I am just getting out of a 15 year marriage after my wife cheated on me. The question that I run thru my mind is....Why didn't she get out of the relationship first?
Now I have married women (some are friends) want a fling. I can't do that to thier husband what was done to me. Why do some people think it is ok.
Then to focus on the actual questions you asked.
1. Why didn't she get out of the relationship first?
2. Why do some people think it is ok.
Question 1.
Many times it is a simple reason... I won't get caught...It doesn't mean anything emotionally...It is better for the children to stay married.
Question 2.
We each have our own set of moral standards. These women simplely do not share your standards.
Much like in the thread on monogamy... there are as many different ideas of monogamy as there are people.
Maggies... Yes, there is no mistake as to what they are saying. One is a friend (share mutual interests) that hasn't been happy in her marriage for a long time. She has been waiting until kids were out of the house and now they are. I told her that I will not do the "wild thing" until she is out of her marriage.
Wally... No problem with the misunderstanding and no appology is necessary. While I agree with you that I didn't realize anything was wrong was a part of the problem. She was starting to be distant, so I gave her space which compounded the problem. However, I still hold my beliefs that if you are in a committed relationship you shouldn't sleep with someone else. If you want to, get out of the relationship first.
Justanotherguy,
What are these married women saying that makes you have the understanding they want a fling ?
Are they coming right out and saying " I want to sleep with you ?"
I am bored in my marriage... wanta spice it up with me ?
The reason for my question is that when we are sensitive to any issue we can personally process things a bit off .
I know I've stated to a marry man ( a close friend ) there is nothing in the world as sexy as a man who loves his children the way you do. JaneDoe is lucky to have you. Wish my husband spent as much time with so much love for the kids.
He was always with the kids at the park. But I had no desire to do anything with him. Not even after over 30 years of friendship.
Funny. I really screwed up in my original reply. I meant to say "these are NOT simple black and white issues." That may have been clear from my last statement, but thought I should make sure!
There are those who would suggest, for example, that the fact you didn't realize there was anything wrong with the relationship was a large part of the problem with the relationship. Relationships can very tenuous things... I think "cheating" destroys far less than we might think and I tend to believe that the "cheated on" must hold some responsibility for what happened, as you did by asking her to consider counseling, etc.
Also, my apologies for the assumption you "dumped" her... I read your original post too literally.
Some people just think it's alright and no big deal. I think they do it without thinking.
Did you ever get a chance to ask her? Do you want to know?
I would tell these women who want to cheat with you that you just got out a marriage where your wife hurt you. Ask them why in the world they think it would be appropriate for you to help them hurt their husband?
I'm surprised you did want to work on the relationhip. Cheating is one thing that really gets to me. If it was done to me, I would be done with it. It's hurtful. I know people do it for different reasons, but I like to think I keep my relationship communicating enough to know what is going on. But that is not always the case. I'm sorry you were hurt. Hopefully you will find a woman who believes in monogomy and will help you open your heart up again.
You guys are right. To answer your questions (as some people may want to know). Don't know the reason she cheated it was an boyfriend/friend from high school. I didn't dump her, she didn't want to go to counseling or work on the marriage. I had no clue that she was unhappy with the relationship.
[QUOTE=Quote (JustAnotherGuy @ June 13 2005,11:43)]The question that I run thru my mind is....Why didn't she get out of the relationship first?
...Why do some people think it is ok.[/QUOTE]
The best person to ask the first question is your ex-wife. I can think of a lot of reasons why she might not have been anxious to end her relationship with you.
The second question is best asked of the people who are seeking the action!
Read the threads about monogamy and marriage and relationships. I think the one conclusion you can come to is that these are simple black and white issues. For example, some of the other questions that could be raised are:
Why, after 15 years, did she cheat on you?
Why, after 15 years, did you dump her because she cheated?
I'm not asking you to answer those questions, merely pointing out that this whole topic of "cheating" is not the simple who's right and who's wrong judgement most people make it.
[QUOTE=Quote (JustAnotherGuy @ June 13 2005,11:43)]Why didn't she get out of the relationship first?
[/QUOTE]
Because some people like to have their cake and eat it, too. They don't want the uncertainty of being single... but they do want to keep looking for something "better" (it's not necessarily "better"... just different).
[QUOTE=Quote ]Why do some people think it is ok?[/QUOTE]
I believe, on some level, everyone knows this is NOT okay. There are many excuses people use to justify it- kids, money, afraid to cause hurt- but- in my opinion- none of them are truly justifications. I think that by lying about this, you just make the situation worse on everyone in the long run.