First thing i want to make clear is that i love my significant other more then anything in the world, i would never consider breaking up with her, i cant imagine my life without her, she does more for me then anyone ever could. she is also carrying my son dexter right now, due oct 30th 2011. we have been together for almost 2 years. obviously since the name of the site it sexinfo101.com my problem is sex related. in fact its the absence of sex is the problem. our sexual activity always seems healthy to me, in the beggining of the relationship we were having sex on a regular and frequent basis. and sex with her is amazing. the absolute best i have ever had hands down. (of the 4 girls i have been with in my life LOL)
i have always found the appearance of the vagina to be the most erotic and attractive part of the female body. i love everything about it, smell, taste, feel, god damn its just the best thing in the world, and she has the most attractive looking one i have ever seen in person or on video. as well as great tasting and easy to navigate during oral. giving oral sex is my favorite sexual activity, it provides greater gratification and sense of self worth to me then intercourse ever has. literally everything about my soul mates body is so attractive to me, experiencing sex with her basically turned me into a sex addict. especially the longer i go without sex, i think about it constantly it tears me up inside knowing it will not happen. especially for the lack of any obvious reason why we went from frequent sexual activity to very rarely and now its been non existant for months and months on end.
its confusing to me because she always claims that she still finds me attractive and i always gave her orgasms when we had sex. she has always reassured me that i have always satisfied her in spite of my own doubts of myself. i have a terrible self image and a lack of self confidence too. i have always struggled to find a way to initiate sex. i have tried to discuss our sex life with her and she just gets offended and tells me that it will happen when it happens and asking about it makes her want me less and less. i only tried discussing it with her months into my forced celibacy. she got so mad at me when we discussed it she just told me to jerk off or cheat on her if i wanted it that bad. i was appalled at hearing that. i would never ever in my life cheat on a girl it is one of the most morally wrong things i could ever see myself doing.
i even find it disrespectful to masturbate, which i have not done at all during my relationship with her. i have been completely celibate for 5 months now. what is even more shocking to me is she knows how important sex and physical contact is to me and yet she doesnt even seem interested in kissing me anymore. now i know because of the pregnancy she could just be hormonal and possibly ashamed of her altered appearance and agony i couldnt possibly understand what she is going through with the pregnancy, and that could be the reason for her dis interest in sex, but i dont think its an excuse for absolutely no physical contact greater then holding hands or hugging.
i have always gone out of my way to cater to her needs and wait on her hand and foot during this pregnancy to do anything she needs to make her more comfortable. but she doesnt seem interested in making the smallest sacrifice for me. i need sex to feel good about myself and trust me, the longer i go without sex the more paranoid i get about being cheated on and my already low self confidence and self image just goes even more in the toilet because of it. i have literally cried myself to sleep so many times because of her unwillingness to touch me in any way. im not even anything special at all in the bedroom. im not well endowed (6.75")and i have a huge problem with premature ejaculation i am completely disgusted with myself and with all of these issues i dont blame her not wanting me sexually. i constantly freak out in my own head about her not being satisfied with the size of my penis. she has told me in the past that her ex boyfriend was so much bigger then me and lasted a lot longer too. knowing she has had sex with a much larger penis then mine for longer then i can go just tears me up inside i cry about it sometimes. there isnt a day that goes by where i dont picture her with her ex and cant help but think my lacking equipment is the reason for my celibacy...
i just want her to explain what the reason is for her abstinence... i mean seriously how hard can it be for her to lay on her back for 5 god damn minutes and let me get off once in a blue moon? i would prefer being able to eat her out too but that would extend our love making time by at least 20 or 30 minutes as she takes forever to orgasm, really thats what i want more then having an orgasm myself is to know that i satisfied her and that she got off, well and yes intercourse would be amazing too i would love to orgasm for the first time in 5 months. my mouth is watering right now just thinking about it. and knowing it wont happen dashes my hopes so suddenly and makes me so sad.
every night its just silent prayer and hope that maybe tonight is the night she will finally be horny. she has made it clear that she would never have sex just for my benefit, she has to be in the mood herself. she wont even give me a hand job or blowjob, in fact she would never give me oral at all, she did it one time on my birthday and made it clear if i ejaculated in her mouth that she basically would break up with me lol. it was over laughably quick anyway, like she literally laughed at me i came so fast. it really hurt my feelings but theres nothing i could have done about it, it was the first and most likely last time i will ever receive oral sex. it was really nice though i wish i could experience it again.
