Need Help With My Relationship

[LTC]

Hi everyone, I'm here asking for help with my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating now for almost 19 months and have been having sex for almost a year, but lately things just feel... boring. I love her a lot, and we have a very mature love. Lately though, I've been feeling like I HAVE to see her all day everyday. Everyone in a relationship knows it's healthy to have time apart, and lately it's been hard because she doesn't have many friends and the only friend she hung out with recently moved to Utah. On top of that, I feel bad leaving her at home because all her mom does it scream and yell at her... but at the same time I know I need time to myself. Everytime I say I need a day to myself she gets all sad and depressed and that just stresses me out more.

Also, I feel like she's becoming a little too "clingy". Like I said she gets depressed when she isn't with me and at least once every 2-3 minutes she says she loves me. Not that it's a bad thing in itself, but hearing it every other sentence and saying it back starts to feel childish after a while and it makes me feel like she's insecure. Also lately I've actually been thinking about and having dreams about other girls... and it hurts because I KNOW my girlfriend is my "soulmate"(if such thing exists) and I plan on marrying her someday, but things have just been getting so dull, repetitive and annoying. Our sex life has become less frequent and more predictable and less passionate. Usually she has 3-4 orgasms during sex(our usual quickies) and I feel like I'm struggling to have 1 orgasm.

We've had our troubles in the past and made it through just fine, but I've also been having a few regrets lately about certain things. 3 months ago I quit smoking weed, and I myself am actually happy I quit... most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I only quit because of her, but that's only when I get mad or depressed and feel like going back to smoking. I really do love her a lot and the last thing I want to do is break up, so does anyone have any advice for me? I really need help, any advice except suggesting breaking up is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[dancingdoc2]

> I'm here asking for help....

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

> My girlfriend and I have been dating now for almost 19 months and have been having sex for almost a year, but lately things just feel... boring.

Please describe "boring" to us. What is going on or not going on that has you bothered? If you mean that your activities are always the same or non-existent, then I suggest learning what she likes doing or would like to do with you, you telling her the same about you, then writing these activities on your calendar at intervals that are appropriate.

If you mean your sex life is mundane--spice it up. More often than not this falls upon us guys, although, gals can often surprise us with the ways in which they initiate lovemaking and dressing to impress as a lead in to sex. If you need help with this, please ask.

> I love her a lot, and we have a very mature love.

Please describe what "mature love" is as you define it.

> Lately though, I've been feeling like I HAVE to see her all day everyday. Everyone in a relationship knows it's healthy to have time apart, and lately it's been hard because she doesn't have many friends and the only friend she hung out with recently moved to Utah.

Yes, this is true, however, "time apart" when dating, and with nothing wrong with the relationship, means not seeing each other every single day. This does not mean you cannot call on the telephone and chat--or not for a day in between. Think about this, married couples are separated for ten hours or more each day because of work and/or school, and this is their "time apart".

Please tell us how old the two of you are. From your description, you both sound young.

> On top of that, I feel bad leaving her at home because all her mom does it scream and yell at her

What actions cause the mother to be explosive?
Is your girlfriend in school? Does she have a job?
Does she do volunteer work?

If one or none, why not? These will get her out of the house and doing things to keep her occupied and feeling good about herself because she is being productive.

> ... but at the same time I know I need time to myself. Everytime I say I need a day to myself she gets all sad and depressed and that just stresses me out more.

Yea, I know. It seems to me that she is young and immature and is looking to you to "complete her". She needs to understand that successful relationships are formed by two autonomous adults deciding to join forces in order to have a life greater than the sum of its two parts. When people are very young, of course they may as yet not be autonomous--meaning living on their own and being self sufficient, even if living at home.

My point being that she has to learn to become one with herself, happy with herself, and then looking to make her life better with a relationship with you. There is a distinct difference between you making a life full of activities for her and her doing this for herself, first.

Back in the old days when women were mostly housewives, and without independent means, their identities were defined thru the husbands. She was Mrs. Jack Smith, rarely if ever, Jane Smith.

