I'm not really sure how to feel about this. I'm not against masturbation, I do it myself when he's not around and I encourage it in him during our times apart.
But to have him doing it while I'm right there, feels really strange.
We've a difference in sex drive and he often rejects my advances. Last night, he refused and then went on to see to himself after I fell asleep. I suppose it leaves me wondering why it's preferable to him, when he knows I'm right there and already horny.
The really weird thing is that he denies it. I saw him doing it a few times before I asked him about it, and he insists that he hasn't been. I wondered at first if he might be asleep, but last night he was getting WAY too into it to be asleep. The noises he makes are often what wakes me up.
The only other thing I could think of is that when he realises he's horny after all, he doesn't want to bother me. I tried to explain that I'm happy for him to bother me any time because his passionate moods are rare and I don't really want to miss too many of them.
So last night the sight of his raging boner he'd given himself kind of turned me on, so I initiated sex. I also hoped to make the point that I'm available and amenable when he needs attending. He was awake already, and seemed pretty happy about it and got really into it (rare for him, clear that he was already turned on).
I told him that seeing him pleasuring himself had turned me on, and he still denied doing it.
So either he really just doesn't want to talk to me about it, or he's genuinley sleeping through it and doesn't know that he's bringing himself almost to orgasm on a regular basis at night. What do you think?
[QUOTE=hot-texan;272959]He's probably staying silent about it because he's embarrased about being cause and doesn't want to admit that he feels his girlfriend can't quite get him off the way he's used to..[/QUOTE]
Well I have an update on it and you seem to be along the closest lines here; It seems that he was just mortified the first two times I tried to talk to him about it and didn't want to think that he was masturbating around me, but he listened to me properly last night.
We looked up his claim that he was asleep and had no idea that he was doing it, and apparently some guys really do this. It seems he could very well be totally unintentionally (except subconciously) masturbating.
He still didn't want to go into it much but what I'm thinking now is that since he was single for a long time before I came along, he's probably got into habits of keeping himself satisfied and feeling comforted at night that aren't broken yet.
Things were a little chilly last night but I do suspect that this is out of honest mortification. He's quite shy sexually and generally, so I'm not too surprised at this.
T has told me before in the middle of the night "I think you just had an orgasm in your sleep". And, I have woken up from random dreams to find my pelvic floor spasming. So this is not impossible. And it doesn't reflect on the relationship.
Having said that, T and I don't discuss our masturbation with each other. Just the other day I went into our bedroom and the covers had been mussed. I didn't say a word. I don't want him to think my masturbation is because he's not enough, and I don't want him to think I take his masturbation as an indication that I'm not enough. Just as I don't bring it up when I can tell he's watched an internet porn clip or two. I read the latter as his version of fantasizing, because he doesn't make up fantasies of his own. Which is fine. Everyone has, and needs, those outlets. He comes to me when he wants me, and I come to him when I want him, and none of the other things reflect on our sex with each other.
He's probably staying silent about it because he's embarrased about being cause and doesn't want to admit that he feels his girlfriend can't quite get him off the way he's used to. So instead, he stays silent hoping the issue will go away or resolve itself (which it rarely ever does) By her telling him how much she enjoys his masturbation and wanting to be a part of it, it can break the ice and lead to changes and improvements.
If it were my wife of gf who were masturbating next to me and she didn't want to actively discuss it, I would take the same action and let her know that she doesn't have to discuss it, but know that I want to be a part of it.
If he'll stop masturbating for several days it will help break the cycle and get them both on a page where she can pleasure him instead of relying on himself.
It's not just a tv cliche, but when a girl wants to discuss an issue, the guy sees this as something that's not going to go well for him in the end, thus the aversion to the discussion.
I'm not dismissing his denials, but trying to offer a solution.
Without any input from your boy friend we don't have much to go on. You need to try to get him to understand that when it comes to sex your lives are intertwined and there isn't much space for things that are just his business.
Just guessing, I would ask if he actually ejaculates when you have sex (Yes, men do fake orgasms.) Sometimes men have delayed ejaculation (some medicines such as antidepressants can cause this.) This situation can be such that only the man can figure out the stimulation needed to bring himself to climax.
"Just guessing, I would ask if he actually ejaculates when you have sex"
Most of the time, yes. We had some teething troubles early on but most times now I have visual confirmation. Very occasionally there doesn't seem to be anything/much there, but I wouldn't say it was often enough to indicate a problem.
If he does NOT want to discuss this - then YOU have a decision to make: stay or leave. Why leave? - Seems he enjoys masturabting over sex with you - and that's reason enough to leave. Would he take it calmly if you preferred masturbating over sex with him? NO, he wouldn't. So, fair is fair - "we have an issue, a resolution is required so tell me - what's going on?"
I sometimes masturbate whilst lying next to my partner in bed.I have a much higher sex drive than him,and I don't like to bother him when he is tired so I pleasure myself.I try to be as quiet as possible but he often gets turned on by me doing this and finishes me off,either with his hand or sexual intercourse.I wouldn't have a problem with him pleasuring himself while next to me as it would definitely turn me on.I agree that your partner may favour masturbation over sex.You have said that you told him that it turned you on and he denied it.Perhaps he is just embarrassed to tell you that he does this,however it seems very obvious that he should know that you know he does this.I concur with EEK in that you should leave if this denial and obvious preference for masturbation in your presence continues.
The problem is NOT that he masturbates with or without her there - the problem is his denials, his perhaps prefering to masturbate rather than enjoy sex with her, and his refusal to talk about it with her.
I would wager a guess that he's gotten so very used to masterbating that he has his own techniques for stimulation without cumming and then another for a quick release when he's ready to cum. These feelings have become such second nature to him that it's the best way he can orgasm, which is the best part of sex for many guys.
Don't even try to get him to stop, as that will just aggravate him, ask to join in and watch and help so that you can become a part of it at first. Maybe he can finish himself off that way after he finishes pleasuring you. After you get that down a few times, ask him to refrain from touching himself in any way sexually for at least a week after which reward him with something extra special like a strip tease and some awesome sex.
I used to masterbate alot when I was single and had a difficult time orgasming once I started dating and having sex with my gf. I'd find myself trying to make a bit of time to masterbate, because I knew I could finish effectively. You just need to retrain his sexual responses which can be done with a little effort from both of you.
as long as now one gets hurt whats the problem maybe you could both masterbate together or ask him if you could do it for him have a chat im sure you can both work out a happy arrangment
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;272950]The problem is NOT thta he masturbates with or without her there - the problem is his denials, his perhaps prefering to masturbate rather than enjoy sex with her, and his refusal to talk about it with her.[/QUOTE]
Yes I realise this EEK,guess I just didn't explain myself properly
I know you did, Aphro - but as evidenced by the guys who replied - they DIDN'T get it.
GUYS -This bf of the OP's doesn't even have the courage to agree that he did masturbate (Please note the correct spelling.) and continues to not want to discuss exactly what's going on.
PUT YOURSELF IN HER PLACE.
If your gf preferred to masturbate rather than have sex with you, wouldn't you want to discuss 'her issue'? If your gf refused to discuss it and continued masturbating instead of enjoying sex with you would you be happy? Would you still even be with her?
The issue is not the masturbation.
The issue is HIS SILENCE.
Yes of course it is possible. But to become embarassed and to refuse to talk about it esp when it impacts another person who you care about simply isn't right; not if the relationship is a good one.