i honestly dont know what to do about this, i have tried talking to her about it, of course in a respectful and calm manner, never trying to make her feel bad about herself or our sex life. she knows how important everything is to me and yet is unwilling to make a small sacrifice for me. im not asking for her to move a mountain, i am asking for sex maybe one or two times a month... doesnt even have to be intercourse either! i would take anything i could get... i know she doesnt like sex to seem like a chore, and definitely doesnt like talking about it like we are setting up a routine or something, but i dont know any other way to discuss it. and every time i try to initiate a sexual encounter she slaps or pulls my hand away... so theres no way i can initiate it myself.
i have been patiently waiting for her for months now to initiate it herself, which she says she wants to and that it will happen when it happens. but its not very fair to me to wear sensual underwear with a sexy skirt or tight fitting pants and basically torture and tease me every day. i constantly feel pressure and stinging in my testicles like i constantly have blue balls every day. it is a cumbersome and annoying amount of pain. she doesnt seem to care about this either. just simply tells me to wait or go masturbate. which i dont want to disrespect her like that nor would masturbation even fill the void of intimacy thats missing in my heart.
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i feel as if i have a serious and complicated issue and i have no idea where to even start dealing with it... i have not spoken to anyone about this other then my significant other, professional or otherwise (friends, forums etc) everything has been so stressful and confusing. i dont know what to do anymore so i thought i would reach out to a community for help. this is going to be a very detailed and intimate post, containing very personal information, all of which is extremely important to me. Please realize that this is a very serious matter to me and i am at my wits end, completely out of ideas to solve the problem on my own. i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this HUGE post and suggest any ideas as to a resolution. of course you can say anything you like, but if you choose to insult or criticize me please realize that i am a very sensitive person and i implore you to reconsider before attacking me personally. if anyone by chance needs more information (not likely haha) feel free to ask any question at all i will always be honest in my answer.
One thing confuses me: when did the difference actually start, can you narrow it down? You said it's been 5 months, but then you said it's been since before she was pregnant, but by my math she's 7 1/2 months along. Beyond that, a few bullet points:
**Refusal to communicate with you about it is a problem that bodes badly for the whole relationship.
**Have you communicated to her how hurt your feelings are about the thing with the ex and the laughing at your quickness to finish? The fact that you cry yourself to sleep at night?
**There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating. Many women can't even learn to orgasm without it, so why is it wrong for men to do it? If you're concerned about her feelings, do it when she's not around. But you've got to get yourself some release. If nothing else, it will help you wait for her to initiate.
**And you may need to do that. There's a school of thought that says you're making yourself too available to her. That the reason she doesn't crave it is because you can't build a craving for something that you can get as much of as you want, whenever you want.
**Another option would be for you to be persistent in your initiating. Start with a simple backrub, footrub, whatever, gradually advance it, and start pushing her never-fail buttons--I'm assuming you know those by now. For me there are three: a kiss to that spot on my neck, a gentle tickle just about anywhere, or flicking a nipple. If she pushes your hand away, go back and do it again until you build her desire to a point where she gives in to it. If she protests verbally, reply with the fact that you just want to make her feel good. (Caveat--give up when it's time to give up. After two years you know her well enough to know that signal.)
**But keep in mind, she may be concerned about positioning. Especially for receiving oral. On her back will likely cause back pain because of the baby, and she may fear riding your face because she's heavier now. Heck, all of this might be image-related because she's heavier now. She wouldn't be the first woman in the world to think that because she's now roughly the size of a Buick, she's less desirable to her partner and/or that sexual play will be more complicated.
**Also, at one point you mention having the kids around. This tells me Dexter is at least #3 for your household. And if you're both in your early 20's, the others running around can't be all that old. She may simply be an exhausted pregnant mommy who has no energy, sexual or otherwise, left by bedtime.
But my recommendation is to start with the release and the communication.
there has to be something i can do to get her interested in me. i buy her flowers and jewelry all the time and take her out to eat and movies and go to the beach, or romantic walks in the park. we spend quality time together all the time and cuddle all the time when watching tv while the kids are away or asleep. we never fight or argue about anything, other then celibacy our relationship is completely perfect. i do so much to try and manipulate things in my favor without seeming greedy or expecting intercourse to happen. i basically ignore it and do not seem clingy or demanding at all. i havent spoken to her about it in months and i havent done anything to appear like im whining for sex. even though i am falling apart on the inside i have literally thought countless times about suicide over the lack of sexual activity in my life. it means that much to me and i have expressed that to her before. but she doesnt seem to care.
