Need help with anal

[stallion51]

Sorry if this ends up long. I am sitting here in tears because I am so confussed.

I married my husband 10 years ago, I have always been very clear on my view on anal, I think it is gross, my ass is an exit only. I have refused anal exams by doctors because I am so firm on my thoughts. At first he told me that he agreed with me, it was not something he wanted and we would never do it. A few years ago it came out that he wanted to try it. I was physically sick. Fast forward to 2 years ago, I sent him the sex shop to suprise me, he came back with an anal toys, anal beads and anal ease. I was so mad I was shaking. The fight went on and I finally told him just to do it, I was so angry at the time and wasn't thinking straight, so he pulls down his pants (he was already hard just thinking about it) so we did it. I cried for hours, I was shaking and honestly hated it. I went into a depression, starting cutting myself and wanted to kill myself. It took me a few months to get through it, but because I felt bad I let him continue to gently play in the anal area without entering. Then about a year later the talk continued, he wanted to try it again. So I let him use a toy, I was again shaking the whole time and felt so sick for a few days. We then came to the agreement that it would end, it would never be brought up again.

It never completly went away, the other day I wanted to try something new and he was resistant so I told him that he could do anal play. So that night he did and he inserted his finger, which tore me alittle. I wasn't mad at him cause I told him it was ok. I was mad at myself for telling him that it was ok to do it.

I want to be able to do anal for him, I am confused on it though. When we were talking about it last night I started to feel sick and shake. I just don't know how to get passed that. I want to be able to do it for him. He says we can just drop it and never do it again, but I know he still wants it. I will always wonder if during sex he is thinking about my ass. I tried do anal myself and it hurt so bad that I just ended up getting mad. I just don't know what to do. Do I keep trying it myself until it stops hurting? Do I drop it but still wonder when he is thinking about it? I need help.

[nuttychick]

Hmmm You made it perfectly clear you never wanted Anal and he goes out and buys Anal toys??
He says he will drop it and then keeps bringing it up?
How does he he react and what does he say when you are crying and feeling sick about it?
Why are you even considering letting him do it again after your "tore" last time?
Are you that insure with your marriage that you will let him do this to you at the risk of your health, happiness and sanity?

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums, Stallion. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about--like yours. In addition, if you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

> I want to be able to do anal for him, I am confused on it though.

Please read this article listed in the Index.
"Playing Ball" and How To Tips for Prostate Massage
This is also an excellent tutorial for people interested in and concerned about the how-to of Anal stimulation as well as play.

> I started to feel sick and shake. I just don't know how to get passed that.

Far be it for any of us to try and change your position on this or another aspect of making love that you believe is degrading, or wrong, etc. What I will ask you to do is to accept that knowledge is empowering. The more information you have on a subject, pro and con, the more open minded you will be regarding a final decision on the matter.

If you happen to believe that anal play of any sort is a dirty or disgusting practice, consider that quite a number of people around the world engage in some form of play and find it extremely stimulating and fun. Even when a person likes this activity once in a while, s/he may not want to participate on any particular occasion for any number of safety or health reasons.

When the person on the receiving end has bathed and gone to the bathroom sometime prior to making love, there should be no reason for concern. If you or your husband do not want to use a bare finger, I recommend using Vinyl gloves available from most pharmacies.**

It is important for your information to know the anus (inside and out) is richly endowed with sensitive nerve endings. It has been said that a person's skin is their largest sex organ and this part of the body is very very sensitive to being stimulated by touch. The nerves come "alive" and become very reactive when a person has become extremely aroused by other caresses. Stimulating the anus helps jump start an elusive orgasm in addition to just feeling fantastic.

For men, massaging the prostate gland when he is at the brink of an orgasm will greatly intensify his pleasure, and also help to trigger a troublesome orgasm, like the second or third in a string of multiples.

Because you have mixed feelings and some apprehension about the practice I recommend waiting until you are on the brink of an orgasm before engaging in one form or another of this. Why? Because your inhibitions will be lowered.

Here is another article to help with your perspective on the matter:
Male / Female Sexual Behavior--

I am including the above article not because of the Gay/Lesbian question, only to illustrate that our kisses and caresses when making love and having sex are not gender specific.

> I let him use a toy, I was again shaking the whole time and felt so sick for a few days.

