Welcome to the world of JEALOUSY and PUNISHING WOMEN FOR THEIR PAST and she knew this would happen which is why she did not want to tell you about this and also explains why she trusted her gut and did not enjoy all that much sex with you in the first place.

It is time she broke up with you.

Now then: where you went wrong.

1. You over valued virginity. This made her feel like crap. Congrats! Instead of playing it cool you acted like some kid with a new toy "oh goody it is all so bright and shiny and new and it only has my fingerprints on it!"

2. You failed to interpret her actions/mood correctly. And this is due to #1 above and being a virgin yourself. So now you see why being a virgin isn't a good thing when it comes to building a relationship. You're a blind man trying to find your way through an unknown maze.

Now she's told you all and...you can't get 'past it'. It being "she says it had actually been a lot more than that! In the back of his shitty car! In a damn parking lot! I asked her how many times and she said she couldn't remember... most people can remember numbers under 10..." News flash - most women have a past and most of that past is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I suggest you go and see that the number one complaint of older men is that their wives are not interested in sex. Then think WHY the women might lose their enjoyment of sex.

Perhaps it is because they have experienced being with a man like you who "can't get past it" which made them feel like crap "damaged goods" and all of that other rot so they turned their enjoyment of sex into a whip they beat themselves with since obviously they're unworthy of the love of a decent man. This lies latent even after marrying someone they love, who loves them back, and gradually traps them into a downward spiral.

Your gf does not have a problem, you have the problem and you're committing the sin of making your problem, your insecurity of possibly being compared to some other man, her problem. For shame!

EEK has it spot on. What she has for a background, and it sounds innocuous to me, she has for a background and it is really none of your business. Learn from that. You are now in the circle of jealousy and mistrust and I have no idea why she has not moved on. Do so and get a fresh start.

It was necessary to attack no so much you but your attitude implict in the quote about the car and how could someone forget how many times - as if numbers really matter. That you got defensive only proves my point - you over value virginity and are insecure. You cannot afford to be insecure in this world. You must realize that your attitude will always affect the outcome so you have to learn early on to think if reacting badly to the truth/advice will get you to your goal.

Instead of not getting over it, realize that here you have a great opportunity to LEARN something. This girl can teach you a thing or two - if only you'd value her and her experience.

Sov, welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home Page, you will find even more information. I suggest that you read each of the articles and add the information to what you already know. Knowledge is empowering! and you do need information and a bit of enlightenment whether or not you believe you need the information in a particular article or not. This is the charter of this site and the "why" of its existence. Those of us who participate wish to "pay it forward" making life easier for those coming up thru the ranks behind us.

Please read the following three times: "Relationships are partnerships in which two people each with a past choose to come together and join forces in order to have a life greater than the sum of its two parts."

Gone are the days in which a boy and girl could count on their new partner being a virgin. We date and should have dated several different people on our quest to find Mr./Ms. Right. Often this includes the sexual aspect.

> I mention how much I've loved experiencing all this realtionship stuff with someone else who it was new for aswell (I love sharing new experiences), and I was so glad that she was a virgin aswell... she got a little flush and awkwardly told me about how in highschool she had been with a friend of hers, not in a relationship with him, but just for the experience of sex... This really got to me and I almost broke it off right there, but I realized how unrealistic that would be and decided to not hold that against her.

Please click on this link and the one following and read the following articles:

HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:

Next: If you are new & have no experience (Pt. 2 of HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED!:
If you are a guy who happens to be shy or uncertain about making the first move, know that this is OK. My suggestion is:
(Part 2 of Chapter 5)

For all the similarities among people of the same gender, there are differences. We have different and varied beliefs, ideals, goals, likes, dislikes, and, experiences, that shape our character and guide us toward those qualities we wish in a partner.

As people become older and interact with more people over time, experiencing intimate relationships with some, you are correct in your assessment of being "unrealistic". I do understand the desire to have first time intercourse with a virgin; however, try and find a person this day and age who still is. This is why I want you to read the article on experience. I believe it will open your mind to what is relevant about a person's first time.

> She had only been having sex with the guy for a couple months and it had happened more times than she can remember, we've been together for over a year and have had sex maybe 10 times... I've tried to move past it but it still gets to me from time to time... Am I right to be a bit upset about this? I love her so much but im concerned that this past guy may have to do with the reason she doesn't want to have sex much (not cheating, something psychological)...

Whatever our past, it is history. There is only the present and these events will shape our future. A person's "history" will also be a contributing factor in our future and hopefully in a positive way. So, Sov, your mistakes are in worrying about a person's history and not valuing your present.

You should wake up every morning and ask yourself: Self, what can I do today to make her life better and more enjoyable? Now, make it happen.

This girl has chosen to move on and be with you. She is trying to create a trusting relationship with you yet by worrying about the ex- you are putting up roadblocks to your future. Forget about him and worry about putting your best effort toward her and in your relationship.

> In the back of his s****y car! In a damn parking lot!

How romance has changed. There was a time when a young couple did little else than hold hands while sitting on the front porch swing and under the watchful eye of a caring parent. Back in the 1950s and '60s when boys had "s****y" cars {read: jalopies) teens did drive up to "Inspiration Point" or park off to the side of a back country road, or, out of sight in the local park. Heck! my girlfriend and I found a not so well lit back corner of a parking lot, and later discovered we could park in the relative darkness behind the grocery store.