she has the least interest in sex out of anyone i have ever met, and she has said in the past that since she cares so little about it that there is no reason why i should care so much about it, and acting like sex is no big deal would actually make her more interested. so i have tried everything i can to make it seem like i dont care about it hoping she will come around to initiating a sexual encounter... with obviously no success. she says that its just the pregnancy and that after dexter is born that our sexual activity will return to normal... but it wasnt even normal when she got pregnant in the first place? i dont know what she means...
i have always looked forward to pregnancy as a time where we could have all the sex we wanted and not had to worry about contraceptives, and i have heard from so many people that pregnant woman are usually extra horny all the time... well not the case for me. i have always dreamed of this time in my life where being in my early 20s i should be having all the sex i can handle. i dont want to come to the realization that my sexual life is over at 23... i have always thought now should be the most sexually exciting period in my life, i have the rest of my life to be celibate, i dont want that time to already be here. it makes me want to cry thinking about it that way.
i have done what seems like everything i can do to get her to have sex with me. i am at the point where i am either going to kill myself over it or just give up in general and live a life devoid of sex and enjoyment. i love this girl for so many reasons she gives my life meaning to exist. outside of sex we have fun every day and get each other very well, and not to mention we have a family together. i would do anything for my family and knowing that they need me i wouldnt ever end my life dont worry, even tho i have thought about it a lot i wouldnt ever do it. i wont have dexter grow up not knowing his father or having someone there to be his dad.
im at the point where i guess i should just give up i am pleading with you guys to give me some ideas to entice my girl to be sexually active again. i love her so much i cant imagine life without her i just want sex so bad at the same time there has to be something i can do within moral boundaries that will satisfy every party involved. i applaud anyone who read the entire post, thank you for spending a decent amount of time analyzing some random persons life in order to extend a helping hand. any help is appreciated im at a loss right now...
OK, you are a bit more graphic and desperate than some but are posting an age old issue. There are likely more than a dozen threads on this exact topic over the years.
Sex is often a symptom and not the real problem. In your case it looms much larger in your head than the manifold other indicators that are being transmitted to you. You will not get through this alone, at least not as a healthy couple. You two need couples counselling, a marriage therapist, to help you identify why you are together and what each must do to keep the other. Or, alternatively, help you two reach the conclusion about coming apart.
Find out what counselling services are available to you and the two of you get cracking. You will be parents in a few months and you can believe that that will introduce all sorts of interesting additional stresses in each life involved and in the relationship.
I have had two children and during my pregnancies if you had said anything about sex to me I would have done something gruesome to you. Far from being 'extra horny' - I was violence waiting to happen. Hormones are the most powerful concoctions in the human body so when they drive there is no arguing possible.
My husband, being of sound mind and body and wishing to remain in good health, calmly took it all in his stride recognising that my needs were greater than his.
Part of the problem with being pregnant is precisely this TOTAL LACK OF CONTROL over what your body does/wants/needs. Women spend a great deal of time previous to being pregnant making themselves attractive to men - being slender, being sweet-smelling, being fun and so on. And now here she is at 7 1/2 months feeling like she's wider than a double-decker bus with this huge belly, she hasn't slept right in months, she's uncomfortable almost all of the time and she has to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
She feels lumpen, tired, and ugly.
Part of the problem is resentment. There you are same as always, cute (etc.). She's grinding her teeth in frustration at the unfairness of it all. Then you come to her, while she's in this state, wanting sex and telling her how she needs to support your self-esteem. You are lucky to be alive. Some women have been known to blame their husbands "look what you have done to me".
But she doesn't want to open up and 'communicate' because the way she's feeling - she'll initiate World War III. All of her resntment and disgust will come pouring out. She doesn't want to do this BECAUSE she KNOWS all about your low self-esteem and does NOT want to bury you. Because she likes and loves you - she shuts up and keeps her mouth closed.
I strongly encourage you to seek counseling for yourself (for your low self-esteem) and then both of you go for couple's counseling - ALWAYS bearing in mind that a pregnant woman is NOT always a happy woman.
thank you for your quick replies and information. i appreciate it very much. to clear it up, i meant to say i have been completely celibate for 5 months, but the change in frequency of our sexual activity started around 9 months ago, a month or 2 before she got pregnant. it went from sex every day, then as time passes sex twice a week, then once a month, now its none at all. in the past year i would say we have had sex less then 5 times. dexter is my first child and her 2nd. (2 boys)
i have spoken to her about consulting, but she is one of the most stubborn girls i have ever met. she wont ever admit responsibility to a fault, EVER. when i suggested counseling, she just said that i should talk to a therapist to make me not care about sex as much rather then us both go to try and work out something that will make us both happy.
