If it's that you're "justbored", get creative. Communicate together and see what you can spice up.

If it's that she gained a few pounds, get over it. Accept her as she is. If (and only if) she expresses something to you about her weight, be supportive and helpful. But be extremely careful not to utter a breath of dissatisfaction to her on your own. The body image is a very delicate thing.

Well, I hope you do find a way ooung out of this predicament for you do seem to be in a genuine relationship. Maybe a bit of abstinence would help, but hell, you are only young once. The first 46 years are the worst!!:)

Try going to a sex therapist. You may find the answers you seek. I doubt a few extra pounds would be a big deal.

How old is this relationship? What do you want from it? How long do you want it to last?

Because if you want this to be THE relationship, you best get over needing her to stay....I'm not even going to use the word you used because I think it's idiotic. Point is, 20 or 30 years from now it's highly unlikely she still will be. So decide what's really important to you.

If sex is boring then you are not doing it right and there are underlying issues within the relationship that you two are not talking about - effectively.

And we seem to also have a case of "the pot calling the kettle black" - to use an expression. You are no Adonis and yet you're getting all bent out of shape because she isn't the Aphrodite she once was.

It is the PERSON who matters, not the PACKAGING and if you can't understand that, then it is no wonder the sex is boring since you're supposed to be sharing between persons and not making love to body parts.

Go forth and be open and honest with the woman and expect the same from her in an adult conversation held away from the bedroom when you two are relaxed and happy enough to think before you speak.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260731]If it's that she gained a few pounds, get over it. Accept her as she is. If (and only if) she expresses something to you about her weight, be supportive and helpful. But be extremely careful not to utter a breath of dissatisfaction to her on your own.[/QUOTE]

I strongly disagree with this. American society (and likely others as well) has long maintained that discussing, or even mentioning, a woman's weight is taboo, especially for a man. I once bought into that protectionist mentality because I consider myself a "nice guy." Then I realized how ludicrous and ultimately destructive it really is.

Being overweight is disrespectful. It's disrespectful to the overweight person, as it shows a lack concern for their own health and well-being. It's disrespectful to their partner (and friends and family), demonstrating a lack of concern for their feelings on health and physical attraction. And that also makes it disrespectful to the relationship itself.

Obesity doesn't just happen, folks. Barring certain rare medical conditions, weight gain is a result of bad choices, particularly an unhealthy relationship with food. I.e., eating too much of the wrong things. Too many calories, too much sugar, too much saturated fat; they're all disastrous. We need to be more responsible with our eating habits. Weight gain often creeps up on people because they're not paying attention.

And therein lies the problem. We need to pay attention. And if we aren't, then someone else should. If you saw a friend drinking too much, gradually slipping into alcoholism, you'd say something about it, right? So why are we so afraid of addressing similar behaviors with food? Yes, we all need food to survive, unlike alcohol, which makes it difficult for people to perceive that they have a problem. But on the other hand, it can be hard to tell when too much alcohol is really "too much." But the body clearly indicates when we eat too much food. It's right in front of you. Even if you never step on a scale, you can see it.

Some (like lnt1103) believe that gaining a few pounds isn't a big deal. But when 10 pounds becomes 30 pounds becomes 60 pounds, etc., it is a big deal. Silence helps no one. For the partner, dissatisfaction begets resentment, which will bring additional stress into the relationship, and possibly end it. For the person gaining weight, in addition to the obvious medical dangers is an emotional toll. It's ironic (and sad) to be so afraid to hurt a person's feelings when weight gain starts and allow them to tumble into obesity, where self-esteem often tanks. Furthermore, it is easier to maintain weight than lose it, and it is much easier to lose 10 pounds than 30 or more.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260731]The body image is a very delicate thing.[/QUOTE]

This is insulting to women. It implies that they can't take criticism, that they are weak and fragile. We're each responsible for our own emotions; stop coddling women and giving them a free pass on the weight issue. And if a woman is too immature to accept her partner's opinion, then the relationship wouldn't last anyway.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260835]Point is, 20 or 30 years from now it's highly unlikely she still will be.[/QUOTE]

