There's so much on my mind right now I really just need to get it out, so this is more of a vent and decompress post but any comments or opinions are more than welcome, of course!
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, she;s almost 21 and I almost 24. We live together, have bills, a car, a home and pets, etc. As with any couple we've had our ups and downs. When we first met we were just FWB and it evolved into more at a very slow pace. We didn’t want a relationship but ended up falling head over heals.
I was her first sexually, although I had a fair number of encounters. She used to like being mine alone and I didn't particularly mind it, it was nice in a way to be special although had she had other partners, my love for her would not have changed what so ever. Our sex was great, we had a wonderful relationship envied by many around us, and we were happy together no matter what we were doing.
Nearly a year ago (next week would be a year) we got engaged (she had just gotten off the pill, so I guess her mind was still somewhat affected by the hormonal changes). It may have been bad timing on my part as she had just overcome some personal issues with a death in the family. I didn't propose to distract her, although she thought that was part of the reason. She said yes without hesitation because we had discussed being together for the rest of our lives. We were happily engaged and proud to correct people when ever they said boyfriend or girlfriend.
Due to work I’ve been away for weeks at a time, and where my job has brought us there is not much to to do. It’s a small town with no attractions. She’s a student and her school is 20 minutes drive into town but she lacks a drivers license. Furthermore, the social events are all in town. As such, there is little opportunity for work in the immediate area which has caused her great stress to the point where this summer we discussed her moving away to a bigger cities 1000km away so she work and save up for school; as well as have a more interesting social atmosphere. We discussed it and I was fully supportive, knowing how much she hated it here and thinking that a change of scenery would cheer her up!
About a week into us being apart we had a small argument which quickly escalated into the issues of our relationships (our first serious argument!). I knew we had had our lows but since Christmas I thought we’d been doing pretty well and only getting stronger. I’m sure had we spent this summer together it would only have gotten better as we were already planning activities and dates. Much to my surprise however, I was oblivious to how unhappy she was; not only with life here, but with our relationship and sex lives. Things were said, things which should have been said sooner which hurt me because it took so long for them to come out. The content of what was said hurt, but not nearly as much as being lied and deceived for so long. We established from this that we need to drastically improve our communication. (I won’t go into detail as I don’t think what was said pertains, as I said it was the gesture of with holding information which caused me to “freak out”)
Having been her only partner, she now wants to explore her sexuality with other guys. She’s always offered me “free passes” but I’ve never used them as I have no desire to be with anyone else one-on-one, except her. (Threesomes don’t count to me as they’re not intimate, and because we do them as a couple). I was hesitant at first, but we spent days talking about it and I’m now supportive of her. I believe she needs to see what else is out there so she can calm her curiousity and hopefully it’ll recalibrate her and allow her to focus more on us and our sexualities. Perhaps it will show out what she has, or perhaps it will show her what she’s missing. Either way, it will provide her with an experience and something new, as well as something for us to discuss. We established rules and both have the summer to explore, but only physically; no relationships or dating. I have no major issue there as long as we remain honest afterwards and discuss what happened.
A big blow was that she found we were too committed and now wanted to call off the engagement. What am I to say..no? We discussed it and she felt it was causing too much pressure and she felt too committed. She added that it made her feel too old and prevented her from being young and making mistakes for herself. I think she has cold feet and that reality hit her; since she’s gotten off the pill she’s no longer focused just on me but now living her life for herself; which is great! Those hormone pills can be dangerous!
We still plan on living together come the end of summer and eventually getting married, although we’ve pushed the date back another 3 years or so. I can wait, as long as I know we will be tieing that knot. The same goes for kids, I’m in no rush and know she’s not enthralled by the idea. It comes and goes with her mood, sometimes she wants to have my kids, and sometimes they’re the most horrible creatures of the earth. Another point we will address when we cross that bridge. As for our futures together, once she explores what else is available maybe she’ll choose she wants to stay with me, or maybe she’ll want to keep being young and learning. Again, that bridge, and ultimately our futures together, will be determined for sure once we meet up again later on in a few months.
