[FONT="Verdana"]My wife recently told me that she was turned on by my being more dominating. Not S&M mind you, and not being hurt. Just being dominating.
Here's the deal. I tend to be a very gentle and deliberately slow (during foreplay particularly) lover until she's hot and then it's go time and we're fulling going at it with the bed shaking.
A couple of months ago, I just came into our bedroom where she was lying on the bed on her stomach watching TV, and without saying a word, turned her over on her back and began making intense love to her. I just had an intense desire at that moment and I knew from a previous discussion that we'd had that she wanted something like that. She later confided that she was very turned on by that act.
So my question to you ladies is, how much is too much? I know this seems odd to ask because my wife was responsive and that much I know. But at the same time I want to know what other women think. Obviously you don't want to be dominated each and every time you have sex I assume.
And I assume that it's only a turn on if it's done once in a while (surprisingly) vs. over and over.
My wife is really the shy type who has a hard time opening up about details involving sex, and I typically can get good feedback on this forum from others.
In other words, if I walk up behind her while she's tinkering around in the bedroom and I grab her arms, begin feeling her up, take off her clothes and bend her over to take her from behind is that the same thing as what I did previously, or is there a limit?
Yes, I realize I can find this out by giving it the old college try so please don't send me advise like "you'll only know if you try it with her." I'm interested in what you ladies think, or I wouldn't be asking.
The thing is, I'm a very courteous person which is why I think I always need "consent" or the idea that we're mutually interested in sex when we're going to "do it." I'm also very turned off by rape dominance ideals and images and any behavior bordering on that, so I think that's why I've always steered away from that type of behavior with her, so that it could never be misconstrued by my wife.
Our sex life is pleasing and pleasurable for both of us but she's far too shy (even though I've asked her) to give me details about what she wants. I'd probably get it out of her if I got her drunk, but she seldom drinks and if she does drink, it puts her to sleep (that would kind of work against me).
Looking for ideas from the ladies. [/FONT]
Why don't you ask her? I have had sex with girls who think anything is ok. Then girls who have to literally be asked if she wants to have sex.
While one woman here may say "x" is okay, your wife may not agree. She needs to open up. The key to a healthy relationship is communication. With her, not with others
Ducy, normally I'd agree wholeheartedly--and I basically do anyway--but OP has made it clear that she doesn't discuss these things well out of shyness.
Which, OP, you need to get her over that. Logically speaking, if not with you, then with whom can she discuss these things? You need to help her get comfortable communicating about these things.
Having said that, if she's that shy, is it possible she doesn't KNOW what to tell you? That much shyness about this topic may be an indication of the attitude she was brought up with toward sex. I see a lot of myself a few years ago in that. All I got at home was "wait until marriage" and all I got at school was periods and anatomy. Over time I've opened up, but it has taken time, patience and learning. Let me ask....is she assertive enough to express limits in the moment?
Because the difficulty with you not wanting "try it and find out" advice....is that it's true. Ducy's also right in that your SO might have different limits than I do. I can tell you that I like my husband to take control and I'd be pleased if he created the scenario you suggest. Hell, it starts me going when he simply lifts me bodily into position on top of him. But some women don't like rear entry. She needs to be able to communicate permission and limits to you, bare minimum. But it would be much more conducive to your experiences together if she'd open up about desires too.
IF she's busy doing something SHE considers important- coming up behind her and etc. will only irritate her. My point is that you will have to get to know your wife very well indeed so you can read her mood. Notice - is she totaly focused upon what she's doing or is she doing whatever by rote - on auto pilot? Think of this as developing your own 'intuition'.
A woman seeking domination will exhibit this by certain behaviors. She will show deference, seem shyer than usual, increased level of timidity, make ducking/bowing motions with her head and shoulders, not looking you in the eye, covering her mouth, giggling and acting somewhat like a little girl - thereby trying to bring out the 'big protective dominant male' in you.
Yes she may be shy but she NEEDS to get over this. I've dated girls who couldn't say the word penis without turning bright red. With support, they now have absolutely no problem saying what they want in bed.
[FONT="Verdana">First off ducy we're not newlyweds, and to say "why don't you ask her?" and "she needs to just get over it" isn't exactly advice. It's rhetoric since I disclosed both of those issues in my OP so that I wouldn't get comments back like you left. And my wife can say the word "penis" thank you very much.
It always amazes me when you get on a forum like this and specifically ask experienced females for insight about females and you get some guy who comes along with "a lifetime of wisdom" and interjects himself. "With support" they (your girlfriends) now have no problem saying what they want in bed? Congratulations Don Juan! "The key to a relationship is communication." So it's all about support and communication! Really?