First off, this is irrelevant. People don't begin, or even maintain, relationships worrying about what will be in 20 or 30 years. Secondly, getting old doesn't make you fat. While aging may exacerbate weight gain as metabolism slows down, it does not cause weight gain. There are plenty of lean people 40+ years old. They are active and pay attention to what they eat.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260847]It is the PERSON who matters, not the PACKAGING and if you can't understand that, then it is no wonder the sex is boring since you're supposed to be sharing between persons and not making love to body parts.[/QUOTE]

This is a distorted view of acceptance. Let's not be so naive and pretend that physical attraction has no place in a relationship. It's often one of the primary factors in formulating a relationship in the first place. And contrary to what many would like to believe, its importance never goes away. It might diminish, but that doesn't give a person permission to "let themselves go." Furthermore, accepting your partner for who they are refers to accepting the things they cannot change. Body fat is not one of those things.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260847]And we seem to also have a case of "the pot calling the kettle black" - to use an expression. You are no Adonis and yet you're getting all bent out of shape because she isn't the Aphrodite she once was.[/QUOTE]

I agree on this point, to an extent. Yes, it is hypocritical of justbored to expect his girlfriend to be in good shape when he isn't himself. But that doesn't invalidate his feelings. He's still entitled to want to be with someone fitter. At least he has the wisdom to do something about his own body, and getting in shape together can possibly be a bonding experience for the two of them.

There is, of course, a right way and a wrong way to broach this subject. Sensitivity is required, and it can help to adopt social solutions ("We need to eat healthier," "We need to exercise more"). Sometimes people are stubborn, however, and a sterner approach may eventually be necessary.

Note that all of this applies to both sexes. I don't believe that men should get away with being fat, either, and it's unfortunate that society has conditioned women into thinking that it's okay. It isn't.

He's ENTITLED to be with someone who is fitter?!?! By whom?

Hello - he's MALE. If you're out dating you know exactly what I am going to say next. He can desire whomever he wants but who he gets - that's up to HER. Yes, there is some give in the system - but the woman still has to say yes or nothing's happening.

He can choose to leave over this, or for any other reason, but then he's right back pretty much where he began. Trying to get the woman. Trying to keep the woman. There are no guarantees he'll be able to do either one.

Slamming his current gf for gaining 10 to 15 pounds is NOT going to help. What - you think she hasn't noticed??

Since he also admits that he could use some work - the BEST advice in this situation would be to relax about the sex and go for making healthy choices in their mutual lifestyle and to become physically active such as going out DANCING more often. Bike riding together. Going for walks.

That is what is meant by being supportive.

Robot-are you an idiot, a chauvinist, or merely a troll?

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]American society (and likely others as well) has long maintained that discussing, or even mentioning, a woman's weight is taboo, especially for a man. I once bought into that protectionist mentality because I consider myself a "nice guy." Then I realized how ludicrous and ultimately destructive it really is.[/QUOTE]
I didn't say never say anything. I said don't start the conversation over what sounds like a couple of pounds, and if/when the conversation starts be supportive. It's called tact.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]Being overweight is disrespectful. It's disrespectful to the overweight person, as it shows a lack concern for their own health and well-being. It's disrespectful to their partner (and friends and family), demonstrating a lack of concern for their feelings on health and physical attraction. And that also makes it disrespectful to the relationship itself.[/QUOTE]
What's disrespectful is caring more what size clothing a person wears than what size their heart and their character are.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]Obesity doesn't just happen, folks. Barring certain rare medical conditions, weight gain is a result of bad choices, particularly an unhealthy relationship with food. I.e., eating too much of the wrong things. Too many calories, too much sugar, too much saturated fat; they're all disastrous. We need to be more responsible with our eating habits. Weight gain often creeps up on people because they're not paying attention.