Tonight she mentionned she was thinking of staying away longer. This bothered me. Next year I deploy overseas for 8 months and won’t see her, the only time we’d have together was between September and my deployment date, roughly a few months. Since we had our initial argument we’ve identified many issues and came up with solutions to help us remedy them. One of mine was that I sometimes don’t pay enough attention to her. So lately I’ve been texting her more, partly out of boredom (this town has nothing to offer) and also in part because I want her to see how much she means to me. She mistook this as me grasping, or obsessing, out of fear of loosing her. So now I’m going to give her more space instead. I’m thinking of keeping minimal contact so maybe she can see what it’s like without me around or us chatting, although I don’t want to employ the term “break”, as this is not what it is in my books. I’m aware this could backfire, but if she wants the summer to explore I don’t want her to be distracted by me and end up not doing what she has to, or wants to.
So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m somehwta fearful for what is to come and I wonder if she’s ready for a commitment between us. I have no doubt that she loves me loads, but I think that maybe we jut met too young and although we took time to fall in love, she never had time to live her youth and explore her desires and curiosities. I’m scared of what might come of it, but we both said it is better to find out now and try to resolve it rather than ten years down the road. Atleast if it doesn’t work between us, we can say we tried, and that we tried hard.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the length…I feel better now that I’ve been able to write it down in a logical and analytical way. She says I’m the girl of the relationship and it’s true, I always worry about everything and can be melodramatic; she, on the other hand, can easily disconnect and assess things logically. I wish we shared a brain!
Hmmmm, okay then. What is the worst thing that could happen here? She could just wander off entirely. But would that be all that bad?
She's somewhere where there isn't a lot to do and no work nearby. She would have to drive to get to work but she has no driver's license. Instead of getting one (like its hard) she wants to move somewhere else. She also wants to be feckless and act without concern for tomorrow. But worse, she's willing to throw away a good man who adores her.
My point is that instead of getting a license that would enable her to both work and go to school while being with you as your fiance', she wants to run away and live the party girl life.
She's not ready to be anyone's wife.
Let her go or kick her out - either way - and don't take her back later on when she has regrets.
I appreciate your input but that's not quite how it is.
She's working towards her license, but other factors affect where we live now. We're discussing moving into the city that way she can walk to school, find work easier and we can have a social life outside of our home; and simultaneously save on fuel costs.
For the feckless and unconcerned point, from what I can tell she has taken the future into account and we both know that this summer will either make us stronger (through challenge, much discussion work and counselling), or simply show us that we aren't at the same levels with each other and should maybe reconsider where we stand. We both acknowledge that we love each other and that we are great together, but the simple fact is there are somethings I cannot help her with. Ie. she's bi, I have no vagina, hence I can't fulfill that so she finds girls = no problem. She's curious and wants to smell different flowers, I'm just one and I think she should be able to smell the others to determine what she likes.
Is she willing to throw us away? I don't think so. Of course the conundrum we're in does pose certain dangers and gamble, but we're both mature enough (and stubborn) enough that it will take a lot for us to simply give up. (And thanks for the subtle compliment, but I'm not always a "good man"!)
I do agree that she's not ready to be anyone's wife, and she agrees with that as well. But that's not to say that we can't see ourselves living together and tying that knot someday. As it stands now, we've discussed once she's done her studies. If in those 3 years, we're still in the same boat then it'll be time to reassess and reconsider.
Thanks again for your opinion!
EEK's comments were thought provoking for me and allowed me to reflect on certain things. I'd love to hear anyone elses take on the situation....
Sounds like one thing she's really craving is independence, whether she words it that way or not. Speaking from experience with this, GET THE GIRL HER LICENSE. I can personally attest to the frustration with depending on others to get everywhere you need to go, and the worlds that open up when you can drive yourself.
Second thing: you two still have work to do on communication. "Pay more attention to me" so you do, but "now you're obsessing" so you back it off again. TALK to each other to figure out what really needs to happen. Don't just guess at what she needs from you and then accept being made to feel like an idiot when it's not accurate. And, when you make a change, don't expect her to naturally, cosmically understand the goal. You don't have to be a mind reader, but you DO have to remember that she's not one either.
Third: optimism is always a good thing. But be careful not to be Pollyanna....what EEK says makes a lot of sense.
Just an update. We've been discussing a lot lately and have started working on some of the issues as much as we can with the distance between us.
Things are going well, not perfect but I'm confident that we'll work through this.
Thanks again for the input!
UPDATE!
