I'm 21. I'm a virgin. And I'm submissive. When I was with my Ex-girlfriend of four years ago, I remember the makeout sessions on the floor. I was the one on the bottom, wrapping my legs around HER. Yeah, that's the kind of guy I was/am. And I loved curling my body into her. Having her play with my hair. Yeah, it's disgusting. As a grown man, I cringe as I type and remember this.
And I believe I have a fetish - I love getting dominated. I love the idea of a woman on top of me. Riding me, controlling me. Or sitting on my face like it were her throne. Or even being anally penetrated by her with a strap-on.
This was how I felt in High School.
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Over the past two years, I've changed. I take showers everyday. I wear deodorant. I look clean. (My style is preppy: Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc) Sometimes, people who knew me in High School are surprised to see that the quirky skater-bum dude looks clean-cut now. And I actually started working out. No six-pack, but there's no fat. So if I may say so, I look good. However, looking good don't mean a thing if my old behaviours are the same. And I have been working on that.
Slowly but surely, I am changing the way I think. I am aware that being submissive isn't going to work for me. I read the plot synopsis of "Venus in Furs". Women don't respect bootlickers. They want to feel secure with a man, they want a man that takes charge. If I act submissive, they'll get bored of me and toss me. I forced myself to understand that being submissive translates to being a wuss. Not sexy. Not respected.
And I can do it. I can become the "cool, cocky, confident and funny" guy. I'm not there yet, but I know I can do it.
But deep inside, I still love it. I love being submissive, and being dominated. But I know these feelings will cause me to lose any girl I try to be with. So I am willing to lock these feelings away.
But is it possible? Is it possible that I would find a girl who would accept my submissiveness and still respect me? And still feel secure? Maybe there's a female who can accept it, if it's just a "once in awhile" thing. But is there a female who absolutely loves dominating me, but still respects me as the "Man" of the relationship?
Who knows if you c/would find such a woman as finding someone is all somewhat the luck of the draw and of whom we come into contact with and have "chemistry" with. Consider that if you did find such a person and did establish a relationship, she might just take over the lead of your relationship in other areas and essentially wear the pants. Now, I can definitely tell you from all that I've read on this that no woman wants to do this when there is a guy in the house and a partner in life.
So, as for being submissive in bed--why not try and find a balance between the two extremes?
Besides, you do not have to be submissive to have her run her fingers through your hair, just let it be known that this is something you enjoy her doing. You might also find that she enjoys doing it without even being asked.
Excuse me?
YES there are women who will both respect and adore you for all facets of your personality. You need to get with an experienced 'soft domme' who does not practice Pain/Abuse/Humiliation. You just need to hunt for them.
Please be very careful with those blanket statements, dancin' doc.
"Consider that if you did find such a person and did establish a relationship, she might just take over the lead of your relationship in other areas and essentially wear the pants. Now, I can definitely tell you from all that I've read on this that no woman wants to do this when there is a guy in the house and a partner in life."
I happen to know women who do just that.
While I'd love to be in a relationship where the roles are reversed - she wears the pants and provides security, I give her my faithful love - I am afraid she'd eventually get bored and get rid of me. Such is what happens in "Venus in Furs". A man willingly becomes a woman's sex slave, but she gets bored of him and tries to find another. Yes, I know it's just a fictional book.. but these actions are realistic. So while I'm sure Kitten knows many cases where women have taken control of the relationship, it's not a comfortable feeling for me.
I'm looking for a relationship where I am still the one of control of the relationship. But when it comes down to love-making, she's on top. Yet.. I guess for this to work, it would have to be in a way where I'm still in control. I'm in control, by giving her control.
Perhaps it's still possible to "wear the pants" and yet still be on the receiving end of a strap-on. I just need to find a "soft domme". It's possible to retain dignity while submissive. Just don't act pathetic. Don't beg. I just need to be proud and be submissive. Or .. something.
Stop reading "Venus in Furs".
Get yourself out into the bondage world and see how it works. But select a domme who treats you with kindness, consideration, and has excellent manners. Ten to one, she'll be a soft domme.
Just be yourself, don't try and change for anyone, the right person will come along and love you for whoever you are!
Dont be something you aren't. Wait and find that someone who appreciates you for you - not all women want 'cocky' and 'cool'.
You sound like a normal guy - nothing strange there.
Thanks for the advice. Since I'm a virgin and absolutely terrified about the idea of entering the "bondage world", chances are I won't. But if I ever get the guts, I will look for those qualities in a woman. Thank you.
