[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Health, [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Naked Truth: Why Women Shrug Off Lousy Sex[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]By Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience Senior Writer[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]posted: 24 October 2010 09:57 am ET[/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=+0][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][url=http://www.livescience.com/health/women-sexual-dysfunction-distress-1010... Truth: Why Women Shrug Off Lousy Sex | Sexual dysfunction | Female sexual satisfaction | Female sexual desire | LiveScience[/SIZE][/FONT][/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][/SIZE][/FONT][/SIZE][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Your girlfriend isn't satisfied in bed. Does it matter? [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]For some couples, the answer might be a resounding yes. But for many women, a lack of sexual desire or pleasure isn't worth getting worked up about. Studies find that while one-third to nearly one-half of women report sexual function problems, only about 10 percent are worried about those troubles. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Unsurprisingly, the 10 percent of women who experience both problems with desire and [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]stress about sexual function have received the bulk of the research attention - they're the ones with real problems, after all. But studies on the happily dysfunctional might provide hints into the factors that influence sexual distress. (The results could also give these women a hint of what they were missing.) [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]"We've assumed for so long that for both men and women, these problems were always depressing," Kyle Stephenson, a University of Texas at Austin doctoral candidate in psychology who recently published a paper on the topic, told LiveScience. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]When survey data proved that notion wrong, Stephenson said, the question became, "What happens within the confines of a sexual relationship that makes these problems so distressing you want to seek treatment?" [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][Related: [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]5 Myths About Women's Bodies] [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]The dysfunction gap [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Sexual problems are common in both genders. A 1999 study of [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]sexual dysfunction in the United States, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men reported sexual problems. It's the flavor of those problems that tends to differ, said Sheryl Kingsberg, a psychologist at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]"For women, the biggest problem is going to be desire," Kingsberg told LiveScience. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Men, on the other hand, tend to experience problems with the plumbing: premature ejaculation in young men and erectile dysfunction in older men. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Compared with the stew of physical, psychological and cultural factors that make up desire, erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are a breeze to treat. The common male problems are also easier to diagnose. Want to have sex but can't maintain an erection? That's erectile dysfunction. Don't have the desire to have sex? Well, maybe you're tired. Or stressed. Or in a bad relationship. Or experiencing medication side effects. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Compounding the confusion is the fact that [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]women's subjective experiences of sex may not match up with their physical sexual response. A 2008 study of more than 31,000 women, published in the journal Obstetrics and Gynecology, found that while 43 percent of women reported having sexual problems, only about a quarter cared. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]And female patients and doctors don't always agree on sexual setbacks. For instance, researchers found that 10 percent of the 436 English women (ages 35-59) studied felt they had sexual problems. However, as reported in 1988 in the British Medical Journal, a third of those didn't meet the researchers' criteria for sexual dysfunction. (That study found that overall 33 percent of participants met criteria for sex problems.) [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]A similar result popped up in 1998, when a study published in the journal Family Practice reported that 39 percent of the female respondents were interested in seeking help for their sexual problems, but only half of that 39 percent actually had problems by the researchers' reckoning. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Putting sex in context [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Part of the reason dysfunction and distress don't match up, said Leonard Derogatis, the director of the Center for Sexual Medicine at Sheppard Pratt Health System, is that the average woman's sexual desire is [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]more contextual than a man's. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]"Women might be having sex for a dozen different reasons, only one of which might be that it feels good and is satisfying," Derogatis told LiveScience. "It's a path to intimacy, it's a path to fulfilling a role of the woman or wife, it's a means to keeping her partner happy, and on and on." [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]That context is what Stephenson and his co-author and adviser, UT Austin psychologist Cindy Meston, were interested in investigating. They asked 200 heterosexual undergraduate women to complete questionnaires about their relationship quality and sexual satisfaction. The results, published in August in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, suggest a woman's approach to relationships, as well as her level of intimacy with her partner, influence how distressing she'll find sexual problems. