Boy, this is a tough situation. As posted above, your wife has been clear what she wants or is willing to do. Since the communication in this issue doesn't seem to be moving forward, I'd think having a professional help things to move forward would be a good idea. Interview some counselors. Make some appointments and try to get your wife to attend. No with the purpose of getting her to be more interested in sex but to get more open communication between the two of you. I think most reasonable people would agree that better communication would be a plus.

Something that was helpful in my current relationship, just before the birth and in the months after our son was born was to masturbate in bed with my wife holding me and kissing me, etc. There were times that she would be the one manipulating me. There were also time were I made myself cum and she held and caressed me. That did help me feel more connected to her. I'd have a hard time hearing at the end of the day, "I'm tired", "I have a headache", or whatever day after day. Down days happen, but if it were a constant issue, that would feel very disconnecting to me.

I have found that in my own life, I can only change one person. That would be me. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. I couldn't make sex unimportant for her. She couldn't make sex more important for me. She could give me the quantity that I said would make me happy. But I didn't feel that I had the quality I needed. What I found for me, with the help of a counselor after my marriage had ended, was that I wanted to control my wife in the way she interacted with me. And she was trying to control me and the way I interacted with her. All of that was played out in the bedroom. But it was in other aspects of our life together.

I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make your situation better. I can remember being in a place were I desperately wished that I had a lower sex drive and feeling bad about myself because I didn't and it was adversely effecting my marriage. My first marriage was good but not great. But I didn't want my marriage to fail. I understand that you love your wife and don't want to break up your family. I would highly recommend that before you go outside your marriage (unless your wife agrees to that) you either live with the way things are happily (I was unsuccessful at that) or end the marriage and find a partner that you would be compatible with to be happy. If you live any unhappy life with your wife, you'd be teaching your daughter that a "normal" marriage is unhappy. Good luck with your situation.

Belfast - well, that puts a different spin on things. Orange or green or did you two do the 'stripe' thing? I ask because it MIGHT matter.

Be careful when choosing your counselor. You want one who is smarter than both you and your wife. Also, make sure your counselor has both feet firmly on the ground - sex is NOT the enemy here and a sex life that meets the needs of BOTH makes for a vibrant and happy marriage.

Sex= a glorious conflagration of souls joyously reaffirming life itself

All you have to do is find a counselor who agrees with that definition and will work with you both - effectively. Re: your wife: Be aware that you're in for a long-haul fight as policies deeply entrenched do not give up easily.

Good luck.

I wasn't trying to say you didn't "love" her.

I put "love" in " " because I find people to think that love conquers everything and that being in love means a bad sex life is ok. Its kinda like an "excuse".

Your wife sounds like she has some pretty messed up views on sex. Either a sexually abusive event in her life, or an overly strict upbringing (most likely with some major religious background)

Your not going to change anything by going to counseling by yourself. You give her an ultimatum. She attends or signs divorce papers. Many people don't realize how important their sex life is in a marraige. It isn't until they are in your position that it all comes to light.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles... If you'll allow me, I'm going to break this down and put a few thoughts in this post. I hope this doesn't come down to harsh. Please keep in mind that I mean well.

Basically; she was always like this. And she kept her promise of more sex after marriage. She didn't even lie about that. So from that point of view; she hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't changed. Off course she hasn't! We can't expect people to do so.

I'm going to stick with that point of view a little longer. Through those eyes; it's also not that weird that your suggestion of counseling didn't go down well. It may feel as an attack; as if there's something wrong with her. Almost everyone on this planet will jump like a scared horse, when they are happy minding their own business like they always do and suddenly hear a "bang". Even if the "bang" wasn't intended to scare and isn't real danger.

So, now: back to you. You love her, which I grant means: you want the best for her. I don't know how you put it the first time you talked to her, but you may want to fly it down this route. You want the best for, a joyful life for both of you. Ask her how she feels about your relationship. What makes her happy? Are there things that trouble her? Make clear that counseling is not for the crazies. It's to get things more clear on your own strength. The counselor is just there to pose questions to make it more obvious. After she's told you how she feels, tell her how you feel in a calm way; the good and the bad. Keep it to "I feel" and not "You do this to me". You seem like an honest, nice and sensitive person (No. Not girlie at all. It's terrible to feel that way! And you're brave for acknowledging how you truly feel). Personally; I'd go to counseling in a heartbeat if my man would tell me what you've told us.

I agree with Ducy on how she probably has a history. Especially how you describe her response to oral sex. It seems like she's afraid to enjoy it. Mind you; it may be very hard for her to change attitudes that have become so deeply branded. And also this will probably come with resistance.