And therein lies the problem. We need to pay attention. And if we aren't, then someone else should. If you saw a friend drinking too much, gradually slipping into alcoholism, you'd say something about it, right? So why are we so afraid of addressing similar behaviors with food? Yes, we all need food to survive, unlike alcohol, which makes it difficult for people to perceive that they have a problem. But on the other hand, it can be hard to tell when too much alcohol is really "too much." But the body clearly indicates when we eat too much food. It's right in front of you. Even if you never step on a scale, you can see it.

Some (like lnt1103) believe that gaining a few pounds isn't a big deal. But when 10 pounds becomes 30 pounds becomes 60 pounds, etc., it is a big deal. Silence helps no one. For the partner, dissatisfaction begets resentment, which will bring additional stress into the relationship, and possibly end it. For the person gaining weight, in addition to the obvious medical dangers is an emotional toll. It's ironic (and sad) to be so afraid to hurt a person's feelings when weight gain starts and allow them to tumble into obesity, where self-esteem often tanks. Furthermore, it is easier to maintain weight than lose it, and it is much easier to lose 10 pounds than 30 or more.[/QUOTE]
Don't even try to lecture me about weight struggles, dude. I'm 32, 5'6, and can barely stay up to 100 lbs. I WISH I had OP's girlfriend's so-called "problem". Time was when I carried a pillow with me everywhere I went to sit on because I have little to no natural padding.

That time of my life carried a depression and an unhealth all its own. You want to cause that for someone with a couple extra pounds? Cuz you might if you're not careful about the importance you place on body image. It's called an eating disorder. Do. Not. Go. There. With. Me.

When it reaches a point of health hazard, yes of COURSE you find a TACTFUL (there's that word again) way of expressing your concern to your loved one. Weight gain or loss of a few pounds is NOT a big deal. Weight gain or loss that merely takes a woman up or down a single size is NOT a big deal.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]This is insulting to women. It implies that they can't take criticism, that they are weak and fragile. We're each responsible for our own emotions; stop coddling women and giving them a free pass on the weight issue. And if a woman is too immature to accept her partner's opinion, then the relationship wouldn't last anyway.[/QUOTE]
I didn't specify the comment to women. All people's body images are a delicate thing. Everyone gets self-conscious. And that self-consciousness must be handled with loving support.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]First off, this is irrelevant. People don't begin, or even maintain, relationships worrying about what will be in 20 or 30 years. [/QUOTE]
Bull Shit they don't. It's called marriage. And while OP may not be there right now, at some point he will, and he better take a reality check now, as opposed to then.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]Secondly, getting old doesn't make you fat. While aging may exacerbate weight gain as metabolism slows down, it does not cause weight gain. There are plenty of lean people 40+ years old. They are active and pay attention to what they eat.[/QUOTE]
I didn't say it did. Body weight is not the only thing that will change over the next 20 or 30 years. The point is, OP needs to get over himself and decide whether he wants Barbie or real life.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]This is a distorted view of acceptance. Let's not be so naive and pretend that physical attraction has no place in a relationship. It's often one of the primary factors in formulating a relationship in the first place. And contrary to what many would like to believe, its importance never goes away. It might diminish, but that doesn't give a person permission to "let themselves go." Furthermore, accepting your partner for who they are refers to accepting the things they cannot change. Body fat is not one of those things.[/QUOTE]
Never said it had no place. Of course it does. It's how the courting starts, often. But eventually attraction to the person inside takes over. If not, quit wasting the time of both parties.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]There is, of course, a right way and a wrong way to broach this subject. Sensitivity is required, and it can help to adopt social solutions ("We need to eat healthier," "We need to exercise more").[/QUOTE]
Oh so you DO understand the concept of tact. Could have fooled me until now.

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943] Sometimes people are stubborn, however, and a sterner approach may eventually be necessary.[/QUOTE]
It's not about sternness, this is not about disciplining someone. It's about caring about people you claim to love.

