Hello everyone, I need some advice!
My GF wants me to be more aggressive in bed, she doesn't know how exactly, but says she wants me to be dominant and her submissive. She says she wants me to grab her, pull her towards me and have my way with her. Yet she does not give me any signs on when I should do this.
I'm not an aggressive person by nature, and do not have much experience with sex. She suggested we watch some pornos so she could point out how she wants me to act. I am not against this idea, even-though I don't really appreciate porn. Would this help?
I want to be more aggressive, but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing her to do something... I guess that is kind of self defeating. I guess I've always imagined her being more aggressive and dominant, but when she is, its because I'm taking to long or I'm not aggressive enough and she gets bored and just wants to end it. Not sexy.
She is also real bad at giving me any kind of sign; she expects me to tell her my needs, and to use her. I am not really comfortable with this, which I have told her... but now she has almost completely lost any lust for me.
Any advice on how I can be more aggressive with her?
I've always seen a relationship between aggression and sex. Agression gets people pumped up and exhillerated and just carries the sexual experience forward.
Having said that I think you need to be very careful, by making the decision to become more aggressive you're essentially adding carefully controlled violence to you sex life.
One part of your post that perturbed me was [QUOTE=Rail;219158] she expects me to tell her my needs, and to use her. [/QUOTE] It's one thing to place yourself in certain mental zone when you're shagging. But if thats genuinely what she wants it could be a problem for both of you.
Anywho I can only offer a few bits of advice that have worked for me.
When you're shagging and your pulse is racing and your caught up in the act, you can sometimes lose control. I'm quite physically fit and for a woman quite strong but 80% of men could easily overpower me. I've still ended up with quite a collection of scrapes and bruises so your girlfriend needs to be someone that's able to accept that. Be aware of your own strength if she punches you that doesn't mean you can punch her.If you tear her clothes off it's going to hurt the next day.You could sit down and work out before hand what you're going to do but thats a bit clinical.
A favourite of mine was being difficult when stipping off i.e. I'd try to keep my clothes on while he pulled them off. (it's best to change into old clothes cause if you do it right they're not going to be in great shape afterwards) . Also when it came to actual sex I'd keep wriggling away untill I was pinned down.I did this with my husband when we first starting off as way of making him assert himself which was something he wasn't used to doing sexually and it worked a treat.
Judge her mood very carefully, keep looking her in the face
Don't do anything that restricts her ability to speak cover her mouth or touch her throat.
gradually ramp up what you're doing with aim of stopping before she realises she wants to stop.
Don't be looking so much for physical pain but for signs that emotionally she's uncomfortable with what's happening.
Check that she's aroused
no alcohol or any other substances that impair your judgement.
Don't do anything that might risk leaving a mark on her face that's something that any women will be worried about
don't grab her hair I don't know anybody who likes having their hair messed with or tugged. It's easier if she just ties it back
Don't try and penetrate her (that includes your fingers) while you're all caught up in the moment. Stop relax check how she'd doing and if she'd ready before you go into her.
don't rely on verbal communicaton by the time she get around to telling you something you may already have gone too far.
Remember you're the guy you're always going to be able to overpower her, It isn't fair its just life, be aware of your own strength you're basically in charge so if anything goes wrong its your fault.
You might want to have a code word, I never have but I think some people enjoy shouting stop. If so use a code word.
Trust me if you do this right it goes beyond sex. I used to be quite into adventure sports and I never got a kick out of anything that compared to having sex like this.
And don't whine like a little bitch if she scrapes the **** out of you.
Relax.
If you have read many of my posts you have probably run across one or more in which I advise couples to "explore and learn together". I also recommend you read my articles listed in the Index that discuss "Implied Consent". You can also do an advanced search on this.
She has told you what actions she would enjoy, just do them in the normal course of events. Being "aggressive" does not mean being rough, abusive, or, inconsiderate. It simply means taking charge and leading the way with confidence. What? No confidence? Fake it.
How can you be forcing her into something she has asked for and given her permission to pursue?
> She is also real bad at giving me any kind of sign; she expects me to tell her my needs
Encourage her to read what I have had to say about communication and feedback. It is important for both parties to provide verbal or non-verbal feedback on how each of you are responding to caresses and for what you need now/next. You can do a search on this, also; or, just begin reading the articles from top to bottom in order to learn more and gain some needed insight.
> but now she has almost completely lost any lust for me.
* Gain it back by acting confidently (even if you are not)
* Work out a script of what you will say and do as if in writing a play
* Act it out with her
* You can tell her what you plan to do to her--or perhaps not. It depends upon the script
* Act in a loving way, even if your script includes some roughness. If it does, do not actually be rough, instead, fain roughness, just like in the movies so if you are spanking her or bringing her to you with determination, it is not actually rough, just giving the appearance.
Plant kisses with gusto and look into her eyes afterward.
If she is lying on her back, hold her hands above her head while you caress her body and perhaps tease her. (No tickling.)