Have you thought about why you are experiencing these reactions? Is it only because you believe the anus is an outgoing portal and should never have any finger, dildo, toy, or medical instrument go the other way? If so, what is the logic? There is nothing wrong with your position on sex play; however, your reactions are way over the top and not proportionate. This is especially true when you consider medical exams. Men and women have physical exams every day everywhere in the world that often include rectal examinations. You are playing a potentially life threatening version of Russian Roulette by not having a simple exam to determine if you have polyps, or worse, colon cancer, or other digestive or health related problem that could very easily be treated favorably early on. By ignoring or not thinking about these matters in hopes that they will go away is fool-hearty and irresponsible, if not for you, then your loved ones.

As for dildos and sex toys, there are plenty out there and sales are high. If they were somehow dangerous, against the laws of nature, found to be unpopular by the masses, then they would have disappeared from store shelves and display cases years ago, particularly during the decades prior to the sexual revolution of the 1960s.

It is great that you and your husband are talking about all of these likes, dislikes, and, ways to spice up your sex life. Keep it up.

** If you do make a final determination that penetration is not on your to-do list, then please at least consider the benefits of teasing the nerves on the outside of the anus (for both of you) at the appropriate time.

> I tried do anal myself and it hurt so bad that I just ended up getting mad. I just don't know what to do.

Please read the first article for information on the proper approach to take.

Lastly, I am concerned about your well being with regard to cutting and what I consider to be extreme emotional over reactions. No means stop. This should be sufficient for your husband or any man or woman. Standing firm would also prevent your extreme distress. There is no reason not to stand firm, particularly when the two of you can and do talk to each other; however, you should make your decisions based upon having a broad base of knowledge.

You may want to gain perspective on why you react the way you do by talking to a counselor.

I hope this is of help. After reading the articles, please do not hesitate to ask any additional questions.

-doc

[Rouge]

As an experienced practitioner of anal sex, I have this to say:

STOP! YOU ARE REWARDING HIM FOR IGNORING YOUR BOUNDARIES!

If you don't want it, even a tiny part of you, you will be in pain as your body will be tensed. HE is clearly ignoring your boundaries, and has no regard for your views on this topic. Guys can be curious (mine is ridiculously curious..), but they need to be taught that crossing your boundaries is a huge no.

I believe that you're telling yourself that you want anal, so that you can feel like this type of play has been your choice, but the truth is that you still dislike it very much. Never do something for someone else that will be bad for your sanity. Anal sex is something that many people don't enjoy, despite the amount of it displayed in porn and such, and if you aren't in a right frame of mind, or with a partner who actively listens to what you're saying, you can feel hugely degraded.

I won't even touch on techniques for proper anal, as I believe it would be horrible for you to try it.

Does your husband know that you were cutting yourself over it? If he does, I think it's time to find a new husband.

[stallion51]

Thanks for your input, here is more info and questions answered.

"He says he will drop it and then keeps bringing it up?" It isn't just him that brings it up, it might come up in a joke or something. But mainly because we have unusual jobs. We both manage websites...adult websites. So we see porn 5 days a week, and 5 days a week we have to see anal porn. It isn't something that comes up weekly or monthly, sometimes not for several months, but it still seems to creep up. Sometimes in an arguement, sometimes we just sit and talk about issues. But it isn't always him.

How does he he react and what does he say when you are crying and feeling sick about it? Last night he did what he could to calm me down, In my mind I wanted him to want me, for me, nothing anal involved. I wanted to feel wanted, but that isn't how it worked out. He paid attention to me by giving me a back rub though.

Why are you even considering letting him do it again after your "tore" last time? re you that insure with your marriage that you will let him do this to you at the risk of your health, happiness and sanity? I think that I am willing to do it to make him happy. I don't want to be boring to him, I have to compete with what we see for our job. I feel like he is missing out by being with me but yet has to see all the exciting stuff on the computer everyday. I am very insecure in myself, I don't feel good enough to be with him.


I have researched several times and several ways about going on with anal sex, I am not thinking about doing it like the pros do. I personally feel that anal is disgusting for ME, what other people do is fine, if it is fun for someone else then great, but I get no pleasure from it at all, when he touches the area I don't feel anything positive. Someone said that "Stimulating the anus helps jump start an elusive orgasm in addition to just feeling fantastic", I don't feel that positive effect, it feels like pain and uncomfortablness. He doesn't want me to perform anal acts on him, although I don't want to anyways.

The last time he inserted his finger it was when I was having an orgasm, it didn't make it stronger, it went away and didn't come back.

My reactions may be over the top, but that is just me. I would rather not know about a medical condition rather than have a medical exam. A doctor did do an exam without telling me first, my pants will never be down for that doctor again, I screamed and jumped off the table. It was a reaction, it wasn't something I could control.