EvilEvilKitten, i have not spoken to her about this issue more then once since she has become pregnant. and when i did talk to her about it she was only one month along. i have shown her nothing but compassion and a helping hand during this pregnancy. casting aside my own needs just to make her happy in any way possible. now while i do agree that there is no way i could possibly understand what she is going through, i wish she would do something to make this easier for me. false hope or anything at all besides neglect would be nice.
but whatever i guess i shouldnt care so much about it... it literally sucks though
Look, I'm not blaming you - I am merely explaining what some, not all, woman feel.
Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will find value in participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home Page you will find even more information.
[QUOTE=xAbsolut Zero;273234][COLOR="blue">i feel as if i have a serious and complicated issue and i have no idea where to even start dealing with it... i have not spoken to anyone about this other then my significant other, professional or otherwise (friends, forums etc) everything has been so stressful and confusing. i dont know what to do anymore so i thought i would reach out to a community for help.[/COLOR]
Brandye has offered the best path for the two of you to take. The two of you need the help and guidance of a professional. The ol' adage that says "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is manifested here. Often, a woman will be unhappy yet not discuss what is bothering her. This is often the case with men who will clam up instead of talking about problems. This is where the guidance of a professional who also has insight can be of great help.
[COLOR="blue">this is going to be a very detailed and intimate post, containing very personal information, all of which is extremely important to me. Please realize that this is a very serious matter to me and i am at my wits end, completely out of ideas to solve the problem on my own. i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this HUGE post and suggest any ideas as to a resolution.[/COLOR]
This site's charter is offer and to provide help with regards to life, love, romance, sex, and, relationships. Much of the help provided is from the personal experiences and knowledge of others. We do not claim to have all the answers and this is why it has been recommended that the two of you work with a counselor. We understand that every question and concern is important.
[COLOR="blue">of course you can say anything you like, but if you choose to insult or criticize me please realize that i am a very sensitive person and i implore you to reconsider before attacking me personally. if anyone by chance needs more information (not likely haha) feel free to ask any question at all i will always be honest in my answer.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
Replies can be tough and straight to a point; although, it is important for you to understand that the members of our world-wide community of users who regularly offer help do so because they care. There is a difference between attacking what is being asked or discussed, and being critical of follow up responses, particularly when valid help has been suggested and the poster dismisses what has been offered.
[quote=][COLOR="blue">its the absence of sex is the problem. our sexual activity always seems healthy to me, in the beggining of the relationship we were having sex on a regular and frequent basis. and sex with her is amazing. the absolute best i have ever had hands down.[/COLOR]
A change in frequency or interest is usually an indicator of something wrong with the basic relationship; however, because your s/o is pregnant the possibility of a hormonal imbalance must be investigated. So too must her daily stress level and its cause.
It has been said that the presence of sex in a healthy relationship is only 10% of the reason; yet is a troubled relationship sex is 90% of the problem. If the two of you will not or cannot discuss the dynamics of your relationship and/or what each of you is dealing with on a daily basis, then this is another reason for seeking professional help.
[COLOR="blue">
i have always found the appearance of the vagina to be the most erotic and attractive part of the female body. i love everything about it...as well as great tasting and easy to navigate during oral.
[/COLOR]
I believe you are referring to the "Vulva" of which the vagina is but one component.
[COLOR="blue">i even find it disrespectful to masturbate, which i have not done at all during my relationship with her. i have been completely celibate for 5 months now.[/COLOR]
I'd think you'd be climbing the walls by now!
Disrespectful? Why? No, never.
Please read the article listed in the Index regarding masturbation. Man, you have this all wrong. Males of our species masturbate for two reasons:
1. To relieve pent up stress and tension
2. For the simple pleasure of it all
Masturbate all you want or need to. You cannot do it too much because at some point your body will simply refuse to respond and you will be forced to hold off for several hours until things return to normal. I just wrote a reply a day or two ago regarding the need to manage 1 and 2. Please find it and read it.
Making love and climaxing is separate and apart for masturbation even though the end result is the same. There is nothing wrong or inappropriate with making love and three hours later masturbating. Nothing at all!!
