head up...sorry for long post!
well...hi all this is my 1st post here...and i really need some advice, i am so confused, but not, i dont feel bad about whats going on, but i do...does that make sense?
well let me give u some back ground...him and my freind have been together for just over a yr now. she has 2 kids from a previous marraige. and they just recenlty had one together, the baby is now almost 5 months. but you see...hes not in love with her anymore. mainly because she is pushing him away. she is always mean to him and yelling, or saying thing to bellittle him...she always says things he likes are dumb and stupid, or things he likes to do. and he works hard. and when he gets home...what does he hear, but more yelling whne he hasnt done anything wrong. and no time to relax.
he and i, tho, do have many things in common...same likes and such. we always have had fun together, he and i have had this kind of unspoken connection. we both knew what we wanted,but didnt dare speak of it...untill this past week and weekend, we had gotten back fromt he store and she went to her room. basicly hes only with her for the kids right now. hes unhappy with her. and to be honest i dont know any man who would stay for it. hes been looking for a reason to leave her. but now he has one. me...but its hard...he and i have already messed around...he actualy told me i give a bj than her... 
she doesnt like to give them...and when she does she rushes...i like giving head...and i dont rush. he is happy when he is with me and more relaxed. she is always saying things like telling him to go because shes going to leave him and go back to her ex hubby.they were goign to get married, on his part only for the kids. she even once told me that she would never finalize her divorce so she cant marry him. i dont think she even loves him any more but sees him as a paycheck, and a man slave. and he sees it too.
i know, that when he breaks up with her, it is going to be very hard. because her family has also been like a second family to me. it will be hard to loose them. has anyone else ever been in this situation or close? i really do have deep feelings for him and him me...and now that we have finaly made our moves...wow...i mean...wow...i cant really express how i feel in words to well. but i know i will stand with him in support when the time comes...but does anyone have any adivice for us on how to deal?
should he keep doing things in hopes that she will break up with him?(which i doubt will happen)....maybe let her catch me and him?(even scaryer chioce i think)...or help him get up currage and strength to tell her outright? i dont know im so conflicted. i dont want to loose a freind...but i also want to be happy too, and so does he...help!
[QUOTE=Quote (lilly2279 @ Jan. 18 2005,06:55)]...... Do you trust that he will not cheat on you if you get into a relationship together? .....
...If he was so willing to cheat on her, I'm sure it would not be a big deal to cheat on you when he goes to visit the kids....
....Who's to say that when you guys for a relationship, things you do won't start to get under his skin and he'll feel the need to cheat again. ....[/QUOTE]
im not saying im an expert on this topic but i was very unhapily married and ended up cheating .. now been 23 years since my divorce and im still madily in love with the guy "broke up my marriage".
couple things - if either of the partners are looking outside their marriage for sex or companionship.... the person that they find to fill that void is NOT the case the marriage failed. the marriage failed cuz it wasnt satisfying to one of em. folks in a happy, strong marriage are not looking at any grass but their own!
my marriage was OVER. i was in no way justified in my cheating on him. even as bad a husband as he was to me, i had NO right disrepecting him by breaking our vows of marriage and cheating. if the marriage is indeed hopeless - CALL the marriage done and over! some people just dont "work" right together.
just cuz he cheated before, is not proof POSITIVE he will cheat on yu. not to be gloom and doom but you cant be anymore sure that he wont.
dont be hasty, the married folks need to both know where things stand, one or other needs to find a new place to live, lawyers need to get legal paperwork in motion....
sorry to sound off like this but i have a whole set of ex-laws that call me a slut and my mate here is a homewrecker and the kids are gonna get an awful earful of how awful you both are and i cant say for POSITIVE you guys will get the same reaction but just dont forget that it is one of the many possible consequences to follow.
thank you both for the replies. they are extreemly valid points, and also ones i have thought of over and over. before all this ive told myself i would NEVER let myself get into a situation like this. there is so much more to it than what i typed here. what you seen here is shortened.
