My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years now, and our sex life has been pretty much for most of that time the one thing that was great and didn't argue about that much. But for the last couple years I believe, I can't even count on that anymore. Excuse me if this is long, but I have a couple things to discuss. If I need to break it up into two different posts, can someone let me know or if it's the wrong forum to post as well.
Anyway, the first thing is about oral. She was the first one to initiate blow jobs in our relationship even though I wasn't sure about it because of my strict upbringing and such. But once she gave me a couple or so, I really liked them even tho I at first still felt awkward about it but that waned over a bit of time. The problem now is I almost have to beg for them from her and if I say something or make any hints or gestures(in bed or not) about it, she gets mad saying I'm pressuring her or forcing her to do it. But if I don't say anything, I feel like I'm hardly ever going to get it. When she does give them(in bed or not) they last maybe a couple minutes at tops, just when I'm really getting turned on and starting to feel REAL good(not sure how to term that). If I say anything about that, then she gets mad, saying dont get greedy or that I don't appreciate it. So I don't know how to handle this. Do I just continue to take a passive role and not say anything or ask or gesture for it(like pulling it out and offering it to her sometimes or whatever) or should I keep trying to talk to her even though she gets upset and it results in a big argument?
The next issue is about sex overall and sometimes the lack of it. She understands that I have a higher sex drive than her. Sometimes we've gone for weeks without anything and if I say anything, she gets upset saying the same kind of things as above. Now I do understand she is just simply too tired sometimes, because she works long days sometimes, and we have 2 small kids. But allot of times she will say we're going to do it, or she will say throughout the day how horny she is or that she wants to give me a BJ or whatever specific thing(s) she says and then after we get our girls to bed, then she will go to bed and I'm left hanging. Now I do try to be understanding because I know she does get tired cuz she works two jobs one real part time(family business) and another one which is only 3 maybe 4 days a weeek, but real long hours. But if I say anything to her, about her saying something to me during the day and then leaving me hanging, then once again I get yelled at or whatever. Sorry to make this so long but I felt I needed to provide some details in order to get the best educated opinions or advice. So without carrying on any more, does anyone have any advice or opinions on how to handle these situations
[QUOTE=LustyLisa;257468]That's rediculous and you know it. That's nothing nore than an excuse... Your needs are not necesarily your wifes problem[/QUOTE]
LustyLisa, I'm not sure what you mean here exactly by these statements. As far as my sister in law knowing, I didn't think that was unusual, I thought women talked about that all the time, what they do/don't do in the bedrooom, what problems they may be having. In my defense, I acknowledged that alot of times I understand and sympathize with her when she's tired because she works. But as far as taking care of the kids and things, that falls pretty much on me, even on her off days and when she gets home after work. I know you all think I'm being selfish, but I'm referring to when she will talk all day about us having sex that night or being horny and wanting me but then when kids are down for bed, she'll either go straight to sleep or she'll lay there watching TV for awhile and if I try to initiate it, she'll get upset and say that I can't be patient but she knows that our youngest starts waking up after an hour or so after we put her down. So trying to be as objective as possible, there are many times I don't say anything because I know how she feels, but other times it seems like I'm just being teased because it's another way for her to control me. Because when I try to initiate it or try to suggest trying something while in bed doing it, she will get upset and just say, ' Be happy with what you're getting or we quit' or she will just stop altogether. So do I just keep my mouth shut and accept things as they are and take the passive role?
[QUOTE=RdyFrdy69;257461]I forgot to mention that I do understand part of it is because of a bad pattern I fell into starting a few years ago, and then it happened 3 more times over a course of the next 4 years. And that's why her sister says that my wife needs to make sure she keeps me satisfied or I'm going to stray for real which I don't necessarily think that's true but I understand whey they feel that way. But then again, my wife says she forgives me, but yet continues to throw it up in my face whenever it seems convenient for her.[/QUOTE]
That's rediculous and you know it. That's nothing nore than an excuse and what is her sister doing knowing so much about your initmate life with your wife? That shopuld remain personal between the two of you only unless you speak to a Doctor or therapist. Your needs are not necesarily your wifes problem
[QUOTE=RdyFrdy69;257461]. But then again, my wife says she forgives me, but yet continues to throw it up in my face whenever it seems convenient for her.[/QUOTE]
So you have strayed?
Im with Lustylisa.. Why the heck is your sister -in law knowing so much of what is or not going on in your bedroom...
And your wife working 2 jobs and kids is enough to get anyone tired and stressed... Do you help her around the house?
Have you spoken to her about "Your" issues etc outside of the bedrrom?
I forgot to mention that I do understand part of it is because of a bad pattern I fell into starting a few years ago, and then it happened 3 more times over a course of the next 4 years. And that's why her sister says that my wife needs to make sure she keeps me satisfied or I'm going to stray for real which I don't necessarily think that's true but I understand whey they feel that way. But then again, my wife says she forgives me, but yet continues to throw it up in my face whenever it seems convenient for her.
She's working two job, running the house, has two little kids she's looking after and yet YOU are complaining about the quality of your sex life??
Make that three kids she's looking after.
That's what she's seeing; a big male kid asking "what about me?" And she's thinking "like I need more work to do?"
If you're not helping out around the house - without having to be asked to do it - you should be. No man was ever shot while he was washing the dishes.
Then turn your request around. Instead of "what about me" - see if you can't be doing something to thrill her. Please find, read, and then do The Program. It works!
OK - so you're a good guy around the house - excellent!
Passive? You may have to - unless you can get inside your wife's head and find out what her policies are regarding sex. Understand that she has been taught "Good girls don't." etc and so forth and some women, while they say they don't believe it, act as if they did believe it.
You're going to have to start breaking this cycle:
1. When she says things during the day - SCOFF and say "yeah yeah right - sure, honey. Thanks, but I have to get back to work here."
2. Tease and then ignore while looking fetching. This is the "poke the tigress with a stick" method where you get her ready to jump your bones.
3. Stop accepting any appeasement sex she may offer. You want all or nothing.
But most of all you two need to seriously discuss where this "no sex" thing comes from and no, men aren't patient - they're NOT women - duh! - for men sex is serious, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent & overwhelming and it can be that way for her too - if you BOTH work together on this.
[QUOTE=RdyFrdy69;257461]I forgot to mention that I do understand part of it is because of a bad pattern I fell into starting a few years ago, and then it happened 3 more times over a course of the next 4 years. And that's why her sister says that my wife needs to make sure she keeps me satisfied or I'm going to stray for real which I don't necessarily think that's true but I understand whey they feel that way. But then again, my wife says she forgives me, but yet continues to throw it up in my face whenever it seems convenient for her.[/QUOTE]
You have cheated on her? Am I reading this right?
If that is the case, then I think I found your problem.
Well, not physically cheating, but I have chatted online with other women that went beyond just general conversation and involved some cybering and exchanging of pics, so I guess that would still be considered cheating from a sense of not being loyal to her. So I meant I do understand some of her issues she probably has now.
An emotional betrayal, perhaps but a physical betrayal - no. A legal betrayal - no. But, you did slip and this does inidcate a failure of character - if you did this without prior discussion with your wife. Perhaps not a major fatal failure but a failure.
The idea that it is your wife's job to make sure you do not really stray is repugnant. It is YOUR job, sir. No one else's. Either you hold true to her or you give her up.
But according to all the literature pertaining to recovery - you'll have to take her anger as it comes for as long as it comes.