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]The researchers went into the study predicting that in intimate relationships marked by trust and openness, sexual problems would be less distressing. That turned out to be true only to a point, Stephenson said. Only women who were anxious about their attachment to their partners found intimacy soothing in the face of sexual dysfunction. In women with secure attitudes about their relationships, [URL="http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/livescience/sc_livescience/storytext/na..."]extra intimacy didn't help. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]It may be that women who are anxious about their relationship are so relieved to have intimacy, they ignore problems in bed, Stephenson said. The women who are secure, on the other hand, might put a higher priority on sex. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]When the researchers set aside other sexual problems and looked at low sexual desire alone, however, they found that intimacy did protect against distress. That could be because women in intimate relationships are experiencing closeness in nonsexual ways, Stephenson said, or it could be that when they tell they're partner they're not in the mood, he's more understanding. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Stephenson is now collecting preliminary data to try to understand what happens on a case-by-case basis when a woman has problems with sexual functioning. Does her partner get frustrated? Do they end up having less sex? And how are those consequences tied to her experience of distress? [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]"It's all speculation at this point," Stephenson said. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[LIST][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]
[*][URL="http://www.livescience.com/health/090409-top10-sex-statistics.html"]10 Surprising Sex Statistics
[*][URL="http://www.livescience.com/health/human-brain-gender-differences-100820...."]10 Things Every Man Should Know About a Woman's Brain
[*][URL="http://www.livescience.com/health/10-surprising-sex-stories-100330.html"]10 Surprising Sex Discoveries[/SIZE][/FONT]
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I suffered from depression/anxiety for many years which affected my sexual urges.I was tired,irritable and had a low opinion of myself.I hated my body and didn't think i was sexually attractive to my husband.He wasn't very supportive at the time and just got angry when i refused his advances.Unfortunately he turned his attention to our young daughter,and i still feel guilty an d responsible for his actions.I was also sexually abused as a child and this definitely has affected my sex life a great deal,as i was always afraid to show my pleasure,and couldn't bring myself to orgasm as a result,so it is definitely true that women do suffer some sexual dysfunction as a result of emotional or physical abuse,and this could probably be the same for many men as well.
Actually, there are sound reasons why women shrug off bad sex and don't show desire - and most of them are SOCIETAL/CULTURAL rather than inherent to the gender.
1. She's not Barbie - poor body image
2. She's not a slut - taught sex = dirty (etc.) and promiscuity is bad
3. She's suffered abuse - the ultimate betrayal
But most men don't listen and she's giving up trying to tell him - why waste her breath? She needs that breath for faking it.
"Lie back and think of England."
My x-wife was one of the women who had no nurtering skills or desires. Everything was always about her. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen. In fact, it was the reason for our divorce and our two younger boys stayed with me and I raised them with nurturing.
I do remember that I thought she lost her sex drive and later learning it was because she didnt feel good about her body (she actually had a great body). I never thought of her as dealing or shrugging off bad sex. I assume that was ecause in the bedroom, I put women on a pedistal. It is all about the woman for me. I worked and worked and she would just lie there. Thinking back and now typing it, this fits right in to her personality, "It's all about me"
[QUOTE=goinsouth;261088]My x-wife was one of the women who had no nurtering skills or desires. Everything was always about her. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen. In fact, it was the reason for our divorce and our two younger boys stayed with me and I raised them with nurturing[/QUOTE]
Goinsouth, all I can say is: Great job! :) I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you two, after all: there once was a reason you married. Divorce is such a difficult time, esp for kids. Beautiful how you were able to provide them nurturing!
About characteristics; Personally, I wouldn't regard any characteristic as essentially wrong or right. There's always the potential for it to be positive :) It's the mix, the doses, the purpose, etc. Think of loving and kind that is usually perceived as positive, yet could leave you prey for those with bad intentions. Think of aggressive and dominant that is usually perceived as negative, yet could safe lives when used for protecting another. Vulnerability is usually perceived as weak, yet could become your greatest strength.
Sometimes our strength becomes our weakness and vice versa. I'd say our personality is "under fire", "under repair" and "under construction" till the day we die.
I'd like to point out another perspective, let's add this up:
"Studies find that while one-third to nearly one-half of women report sexual function problems"
+
"For women, the biggest problem is going to be desire,"
= (dramatizing the result a bit) up to half the women are experiencing problems with desire
Iow: the most frequent problem is a mood, a mindset, that in most cases does not prevent the physical act.
The setting of the "norm"
This makes you question the norm these women are trying to meet. Apparently not from the women themselves...
Maybe an odd comparison: in the educational system, when about half the students aren't able to reach the norm (iow "sufficient" result) the test was clearly to hard. Mind you: I'm not trying to compare sex to "tests", yet we all know that socially people tend to do seek for "norms" on what's normal or problematic.