I'm sorry, but "being myself" doesn't work. Men aren't supposed to be submissive lap dogs. And actually, women aren't either.
I've decided that I will continue on the quest for confidence. I'll find a girl out in the world who's into "soft domme". And to be honest, even if I don't.. I don't mind playing the 'standard' male for my 'standard' female. As long as she's happy, I'm happy.
[QUOTE=Account1;171528]Thanks for the advice. Since I'm a virgin and absolutely terrified about the idea of entering the "bondage world", chances are I won't. But if I ever get the guts, I will look for those qualities in a woman. Thank you.
I'm sorry, but "being myself" doesn't work. Men aren't supposed to be submissive lap dogs. And actually, women aren't either.
I've decided that I will continue on the quest for confidence. I'll find a girl out in the world who's into "soft domme". And to be honest, even if I don't.. I don't mind playing the 'standard' male for my 'standard' female. As long as she's happy, I'm happy.[/QUOTE]
Best is to do what you think is right and what you feel
Trying to be someone you are not is the road to disaster for yourself and any relationship you will be in.
Read some of the posts and you will see you are perfectly normall your sexual thinking, some of us are wilder sexually than others.
you can be stronger in attitude without changing your personality, you maybe just need more confidence that's all, and it's daft to say 'what women like' all women are different, we don't all think the same way and like the same people you know, as they say one man's rubbish is another man's treasure
[QUOTE=PunkChick;171291]Just be yourself, don't try and change for anyone, the right person will come along and love you for whoever you are![/QUOTE]
Well said. I too prefer a woman who takes control, or atleast one who won't expect me to be in control always. For a good year I was single (I'm 18) and was also quite depressed during the time, having my last couple relationships be quite dissapointing (cheated on). I recently found someone that, although she is in no way a dom, i still really love being with her. She will sometimes pin me down while making out (something I very much enjoy) and plays with my hair all the time.
Before I met her, I was starting to think "maybe I should change who I am for people to like me", but with her I am completely comfortable being myself (even though I really dont see what she likes about me, but to each their own).
Just as PunkChick said, just be yourself. Fetishes are completely normal and as long as they arent the most important thing to you than you will be fine. In time, I'm sure you will find a woman who likes control, but will still respect you!
Hey, i agree with Brandeye! There are women who love submissive men! I know that when i was younger i had more ideas about "shoulds" in relationships- women should act a certain way and men should act a certain way. Since then, i'm 23 1/2, i've certainly matured a lot! You need a mature woman, sexually and in other ways. For instance, I LOVE being aggressive! I love ravishing the man. I love controlling sex. I even flirted with a guy that I would wear the pants and he would wear the bikini briefs! I was joking but i think of your "submissive" act as totally hot! However, i like to switch roles. I have no problem being the aggressive one, but i like aggressiveness back sometime and i like submissiveness. And i like to show submissiveness, pleasuring the guy with oral sex regularly, doing selfless things with no thought of return, massaging the guy, learning to swallow and deep throat, and doggy style, anal, whatever! I think it's cool that you're trying to be dominant, but being submissive is still nice. You can do both boy! And you could probably find a woman who was into submissiveness and would take the lead. As long as you're fulfilling the woman the way she needs to be fulfilled, talking to her enough, asking her about her day and other questions, being a good friend, being playful too (remember that- that's good to learn- even my old boyfriend told me once that i should be more playful like a girlfriend he'd had after me and i took it to heart.) so, we all have things to learn but i know personally i would love to experience a guy submissive in the way you describe- that sounds sexy! And i wouldn't get tired of him. You gotta find the right woman i guess. There's someone for everyone i think.
Account1, it's okay to be a submissive and a man, and I don't think that being a submissive in sexual situations takes away from your masculinity in any way.
I don't think that you should deny yourself pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment by trying to equate negative thoughts with being a submissive. Being a submissive is not disgusting, it doesn't make you a wuss, it will not prevent women from respecting you, and it will not cause you to lose any girl you're with. I personally think that having the man being submissive can be a huge turn on.
There is definitely a girl out there that will completely accept you and still see you as the Man of the relationship. Like others have suggested, get your nose out of "Venus in Furs." It's not doing you any good, and it's not realistic.
I don't think you should try to suppress part of who you are. It sounds painful, and I can only imagine how empty and unsatisfied you must feel. I'm sure that for every man that feels insecure about liking to be the submissive there is a woman that feels insecure about liking to be the dominant. There are plenty of women out there, Account1, and they all have different sexual likes & dislikes. Don't give up.