First of all I'm a virgin, and when I'm making out and messing around with my boyfriend, I find it hard to relax and be excited/aroused. I think I've always had that problem because I've never had an orgasm when the guy has fingered me and such. My boyfriend has even told me that I should have gotten to that point the other night when we were together. It's just soooo frustrating. I know that not relaxing can definitely stop someone from being or staying aroused, but I don't know what to do about it. If anyone has any suggestions that'd be super :-)
Thu, 09/30/2004 - 04:16
#1
messing around with my guy...
Should? How the heck would HE know? If he really expects you to orgasm, then he needs to learn YOUR body (every woman/man's sexual response is a little different) and help you to relax and enjoy.
You say you've never orgasmed from "the guy fingering you". Have you ever orgasmed at all? From masturbation? If so, then don't be shy about pointing out to your guy what works for you. It doesn't even have to be verbal. Just put your hand over his and guide him.
And forget about "shoulds"... in sex, it's whatever works.
The problem with relaxing is often that people TRY to relax and that rarely works. It merely focuses them on the tension. What you want to do is focus on what is happening and how good it feels... think about how good his lips feel on yours, etc.
There is no rule that says you HAVE to have an orgasm. Don't let your boyfriend (or yourself) create one. I gather the frustration you're experiencing is not actually sexual frustration since it sounds like you feel less than aroused. You're frustrated because things are not happening the way they "should." Remember, you create your own "shoulds." I can't help but speculate that at some level you'd like to remain a virgin... that desire could be interfering with your arousal.
Do only what you want to do and what truly "feels good." Having an orgasm does not have to be a goal. You'll be a lot more "relaxed" when you concentrate on what you ARE feeling and not what you think you SHOULD feel.
There really is no "should" point. Every "should" point varies from person to person.
A looootttt of women cannot orgasm from fingering or intercourse. They need a form of clit stimulation. And even then, some still cannot orgasm.
And I really don't know how to tell you to relax. I think everyone has that problem to a point until they're just extremely comfortable with their partner and they both know how the other person works.
But maybe someone else can shed some light on this area.