My gosh, I can get that advice from the most basic book on marriage or sex, page 1!
We communicate fine. She has my undying support in all avenues of life. There, now I've covered those two topics as well for you.
EEK. Thanks. I believe you described her somewhat in your second paragraph although she's probably not quite that shy and submissive. She can certainly look me in the eye when we talk and during sex. She and I have been together 15 years and she has a hard time opening up even though I've invited this many times in the privacy and comfort of the bedroom.
She can discuss sex but she's very timid about coming out and saying what she wants specifically. We've done just about every position over the years. She's specifically orgasmic in missionary, woman on top, and oral. But this isn't a position issue (or support or communication ducy) as much as a behavior issue. So when I did the dominance thing that one night, that apparently was a big turn on for her.
I was just specifically trying to figure out what is too dominant in your opinions and how far I might go with it SINCE I don't get a lot of pre-sex information or guidelines from my wife.
I have no problem taking charge in bed, I just don't want to step over the line. And yes, I would have no problem asking her to let me know if something was going too far or wasn't to her liking. That's a given. [/FONT]
The bottom line is, the only one who can tell you where her line is, is HER. So the question is not, do you ask her to tell you in the moment, but rather, is she assertive enough to actually say something? Because we've established that she doesn't specify what she DOES want. Will she open her mouth when she DOESN'T want something? Is the question I had.
The biggest problem I have with men who come on here and say "hey ladies whaddya think about this", and then say "and don't tell me to get it from her", is that it assumes that all women have the same brain, from which come the same needs and wants. Even though I've never met you in person, I can about guarantee you your penis wants different things from a woman's mouth than my husband's does. I got news for you, that goes both ways.
GET
IT
FROM
HER.
Either by helping her open up when you ask, or by trying things out and putting 2 (her positive reactions) and 2 (her negative reactions) together to get 4 (what works/what doesn't/where the line is).
Good gravy, I could write your posts for you! You're relationship sounds exactly how mine is with my wife. Especially the part about specifics she wants. My wife is a firm believer in the "sex is like pizza, even when it's bad it's pretty good" thought process. She has told me multiple times she doesn't have sexual fantasies, and I'd really doubt there's some nightmare bombshell (to her at least) that she's holding back from me, as I've pretty much asked her the gambit of questions over our 13 years.
Unfortunately I'm betting that you'll end up with just the college tries, as I would expect patrons to this website to already be in a different "league" than your (or my) wife. My wife looked at me like I had a dead cat on my head when I told her I've posted here. She's just not a person that can share intimacy outside like this. My wife's idea of pushing boundaries would probably seem so tame to some seasoned veterans here. :)
The only thing I can think of is maybe at some random time you both come up with a "safe" word, so that you can experiment to whatever extent with both having the knowledge of how to get out easily without hurt feelings. We did that, and I don't know but for me it's easier to hear that word instead of "NO!" because it means "not this specifically this time" versus "get away from me!" for us. Ours is corny, she does a big artificial YAWN. I can even tell her mood over a text, by if I send something sexy and I get the YAWN back or not. :)
I do ask though that you keep this thread living as you find out what works. I would love for my wife to come out of her perceived shell, so any tidbits would be helpful. Granted the shell may just be in my mind, but I hold out that there's a damn that may burst and wash over me.
Actually, Firmus, I once was in OP's wife's "league". I've gradually gotten more communicative about wants and needs and things, but it has taken time, and getting the H out of the household that put those inhibitions into my head in the first place. The "if not me then who" logic came directly from T when we were dating and beginning to talk about sexual topics. Some of it was an inner fear that things I said or did or wanted or fantasized about, would be reacted to in non-constructive ways. That they were wrong, or bad, or too weird, or too out there, or not out there enough, or, or, or, ad nauseum.
One thing that helped me begin to break through the inhibitions was actually phone sex. This partly due to the fact that our relationship started long distance. To this day, I have difficulty bringing myself to do the talking, but I receive quite well :D Then one night, in person, T basically did phone sex, and combined it with little teasing touches here and there until I couldn't take the unfulfilled temptation anymore and actually came out and asked him to "do it for real".
And, I do have to say, the Human Sexuality course I recently took (I'm finishing my Bachelor's) has helped quite a bit too.
LOL I love how people get "offended" and suddenly the entire post is blurred. Did I say newlyweds? Did I say I was don juan? When on earth did I say your wife couldn't say "penis". Eegads man. The whole point was that regardless of whether your wife is shy or not, something like "too far" is something that needs to be discussed with her, not random people. Like I said, some people will think that grabbing your wife in a "rough manner" is too far, and some will think that unless you basically rape her, then you haven't gone far enough.