[COLOR="blue">
i just want her to explain what the reason is for her abstinence.[/COLOR]
This is a question for the therapist to pursue since she is not confiding in you.
[COLOR="blue">how hard can it be for her to lay on her back for 5 god damn minutes and let me get off once in a blue moon? i would prefer being able to eat her out too but that would extend our love making time by at least 20 or 30 minutes as she takes forever to orgasm, really thats what i want more then having an orgasm myself is to know that i satisfied her and that she got off[/COLOR]
20--30 minutes? How long do you generally devote to making love when you do make out with someone? If less than half an hour, this could very well be part of the problem because women require much more time than five "GD" minutes to work up an orgasm. Even though you can be UP and ready in a matter of minutes, not so most women. If you are rushing to the finish line, she may have shut down simply because you are not meeting her needs.
20--30 minutes of oral is way too much. I'm surprised she does not become sore, bored, and tired.
[COLOR="blue">maybe tonight is the night she will finally be horny.
she has to be in the mood herself[/COLOR]
What do you do to arouse her and set the mood? Do you plant the seed in the morning before leaving for work? Do you call during the day just to say "I love you" and nothing else? Do you hide a greeting card to be discovered sometime during the day?
Or, is making love simply a process of getting it on with little planning?
[COLOR="blue">i constantly feel pressure and stinging in my testicles like i constantly have blue balls every day. it is a cumbersome and annoying amount of pain.[/COLOR]
Answered, above.
[COLOR="blue">
she doesnt seem to care about this either. [/COLOR]
You need to find out one of two things: A) whether or not there is a hormonal problem; B) whether or not she is mad at some aspect of the relationship, you, or how you manage it. If it is not A, then B is her weapon of choice.
[COLOR="blyw">we spend quality time together all the time and cuddle all the time when watching tv while the kids are away or asleep.[/COLOR]
How many children, genders, and ages?
Is she a stay at home mom? Do you help out around the house doing whatever the work there is to be done?
i am at the point where i am either going to kill myself over it or just give up in general and live a life devoid of sex and enjoyment.
What will either accomplish when Brandye and I have asked that you find a therapist trained in marriage, couples, and family planning if necessary. If she refuses to go, then you go! If she refuses to go, you have part of your answer.
[/quote]
Please read every article listed in the Index and add the information to what you already know. Knowledge is empowering. I believe you will learn more than just a thing or two.
-doc
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
Please read every article listed in the Index and add the information to what you already know. Knowledge is empowering. I believe you will learn more than just a thing or two.
[/QUOTE]
i have lurked this site for a long time now just because my user name is new doesnt mean i am new to the info in these forums.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
How many children, genders, and ages?
Is she a stay at home mom? Do you help out around the house doing whatever the work there is to be done?
[/QUOTE]
we have a 4 year old son who is her natural child with another guy, and she is pregnant with my son right now. she used to work but quit almost 6 months into the pregnancy. although her income was trivial anyway i have always been the sugar daddy which makes me even more mad that i cant have the one thing i ask for to make me happy even though i work hard every single day to make sure we dont loose our home and she always has food to eat. even after a long days work from a never ending work week (i work 7 days a week 2 jobs) i do laundry, dishes, garbage, tidy up the place, take care of our sons needs... pretty much anything you can think of i help with or just do outright to make life easier for her. especially because she is pregnant and more or less just likes to nap all the time.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
20--30 minutes? How long do you generally devote to making love when you do make out with someone? If less than half an hour, this could very well be part of the problem because women require much more time than five "GD" minutes to work up an orgasm. Even though you can be UP and ready in a matter of minutes, not so most women. If you are rushing to the finish line, she may have shut down simply because you are not meeting her needs.
20--30 minutes of oral is way too much. I'm surprised she does not become sore, bored, and tired.
