I've been dating this amazing guy very seriously for more than a year now. Our relationship is wonderful. He treats me like a princess. But I'm concerned about his porn 'addiction.' Several times now I have found porn sites up on his computer and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I knew he looked at it sometimes, but I thought it was just when he was masturbating during the weeks we couldn't be together. It seems to be a regular thing though - even right after we've had sex. I need to be enough to fill his sexual desires. How should I approach him about this before it ruins the otherwise great relationship we have?
Mon, 02/12/2007 - 02:18
#1
my boyfriend's porn addiction is going to ruin our relationship
Honestly I think you should just sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe you should watch it together, if your are comfortable with it.
Lots of women are uneasy with men watching porn but I think it's fine. It's fun for them and it does not mean you don't satisfy him. Lots of men watch it when they are single and they still like to watch when they are not.
If you have found a porn site on his computer, what makes you feel he is addicted to it? Is it affecting your sex life? Talk to him about your feeling but don't think it will change all that much, people who like porn do enjoy it as part of their sex life--real or fantasy. Why not watch w/him? Why are you scouting his computer for porn?
Thanks for the advice. I think I should have clarified from the start that by no means was I looking for the porn. He asked me to check movie times once and when I sat down at his computer, there it was. Another time I had to check my email for work and I hit the back button twice by accident and it opened yet another page. I tried to talk to him about it then, but he blew it off saying all guys look at porn, he just looks at it a little more often than most. I asked him why he looked at it, and he said it was to help him masturbate when we couldn't be together. But the two times I found it we had just had incredible sex multiple times - and yet there it was. I guess what I'm really looking for is advice on how to express to him that I do not like porn and that it is important to me that he stop (or at least back off) without making him feel attacked.
My advice is that you must try to make him understand how you feel.
That your body is not good enough for him to fanaticize about and that is there not anything you have not done that he wanted you to do.
Try to let him see reversed rolls how will he feel if you looked at porn (Men) when he was not around and masturbated.
If he is hiding it from you then he knows he is wrong if he is doing it openly then he dose not care.
Why not ask him if he has the urge why not phone you and you will talk dirty to him while he masturbates
It isn't his "porn addiction" that is going to wreck this amazing relationship - it is YOUR need for validation that is going to wreck it.
"I need to be enough to fill his sexual desires." Why?
"I guess what I'm really looking for is advice on how to express to him that I do not like porn and that it is important to me that he stop (or at least back off) without making him feel attacked."
You have already told him how you feel about it. He has replied and yet you keep coming back to this topic. Why is it important to you that he stop? Do you feel threatened by pictures, videos, and so on - even though they aren't real? Do you feel he compares you to the porn queens and you're not measuring up somehow? Does the type of porn he likes disturb you?
Think this through completely before you consider returning to this subject with him.
Just sit him down and talk to him, tell him how you feel and why it bothers you--specifically. Keep the conversation away from "you do this...."; just say "I feel like...". Meaning keep the word you out and keep the focus on how you feel. Also, I believe you have to understand why it bothers you; You said "I need to be enough to fill his sexual desires", do you find porno offensive? Do you feel insecure? Or do you want to control what he does/sees? Then try to explain what is so bothersome but if men enjoy watching porn, not many will give it up.
Try Here
There were a couple of other threads when I did a "porn" search...
Anyhoo, basically all women are different. Some could care less... some watch it w/ him... so depise it and say its either porn or me! some women fall in the middle... say do your thing.. just don't flaunt it or whatever.
Love it when they ask for advice and then discount the advice they're given because it doesn't "match up" with their own ideas. Rather than facing up to her issue, she sent me a neat "yeah whatever" message. In her mind, porn = bad, evil, nasty. He's really going to enjoy this "it's all his fault" relationship immensely!
If this is your only complaint about this fellow, you should consider yourself lucky. There are far worse things he could be doing.
I've always wondered why women hate porn so much? I love it. I get me arroused and want to make love to my girlfriend. I don't think a lot of women understand it since they don't have a constant flow of testosterone building in their system. Think of a guy who just came, think he wants to go watch more porn? Exactally, testosterone level dropped... ten fold.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;167099]Love it when they ask for advice and then discount the advice they're given because it doesn't "match up" with their own ideas. Rather than facing up to her issue, she sent me a neat "yeah whatever" message. In her mind, porn = bad, evil, nasty. He's really going to enjoy this "it's all his fault" relationship immensely!
If this is your only complaint about this fellow, you should consider yourself lucky. There are far worse things he could be doing.[/QUOTE]
Yeah well I bet she has other complaints too. Like no haveing women friends or going to a strip club with the guys. Jeezzz startin to sound a lot like my ex! :mad:
You're insecure.What's wrong with porn? It's pictures. Or maybe you're a drama queen? If he's just wacthing porn and masterbating and not paying you any mind then you have a problem. Some people believe that sex before marriage is wrong. You're just trying to force your little small minded belief on him to make yourself feel better. It's his computer and he's a grown man he can do what he wants within the law, just because you want him to stop doesn't mean that he will. The way you are going though he'll leave you alone before the porn. MEN DON"T LIKE NAGS!
What makes me all that? A wealth of experience with a great many men over quite a few years including long term, and still going, relationships. Trust me on this - main stream porn is no big deal and definitely not worth fighting over! Money, taxes, how to raise the kids - those are the big issues - save your "drama" for them.
It sound likes by the way he responded that you are attacking him with words. Sit him down and speak calmly. If he still won't listen and keeps viewing it; then I would deem on leaving him. If he is selfish enough not to consider you feelings, he is not worth being with.:)
So her 'neediness' trumps his enjoyment of porn?
Hardly seems at all fair - to him.
in "most" cases it's just eye candy for guys,usually nothing more,no acting out in most cases :)
Thanks to those of you who had valuable advice to share with me. I was discouraged by some of the comments personally attacking me and called my cousin who, as it turns out, had a similar situation with her boyfriend. They talked about it tonight, and she called me back to help me work through some of the questions you all suggested I consider and I will talk to my own boyfriend tomorrow. My cousin had a lot of luck with her guy who respects her feelings and, after talking about all sides of the issue, they reached an understanding. I hope I have the same luck. Again, thanks to those of you who took my post seriously. To those of you like EvilEvilKitten who like to start problems by making up stories about dismissive messages that I never sent, perhaps you should find something useful to do with your time rather than causing problems on a forum designed to help people.
Helping you 'get over yourself' is also helping you, much as you may dislike having your pre-conceived notions about what's important in a relationship challenged.