> Also, I feel like she's becoming a little too "clingy". Like I said she gets depressed when she isn't with me and at least once every 2-3 minutes she says she loves me. Not that it's a bad thing in itself, but hearing it every other sentence and saying it back starts to feel childish after a while and it makes me feel like she's insecure.

* She is immature.
* She has not yet defined who she is in her own terms
* She (wrongly) believes that she will become whole and complete thru you.

Actually, in my never to be so humble opinion, she like every other girl and boy, needs to be alone so she can take steps to figure out who she is and to develop a satisfying life by herself. So, while you do want time to yourself, whether it is a day or so in between seeing her, or, an actual break in the relationship, it is really her who needs the time by herself. She is missing this important step in growing up, probably because a parent is not giving her the guidance required in this important part of her maturation.

Of course she is insecure, she has not acquired any self-serving history on her own yet. Perhaps you can explain all this to her, or let her read this discussion.

> Also lately I've actually been thinking about and having dreams about other girls... and it hurts because I KNOW my girlfriend is my "soulmate"(if such thing exists) and I plan on marrying her someday,

If you will read the articles in the Index regarding relationships, and explore the forums, you will find more than one reference regarding dating. The purpose of dating lots of people is to learn about the characteristics and characters of others, their likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, values, etc., and how they mesh with our own.

The purpose of dating is not to find the first warm body who expresses an interest in us, and going no farther with the process. You may very well want to continue dating in order to expand your horizons and be better able to recognize when Ms. Right comes along. Please read about dating and also exclusivity and non-exclusivity.

> but things have just been getting so dull, repetitive and annoying. Our sex life has become less frequent and more predictable and less passionate.

Please read the articles by EvilEvilKitten {EEK) for guidance and ideas for spicing up your love life.

As for passion and not being predictable, these take time and effort to learn and implement. Much of this will fall on your shoulders as noted, above.

* Keeping a relationship alive and vital requires time and effort and planning.
* Romance sessions often begin hours or a day ahead of the actual hour of the event. Huh? One thing to think about is planting a seed the night or morning before seeing her. Suggestions are:

* Kiss her in the morning and whisper something about what you have planned for tonight or tomorrow, etc.
* Plan B: Write her a love note stating that you love her, she's gorgeous in your eyes, AND, that you would like to make mad passionate love and what you have planned. (In other words--whet her appetite and anticipation.)

At other times, go about things differently, even if it is only to turn around on the bed with your feet toward the headboard.

Kiss and cuddle with no expectations for having sex. In fact, don't once in a while. Women like kissing and cuddling, and talking; if sex happens it happens, otherwise, the romance of all this is often sufficient in and of itself.

In your make out sessions, if you begin with "A" and progress to "B" etc., mix up the sequence. If you begin with her hair and neck and end up at her toes, reverse the order.

If you always make love on the bed, find and use two or three other places.
If you generally make love at the same time, change the time! As an example, if you always make love at 10:00 PM, make love at 9:00 AM. or any time that is considerably different than the norm.
If you generally employ the same one or two sexual positions, get adventurous and try several others. (Refer to the illustrated animated positions on the Home page.)

If your love making usually lasts 45 minutes--extend it out once in a while to twice that or longer. (NOTE: if you are not devoting a minimum of half an hour to fooling around and making out all before getting to Foreplay and then intercourse, you are proceeding way to rapidly. Read more on this in one of the articles.)

On those days you do not see each other, briefly telephone her just to say "Hi!" and I'm thinking about you, and precious little else--then hang up. It only takes a minute yet means a lot to her.

> Usually she has 3-4 orgasms during sex(our usual quickies) and I feel like I'm struggling to have 1 orgasm.

This is all about methodology and not so much technique. This is also discussed in one or more articles in the Index. Briefly: Let her enjoy the first orgasm, then the two of you can have one or more, and if she still has one left in her, she enjoys the last orgasm. Very often women can climax multiple times and close together, whereas guys can have maybe two or three (depending up age, drive, and how many have come before in a 24 hr. pd.), although, ours are spaced out from perhaps ten minutes to half an hour in between any two. So, why are you struggling to have 1?