OH yea... and then there were the times back in the days when drive-in movie theaters were all the rage that we went to the movie not so much to see what was playing, but to see each other and do whatever she would permit us to get away with.

Until you acquire a car (s****y or not), or a jalopy, and gain some experience with it and a passenger, do not knock what she and her ex- did. Your focus should be on her and as explained in the article, beginning from a new "Square One". (BTW, nowadays, with so few drive-ins around the country, the new dark spot will be found in the top left corner of any theater!) Why the left? Because store layout and merchandise placement surveys have shown that when customers walk into a store the natural tendency is to look to the right. Need I say more? ;)

P.S. That you believe EEK and Brandye have attacked you is part of your problem. They have not! Neither have I and if you read the above with an open mind, you will have your answers for how to move your relationship along be it with this person or another person in the future.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

Dear Sov,
From everything you've written, it is clear to me that she has been honest with you, even when she didn't owe you any explanation. You have not been listening and been assuming things that weren't said.

Which brings me to the following: Do you ask her what she (dis)likes? Do you really listen to what she replies? Or are you assuming?

Improving your listening-skills could improve your relationship and sex-life. If it's too late for this relationship, it will be of benefit in the future. Also; I'd advice you to adjust your own attitude towards sex, virginity/being experienced and relationships. Because it's not her, it's your own attitude that is making you feel bad. Changing this essentially means making that choice. Probably someone has imprinted your attitudes first, but you are your own master and can change it.

I hope this has opened your eyes and even more so: ears. If you love her as much as you say you do, you better start treating her with the respect she deserves. You can't reverse the hands of time, but you are very much able to better yourself for the future. Perhaps even heal some of the damage done, if she allows you a second chance. Expect this to be a slow process and no quick fix. You have rewarded her honesty and trust with anger and disgust and sadly that can have quite an impact on a person. It will take time.

Good luck!

I do believe that EEK and I both gave some good advice. Move on. Although you posted in Married and Long term, you are just getting started. In mid-marriage perhaps counselling would be advisable; at this beginning point, that circle of jealousy mistrust is exceedingly difficult to break and, as EEK says it, a "downward spiral" results.

Advice: Learn. That will do you some real good no matter what transpires.

Sov have you ever heard the saying "I poked a frog with a stick once." what does it have to do ewith anything? Wel nothing, nothing at all. What your G?F did in hte past has nothing to do with the now. She was honest with you and you wig out about it.

I agree with the Ladies that she handled it right and you didn't handle it at all

> That is; if he's still even reading along 2 months later...

His last visit was the day he started this thread. So, while all the recent discussion has not benefited him, hopefully it will be useful to other fellas who have issues regarding truth, consequences, and a right to know what clearly is a personal and private matter.

The past is over, the future has not happened; all we have is the present. What guys need to focus on is the here and now in order to make for a better future.

For anybody willing to become righteous over a person's omissions regarding the past, please read the article I included in my earlier reply.

Finally, when you want to get in a huff about not being told "everything" about her past life, consider the following: "of what benefit is it for him/her to know...."

-doc

So essentially she lied to you at the start of your relationship. I guess where you go from here on out is based on you and whether you can get over the fact that shes a liar or if you think she can be honest in a relationship. Once you get past that or not there are other things to consider- Do you think that this subject could be affecting her 'mood' is it brought up a lot?

[QUOTE=Amy28;280025]So essentially she lied to you at the start of your relationship. I guess where you go from here on out is based on you and whether you can get over the fact that shes a liar or if you think she can be honest in a relationship. Once you get past that or not there are other things to consider- Do you think that this subject could be affecting her 'mood' is it brought up a lot?[/QUOTE]
Essentially she lied? She's a liar?! :confused:

Let's rewind: She told him the truth when she said she had never been in a relationship. He just assumed that meant she also never had sex. When confronted with his assumption, she was so kind to give him the proper perspective. Then he went on assuming that the sex she did have, was only once. To which she again truthfully informed him his assumption was incorrect. Even though she didn't owe him any explanation.

No lies there at all. Just his expectations and false assumptions. For which she can not be blamed, certainly not be marked as a liar and definitely should not be punished. Even though the latter sadly has happened already, since her honesty was met with negativity. And apart from hitting his forehead thinking "stupid me!", I'd advice him to not be too hard on himself either. Just to learn and listen :)

That is; if he's still even reading along 2 months later...:rolleyes:

I guess relationship was not clearly defined meaning boyfriend girlfriend or sexual. Hadnt noticed the date and was just stating my opinion. He's the one that lost his virginity to her. I guess he thought she had done the same with him. Just how i perceived it. If she had been open to begin with it could have all been avoided.

Issues regarding feminine sexual experience.... Hmmm

Amy, she answered his questions truthfully - how is that NOT being open?
Me thinks you, Amy, have issues of your own regarding feminine sexual experience.

Whatever her experience, she does NOT have to answer to him for it - ever.
And an intelligent man never asks anyway because her sexual experience is evident.