I have several sex toys, and I know that there are ones for anal use, that is one that we used, but it hurt, you couldn't get smaller than the one we used either. I had used half a tube of anal ease and tons of KY, but it still hurt.

My husband has said that he wants to drop it, I wish it were that simple. How can it be dropped when it is in our face everyday, it is bound to come up again and again.

He knew that I was cutting myself and he pushed me to go get on meds, which I did for awhile.

I did make an appointment with a counceler and I will go back on meds. I feel like I am a complete mess and I don't want my children to see that.

[Brandye]

1. STAY ON YOUR MEDS!!!!!!!!! those are not to be messed with.

2. Accept the fact that we ALL, men and women, have limits to acceptable behaviour. There is no need for you to allow repeated violation of those limits.

Some women will not do oral; some anal; heavens, some will not even be seen naked with the lights on. You know what the result will be, so do not allow even the mention of it when you two are alone.

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by stallion51

Why are you even considering letting him do it again after your "tore" last time? re you that insure with your marriage that you will let him do this to you at the risk of your health, happiness and sanity?.......... I think that I am willing to do it to make him happy. I don't want to be boring to him, I have to compete with what we see for our job. I feel like he is missing out by being with me but yet has to see all the exciting stuff on the computer everyday. I am very insecure in myself, I don't feel good enough to be with him.

You feel you have to compete with porn? Why?
Has he told you he is bored?

Originally Posted by stallion51

My husband has said that he wants to drop it, I wish it were that simple. How can it be dropped when it is in our face everyday, it is bound to come up again and again.

Well if he has respect for You and your marriage then it should not come up again...

Originally Posted by stallion51

He knew that I was cutting myself and he pushed me to go get on meds, which I did for awhile.
.

So you have other mental issues or was all this because of "Anal Sex" ?

Originally Posted by stallion51

. He doesn't want me to perform anal acts on him, although I don't want to anyways.

and Why not? maybe you need to pressure him and see how it feels for him..


I really think you need some professional help. a New Job or a new husband

[EvilEvilKitten]

STALLION51

STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY

It is quite obvious that the uncaring, unfeeling, immature, bullying lout you call your husband has no respect or love for you as a person in your own right. Why are you still married to him? Do you enjoy being abused, disrespected, and put through hell like this?

"I want to please him"

No, that is not what you're doing. You are trying to appease him thinking that if you cater to him, cower before him, and generally act 'nice-nice' he won't hurt you. Time you learned one thing. Cowering does not work. Cowering and permitting him to continue will only result in his increasing disrespect for you.

The next time he says anything about anal play or anal sex reply with "I want my lawyer." and mean it. Why stay with a bully? With all the good men out in the world there is simply no reason for you to stick with this inconsiderate bastard.
Please read A YEAR ON THE PROGRAM and see what you need to do to keep from 'boring' him. Face it, honey, no man who is with a woman who embraces her sexuality and rejoices in it to full measure could ever be 'bored'.

Also take a look at www.wickedwomangroup.us to get a look at another way.

[lockjaw_69]

evil evil kitten is completely right. if you reli don't want anal to happen and he keeps pressing it on, then either tell him if he keeps asking its over, or just leave him,, idk.. i have tried anal and i reli didn't like it either. so i side with you on this.

[LustyLisa]

Hi Stallion, I see that you are another causuality of the anal sex delima in heterosexual relationships today and that you've bought into the notion that you must please. First, his rights to any sexual favor or act ends where your body begins. Nowhere is it written or ordered that women must accomadate their partners anally ( especially when their male partner has objections to having his own anus violated/exploited!!!) Your husband, like most men have learned that persistence in the form of continued pressure and coercion pays off because so many wonmen back down, not because they want to but because they feel that they have to. What's he gonna do, walk? leave you for rump roast? Would that actually be so bad? If rump roast is more important that you and your feelings, you would be far better off without him torturing you all of the time.
I think down deep, most men know that anal sex isn't all that great for the receiver ( hence, he doesn't want his own anus violated/exploited ) and I also think, deep down, that they respect you even less when you don't stand up for yourself and let them walk all over you. Try to find and flex your authority over your own body and learn how to teach him how you expect to be treated all the while letting him know that you have standards which at the moment he's falling short of meeting! Right now, he's got your gaurd up, making you feel as if you must perform and please. Turn that around on him and watch the lion turn into a mouse!