> We've had our troubles in the past and made it through just fine, but I've also been having a few regrets lately about certain things. 3 months ago I quit smoking weed, and I myself am actually happy I quit... most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I only quit because of her, but that's only when I get mad or depressed and feel like going back to smoking.

Bank the money you would have otherwise spent on this and see how you feel in six months or a year when you check your bank balance.

> I really do love her a lot and the last thing I want to do is break up, so does anyone have any advice for me? I really need help, any advice except suggesting breaking up is greatly appreciated.

You do not necessarily have to break up; however, you should consider dating other people as noted. In the overall scheme of things, you may or may not be the best fit for each other. You will never know for sure if the two of you do not date others.

I will be happy to work with you more, if you will provide more information.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - she's there alone getting yelled at all day which would annoy and depress a saint, while you go off on you own because you believe that it is good to have some alone time and you wonder why she's getting clingy??!?!?

You've been lucky so far. If she had a spine, she'd have walked out of your life by now.


She might want some alone time, without her mother, to just relax and NOT hear another persons's voice. So why don't you arrange that for her insstead of focusing entirely on yourself? Drop her off at the day spa and pick her up on your way home. OR the library - whatever! As long as it is some place she'd like to go.

As to the sex, please see The Program then do it.

BTW the more you pull away from her, the more she's going to tighten her grip - so I suggest you relax and stop tryinng to escape before she's ready to let you go.

[its_legal@16]

or what you could do mate is grow a pair and realise she really likes you and accept that, after the evening i've had im be happy to have something as simple as that, rather than watching my girl friend do things i dont want to explain on here, not good.

we all get down, it's a fact of life, and having a break does really bring you closer, even if it's for a day or two, see if you can entertain her else where for a while, giver her some time to herself where she should forget her dependence on your company

then again, what do i know, last time i posted on this sight i got shouted off for conflicting views with a senior member, which personally is incredibly selfish, but hey thats the American culture for you.

[EvilEvilKitten]

then again, there's nothing like an Englishman:
"never before have so many people been so mistreated so politely"

Actually she needs to become increasingly independent of you, LTC.
But that will not happen until she gets out of that house, gets on her own and begins building a life for herself.

[LTC]

dancingdoc2: What I mean by boring is we do the same thing everytime we see eachother, usually I pick her up and we go to my house and watch tv and sometimes "please eachother"(manual/oral) and when my parents are out we have sex. Usually for the most part we lay around and watch tv, and that's pretty much it. We used to hang out with my friends a lot but after a while it became too dramatic and stressful.

In terms of sex, it has become a bit boring... though lately we've been trying new things, such as talking dirty and I also bought her some new bras and panties for Christmas to spice things up a bit.

When I say mature love, it's almost as though we're best friends. We don't have to be all over eachother all the time. It's not one of those "relationships" most people our age(we are both 18 and still in High School) have, where they start dating and the next day they are posting all over Facebook/Myspace "I love him/her SO much!!!". Neither of us loved anyone before we met eachother.

Like I said we are both still in High School and we are both unemployed because it's hard to find a job in our area, I only know 2-3 people who have gotten a job within the past year. I do agree that she isn't completely matured yet, and that's partly because her mom treated her like a little kid up until just a few months ago and never let her have a life away from her.

I think it's been hard for me to have 1 orgasm because lately I've been really stressed out and it makes it hard to wait til my parents go out for the night, if you catch my drift...

To be completely honest, I don't want to date other girls and I don't feel like we aren't fit for eachother, just that we've hit another bump in the road. My girlfriend is very different than most 18 year old girls, she is honest, nice, trustworthy and we share a lot of the same interests. I don't have to worry that she's cheating on me or anything like that. Thanks for all your advice, it was greatly appreciated.