Put passion or lust into some of your actions. Make her know in no uncertain terms that you love and want her. Tell her.
Being aggressive means you decide when to have sex and how to have sex. Where to do it also.
It also might mean that you you don't allow her to just lie there while you do all the work. tell her what you want her to do and how.
If she wants to watch porn with you to help you understand what she wants by all means do so-and with a completely open mind.
All this might mean that your girlfriend wants to have lots of great sex with you, but for some reason just doesn't feel comfortable initiating sex. Take it upon yourself to please her in this way even if you yourself would prefer that she usually be the aggressive one. Otherwise you aren't going to get enough and you don't want that do you?
Sure talk it over with her, but this is a case in which actions will speak louder than words.
I agree with Doc. Aggression doesn't have to mean violence or lack of consideration for her. I'm naturally a little sub myself, but my bf ADORES it when I 'just go for what I want'. If it helps, and it has me, don't think of it as 'aggression' but rather 'assertiveness'. It's ok to want what you want and to go after that. That's not unkind, especially since she appears to be requesting you do so.
Sarah.............Please Behave.............LOL
I think it's quite hard to define what aggression in the context of a sexual relationship is.
In my own case I see it as carefully controlled violence, In dancingdoc's case it's more a kind of make believe,and dlb see's it as taking control over how/when sex actually happens. Perhaps Rail could explain in a little more detail what his SO wants.
In my own life I've always been quite slow to promote my own particular sexual preferences for having sex. Emotionally and physically it takes you to different places, also it's not something you can do casually. Actually my preferences turned me off short term sexual relationships, it's the kind of thing that you build up gradually with each sexual partner. Anywho I've only had postitive experiences with it.
sarah_rsl,
Take a look at this clip from director Ang Lee´s Lust Caution. Is this sort of what you are talking about?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8tsLJP5h64
I am totally against a person acting in ways that make him/her uncomfortable. Are you sure you are compatible with this girl?? It is nice tha she's communicating with you BUT doing something at her command is not exactly being dominant. Seems more like she's "topping from the bottom" as the expression goes.
If sex on your terms without consideration for her is alien to you - you may want to rethink continuing the relationship.
But if you're willing to try anything once - go here and just reverse the gender on the scenarios www.wickedwomangroup.us
Your choice.
Thanks for all the good feedback... it seems it really is much more complicated than I suspected.
Little things will also make her upset that I am not dominant enough. Simple things like when I go to hold her hand, and I grab it from behind instead of on top. I don't even think about those things as being masculine/feminine, I made the move to hold her hand, in my mind thats taking charge of matters... being dominant. But she feels like she is "the man" if I hold her hand wrong.
In bed, she has given me many mixed signals. She has said both that she likes to be on top, and that she hates being on top. I enjoy both, and would hope to have an equal encounter... like if we are in doggy style, I want to feel that if I get tired and can lay backwards and have her in reverse cowboy.
She does have masculine traits, so the "topping from the bottom" comment kind of opened my eyes. Very stubborn, and very mathematical. She is only my second girlfriend, which is why I am having problems. I second guess myself as to what is normal, or what I want or want her to do. I don't know!?!?!
Yes, being "assertive" I have heard that also. But when she is just lying there playing opossum, it is a major turn off for me. It is frustrating for me to always push myself on her, without any queues from her, even if that is what she wants. I have voiced these things to her.
The thing that makes me most upset I think: When I go down on her, she usually gets impatient and makes me stop, saying, lets put a condom on you. Instead of giving me feedback on what Im doing. Its like she gives up and just wants to make me blow and does not care one bit. That feels pretty harsh to me, always giving me reasons like: its late, Im sleepy.
The more I write this down, the more I clearly I see things. Any comments are appreciated. Thank you.
Did it perhaps never occur to you that you two are not all that sexually compatible? If the lady's sneering at you as not being man enough simply for not holding her hand 'correctly' - I do not see much hope for this relationship. She seems very immature and selfish.
The more I read the more I get the impression that there is a generalized problem in the relationship.
If you really want to show her who is in control---send her packing.
That might be the ultimate power swing.......................
I agree. If she's being this b****y about something as superficial as how you hold her hand and if you're trying to communicate with her and she's not responding, rethink the whole relationship.
[FONT="Palatino Linotype">[SIZE="3">I like for my FWB to be a little aggressive in bed once in awhile and he can't seem to understand what I mean either. It's not that I'm asking to get my ass beat or anything but it's more like me playing more of a submissive role and having your man take all the control and just do a little man handling is all.
Like if he wants you flat on your back he puts you there, or if he wants to take you from behind then he puts you in that position and takes you from behind. A little hair pulling, and I mean when you have long hair like I do and he wraps his fist up in it and pulls my head back and then puts his lips close to my ear and tells me exactly what he's gonna and wants to do to you and then proceeds to do it.
Wendy Peek ~ Dallas, Texas[/SIZE][/FONT]
Oh. Well, now we know.
What brought that on?