[/QUOTE]
when i said 20 mins+ for oral on her that is on the high end of the spectrum but she claims oral sex is the only way for her to achieve orgasm and has always said i do it just right for her she claims to never get sore or bored... she always seems to be enjoying it making noise and faces that wouldnt make any sense to fake sense she doesnt think i can see her face when im doing it... in fact if i try to stop early she pretty much wont let me. so if she was getting sore why would she not want me to stop? i am never rough with her anyway i do my thing with my tounge on her clit and finger her at the same time(not always) but she seems to like that best. if i had anything going for me i would have thought it would be my oral skills. she always likes to have an orgasm first since it makes intercourse better. even though intercourse is always just for my benifit anyway since im so terrible at it theres no real enjoyment for either of us. i hate myself so much in that manner it makes me feel terrible about myself every single time. even with that fact i crave sex more then anything in the world. even though our sex is boring anyway, she doesnt really like trying new things at all... she does not do oral, ever. doesnt like doggie which is my favorite so i rarely get to do it. in fact she doesnt like a lot of positions... missionary and cowgirl are pretty much what she likes and trust me i have tried to open her mind and theres no convincing her to try something new. she would never in a million years try anal or anything exciting you could think of, including sex in nature or public. sex with her could be considered pretty boring to most, but it feels amazing and im addicted to it pretty much. i crave it all the time i dont even want to know what it would be like if it were more exciting lol
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
What do you do to arouse her and set the mood? Do you plant the seed in the morning before leaving for work? Do you call during the day just to say "I love you" and nothing else? Do you hide a greeting card to be discovered sometime during the day?
Or, is making love simply a process of getting it on with little planning?
[/QUOTE]
we always used to cuddle or lay together watching a movie and i would massage her or we would just stare into each others eyes and we would start kissing and one thing leading to another most of the time. but theres no way to do that because she pretty much hates kissing me now and always slaps my hand away if i try any of my moves that used to work 100% of the time in the past. i feel as if there is nothing i can do because she makes it impossible for me to initiate sex. the 5 times in the past year we have had sex were because it was an anniversary or something like that and she just took my hand and drug me to the bedroom. i have tried everything i can think of, candle light dinners, flowers, sweet talk, chick flick movies, romantic walks and sensual massage... nothing works for me anymore.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
Please read the article listed in the Index regarding masturbation. Man, you have this all wrong. Males of our species masturbate for two reasons:
1. To relieve pent up stress and tension
2. For the simple pleasure of it all
Masturbate all you want or need to. You cannot do it too much because at some point your body will simply refuse to respond and you will be forced to hold off for several hours until things return to normal. I just wrote a reply a day or two ago regarding the need to manage 1 and 2. Please find it and read it.
Making love and climaxing is separate and apart for masturbation even though the end result is the same. There is nothing wrong or inappropriate with making love and three hours later masturbating. Nothing at all!!
[/QUOTE]
masturbation has no appeal to me anyway, maybe it would if i had a fleshlight or something but i cant afford that. its really not an orgasm i crave, i want the physical intimacy with my girlfriend... it does more for me and my mental state then anyone can possibly understand. maybe masturbation would relieve some stress but it wont even come close to solving this problem for me. i pretty much am crawling up walls right now debating suicide over it...
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273255]
What will either accomplish when Brandye and I have asked that you find a therapist trained in marriage, couples, and family planning if necessary. If she refuses to go, then you go! If she refuses to go, you have part of your answer.
[/QUOTE]
as i have suggested it before i really dont think she will consider counseling, at least as a couple. she thinks im the one with the problem. maybe shes right but i dont see how celibacy is the answer.
theres no way that i can just give her an ultimatum or something have sex / see a therapist or we break up because she is so stubborn anyway she wouldnt give in to it she would just say okay fine then if sex is more important then time with me then so be it. and thats the last thing i want, i do not want to break our family up and i really would kill myself no question if i didnt have her or dexter in my life. and she knows this so even if i gave her an ultimatum she would see right through it and call my bluff. i really cant kill myself either im too afraid of what would happen to my family without me. but it would solve my problem thats for sure cuz i sure wouldnt care about sex if i was dead... i wouldnt have to deal with any of lifes crap i seriously hate almost everything about my life except for my family and companionship with my girl. without them i would not be alive hands down
[QUOTE=xAbsolut Zero;273256]masturbation has no appeal to me anyway, maybe it would if i had a fleshlight or something but i cant afford that. its really not an orgasm i crave, i want the physical intimacy with my girlfriend... it does more for me and my mental state then anyone can possibly understand. maybe masturbation would relieve some stress but it wont even come close to solving this problem for me. i pretty much am crawling up walls right now debating suicide over it...[/QUOTE]
Dear x,
I won't go and pretend to say that I have the answers. Not even that I can possibly understand what this means to you. But believe me when I say I can much vividly imagine what you're going through.
As both lnt and DD2 have mentioned; it is not disrespectful to your relationship to masturbate. It is beneficial; stress-relieve, pleasure, but may I also add that masturbation boosts hormones in your body that are related to healing? With every orgasm a blast of oxytocine is rushed through your body. And oxytocine is one of the most healing hormones of all.
