still many who strictly follow the teachings of the church. Look at how many women years back felt birthcontrol was a sin based on church beliefs. Up until approx. 1964 women were considered "chattel" and our paychecks, if married, belonged to our spouses...shortly thereafter we were "freed" by the courts. Talk about absurd. I know there are two schools of thought in the religion, one focuses on pleasing your husband and sex is a wonderful expression, etc. finding a counselor who subscribes to this theory is the right one. The ones who believe sex is only for propagation, will only hinder the issue.
One of the few sermons I remember from when I used to go to church was on the topic of sex and religion (go figure).
I remember the pastor saying that sex shouldn't be looked at as a sin etc and that it was a very "beautiful" thing between the two partners. However, in the case of your wife it does seem like she was brought up as thinking of it in a bad way. I dont watch Dr. Phil, but when flipping through the channels I remember him bringing this up in one of shows (the husband was all for sex but the wife wanted nothing to do with it).
Wow, thanks for all the responses. To clear up a few things:
NizeGie - approximately 1.5" in diameter so C = Pi*D = 3.14159*1.5 = somewhere near 4.75, fat fingered mistake.
Evilkitten - nice avatar.
Virginity - I've never been one that thought waiting was good so it was more than 8 years ago that I lost my virginity. She wanted to wait because she's religious, I agreed.
Religion - eek I'm not Catholic but she is strictly Catholic as are her parents. Her dad jokes about sex offhand with the boys but clearly her mom's "opinions" have filtered down to her.
A good example would be earlier this week...2 weeks since our last encounter and I tried to initiate something (I tried multiple times through the week but she's "tired"). She promises the next day will be a go... next day arrives... I initiate and she agrees with the "I promised you I'd have sex but my tone / attitude says I have no desire whatsoever" voice / pout.
We talked for 2 hrs about our issues both sex and non-sex related. She agreed she needs to open up but she has no desire for sex, has no need for it, doesn't want it and could care less about it (keep in mind sex in her mind means: blowjobs, intercourse or even handjobs). She admits she has desires randomly but feels stupid trying to initiate things. I tried to positively reiterate that I'd love it if she would initiate things, think about her desires, talk over her desires but when pressured to talk about them she just says "I dont' know". I even mentioned we might need counseling for our issues and she said that might be an option but I highly doubt if she cannot talk about sex in front of me that she'll be able to do so in front of someone else.
We also talked about other stuff that might influence our sex lives: ie: work, school, family and medications we are on. I think I read somewhere that birth control can sometimes have a negative affect on sexual desire / hormones? I mentioned that (because she started in with the "I suck, I'm a horrible person.... blah blah" routine). She said when she goes to the doctor next she'll talk to her about it. Here is the kicker... her next visit is in JULY!!
I was totally frustrated after the talk. We talked about what we needed to do to get better but I saw no resolve.... I doubt she'd seek sex counseling... its almost like her mind is made up that sex is sinning. Just really frustrates me.... I feel like I keep trying and trying in this regard and instead of being something to enjoy its almost like its a power trip for her to "control" my desires.
Well, you have your answer then officeguy! She's not willing to change because she sees no need for her to change. Time to say goodbye and seek out another relationship. Why? Because if she's not even willing to work with you on an issue that matters to you - how much does she really care about you? Stay friends if you want to but otherwise - she didn't step up so you step off.
and thank you, I like my avatar too.
Officeguy, take my word for it: this will not get better. The pain is a cop out because if she really wanted sex, she would be in the doctor's office about this ASAP. Based upon what you've said, I am essentially 100% sure she will never have an interest in sex except for a few months when she decides she wants to have a child. Then it will be right back to square one.
Did you guys not discuss sex at all prior to marriage or did she lead you to believe that she was going to jump right in the game after you said "I do?"
Women who successfully remain a virgin until marriage often are able to do so because they really have no interest in sex whatsoever.
You have ZERO leverage on this issue unless you are willing to tell her "either we work this out or I want a divorce".
[QUOTE=ua322;162737] Based upon what you've said, I am essentially 100% sure she will never have an interest in sex except for a few months when she decides she wants to have a child. Then it will be right back to square one.
Very good point! I think I'd have to seriously think about ending this relationship NOW before you end up 2yrs down the road with a child to support on top of the cost of a divorce. I also agree with what's been said about virginity. I personally believe that 2 people need to know they are compatable in everyway (includeing sex) before commiting to a lifetime together.
Yikes.
I know this may be hard to hear, but it's time to let things go. Unfortunately you already made the mistake of marrying her, and now you're going to pay the price for that. But thank the Heavens that you do not have children and won't have to pay that price for the next 18 years.
A relationship has three parts, the emotional/mental connection, the physical intimacy (cuddling, enjoying someone's company) and the sex. They are all important, and this is obviously something that is important to you. You're not sitting here complaining about not being able to have sex three times a day, you are complaining about the fact that she wants no sex at all. You sound like a healthy normal male, and you are NOT in a healthy normal relationship. If you felt the same way it could have been different, but it isn't.
Get a good laywer.