EvilEvilKitten: No no it's not like that, I only get a night to myself maybe every 2-3 weeks. 95% of the time I'm with her unless I'm busy, and it's not like I ditch her to go do whatever I want. I always talk to her about it and see if it's okay that I have time to myself, and usually I just spend the night relaxing at home by myself. Also I'm not trying to escape from her, I'm just the kind of guy who likes time alone sometimes.

its_illegal@16: I do know she really loves me, and I really love her... and I would never take it for granted, which is why I said I don't want to break up with her. She is the only person who is nice to me, she is always there when I'm feeling down, she puts up with me and makes me feel important. She really does love me, I know that and I accept that... but at times I feel smothered if you know what I mean. I wake up, go to school, pick her up, spend all day with her, drop her off, go to sleep, then repeat. I am and always have been a solitary person, and I really like just being by myself sometimes, no one else. It's relaxing for me.



Thank you all for your input and advice, although I feel I gave you the wrong idea... it's not like I think we can't fix our relationship, I just wanted to get some advice from people who might have gone through similar problems. Any additional advice on how to spice up our relationship to make it more exciting for both of us(I think she's been getting a little bored too) is very appreciated. Thank you.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I did say The Program and to that you can add Body Worship. That should spice things up nicely!

OH drat! They'ere still in high school.
Well, do what you can to incorporate the two above into your 'routine'.

"Cheat on you" - yeah, well you know what I think about that worry

[dancingdoc2]

Thank you very much for the feedback and clarification, LTC. It is not often that follow-up requests for information are given by the o/p who requested help yet will not give more details.

[QUOTE=LTC;251412]dancingdoc2: What I mean by boring is we do the same thing every time we see each other, usually I pick her up and we go to my house and watch tv and sometimes "please each other"(manual/oral) and when my parents are out we have sex. Usually for the most part we lay around and watch tv, and that's pretty much it. We used to hang out with my friends a lot but after a while it became too dramatic and stressful.

I understand. "Been there done that!"
Do you live in a rural area? Small town? Large city? Not in, although nearby a metropolitan area? What climate do you live in? Cold? Mild? Warm?

I grew up in a small community in the heart of California's Mother Lode gold country an hour or so from the big city (Sacramento), so I know about having limited resources for fun and games. Being in high school and college, I also know about having limited funds with which to finance dates and other activities.

What is important is exploring likes and dislikes as well as unknowns and becoming imaginative and creative about what to do and how to go about those activities. So, get out your thinking cap and conjure up some ideas that the two of you might enjoy doing.

* Go on hikes
* Explore bicycle trails
* Movies
* Theater plays
* Window shopping at the mall
* Good albeit inexpensive restaurants
* Getting together with friends for board and/or card games
* Doing volunteer work. Ask her to investigate becoming a
"Candy Striper" at a local hospital.
* Attending some of the special events listed in the newspaper or on TV.

> we are both still in High School and we are both unemployed because it's hard to find a job in our area, I only know 2-3 people who have gotten a job within the past year.

What about fast food restaurants? There is always a high turnover rate inherent with these types of businesses. These may not be ideal jobs, yet taking them will teach both of you about organization, work related skills, responsibility, customer care, manners, tolerance--and, give you some money to spend and save. I met a boy a few years ago who was driving around in a newish car. I commented on his parents' good taste and he said it was his car and that he earned the money working as a cashier at one of the burger joints! I also know a young man who now works as an electrician for one of the railroad companies. He bankrolled money for college and the toys he wanted by cutting his neighbors' lawns and doing odd jobs. (His "toys" consisted of a pickup truck, boat and trailer! He still had a few dollars left over for his girlfriend.) So, work is there and at your ages, you cannot afford to be choosy. (My next door neighbor is an architect. With the slumping economy, he is no longer designing. In order to pay the bills, he is now a traveling route salesman selling restaurant supplies.)

Both of you should place applications with all the fast food restaurants nearby, and consider doing anything honest that brings in the money. You will learn valuable life skills, and, make new friends.

In terms of sex, it has become a bit boring... though lately we've been trying new things, such as talking dirty and I also bought her some new bras and panties for Christmas to spice things up a bit.

