My boyfriend and I have what seem to us very big problems with sex. We are both virgins and, moreover, I am very petite and he is very well endowed, which makes sex a very tight squeeze.
It used to be that my boyfriend would lose his erection every time I asked him to put on a condom, so I went on the pill even though it made me throw up everyday. Then, every time we tried to have sex, it doesn't work. Partly it seems to be that I'm very tight (I don't use tampons because it is so painful and fingering leaves me too sore to sit down for hours) and partly because my partner is nervous and loses his erection before he gets anywhere near me.
I'm too afraid of hurting his feeling to suggest to him that his nervousness is also part of our problems, and he is saying that I should see a doctor. We both want to have sex, but when we try it's a no go and we both blame each other, which is wreaking havoc on our relationship. Now, we've both just given up trying. It's getting ridiculous; I've been living with a man for over a year and I'm still a virgin!!
Uhh, you have much bigger problems with this guy than just not having sex. You've lived with him for over a year and you still haven't made this work? He's still uncomfortable and nervous? Sorry, this isn't going to get any better, especially with his attitude. When something isn't working you either try to fix it or throw it away. Sounds like you've already tried fixing it...
[QUOTE=Shy and Unsure;202893](I don't use tampons because it is so painful and fingering leaves me too sore to sit down for hours)[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry but.. this is still a problem, and yet you have tried to have sex? =/ I'm not very surprised it hasn't worked.
There's definitely people on this forum who can give better advice as to what to do about this, but I am gonna say that for now, I think this is what I'd be most concerned about. His anxiety can come later, since it sounds like his penis isn't physically going where you intend it to, even without the anxiety.
Do a Google on "vaginismus" and see if that sounds familiar. The big tipoff to me is that you cannot even use tampons.
You are both correct in its being both your problems. His nervousness does not help and your vaginal muscles are clamping shut.
Caution: When you do the search, you will find sites selling books, techniques and even some tools. DO NOT GO FOR THAT. See your gyn and explain your problem in as much detail as she wants. It will seem uncomfortable at first but we do deal with this in about two percent of women in varying degrees. It is not a do it yourself problem. Your gyn should be able to refer you to qualified sex counselling. It will not be a fast "cure."
The next issue will be reestablishing the relationship between you and your b/f. It sounds like it may be damaged. Get yourself taken care of first. Beckeh gives the right advice on that point.
As I began reading this thread I noticed that Brandye is also here. I'm glad that those above are familiar with your history. I would have just answered your concerns based upon this one discussion. Now, it would appear that as mentioned, more things are going on that have not heretofore been addressed. First things first.
1. I would recommend doing some exercises to make the hymen and vaginal opening both more compliant.
2. If you have not yet had your annual gyn exam, I'd do that and learn if your hymen is thick or normal thickness and whether there is an opening between it and the vaginal wall that the penis can slip between.
If as you say, penetration of any kind is painful, ask your doc. if nicking the hymen would be helpful. This is something Brandye sometimes suggests. Her recommendation, above, is important and should be talked about with your doc. as well.
3. As for loosing his erection when about to apply a condom, well, my answer is for you to roll it on playing with his penis along the way. You can do this by applying lube to just the Glans, and tweaking his arousal. In addition, you can work on the shaft a little as the condom continues to be rolled on. Both tactics will keep the moment alive and distractions to a minimum all the while helping to ensure that his erection will be firm.
4. With #1 accomplished, he can gently finger the opening if the hymen permits any insertion at all, before attempting penetration.
5. Penetration should proceed using pressure only, not poking, jabbing, or shoving. The back pressure may very well cause him to loose his erection, however this is different than loosing it while being distracted as above.
The exercise is to take daily baths sitting in a bathtub of warm water, no soap or bubble bath. Insert a finger alongside the hymen and tug on it holding the pressure several moments before with it in a different area. How you do this depends on how the individual membrane is constructed.
You can then do the same for the opening. Tug against the opening, holding the pressure for a few moments before moving to the next quadrant, etc. After several days you should be able to insert two fingers. Continue as before only using the fingers in opposition. Plan to spend a couple of weeks at this.
The intent is to make both areas more compliant. I doubt that your vaginal opening is any tighter than any one elses; however, penis diameters do vary widely. The main focus should be on placing the tip of the penis against any opening between the hymen and vaginal wall, or, if your hymen has a large internal opening, there. You can examine yourself, also, and learn how you are constructed. Once you know you can then take his penis and position it where you want.
Use the Woman Superior position as this places you in control. You know where his penis is, where your opening is, and can deftly bring the two together as noted, saving him some angst.
You can then apply the appropriate amount of pressure when and as you like. Once he is inside, you can then control the speed of entry, depth, and the length of the strokes and how fast, etc.
Yes, Doc has some good ideas. I am against your starting anything until you discuss this with some preofessionals. Each time a vaginismus woman has a "failure" it increases the likelihood of future failure.
He is correct in your vaginal introitus being the same as most of the rest of us. This ignores the autonomic reaction of your body clamping shut whenever penetration is imminent. Go talk to your gyn and get a referral to someone experienced with this.
Sorry, Doc.
You two have deeper issues - beyond the medical.
You are catering to him. This may be out of a wish to be nice but by sheltering him from his responsibilities, you have robbed him of a bit of his masculinity. He MUST wear a condom, Period. There is no getting out of doing his fair share. He does not need a mother, he needs a lover - there is a difference. At this point, he's most likely depressed and has low self-esteem, seeing himself as "less of a man" since you still are a virgin. His performance will improve only slowly after a year of this, if at all.
Next - would you take driving lessons from someone who couldn't drive? In effect, this is what you two are doing. It is good that you are here - we can help you with this. But this fact does not speak well of your ability to hink things through beforehand. A problem with sex? Step one is to talk with your gyn. Any problem involving reproductive organs - call your gyn.
Now do as Brandye says - CALL YOUR GYN
Do as your gyn says then come back and I'll tell you how to fix that "less of a man" problem.