Aside from all that, there's perhaps something more vital here. Masturbation is a way of self-loving. And loving yourself is essential to your life. We can only truly love another, when we have learned to love ourselves. Accept ourselves for who we are and appreciate ourselves. Being kind and forgiving towards any flaw we have. You're worth it. Believe me, I know what it means to masturbate and feel the lack of your lover, so badly it physically hurts. It takes time and patience, but I think you will find how "owning" your own sexuality can be freeing.
It also means you take responsibility for your own sexuality. Instead of making her responsible for your needs. She is very right in saying that two people should only have sex when both in the mood. You don't want her pity or her mercy, you want her love and desire.
And your lady could very well be feeling exactly the way EEK describes. No, you haven't heard wrong: some women do become very sexual in their pregnancy, particularly between 3-6 months pregnant (when the sickness is over and she's not too heavy yet). But this simply isn't something we can expect. It can even differ each pregnancy with the same woman. There's quite a chance she never expected it to be like this either.
Also; I want for you to hold still at this moment; you are about to become the father of a little boy named Dexter. Your son; who will need all your love, care and attention. A rite of passage that will transform you as a person. I see how you work hard for your family. Imagine how proud you will be as your lady is going through the most memorable moments of her life in birthing your baby. How proud you will be of Dexter with every step he takes in his life. And how you'd want him -I'm sure- to be proud of himself. Don't you think you should be proud of yourself, not only for having this family, but for simply being who you are?
She's already taking care of another person with every cell in her body. She can't make up for your self-esteem right now. She's got her body full and there's no more room. Her pregnancy is changing her body as a process of developing life. And at this moment; it could very well be that this pregnancy also stimulates the required change in you; developing and thriving, taking your life to another level.
Her condition excuses her from a lot of things. This does off course not mean that she can excuse herself from everything. But I would say you taking up counseling would be the first step. Regardless of whether she comes with you or not. You owe it to yourself. I do hope she will come with you, eventually. Perhaps if she were to see it as beneficial for you as a family together. As DD2 is mentioning; she seems to not be confiding you in what's troubling her. You can only support her truly, if she can share. Perhaps if you'd take the emphasis away from sex in itself, but in terms of your relationship and family, you could persuade her.
Those are very honest posts you've written. You should be proud of that! Your rollercoaster of emotions becomes clearly visible. If you find yourself a good counselor and present them with the information you did for us -read it to him/her out loud if you'd like- I'm sure this person will be able to help you on your way to love, appreciate and respect yourself in every way you are.
I hope this post will be in some way helpful to you. Best wishes!
that was a very inspiring post i appreciate your input RedRoses.
honestly my mind is so messed up from emotional abuse during my life i would be suprised if i ever had any self esteem or confidence at all, ever. sure counseling would be awesome but i highly doubt that i could afford it financially. like i said i cant even afford a damn fleshlight on our tight budget which could make this whole situation a lot easier :P so counseling is most likley a pipe dream at this point which sucks because every single person has told me to get it.
i wonder what people would have said if i never said she was pregnant... seems to be an ultimate defense for anything... especially since this problem has been occuring since before she was pregnant and will most likely continue after she has dexter. but i was already expecting months of celibacy after the baby is born anyway because of the damage to her body and the obvious newborn to attend to. i guess i was just getting my hopes up that i might have been able to have sex one last time before she was too pregnant or post pardom... only to be let down and depressed more then usual which is a lot. i usually dont come online looking for advice especially with personal problems but i dont even care anymore i wanted to rant and get a lot of it off my mind for a little while and see what people thought, if i was crazy like she says or if she was at fault. but little did i know pregnancy trumps everything. i just didnt want to face the reality that my sex life was actually over at 23... i guess i will save up for a fleshlight and keep doing what ive been doing, waiting patiently for her to come around...
i am very greatful to everyone in this nice online community for helping me
honestly i dont even know if anything is troubling her, i have always thought she just doent find me attractive anymore or isnt satisfied with me or both... and she will never have sex just to make me happy. i didnt think i would ever want her to do that either but i would take anything now. she wont ever admit to it most likley in fear of me breaking up with her because then the money will stop rolling in. i never thought i would be in this situation this early in my life thats the most depressing part of it.
Yes, pregnancy does trump everything, but you need to figure out how to not take that as a personal affront, cuz it ain't your SO doing anything to you on purpose. This pregnancy has trumped her whole body, biologically speaking. Every bite of food she consumes, all her energy, her blood, everything, goes to provide for Dexter first. It's all about him. Then your SO gets whatever he leaves left over. That's simply how a pregnant body works.
