Is my husband gay?

[LD2010]

Hi, I didn't know where else to ask this.....
We've been married now going on 5 years. For the most part, my husband seems to be and acts very much sexually attracted to me. He gets turned on by me and all that and we still have sex regularly.....So its nothing to do with that. Its the stuff that he's into sexually that has me curious.

He likes anal. While this isn't a red flag itself, I know that it is totally normal for men to like that. He suggested a long time ago that we try stimulating him anally, so we tried it. He loved it. I know for a fact that he's done things to himself in the past "anally" and liked it, he told me. So him liking anal was no surprise. I was okay stimulating him this way and have no problem with it. We've bought many toys to pleasure him this way.....strap-ons, dildos, vibrators. I was okay with all of this and even got a little turned on by it myself.
Lately though he's been venturing out on his own to stimulate himself privately. A week or so ago, he got a toy in the mail that he had ordered off the internet without me. Usually we shop together and decide together what we will buy and if we are both comfortable with it or not. Thats what bothered me.....he bought it without asking me whether I would be comfortable with it, but just assumed I would be. I was horrified when he showed me. It was a huge butt plug. Its called "ace of spades gumdrop butt plug", along with that he bought this stuff called "anal easy", to numb the sphincter.
Now I've wondered in the past if he was gay, just by all this stuff he liked sexually, but barely gave it a second thought. Since he brought this toy home......I'm really wondering now.

I hadn't seen that toy for a few days and never thought of it again. Then one day I found it in his sock drawer. I figured he would have gotten rid of it, since I wasn't going to use it on him, but there it was. Later on that night while he was taking an extra long shower, I noticed that the toy was no longer where he had it hidden. So it got me thinking......after he was done in the shower, he left the bathroom and I went in after a little while. Sure enough, I found that toy hidden in there under the sink, along with some lube and the bottle of anal easy opened and some taken out of it. All I could think was "gross" and sickened that he enjoyed that huge thing!!

Over the next week I noticed him taking extra long showers, and before he would go into the bathroom, he would turn on the furnace or the washer or the dryer....as if to create some sort of noise to block out whatever he was doing. He did it every night for about a week.

Him masturbating doesn't bother me, I know that is normal. But this sneaking around just so he could play with his huge butt plug.....kinda got to me. After he was done with it, he'd go to bed and fall asleep. Leaving me to think "What about me?"
I confronted him about this and he denied it. Since he brought this toy home and since I found out he's been using it on himself, I haven't been able to see him the same way I used to....sexually or romantically. I just keep picturing him with this stupid butt plug, and keep thinking that he's gay. He no longer seems manly to me and I can't get turned on by him like I used to.

He's also asked me to do other things as well that make me wonder.....like once a few weeks ago, he asked me to give him a blow job, let him cum in my mouth and then spit it into his mouth. I didn't want to, but I did it anyway....even though I thought it was weird. I spit in his mouth and got up and left the room, so I don't know whether he swallowed it or spit it out, most likely he swallowed it.
He's also asked me if he could cum inside me and then lick his cum out of me afterwards......

He's also homo-phobic. He hates gay men and everything gay. You don't want to know the things he says about gay men. This has also made me wonder....

Is any of this cause for concern? or am I just being paranoid?

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about--like yours. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

Next, please read this article:

Male / Female Sexual Behavior--If I like certain things does this mean I'm Gay?

As you stated, guys enjoy orgasms and go after them for two reasons; first, via masturbation in order to control stress; second, because they all are enjoyable and feel good; third, making love as an outward expression of the love he shares with his favorite person.

It is important for a wife/girlfriend to know and understand that while he desires to make love with you time and again, and then proceed to masturbate a short time later that this is no threat to you, the relationship, or, that the love making session was not satisfying. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Masturbation in these situations calm the savage beast by relieving pent up stress and tension that accumulates daily. Guys can and do masturbate several times a day; that the two of you just made love, does not change the basic need.

Now, as for curiosity about toys, adult videos, threesomes, etc., this comes under the other heading of simply having fun and exploring his sexuality in the process. This behavior should not be a threat, either. He is simply curious. You do not have to understand the desire, only to accept that it is "male pattern behavior" with many of us to one degree or another.

Who knows, maybe his curiosity will be satisfied soon and he will stop using the butt plugs. Maybe not, in which case the ongoing stimulation he receives throughout the day will continue to be enjoyable.

> Is any of this cause for concern? or am I just being paranoid?

Are you paranoid? No, I don't think so; however, a bit more knowledge should enlighten you and eliminate your angst. Perhaps humoring the lad will be your best approach with him for now.

The only problem I find with your story is with the lubricant. A numbing product should not be used, besides there should not be a need for it if the two of you will follow the guidelines in this article that detail how to go about penetrating the orifice.

"Playing Ball" and How To Tips for Prostate Massage
This is also an excellent tutorial for people interested in and concerned about the how-to of Anal stimulation as well as play.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Excuse me? You got a bit turned on but now that he's enjoying this without you, you're all 'unhappy' and thinking 'he's gay' and so 'less manly' ??!?!

What does that sound like to you? Come on, be honest.
You're all hurt so you're hitting him back, slamming him where it will hurt him most.

Anal sex, in its various forms, actually INTENSIFIES a man's orgasm by stimulating his P-Spot which is on the prostate gland and is accessed via the rectum - doesn't mean he's homosexual. Snowballing and eating creampie, the names for the acts you describe, are common sexual acts performed by heterosexual couples - doesn't mean he's homosexual.

The reason he's hiding this from you is he can feel the vibe of disgust you're giving off and doesn't want to give you up or give his pleasure up and he's trying to avoid just such 'confrontations' as you apparently feel are necessary.

You aren't being paranoid; you're being denigrating and sexually repressive to someone you profess to love. Trying apologising to him and telling him that it is ok with you if he plays with his toys. Note: I'm not asking you to participate with him. That's your call. I'm asking you to stop driving your husband away.

[Buck Naked]

Your husband isn't gay for enjoying anal stimutation, you husband would be gay if he was attracted to men. There is a huge difference.

[wet_suit_one]

What Buck said!

[Brandye]

Forget the gay. Wonder about the secretive behaviour.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Naah already explained his 'secretive behavior'.

[Brandye]

I think not. There is both explicit and implicit hiding of something here. That needs to be addressed - perhaps with the help of a counselor.

[Rouge]

I wouldn't say gay. My partner enjoys anal play very much, and it has taken a ot for him to admit these things.

He isn't gay. I'm sure that he was scared of your opinion, or embarrassed by his curiosity, hence buying the toy on his own. There's a certain stigma in society about male anal, despite how we insist times are changing.

As well, the "anti-gay" statements could be masking a bisexual curiosity which he's ashamed of, or it could just be that he doesn't like the idea of being with another guy.

Either way, be supportive.

[Brandye]

.... supportive but self-protective. Time to talk this out.