[QUOTE=sera300;162343]Personal opinion here is; when drinks alcohol she loosens up b/c she looses her inhibitions...get to a counselor!!![/QUOTE]
I think this is the best advice you are goig to get
I think you owe it to yourself and her to try to make this work. It's good that you had a conversation about it and she admitted that she needs to open up. After a lifetime of Catholic dogma, it's not going to be easy to let her know that sex is OK and pleasure is good. But, that's what you need to do. Don't get frustrated after one conversation. You haven't been having sex for all that long and I wouldn't be surprised if she's not totally comfortable with these conversations and with your sexuality yet. So, be patient with her. Let her know how important an issue this is to you, and let her know that you want to be able to pleasure her.
Next time you have sex, try focusing on her pleasure. Sex doesn't need to be just penetration. Since she has these religious views, I have a feeling that romance is what will turn her on, rather than animal passion. Take her out to dinner, or cook her a nice dinner at home. Bring her flowers, be sweet to her, tell her how much you love her. Does she mind kissing and intimacy if it's not sex? If she is uncomfortable with touching and intimacy, your first step is working past that by letting her know that these things are loving and that you care for her. If she is OK with these things already, that's great. Now all you have to do is work her past that comfort zone and let her know that sex, penetrative or otherwise, is equally loving.
Have a romantic dinner with wine and candles, even watch a romantic movie together. Kiss her, undress, kiss her body and make her feel pampered. Try going down on her, if you don't normally do this already. Let her know that you are interested in how she is feeling and making it a good experience for her. Does she ever give you blowjobs? If she doesn't, don't push her yet, as that's probably a conversation better suited to outside the bedroom. Basically, I think you are going to best convince her about sex by letting her know that intimate activities can be pleasurable for her without the obligation of sex.
I think that you two need to be able to be romantic and intimate without having sex. That way, it won't just be a once a week thing that you two have to do. Once doing sexy stuff together (like going down on each other, or handjobs/fingering, or mutual masturbation) you can slowly incorporate sex into these routines. Don't push it, but let her see that you can have sexy fun together without it immediately leading to sex. Even if she is never willing to have sex more, I think you would be a lot more satisfied if there was an understanding that you could do these things together, and if she feels that you are interested in her pleasure.
I do agree that therapy/marriage counseling might be worth looking into, but I don't think that it is a substitute for trying to work things out together and being able to communicate.
i'm a little late into the conversation, but as someone who was a virgin when she got married, i'll throw in my two cents.
i guess i wasn't a *complete* virgin though, i had a dildo, but as far as doing it with another person, i was.
i can argue from either side really. on one hand, expirience leads to better sex, and i don't think anyone can argue with that. knowing where things are and having the wherewithal to go for what you want in a sexual relationship are definate plusses.
however, i don't think someone should *try* to lose their virginity. for most women, and a lot of men too, sex is a very emotional thing. its intimate, and its sharing a part of yourself with someone that you don't share with the world. its something special and secret, and it shouldn't be thrown around for the heck of it. yes, you should enjoy it, but its so easily cheapened.
i was a virgin until a week before i got married not because of any vow i made myself or anyone else, or because of some moral conviction, but just because i hadn't found someone that i thought was special enough to share that part of myself with until i met my husband. and if he was special enough to have sex with, and made me feel special enough and safe enough (coming from someone with borderline social anxiety disorder) to have sex with him, i wanted to marry him too.
i don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping with someone without marriage, like perhaps your in a relationship that's really special and you love and care about the person, but there's just something not right and you can't stay together, whatever the reason may be. i just don't like promiscuous, cheap, one-night stand sex. i think its wrong and causes a lot of emotional damage.
Fair enough, Lucky_13, but what do you do if you never meet someone who you feel that special about? Not everyone does, you know. You might have to face the prospect of remaining a virgin forever, and never experiencing sex. Unless you've taken a vow of celibacy, I think you'd eventually come to the conclusion that life is too short to miss out on that experience.
Sex with someone you feel special about may be better, but sex for pleasure sure beats celibacy!
Just my opinion.
Hmmm. Well let me tell you, there are times in life where "just sex" is good for people, it does not cheapen the intent, especially when both parties are in agreement. There are times in life we need to feel the contact w/another human being physically, not spiritually. I believe emotional damage happens when there is a lack of normal physical contact, to remain celebate in lieu of a relationship is more damaging to me. BUT you have to be able to seperate sex from emotions such as love. Some of the best relationships I have had are FWB and NSA...I always knew where I stood, as did the men. Sex w/love is another ball game with different rules. Cannot confuse the two.
I agree with sera300. A one night stand doesn't have to be cheap and nasty. If two people spend a night together, and it satisfies a mutual need, then I see nothing wrong with that. It all depends on the attitudes of the people involved, and the respect they have for each other. There doesn't have to be any emotional damage involved. In fact, I think there can be more emotional damage from denying one's needs.
But fair enough, Lucky_13, you've stated that one night stands are not for you. Everyone is different.
Buy her a dildo a little larger than your penis and some lube...