This is a good start, although, personally, I am not a fan of talking dirty.
* Flip around on the bed with your feet toward the headboard.
* Look at the illustrated animated sexual positions shown on the Home page.
* Take a bath or shower together. (Do both: first a nice warm soaking together in the tub, then finishing in the shower.) Wash each other using your hands, no wash cloth. Dry each other off by patting your skin--no rubbing.
* Take a hike when the weather is warm and go off the trail and make out. Take a blanket, pillow, and picnic lunch/dinner.
* Find a river, stream, pond, lake, and find a secluded place next to the water.
* If you always make love on the bed, go somewhere else. Try the sofa, a chair, dining room table, hammock or lawn chair, carpeted floor for variety.
* If you always make out the same way, change or vary the order. Instead of always "A,B,C", do "C,B,A", or "B,C,A", etc.
* If you spend less than half an hour making out, understand that this is too brief a time to build her arousal and excitement sufficiently. Spend no less than half an hour. You will also benefit from the extra time.
* Sometime when you are out and about by yourself, drive along one or more country back roads and locate a wide spot in the road, a driveway to a pasture, and make a mental note of where it is then take her there sometime after the sun goes down. (Also, is there an area in your community like a "Lovers' Lane" or hill overlooking the lights where kids go to park?)
* Speaking of picnic baskets, when the weather is nice, go to KFC, or other restaurant, pack some food and go have a picnic lunch or dinner. If no trails are nearby, go to a local park. (Alternately, make the meals yourself and surprise her.)

Your task is to discover how creative you can be without necessarily spending money--or much of it. So, turn the TV off, and get your brain working on all this.

Continued below.

[dancingdoc2]

When I say mature love, it's almost as though we're best friends. We don't have to be all over each other all the time. It's not one of those "relationships" most people our age (we are both 18 and still in High School) have, where they start dating and the next day they are posting all over Facebook/Myspace "I love him/her SO much!!!". Neither of us loved anyone before we met each other.

Gotcha. Thanks for the explanation. You are on the right track with this.

Like I said we are both still in High School and we are both unemployed because it's hard to find a job in our area, I only know 2-3 people who have gotten a job within the past year. I do agree that she isn't completely matured yet, and that's partly because her mom treated her like a little kid up until just a few months ago and never let her have a life away from her.

Asked and answered elsewhere.

I think it's been hard for me to have 1 orgasm because lately I've been really stressed out and it makes it hard to wait til my parents go out for the night, if you catch my drift...

Well, again, thanks for the clarification. I was thinking you meant you are finding it difficult to climax during a lovemaking session. You may find it helpful to read this article concerning masturbation and especially the section on stress management:

Boys and Masturbation / Got questions?

To be completely honest, I don't want to date other girls and I don't feel like we aren't fit for each other, just that we've hit another bump in the road. My girlfriend is very different than most 18 year old girls, she is honest, nice, trustworthy and we share a lot of the same interests. I don't have to worry that she's cheating on me or anything like that. Thanks for all your advice, it was greatly appreciated.

Just FYI--there is no "cheating" until there is a marriage contract. Until then each person is free to do as s/he pleases. I do know what you mean by this, although, it is important to understand that even when dating and in an exclusive committed relationship (not recommended), there is no ownership.

EvilEvilKitten: No no it's not like that, I only get a night to myself maybe every 2-3 weeks. 95% of the time I'm with her unless I'm busy, and it's not like I ditch her to go do whatever I want. I always talk to her about it and see if it's okay that I have time to myself, and usually I just spend the night relaxing at home by myself. Also I'm not trying to escape from her, I'm just the kind of guy who likes time alone sometimes.

Again, thank you for the additional information. In my never to be so humble opinion at your age each of you should have plenty of time to yourselves. Even today, these many years later, I am like you, I enjoy my solo time. So does my better half, yet when we get together at the end of the day we make the most of it, even if all I do is let her unwind after work, read a book, or whatever. Each of us have our own interests, as well as those like dancing that we enjoy together. It is not unusual for her to go off for the weekend by herself a few times during the year and go camping, or, hiking {which I also enjoy).