And the point about dancing as a couple is NOT whether you do it well, it is about doing it together and having FUN! Actually both of you taking lessons at the same time can be lots of FUN! as well as excellent exercise.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]Robot-are you an idiot, a chauvinist, or merely a troll?[/QUOTE]

So because I disagreed with you, that makes me an idiot? Or a troll? I don't know how chauvinist is even applicable here. What I do know is that I did not insult you, yet the first thing you say in your reply to me is an insult (or three). And then you accuse me of being tactless? Oh, the irony...

I'll get back to the rest of your post in a moment. But first to EEK:

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260958]He's ENTITLED to be with someone who is fitter?!?! By whom?[/QUOTE]

That isn't even what I said. You conveniently left out the key phrase "want to." Here's what I actually said (emphasis added this time):

[QUOTE=robot uprising;260943]He's still entitled to want to be with someone fitter.[/QUOTE]

In other words, he is allowed to feel how he does, regardless if you agree with it. Telling him to "get over it" is tantamount to saying his feelings don't count. And who are you (or anyone) to tell him that?

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260958]He can choose to leave over this, or for any other reason[/QUOTE]

And she can leave as well. The presumption is that the relationship still has value to both of them. If it didn't, they'd just move on and there wouldn't be much of a story here.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260958]Slamming his current gf for gaining 10 to 15 pounds is NOT going to help. What - you think she hasn't noticed??[/QUOTE]

Why are you jumping from one extreme (silence) to another (derision)? I never said anything about slamming anyone. In fact, I gave very little input on the method of discussion, and what I did say certainly can't be construed as "slamming." Why is it that the first place you go? Can you not fathom that there's a scale of options, not just two polar opposites?

As for her noticing, justbored indicated that she has, and she has effectively asked for help by mentioning it to him. But even if she hadn't said anything, that doesn't mean she doesn't want help; she just may not know how (or may be too proud) to ask for it.

Back to lnt1103:

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]I didn't say never say anything. I said don't start the conversation over what sounds like a couple of pounds, and if/when the conversation starts be supportive.[/QUOTE]

First off, this isn't "a couple of pounds." We're talking about a visibly appreciable change in appearance, not just the numbers on a scale. Everyone's weight fluctuates. But gaining enough body fat so that other people notice is not part of this normal fluctuation, and it doesn't occur within "a couple of pounds." We're using justbored's numbers (10-15 lbs), which may not even be accurate. For all we know, she's gained 30 pounds.

So that leads to my next question: when do you suggest bringing up the topic, if not when it becomes visibly apparent? How far do you let someone fall before trying to help them? And keep in mind what I said before: it's easier to maintain weight than lose it, and easier to lose fewer pounds than more. The longer you wait to say something, the harder it will be to get back on track. Why would you wish that upon someone you love?

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]What's disrespectful is caring more what size clothing a person wears than what size their heart and their character are.[/QUOTE]

You're looking at this from the wrong angle. It's not about someone caring about their partner's body versus their heart and mind (all of which are important, not just the latter). It's about someone caring more about eating a Big Mac than what their partner thinks. That's what's disrespectful.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]Don't even try to lecture me about weight struggles, dude. I'm 32, 5'6, and can barely stay up to 100 lbs. I WISH I had OP's girlfriend's so-called "problem". Time was when I carried a pillow with me everywhere I went to sit on because I have little to no natural padding.

That time of my life carried a depression and an unhealth all its own. You want to cause that for someone with a couple extra pounds? Cuz you might if you're not careful about the importance you place on body image. It's called an eating disorder. Do. Not. Go. There. With. Me.[/QUOTE]

I don't know why you made this personal about you, because it's not; I was referencing your post, but I wasn't directing any of this at you. It's barely even about justbored. Maybe you're playing the "my experience trumps yours" game. At any rate, you brought it up, so I'll go along with it:

I'm a 5'7" male. Throughout high school I only weighed 120 lbs (bordering on underweight), so I know where you're coming from. I could still wear shirts that I wore in junior high. I was skinny, scrawny, and I hated it. In gym class they would measure our body fat with calipers, and they always had a hard time even finding enough skin to clip onto for the measurement. While that didn't exactly bother me (compared to the guys with rolls of fat, it made me feel kind of good), I always felt that I looked gaunt, especially in the face. I felt unattractive; being short certainly didn't help.