AGAIN COMMUNICATION. Just like how you so clearly communicated your opinions of my post to me, you need to communicate to her that SHE needs to get passed this "behaviour" and the SHE needs to tell you what SHE considers crossing the line. Perhaps she likes the "rape" fantasy" or perhaps she likes just a little bit of control. Nobody on this site or in the world can tell you what's crossing the line except her.
Obviously this "communication" that you have isn't just fine since your here asking US what SHE likes...
But what would this Don Juan with a lifetime of wisdom know about anything? I've only been in your shoes several times and managed to get unbelievably shy girls to open up about what they want.
Firmus, thanks. Appreciate you sharing that.
To everyone else, I realize that "getting the information from my wife" would be the best source and the best method. If I've been trying to coax that information out of her for 15 years without much success and just the other day out of nowhere she shares the domination factor with me, so it's clear that she's been holding back what she really wants to some degree.
Obviously the attempts to glean that information from my wife hasn't worked out too well over the years, and as Firmus just posted, some women will tell you things are fine but not open up much beyond that. I guess I could water board her to get the "real" information that I'm after.
Ducy, I'm not offended. I just don't understand it when people like yourself post something that effectively just repeated in my OP what I said hadn't worked. It came off to me like, did you read what I wrote?
And if this is not something that we are to discuss with "random people" what's the point of this forum exactly? We're all random to one other are we not? And one would assume that everyone has found this forum for one of a multitude of reasons which can all be traced back to relationships and sex.
Moreover, I knew from the outset that nobody could really speak for my wife's likes or dislikes. I simply wanted some female insight before pursuing this further with my wife. Perhaps I missed something . . . is that not what this forum exists for? I mean when you get right down to it, just about all the questions posted here could be answered with "why don't you ask him or her" since that's obviously always going to be the best answer. The problem is that not everyone you ask those types of questions is going to open up to that type of subject when you talk to them about it, or they'll skirt around it by saying it's all good.
I'm assuming that Firmus has been through this many times as well and he strikes me as being a fairly good communicator.
Finally, to assume it's my communication that's the problem is not the problem. But I can't beat her over the head with the subject either. You can only inquire and then hope to get some feedback and then pursue it further via discussion. If you don't get much more than a smile with "everything is fine, and I'm very happy" then where do you go from there?
Nevermind, I feel like I'm reexplaining myself. Firmus, I'll take solace in the fact that you get it. Thanks buddy!
What would be too far for me would be him trying to be at all dominant in the first place. I am a sexually aggressive woman and all I want him to do is to get naked, shut up and lie down.
So you can see why asking me to judge how far would be too far with your wife just isn't going to work.
Evening I really do feel for you in your currant situation, you've been tasked to do a job without any tools yet results are expected anyway. What's a guy to do when he's not a mind reader!!! It's really selfish and unrealistic on her part to expect you to just know what to do and how to behave without any feedback from her. Can she at least be independant and responsible enough to listen while you talk to her? That's the only option you have open to you at this point since she's so shy and unwilling to discuss her desires like an adult in an intimate relationship should be able to do. Pick a time that's relaxed and non-threatening and just talk to her just as you've done here. Tell her how much you enjoy pleasing her but you are in a difficult position as being such a sexually dominate person is not in your usual nature. Tell her what you are willing and even eager to do but the lack of communication and feedback from her is handicapping you from following through. Tell her the last thing you want to do is hurt her, disappoint her or take anything she's said or done out of context or have any misunderstandings between you. Do you think she'd at least be able to utter some understanding of the position that you are in and at least come up with a safe words, one for YES please go ahead and dominate me and one for NO, not this time dear, that you will readily recognize?
I don't claim to understand the dynamics of this kind of sexual relationship since I prefer to be approached as an equal since we both have what the other wants. I want his body parts, his time and energy and am willing to give equally the same in turn. I personally believe that when one person wants to be dominated whether occasionally or regularly, they don't want to take responsibility for themselves and want others to do all the work and take all the blame when there are failures. I could be wrong, I really don't know but that does seem to be a pattern with subservient people in general. Just look at how the Hebrews acted once freed from the Egyptans, they always looked to be taken care of rather than taking a more active role in their free status. It took 40 yrs for them to enter the promised land because of their unwillingness to be and live like free people. They had become so accustomed to being slaves that they would rather be beaten and worked to near death because that's what kept them feed, sheltered and clothed. Just another thought to ponder. I wouldn't be so willing to be her dominator unless she's willing to offer at least some boundaries and some idea as to what's acceptable and what's not.