She's since had her adventure and had fun. I visited her this past weekend and it was as though things had never gone badly. We were communicating well, we spent as much together as possible (when she wasn't working) and left with smiles on our faces. It seemed to have given our relationship the boost it needed even if she is a bit confused about certain issues in life and our relationship.
Today, however, I learned that she was meeting up with the guy for coffee/dinner. We had clearly agreed that anything of the sort we would tell each other. I'm very open with her and tell her everything but she often forgets to tell me things like this. Last time I brought it up I was as calm as I could be about it, she apologized and promised that in the future she'd keep me aware of meet ups before. Well, sure enough she "forgot" again and once again apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again.
I'm tired of being completely open with her and expecting the same but receiving the cold shoulder. I know she's absent minded but so absent minded to consider that I might get hurt by her meeting up with the guy she just hooked up? She's aware that I've been cheated on in the past and as such I have insecurities; which I'm working on to improve for my own benefit and that of our relationship.
Anyone have ideas on how to improve communication with someone who always forgets to tell their SO that they're meeting up with the person the fucked just a few days before?
How did you learn about this meet up? Why don't you just ask her directly that question. She may have honestly forgot or it could have been an omission. If you ask her directly then you can hold her accountable to what she says. You have given her a "hall pass" from exclusivity so isn't she allowed to do what she wants. So you are not at risk of being cheated on right? Then if she decides to come back to you she gets tested for diseases. It sounds like you two are getting along well so perhaps this adventure was a nice idea.
The pass was for a hook up only. That has happened and when we spoke this past weekend she agreed the hall pass was done for the summer. I learned about today's meet up after asking her. We've discussed it and she chose to omit it to avoid getting into an argument, but had she told me before I wouldn't have freaked out.
The adventure worked out great! It made her see she missed me more than she thought and that she loved me more than where we were. The issue on her part of communication, and trust on my part. But it's hard to trust when I know she omits info and hides it until later. We're discussing it right now and both agreeing that we'll make conscious efforts at (her) being more open, and (me) trusting her more as I've never had a reason not to trust her (excluding these lies about her meeting up and stuff).
Well it seems both your issues go hand and hand. If she trusts you to discuss things with maturity then she shouldnt have a problem omitting anything. Then you have no reason not to trust her. If she misses you so much why is she still seeing this guy for dinner? Are you two getting back together?
The plan is we're getting back together mid August when I go see her again. We have a place together so either way she has to come here.
Just got off the phone with her and it seems our work will be more challenging then initially assessed. I almost called it quits today and she admitted that it didn't bother her all that much. She still has faith in us, but it seems to fade often. In large part this is due to my lack of trust.
I wish the butterflies in my stomach would go away.
[color=blue]i'm not as naive as most people.....the way i see it, it's going to go downhill.....maybe not now, but it seems that way to me.....it's like she wants a "break", which in my terms meaning that she wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings (which a lot of women do)
or
you're the fall back guy.....basically if the other guy doesn't work out, she can always fall back on you because she knows that you're not leaving.....and that you'll support her with whatever she wants or needs
sure she didn't tell you about meeting up with the other guy......I don't believe the fact about her forgetting to tell you.....i think she's BSin you......something like that I wouldn't forget about......if i were her and i was seeing other people, i wouldn't tell you nor would i tell you what we did or how many people i actually was seeing.....and meeting up with a guy that she's fucked.....well before they even fucked, they had to have a conversation, which sparked her interest......no telling how long she's been talking to him before she allowed him to have sex with her :confused:
what I don't really get is that you are ok with her seeing other people......did you suggest this or did she suggest this option to you?? There is no such thing as a "free pass/hall pass"......nothing is free in this life!! And you might think that the pass is over, but is it really?? the saying "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him" comes into mind......but if you trust her, you trust her, i can't tell you no different
Do yourself a favor and break up with this girl (you're going on deployment anyway....don't set yourself up to be cheated on).......let her do her own thing......take some time out for yourself and get your head straight......and when you get back from deployment, re-evaluate your feelings for her, her feelings towards you, and take it from there.......be strong and don't give into some BS.....use logic, not emotions when deciding whether to let her go or not
good luck!![/color]
Look, if she's going to "see" other people, then she's going to "see" other people. You can't control that. And it isn't your job to control her anyway. She and she alone has to decide how she behaves.