But I've seen the other side as well. Starting in college, and over another 10 years or so, I slowly gained weight. I passed the happy medium and topped out at 156. While that's not technically overweight on the American BMI scale, it's awfully close (160 is the cut-off for my height). Regardless, I felt fat and hated it. I had known a girl in college who always complained that she was fat, even though I didn't think she was, and told her so often. But at this point I finally understood what she meant.

Friends and family noticed, too, and let me know with a few passing comments. Was I embarrassed? Sure. But it verified to me that I wasn't the only one who saw what was happening, and that it was a problem I needed to deal with. So I started eating better and working out more. I now weigh 130 and have more muscle mass and significantly less body fat. Am I perfect? Hell, no. There are things I still don't like about my body. But body fat is one thing I can control, so I'm going to do just that. I never want to be overweight again, and I'm sure there are very few people that do.

Now, you say you wish you had justbored's gf's problem. All I'll say to that is there are plenty of people who wish they had yours. Greener grass and all that...

With regard to eating disorders, my contention is that anyone who is consistently gaining weight (as opposed to normal fluctuation) already has an eating disorder. Overeating just isn't recognized like anorexia and bulemia. When people overeat to fill an emotional void, because they're bored, or simply because they don't pay attention to what goes into their mouths, that's a problem. Weight gain is just the symptom.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]I didn't specify the comment to women.[/QUOTE]

Then it was insulting to everyone. How is that better?

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]Bull Shit they don't. It's called marriage. And while OP may not be there right now, at some point he will, and he better take a reality check now, as opposed to then.[/QUOTE]

Are you married? Do you regularly sit around thinking about life 20+ years from now? I'm married, and I don't. Two years, sure. Five, maybe. But twenty? Thirty? Not a chance. There's just no point; there are too many variables involved. People live in the present. Many can barely plan for retirement or their kids' college. And if you're spending more time thinking about the distant future than the present, then you have bigger problems than someone's body fat percentage (yours or anyone else's).

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]I didn't say it did. Body weight is not the only thing that will change over the next 20 or 30 years. The point is, OP needs to get over himself and decide whether he wants Barbie or real life.[/QUOTE]

Then by extrapolation, he should be fine with dating a 50-year-old right now? Most people want to date others their own age, both in mind and body. Expecting him to be ready to be with someone whose body is aged significantly beyond his own is asinine. We generally become accustomed to age as we grow older; it doesn't just happen overnight. This line of thinking is simply preposterous.

[QUOTE=lnt1103;260967]It's not about sternness, this is not about disciplining someone. It's about caring about people you claim to love.[/QUOTE]

I never said anything about discipline, did I? Like I said to EEK, I wonder why that's the first place you reach. Think more along the lines of an intervention for an addict. Or would you vilify someone for that as well? For caring enough to be stern?

I have two closing points:

1. Obesity is, by and large, a behavioral problem, not a biological one. People gain weight through their own actions, not because of genetics. Even if there is a "fat gene," that isn't what makes people fat. And because it is behavioral, it can be controlled. I acknowledge that for some people it's harder than others, and they may need help. So being a loved one on the outside and ignoring the problem is socially irresponsible.

2. If people simply had body awareness and didn't let themselves gain weight in the first place, this situation wouldn't arise. And before you jump to eating disorders again, realize that there is a significant difference between awareness and obsession. I'm aware of the state of my body. I consider the foods that I eat, and how much. I don't starve myself. I don't even completely deprive myself of fun foods. Most people are capable of doing the same. They just don't realize the importance of doing so until it's too late, at which point they often give up completely. If you have the power to prevent that from happening, why wouldn't you use it?

I 'went there' because no matter how HE says anything about HER weight, SHE is going to perceive what HE says 'as slamming'. HE may not have meant his comments as an attack but - so there you are. Gents, if you want to start World War III - talk to her about how her weight is trashing your sexual desire for her. That's a good way to end up alone.