It is important for your girlfriend to know and understand that she has to learn to develop her own identity and sense of self. She cannot expect you to make her who she is or desires to become. WRONG. Our tasks as a mate is to augment and make each other better. So, if you are letting her read this discussion, this is for her.

its_illegal@16: I do know she really loves me, and I really love her... and I would never take it for granted, which is why I said I don't want to break up with her. She is the only person who is nice to me, she is always there when I'm feeling down, she puts up with me and makes me feel important. She really does love me, I know that and I accept that... but at times I feel smothered if you know what I mean. I wake up, go to school, pick her up, spend all day with her, drop her off, go to sleep, then repeat. I am and always have been a solitary person, and I really like just being by myself sometimes, no one else. It's relaxing for me.

Understand that at 18, both of you are in transition with regard to your development. It may come to pass that you will remain together, yet statistically, teens and people in their early twenties do go on to date others and marry someone who is quite different than the person(s) they dated earlier.

Thank you all for your input and advice, although I feel I gave you the wrong idea... it's not like I think we can't fix our relationship, I just wanted to get some advice from people who might have gone through similar problems. Any additional advice on how to spice up our relationship to make it more exciting for both of us(I think she's been getting a little bored too) is very appreciated. Thank you.

Oh, my friend, you are "human", therefore, not at all terribly unique. Most of us have gone thru what you are experiencing, and this is the why behind this website. We offer experiences and recommendations to those who are coming up thru the ranks behind us in the hope of making life easier. We enjoy "paying it forward."

Lastly, are the two of you reading the articles listed in the Index and discussing what you have learned?

[LTC]

I understand what you're saying dancingdoc2, I've read about the statistics of high school relationships, but like I said... with my girlfriend it's like I know she is the one. I know exactly how cliche that sounds and I myself have heard people say it a million times, only to be broken up with the next week. It's not like that with us though, we both trust eachother, we both enjoy doing the same things, etc. It's kind of like she is the female version of me.

Lots of people have told me that I should date around more before deciding to stay in a commited relationship, and there is one thing I realize about those people... they're not happy. The kinds of people who have told me that are: A 20 year old pot-head who still lives with his parents and has no job; My best friend who does shrooms, acid, smokes weed and drinks a lot to make up for how depressed he is; A 22 year old pot-head/burnout who still lives with his parents and no job, he donated plasma for a living(basically, to get weed).

I'm not trying to say that you're wrong, being in high school I've seen people get together and break up before I even know about it. So I know what you mean, and I'm not saying that we will get married... I don't know know what the future holds, but I do know that in general she makes me happy and that's what matters to me. Guys I know usually only care about looks, how hot/sexy a girl is, etc. I've never really been that kind of guy who only cares about that... if I had a girlfriend who was really sexy, but always bitched and complained about everything, I would drop her off at the curb. My girlfriend has a real personality that is different than most girls our age. I watched my best friend(the one who smokes, does acid/shrooms and drinks all the time now) go through the worst pain ever, he fell in love with a girl who was cheating on her boyfriend with him(and another guy too). Even worse, I was the one who found out about it... and I was the one who had to tell him. I also knew that she was a slut and that something like that would happen, but everyone told me I was just jealous because "Dan has a hot girlfriend and you don't". Overall, I know people and I get very good very quick with telling how a person really is. I'm rarely... very rarely wrong about someone.

So I've had a lot of experience with relationships, especially bad relationships through friends and it's very easy to tell that my girlfriend isn't like that. I bet if you met her, you could tell within minutes that she is a nice, honest and trustworthy person. I'm getting really off-track here... so I'll skip to what I mainly wanted to say haha. Today when I woke up we were kind of flirting over texting and continued most of the day, although not the most romantic... you gotta take what you can get. It actually made a big difference, I picked her up after school and brought her to my house, we made out for maybe 10-15 minutes(not as long as you suggested, but she gets there quick), and we both manually pleased eachother. She had 2 orgasms and I had 1 but it was the most incredible orgasm I've ever had... it was so amazing that I was almost embarrassed.

I have to go now to go pick her up again, my parents went out tonight so we'll see how that goes.... Thanks again doc, I'll talk to you later.