You have a lot of anger and resentment built up toward your SO, over a lot of different issues. "Sugar Daddy" is not a phrase most men would use to describe themselves unless they're p***ed about it. I also have to say that generalities like "s/he always" and "s/he never" are rarely accurate. Although, having said that, pregnant women can tend to nap a lot. If her job ended a month and a half ago there may be some depression/stress from that. And, I don't know (nor do I need to) what the custody situation is with the 4 year old, but if he's with you two while you're at work, I guarantee you your SO ain't sitting on her azz during that time.
I'm not criticizing, I'm just telling you what I see.
Between the pent up resentment and the childhood emotional abuse you mentioned in one of your most recent posts, I really think some counseling would be great for you. You said you work two jobs, if either of them includes health benefits, you should investigate whether those benefits cover mental health services.
Wait. I'm a little lost...
Your angry because your PREGNANT SO doesn't want sex and won't just get you off?
I'm just going to say, pregnant women are more unstable than a guy on roids. In fact id rather be in a house with a juicer that is out of protein, than with a pregnant woman. I've had them go from "I feel so fat" *cry hysterically* to "I'm pregnant and beautiful" *rage at me because I didn't automatically jump and say your skinny and beautiful*. And that was just a friend, not a SO with my future child.
> i would be suprised if i ever had any self esteem or confidence at all, ever. sure counseling would be awesome but i highly doubt that i could afford it financially.
"Where there is a will there is a way."
1. Speak to a minister about available counseling resources
2. Talk to you local city/county health department(s)
3. Talk to family services
4. Speak to your doctor regarding resources
Many communities have counseling resources available on a pay as you can basis ranging from free or nearly so, on up.
If you have looked thru the Index, you likely found the section on Pg. 2 concerning Family Matters. There are two posts listed there regarding confidence and esteem for starters.
> counseling is most likley a pipe dream at this point which sucks because every single person has told me to get it.
You won't know unless or until you try. I've given you an action plan.
> honestly my mind is so messed up from emotional abuse during my life i would be suprised if i ever had any self esteem or confidence at all, ever.
So, are you going to take charge of your life and do something or just talk about it?
> i wonder what people would have said if i never said she was pregnant.
We would be addressing the same problems: Your past that seems to be governing your present; her possible unhappiness with the relationship as it is; third, possibly being overwhelmed; fourth, an apparent lack of empathy; fifth, apparent lack of interest in participating in partnership obligations.
> honestly i dont even know if anything is troubling her,
Apparently, something is. People do not withhold sex in a happy and satisfying relationship. Keep in mind, relationships should be partnerships. Partnerships are where two people work together for a common goal.
Relationships are formed when two autonomous adults each with a past choose to join forces in order to have a future that is greater than the sum of its two parts. That this is not happening is a indicator that something is not right. Your task as guide is to discover what and if this means finding a counselor who will work with you, you do it in order to find answers and solutions.
> i have always thought she just doent find me attractive anymore or isnt satisfied with me or both.
Perhaps, perhaps not. Who can say at this point but her and she's not talkin'. Why?
More than likely "attractive" is not the issue, at least not physical attraction if this is what you are concerned about. Attraction has more to do with personality and behavior.
> and she will never have sex just to make me happy. i didnt think i would ever want her to do that either but i would take anything now.
People do this all the time when one partner is tired, worn out, busy. A "Quickie" can be handled in minutes and without much if any effort on the giver's part.
Lastly, making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. While couples can and do engage in sex for sex sake--making love is all about the outward expression of the love each has for the other. Please do not confuse the two, something guys can do a lot because it is in our DNA to be able to separate sex and pleasure (read: masturbation or being lovingly "serviced") from making love. Women find this nearly impossible to do. If done, it is done with much more of a break to the psyche, something that guys do not naturally understand.
So, does this answer your question about what we'd be discussing on your behalf if you had not mentioned the pregnancy?
-doc
Not an expert by any means but I am curious as to whether the pregnancy was planned or a surprise. If it was a surprise there are a host of emotions that she may be trying to sort out. And let's face it, she is pregnant. I know there are women that desire and enjoy sex while pregnant, but I can honestly say that I have never met one. Any sex that my wife and I had while she was pregnant can be chalked up to her being a damned good sport.
I would seek counseling for myself and certainly invite her to join you. But I don't feel that her lack of interest is abnormal given what she is experiencing.