I have a low sex drive, and I am not big on being touched. The thing is, my husband has a rather high sex drive and wants to have frequent sex. He doesn't ask me to do anything I don't want to do, its just really obvious that he wants sex. For instance, he'll be waiting in the bedroom when I come out of the shower so he can hug me while I'm nude, then he'll back up so he can see my boobs for a few seconds before I put my bra on. He has told me several times that I give an amazing hand job. I use lotions and wear a device on my hand that makes it vibrate as I stroke him. But after a while, is even the best hand job good enough when I know he's longing to be inside me?
What else can I do to make him cum and give him the attention he deserves when I'm (more often than not) just not in the mood for sex?
alllllrighty then
Dear lunaloveg0od,
Just a first question about you: How do you feel about your husband doing that?
And: has your husband talked to you about what he'd like? Or what he doesn't like right now? I'm not a guy and I'm not sure about your man, but is his interest really "cumming"? Or is his interest more like that bit of close skin-to-skin-cuddles and contact? I know men are usually described as having their goals on sex and cum, but I don't like to generalize, so just asking. Perhaps he just likes those tiny moment just for how they are?
Key to everything in a relationship is communication. Sharing expectation, likes, dislikes, feelings, ect. It could really clear the sky. Talking about it doesn't solve everything, off course, but it really helps to understand each other :)
If you're asking if I mind it when he, well, "checks me out". No. I totally understand that he's just looking for a little attention. When he hugs me while I'm nude. I know he'd like to start something, but that he figures nothing will happen. That's why he steps back and looks at my boobs for a few seconds. At least he has the memory of it.
We've talked about this numerous times. The fact that I'm not a sexual person in general. Part of it is also that I've never found myself attractive. He actually had me in tears one time as he very gently and passionately told me "No matter what you think you look like, you're always amazingly beautiful and sexy to me. I love you. I love every inch of you." I mean seriously, guys are not known for talking like that. But I just don't feel very sexy.
Another thing is, I've done a few mildly sexual things, but I think I'm just teasing. For instance, if he's sitting down, I'll come over and sit on his lap and hug him. This lands his face squished between my boobs. But that's usually as far as I can go.
Don't get me wrong, we have sex. And I can tell you he's a tender yet passionate lover. Its just that the sex is infrequent. That's why I want to know if there's anything else I can do to give him some pleasure.
Okay, so you have identified your body issues and poor self-image.
How about your policies regarding sex itself? Do you see it as debasing, unnecessary, dirty, or otherwise negative?
Have you addressed this issue with your doctor? Men with low hormone levels feel no shame taking meds for this issue. I see no reason why a woman shouldn't also investigate what can be done. Acceptance is all very well BUT it can't hurt to look further.
You like orgasms. Why would you not want to have MORE of them?
Why not buy a sex doll? In a replacement for you when you're not in the mood.
Luna,
Please disregard the post immediately above. Not too insightful.
You do not state your ages nor the length of the marriage. Left to smoulder, this situation will only get worse and does not have a pretty long term logical outcome. The two of you are not working it out alone; it is time for some help. You need couples therapy, preferably with a qualified sex therapist.
Every relationship requires a balancing between two different sex drives. Yours is simply a greater difference than can be readily controlled. You are to be commended for trying to not leave him high and dry but you really do not want to be condemned to a life that will lead to gruding sex - on both sides. Get some help.
well, you could always try doing slight mouth teases if your just plain "not in the mood". It can really add to a hand job and also give you a chance to connect on a higher level.
To adress your other issue of "not finding yourself sexy", try this: you can have sex while wearing langere. I do this when I am feeling down on myself and it adds a little spice to the bedroom as well. For example: I own a lace semi-see-through top and I wear it during sex because I feel it hides the strech marks on my stomach. If your issue is with your legs, try thigh-high fishnets. I hope this all works out for you :-)
Stand naked next to your partner facing a mirror so you both can see both of you. Seriously, people - HOW you look isn't all THAT important.
WHO you are trumps HOW you look EVERY TIME.