So I find the counseling a good idea. For both of you, for her, even if you'd go alone. It could refresh your mind. After all; you seem to feel a need to arrange thoughts. And that's where these people help best! A tiny thing; by my experience it takes some shopping till you find someone with whom you feel you can talk freely and who works with you in a comfortable way. If she meets the counselor you've picked, she does not necessarily have to have a "click" with him/her.

If she keeps holding on to how she is perfectly happy with her life as it is and can't possibly imagine why it's not the same to you, then you could pull a card like Ducy suggests. I'd say; only to pull this card when you really feel like a deadline is appearing and you can't cross it. You're the only one who can decide when that is.

Why do I say this? Because the moment you pull the card "Or else: I'm leaving you" you've torn down the foundation of security in your relationship. That will certainly takes healing if this relationship does continue. On the other hand; it's unfair to pretend there is still security when there's not. Again; only you can decide what is relevant in this situation. They also call this "loving confrontation"; to make a partner see what (s)he has failed to see through every other approach (with emphasis on the latter)

Taking into account your daughter; this makes your situation even more so difficult. By your stroy; I take it that whatever happens you'll be there caring and being responsible for your daughter. True? Now there are just a few things. Children do suffer under parents that fight, feel unhappy and depressed. Children do suffer under parents that split up. Children thrive when their parents are happy and caring for them with love. From those 3 things, you may see that the situation that makes you most happy, will probably be best for your daughter as well. The difficulty remaining would be her mom's happiness that will surely affect your daughter as well. If your choice affect her mom negatively; you sadly can't control it all...

Last but not least; although I'd want to, I can't reassure you by saying you're right and she's wrong. I can't tell you you can blame her for "pushing you away". This may sound very harsh, but you've accepted a woman till death do you part. That you can't accept her behavior any longer, is not her fault. It doesn't mean you're a bad person either. It certainly does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself. Your sexlife is important and you shouldn't deny yourself that! It means you make the best possible decision, learn from past experience and live your life with joy. Whatever the best decision may be to you.

I hope things will work out for you. I wish you all the best of luck!

First I gotta say spell and grammar check because a few of your words don't make sense.

Secondly you fell for the biggest pitfall. Thinking sex would change AFTER you got married. It was dull to begin with. Why on earth would you think that legally binding yourself to someone would make her suddenly change and become a wild woman?

You need to lay it out straight. She should have a work up to see if there are any hormonal issues (as some people have whacky hormones which cause poor sex drives and also having the baby could throw them off as well.

If she's healthy then you need to visit a counselor. Get it worked out because if it doesn't it WILL end in divorce and if you struggle to "hold on" because you "love" her then it will be a MESSY divorce because you will find someone, a coworker, barista at a coffee shop, some woman who is a total tigress in bed and you will be unable to resist. Then suddenly your the bad guy for cheating rather than the husband who tried to make it work and it just didn't.

Hi,
First of all kids are a libido killer! Your wife is tired & stressed w/this new responsibility of a child. I was different however, I had a c-section & wanted my husband to fuck me right there in the hospital room afterwards. But then again I am very different than most woman. I'm eccentric & out of the box when it comes to sex. My husband is very normal so he was shocked at me wanting sex after a c-section. I was still Horney as I always was! I've always had a killer sex drive & so for me baby or no baby I was still interested in wild sex!
I would suggest to ask your wife & you to throw some creativity in there, spice it up! Have Her dress up like a parochial school girl coming to school & your the teacher, have her sit down & have no panties on, you pretend your the teacher behind the desk who gets a very hard cock in his pants, as you look at her pussy between her little legs. Then take it from there, ask her to stay after class, & then put her up on the desk lift up the back of her skirt & eat her anally & than up to her pussy, fuck her w/your tongue , then start on her clit & I guarantee you she will be so wild!! She. Will want to fuck you everyday!!
Be the aggressor, tell her how she teases you all day walking around the house, bending over & teasing your cock.
I hope this works out!
Anne

Anne your advice is not really...well...relelvant. HIS WIFE IS VERY VANILLA AND DOESN'T HAVE MUCH IF ANY OF A SEX DRIVE. You don't just tell her to dress up as a school girl and blah blah blah and bam alls good.

The sex was boring to begin with. She doesn't like oral. She does one position. She barely wants it. There is no way in hell she is going to dress up as a school girl and roleplay and let him eat her out if she refuses to get out of missionary.

You have a high sex drive and are more open. You have to think in terms of a narrow minded (most likely a "sex is only to make babies" type woman).

Please think a little more before posting. This advice would be great for an open minded couple suffering a lull...not for someone in this situation.