Automatically assuming that her weight gain is some sort of a 'cry for help' is also incorrect. This fellow is not a medical professional. A mere 10 to 15 pounds could just be water. It may also not be water. But in the absence of medical information there is no way to tell and WHY she's gained the weight remains NOT the issue under discussion anyway.

The point of the discusion is what to do about it.
Shutting up and just buildng a more active lifestyle together IS the correct answer here. Anything else is persiflague.

Of course he can want all he wants and whatever he wants but to use the word 'entitled' is clearly incorrect. Entitlements are granted whereas his desires are inherent. The problem with 'desires' is also that they can be taught - example: brainwashing. Now if he wants Twiggy or Barbie, fine - but that's not this woman here. So he either gets another girlfriend or he gets over it and keeps the lady he's got. Changing her is not an option.

Because changing her is something only she can do - by herself, for herself.

This may not suit you, robo, but tis the politics of his situation.

BTW: I have weighed the same for the past 24 years and yet my appearance changes, visibly changes, day to day simply by virtue of being female because of the effects upon the water within my body caused by the usual hormonal shifts, what stress is being borne, and whatever physical activity is being undertaken.

AND
"If you have the power to prevent that from happening, why wouldn't you use it?"

Why wouldn't I use it? Because that man, in my case it would be a man, is an ADULT with all the rights and responsibilities thereof. Its his body so its his business and he takes care of it as he sees fit.

Robot:

*You're assuming a few extra pounds automatically equals obese, which it does not.

*That human beings possess feelings that have the potential to be bruised, is not an insult. It's a fact to keep in mind when interacting. If you ever tell your wife she needs to lose weight, don't come crying to us when she reacts with the hurt feelings we're telling you she will, or when the bedroom is at the second or third week solid of a dry spell. I would expect a similar reaction with roles reversed as well. The role of a SO/spouse is unconditional love and support. "You're too fat" does not convey such love and support to the recipient of such phrase.

*I'm getting married in March, thank you very much, and just because people don't spend all day thinking about rocking chairs on their back porches at age 75, doesn't mean it doesn't or shouldn't go through their heads once in a while. If you honestly believe the future NEVER crosses minds, you're nuts. If a relationship partner can't handle 10 extra pounds, how the hell can they expect to handle loose biceps, cellulite and wrinkled faces? If you tell me I'm obese, expect me to wonder how you'll handle the latter 3 items. And again, I would expect the same response with roles reversed. It's simply how humans think.

*I think you need to express yourself better**, because you come across as caring more about appearance than character. The absurd notion that my fiance disrespects me (yes I'm reversing gender roles from what you stated, but it goes both ways) in any way, shape, or form by carrying extra weight on his body (he's 6'3" and built like a linebacker), is where the chauvinism comes in IMO. The word "disrespect" infers an intentional affront perpetrated by the disrespect-or upon the disrespect-ee. The word "stern" infers an attitude of holier-than-thou discipline and superiority.

*His father and brother are also tall and built like linebackers. Some of this is genetics, which can't be helped by simple awareness. You think people don't know? You think people don't try? You think I don't wonder how I don't gross him out, I'm so skinny? My hip bones show and I sometimes can't let him drape his arm over me when he spoons me to sleep, because the weight of his arm on my ribcage makes it hard to breathe. People need loving support in their battle, not comments they're going to receive as a kick while they're down from the ONE who's supposed to always have their back.

**Perhaps we both do. I certainly flew a little overly off the handle with my first response to you, but honestly, your way of seeing this is totally off IMHO. In particular 1-the jump from "she's gained a little weight" to the attitude you take that "she's obese and needs an intervention", and 2-the respect notion.

Well, we here live what most would call an unhealthy lifestyle and yet somehow we remain not only healthy but vibrant. So he has a few pounds on him - eh. He's still that witty, steadfast and delightful man that I married 30 some odd years ago. I wouldn't trade him for the world!