[color=green]from a man's perspective
No matter how much he says he loves you, tells you that you don't have to do something you don't want to do, etc.....he really still wants to have sex with you and he does want you to do things that you normally don't do.....not just for cumming purposes, but for an emotional connection
it's already hard enough for men to express their feelings openly like women do, so we do it through sexual means......hand jobs are great and all, but soon enough he's going to get tired of this......i don't know about him, but for me, if i get rejected from sex for a period of time and constantly, i get really irritable when i don't mean to be that way.....my wife picks up on it and she makes it a priority to give me what i need.....so whatever she needs to do to get herself relaxed, worked up, or whatever to get herself ready for me, she does it......now she doesn't have to, but she understands that in times like that, submitting to me is what she has to do to not deprive me of my needs and to keep me from going off of the deep end
Anyway, alot of times, i feel like i express my emotions when we have sex/make love......the way i touch her, kiss her, even go down on her.......it's like i sometimes for the things that are hard for me to tell her, i show her in the bedroom
Come to think about it.....the way i view it when she goes down on me is that she's showing me that she appreciates me.....i'm allowing myself to let her be in control of me and trust her....and her getting me to the place i want to be makes me think damn, she really appreciates what i do for her to get me here
As for you not feeling sexy.....there is nothing really he can do about that.....if he's giving you compliments and you still feel that way, you need to do something about it.......live out a fantasy, workout, dress in something you feel sexy in like the other women said......or seek help....whatever it may be, you need to find yourself first before you can really tend to your husband.......but don't just talk about it and then become lazy about doing it because the more and more you neglect your husband, the more things will change over time......and things do change.....his whole attitude towards you can change....like i said, men associate sex with emotional connection, so not attending to his needs and giving him sex is like a big slap in the face and resentment sets in
check this article out...
[url=http://www.marriagemissions.com/sex-when-a-woman-doesnt-want-it/]SEX: When A Woman Doesn’t Want It | Marriage Missions International
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[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;261925]Stand naked next to your partner facing a mirror so you both can see both of you. Seriously, people - HOW you look isn't all THAT important.
WHO you are trumps HOW you look EVERY TIME.[/QUOTE]
[color=green]i second that!!
some of the most beautiful women i know are the biggest idiots in the world....i can't stand them if they aren't intelligent[/color]
And there are so-so women who can make a sewage treatment plant 'sexy' just by walking past it. Trust me on this - 'sexy' is NOT just about looks or figure. I may be tall and perhaps a bit cute but I am NOT 'all that' - but not one man on the planet will deny that I am 'sexy'. After all, I am a great cook!
EEK you are so right. I have never considered myself sexy or attractive,on the outside,but lately i have felt otherwise.I chat to people on the net(i'm single now)and they say i have a way with words and that attracts me to them.I've always loved writing, and i write erotic stories for my good friends, and i flirt and tease.These are the things that make me sexy and attractive to others.Even on the outside i have an ability to WOW.My ex husband loved my derrierre,what i thought fat and frumpy ,he found sexy and desirable,and my breasts also weren't up to my critique but he loved kissing and caressing them.Examine yourself in the mirror with your husband present and find the things about your body and personality that you both like.Ask him why he likes the things about you that he finds attractive and sexy.
[QUOTE=lunaloveg0od;260324] For instance, he'll be waiting in the bedroom when I come out of the shower so he can hug me while I'm nude, then he'll back up so he can see my boobs for a few seconds before I put my bra on. [/QUOTE]
This doesn't necessary mean he wants sex right there and then. I love seeing my wife totally nude before or after the shower each morning and I love to give her a full body hug and stare at her boobs. I doesn't mean I want to have sex right there and then.
[color=green]sorry to say but i'm the opposite.....when see my wife naked, the more i look, the more i want.......in her panties, it's the same.......when she wears clothes, it's the same......i sometimes have myself guessing what she's wearing under those clothes[/color]
I'd reco that you make an effort to step outside of your comfort zone Luna. It's impossible for you to say that you aren't a very sexual person, because deep down we are ALL sexual animals... Perhaps you just haven't figured out how to unleash your sexuality yet?