So if up to half the women are experiencing problems with sex, than probably the "norm" of what is considered "appropriate sexual desire" to these women is too high. Where did the norm come from?
A male norm? Meeting your partner's desire
I'd say that women try to match their partner (iow: men) on sexual desire and more clearly the result: sex.
So these women do indicate there is a problem, whenever they don't match their partner.
Possibly; their men indicate a problem when there's to little of the result. And they want to know why that is....
A female norm? "F for **** & Fake"
But: whenever these women talk to their girlfriends, there's probably a whole bunch (given statistics) of them experiencing about the same problem with sex. So why should these women be bothered? When there's the solution of simple providing their partner with the result? Instead of addressing the desire-issue, it's covered with the warm thought of how some problems are just there and need to be lived with.
Only when it really "hurts" there's a problem... In fact: I'm guessing that most of the 10% of women that are bothered are experiencing sexual dysfunction that includes pain, making the result of sex unbearable.
Conclusion: the result counts!
So: the problem of low desire exists compared to male standard,
but it's not that big of a problem compared to women standards.
The perspective of the problem therefor shifts to the result: sex.
Though the desire-issue exists, women can provide sex.
If that solves the problem fine.
If he wants to see her enjoying, okidoki then: just fake it.
Whenever women find it no issue to have sex without desire, the world is "happy"... Isn't it? :(
In my opinion; keeping up this negative spiral will most definitely result in the killing of any desire left in a woman....
Why, Why, Why?!
And where did this way of thinking come from?
Why don't these women stand up for themselves?
Why don't these women think they deserve to be the ones setting the standard?
Why aren't they eager to find out why don't they feel the desire, when their bodies display it?
EEK pointed the answers out quite nicely :)
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;261068]Actually, there are sound reasons why women shrug off bad sex and don't show desire - and most of them are SOCIETAL/CULTURAL rather than inherent to the gender.
1. She's not Barbie - poor body image
2. She's not a slut - taught sex = dirty (etc.) and promiscuity is bad
3. She's suffered abuse - the ultimate betrayal
But most men don't listen and she's giving up trying to tell him - why waste her breath? She needs that breath for faking it.
"Lie back and think of England."[/QUOTE]
And may I add
4. the nurturing nature of women; taking care of their partner's needs before they take care of themselves.
5. society's obsession with "result" instead of our intrinsic experience
6. the way women have been "enslaved" for centuries by men. It was up to the '70s in Holland that it was a compulsory part of a wedding to promise obedience to your husband! Now that it's gone from the marital contract, but how long will the deeply embedded attitude in generations of women last?
RR, even the idea that women are natural nurturers smacks as sexism because, of course, there are lots of women who simply aren't.
The truth is always SOME women are x and SOME women aren't.
EEK and others; apologies regarding "nurturing nature". I realized my bad choice of words as I typed ;) And I thought I had edited this, but apparently didn't safe this correctly....
What I would have liked to point out was the nurturing tendency in women; as so often perceived, also by research. The origin of such behavior, still on debate. Not saying "all", but regarding a tendency of how women seem to act in a different way then men...
After all; It is the goal of research to observe tendencies developing in society. Especially in the field of human behavior it will not be possible to talk of "all" women/men/etc. Just like any respectable researcher will never state his/her research as being the "truth". But this sort of research helps us understand the world a bit better. Can open eyes shut. And even spin off into initiating change! And I hope it will :)
Yes, which is the reason I have trouble with using such terms as "deserve" and "entitled" because, of course - we really aren't.
The difficulty with such studies as this one is that women are so very good at HIDING - they've had to you know - why they do what they do. Your wife's lack of nurturing ability could have been a mask for something else.
I'm sure that most women shrug off lousy sex because that's all they've ever gotten and since they don't really know through lack of any extensive experience they just live with it. You can't ask for what you don't know.
This was a good post and will be handy to refer some women. Itis actually a journalists quite well done compendium of many studies. The degree of sexual dysfunction inwomen shown does not surprise anyone who has treated women in many contexts - I am not a gyn but do have a mostly female practice when out of the surgery. Simlarly, the rate of women who really do not care is not surprising. Many of us are not sexually satisfied but do not really care! Not much help to be given.