Your insecurities are not her problem, they're yours. Her "absent-mindedness" is her problem - stop making it yours.
You made a serious error by NOT playing the field - you latched on to the first womaan who said yes and stayed there making her your ego support and are now finding it difficult with deal with her inability to support your ego as you think she should.
You have to stand on your own two feet, insecurities be damned, and stop asking other people to change for you so they can better meet your needs.
She's not going to change. She will play the field until she's ready to put the toys on the shelf and get serious about finding a spouse.
As for you - go deploy and forget about women entirely (esp. this one) for a time. Clear your head and 'keep your head down' out there!
[color=blue]i've been in this situation.....not exactly like this but something like it
i think it really doesn't have to be about insecurities.....it has to do more about the fact that he's in love with this person and trying to keep the relationship glued together.....and he's blinded by what's really going on because he's holding on to the hope that she feels the same way about him as he feels about her......not saying that she doesn't love you, but she may not be "in love" with you and has drifted off, but is only staying with you to "let you down easy".....when in truth, it will actually hurts you more by dragging it out.....I've had that happen and eventually i found out she was with someone else that she was calling bf behind my back......years after that and all the hurt, she broke up with him, moved back in my area and tried to hook back up......well i was invited to her apartment and when i spent some time with her, i then realized that i didn't want her anymore because i knew i couldn't ever trust her like when i first met her
After that point, I think it made me tougher.....i had one relationship after that, that was headed almost the same way, except that time, i had my eyes open......i put up my security wall, ditched the girl and saved myself the trouble of going through that heartache again.....which ended up me meeting my wife and i've been happy since
i'm thinking that this is one of those situations where you need to be on your guard.....at least until you get all of the facts[/color]
yees and WHY is he holding on so hard? Because of those insecurities.
Why else would a man hold onto a woman to whom he isn't married when she manifestly does NOT think he's THE ONE?
he's infatuated and thinks 'this is love'. It isn't.
You all talk about her hiding things, but the way I read it she's been open so far.
"I'm not ready to get married, let's wait"
"I want to sleep with other people"
"I'm not happy"
She's being fairly open about what she's thinking (short of the coffee incident). We don't know her, and for all we know she could be seriously interested in fixing the relationship. If she was open about things that serious, isn't it safe to say that she'd be open if she didn't want to be in the relationship?
I hope Rouge is right.
I appreciate everyones input but going away making claims without knowing anyone (EEK) is not productive at all. I'm infatuated? Please, you don't know me. I recognize you're a valued member of these boards, but that doesn't entitle you to make every assumption you wish and label other board members. I know what love is, I'm not a 14 year old.
In the same parallel, no where does it say she doesn't think I'm the one. Perhaps she needed freedom to figure out what she wanted. Have you thought of that?
Rouge has actually hit the nail on the head. Things are not out of the woodwork but at least our relationship is worth trying to work on, your opinions EEK make me wonder if the chip on your shoulder has jaded you.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271180]
You made a serious error by NOT playing the field - you latched on to the first womaan who said yes and stayed there making her your ego support and are now finding it difficult with deal with her inability to support your ego as you think she should.
[/QUOTE]
I'd love to know where you came up with this?
[QUOTE=noirblanc;271343]I hope Rouge is right.
I know what love is, I'm not a 14 year old.
[/QUOTE]
In this century? Sir, I call that pure bull. No one has any idea of what love is. Fairy tale and Hollywood glitz gloss floss. lol
Now on a serious note, anything can be possible. Which means NoirBlanc, despite of what you might think, everything that everyone has offered on this site so far, does have value. Including the bitter possibility that you don't want to entertain.
Also account for the fact that this is the 21st century and love ain't what it used to be...
However, I believe that the girl is having fun. Hey, men do this all the time. There's no issue with this until you discover that you want to marry this girl.
As a matter of fact, when both ages are taken into account, both of you should be enjoying each other company like playful frisky puppies. :D No need to go all hot and heavy right now, and therefore no need to worry! :D
This whole lack of "trust" thing you have going on, hun, tells me so.
You're willing to do anything to hold onto someone who doesn't reciprocate and apparently dislikes whatever control you try to exert. That doesn't say love to me.