i cant just stop going over/hanging out/seeing them, if i do, she will know for sure something is wrong.and usualy if i dont call her, she calls me. i have always been happy in knowing i was a good freind...but this, does not make me a good freind. right? but i also dont understand why some women like her are so mean. constantly, for no good reasons. i just dont understand it. i have asker her why shes so mean...she just goes...i dont know.
also he doesnt know that she told me about her never going to get her divorce. should i tell him? something tells me to trust him...as far as i know hes never cheated before on any gfs. and when hes with me, its more than just about the sexual stuff. alot more. i know, for the sake of the baby, i should probly pull away. but something wont let me. i cant explain it. i have never been this weak before. and my vision is getting skewed on what i should or shouldnt do. ive tried to hold back my feelings and think clearly, but i cant. its all foggy. i just still cant beleive i let myself get into this.
*edit*
oh yea, as far as houeswork goes, when im there i clean and stuff, her do housework? riiggghhhhttttt....not gonna happen. she may wash clothes but thats it. after they are cleaned they are just thrown on the couches,tables,or floors and left inside the laundry bucket. she would rather sit on the couch and yell at them and eat her munchies than lift a finger to help. her do bills? nope. she would rather spend spend spend.
Well....this is a really tough situation!
In my opinion, i think you should just pull back. I know you like him, and i know you are friends with her and her family, but if you conitnue to see him, it's going to cause alot of problems WHEN the whole thing comes crashing down.
My opinion, you should tell him:
1) Yes, you like him and yes you would like to date him, but, it's wrong while he's in a relationship (no matter how disfunctional)
2) Stop going over their house, stop going out with her/him/them, just step away! It's going to be tough, but it's the only way to have him make decisions on what he wants to do with his life.
3) Don't get drawn into their drama. Don't return his/her calls, don't give your opinion - because you now have a vested interest in seeing him away from her - and if and when it comes out, you're gonna get hammered by her and her family.
There's no quick fix, and this may take a long time to sort out!
oh, one more thing..if he says "I'mgoing to leave her, i can't stand it".....be sure you tell him that his decision has to be about his life with HER, not the feelings he has for you. The last thing you want ot do is have him tell his GF, "Fine, i'm leaving you for .
Don't fuel the fire.Step away!
Well the choice is definitely yours and the guy you are sleeping with. Rawbob made some excellent suggestions.
In my opinion, the grass is always greener on the other side. Do you trust that he will not cheat on you if you get into a relationship together? If you two do decide to form a relationship and he actually leaves your friend, your friend will find out! He will be seeing his child and I'm sure eventually it won't be a secret anymore. It will always be said that you broke them up.
It's just not right to form any kind of relationship while your friend and him are still together. Think of this... What would you do if you were in her situation and she was the one sleeping with your boyfriend behind your back? And well, actually that could happen since he'll always be seeing his child and the woman he had the child with. If he was so willing to cheat on her, I'm sure it would not be a big deal to cheat on you when he goes to visit the kids.
Who's to say that when you guys for a relationship, things you do won't start to get under his skin and he'll feel the need to cheat again. things are always easier when you're just dating (or just having sex in your case), when real life comes into play (kids, bills, work, housework, etc.), you can't always be the playful sex kitten he first perceived you as. Will he stand through the test of time with you? A good blowjob isn't exactly a strong basis for a relationship.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Only the two of you can decide what should be done. If you want to continue in the relationship and feel it is the right step, then do it.
People always say they are together for the kids. Well if both parents are unhappy and fighting, then what exactly is that doing for the kids? I don't think I would want to grow up in a home like that. If he is no longer in love, then maybe he will leave and you two can be together. But you know what you're doing would break your friend's heart. Does that bother you? You don't sound like you really even like her very much. If she's being lazy and mean, maybe that's not the same person you were friends with. She is obviously a very unhappy person, for whatever reason.
You and your friend need to decide what should be done. If he's not willing to leave, then you need to make a decision. The initial process will be hard, but maybe worth it in the end!
good luck!