The surprise for me was the number of women apparently seeking help who were rejected by therapists. They seem to have been told that they really did not have a problem. One possible explanation for that is in true scientific studies there is a rigid protocol regarding who or what conditions qualify to test the null hypothesis of the study. They would be rejected as study subjects and I cannot argue with that.
From the article, it sounds as though women seeking clinical help (not as part of studies) were being rejected at a rather high rate because they were not "serious enough." That, I do not understand. If a woman is seeking elp, she should get it.
Remember that 100 years ago woman who experienced "sexual tremors" (orgasms) were considered to have emotional problems! Women were expected to endure sex, not enjoy it. Some of our grandmothers were taught in that fashion, as were some of my professors in med school. It takes a long time for social mores to change. There are still many women who are raised to not expect sex to be pleasant, and, by god, it is not!
I have had, in one day, two patients expressing: 1. Thank god I am pregnant; no sex for almost a year! and, 2. Thank god I am pregnant, I can screw every day and not worry!
I have one woman patient who expresses complete satisfaction with her sex life and shows up religiously for her annual diaphragm fitting and pap smear. Her husband, who is a "friend" of mine, describes the sex life as once in the middle of each month, she will ask him to wash the dishes while she "tidies up." She then reappears in a flannel night gown and beckons him to bed in a dark room. They grope briefly, she asks him in and that is it for another month. He has not, in almost thirty years, ever seen her naked. She always reaches orgasm and is quite pleased with her sex life. He, not so much.
This rather illustrates the different expectations we have, among women and between women and men, of what sex is all about.
I wish more of the younger members would participate in this thread rather than worrying about the inconsequentia that is in many threads.
[QUOTE=Brandye;261137]From the article, it sounds as though women seeking clinical help (not as part of studies) were being rejected at a rather high rate because they were not "serious enough." That, I do not understand. If a woman is seeking elp, she should get it.[/quote]
That's such sad news! :( Taking the step to seek help is usually a big one. Esp considering an intimate area. I'd say most of the women you send home like that are very likely to not return and will just "live with it". Although sadly, I must say that these sort of things show up more often in our caresystem... Saddest phrase I ever heard "Look, mam, I'm seeing ... patients a day, now do you really think this is THAT important? [short pause] So: Is it livable? Because if it is, I don't see why we should make such great effort to alter the situation". Such comments totally throw you of and you simply go home... I had to come back in the middle of the night about a week later in this specific case, but unless there's such emergency, people just won't.
[QUOTE=Brandye;261137]Remember that 100 years ago woman who experienced "sexual tremors" (orgasms) were considered to have emotional problems! Women were expected to endure sex, not enjoy it. Some of our grandmothers were taught in that fashion, as were some of my professors in med school. It takes a long time for social mores to change. There are still many women who are raised to not expect sex to be pleasant, and, by god, it is not![/QUOTE]
Reminds me of the term "hysteria", used around 1900 whenever a doctor needed it for any women expressing "abnormal" symptoms to any sort of stress... Doctors would also "treat" these women by clitoral stimulation and give them these tremors, so that they'd overcome their hysteria. Can you imagine?! That had nothing to do with sex. Well, the good news would be that we owe the vibrator to that :) By using a vibrator a doctor could do a lot more appointments; rates went up from 1 to 6 patients an hour. When it became for sale on the public market, the devices were soon used just as creative. Leading it to disappear underground in the 1920's, only to reemerge in the 60's when pleasure of sex for women became not only a "hot item" but also a right to fight for (source of this info: [url=http://www.mailfemale.com/salon/over-seks/vibrator-historie]Mail & Female Salon, only in Dutch helas)
Well all I can say is: that battle is clearly not over! Let's help our sisters! Brothers most welcome too :)
Help our sisters?!?!
I'm trying to help!!! Really, I am!!
It is an uphill battle however. About age 13 or so, girls lose their egos somewhere and start on the path to 'normal femininity': playing games, doing the mixed signal and the "I'm a good girl' thing, being shy, etc and so forth - it makes me a bit testy.
ALAS!
So many 'deserving' targets and so few bricks!
EEK, I wouldn't doubt you are trying to help. You're doing a great job here at the forum for one thing. And you did great with your kids, didn't you? Well then, each little step is one. So; just keep up the good work, sister! Eventually, we'll get there :)
I 'pose but this waiting is killer.
People: stop standing on your brakes!