Is it me? Any advice plz

[twolf]

1st off-let me give you background info leading up 2 where I'm at now plz...I'm 39,became a widow and my kids left me to move back to their father(my 1st husband-married VERY young-2 young) in FL in 2007,started dating again in Feb of 2009. Lots N lots of 1st dates...there r some weird guys out there,had 2 excuse myself to the bathroom and sneak out the back door of the restaurants a few times-seriously. Then there was G, we began talking on the phone in April 2009 and due to many family issues(on my side) everytime we made plans for a date they fell thru.Come July we finally made solid plans 2 watch 4th of July fireworks together and he was going to cook for me-NO MAN HAS EVER DONE THAT FOR ME(it was good 2!). The night before our 1st date some who I thought was a friend called and said they were really upset and needed to talk to someone and stupid me said yes...well what he wanted I did not want to give and by saying no I was assaulted-had to barricade myself in a room till 911 came out n had to do the whole Emergency Room thing when docs,nurses n cops take samples,pics,etc...it was horrifying but when I got in I pulled my shit together because NOTHING was going to stop me from FINALLY meeting G...only knew what he looked like from pics,only had over the phone,messages,texts,etc...I HAD TO MEET HIM, SEE THE MAN BEHIND THAT VOICE AND AMAZING CONVERSATIONS...I'll admit...I suck at directions and my eyesight sucks as well so he had to meet me at the McDnlds so I could follow him to where we were going...He got out of his car and began to walk towards me...when he got close enough for me to actually see his eyes---I knew at that moment, I just knew...those beautiful soulful eyes and a shit eatin grin melted me...we said Hi and I hugged him n he hugged back---what I felt at that moment and continue to feel is so different but in a great more intense and deep way...more then I felt with my late husband or any other man I've been with...so here we are its Jan 25,2010...been lots of drama with people saying/trying shit to cause problems between us-jealousy?they got nothing better to do but want others to have shit relationships like theirs? I don't know but after mths of these people getting to me I've opt'd out and cleaned house so to speak. I lost my home to foreclosure this month n it has been very stressful and emotional...something G dont/cant handle real well. G still does go onto some of the dating type sites...says it boosts his ego...Well that I dont get because I am the type of person that says what I feel and 2 me he is an Adonis,intelligent,caring,loving and a real MAN...just about all the men in my past had the theory of if something breaks or needs to be done just pay someone to do it...SO NOT G!!! HE IS ALL MAN AND I LOVE THAT SIDE OF HIM!!! People that I thought were friends tell me that he's "keeping his options open" by still going on those dating sites or that he's trying to get some Hook-Ups on the side...some have even sent me copies of the messages that have gone back n forth between him and some of these females...some of these messages I know where "doctored" cause the dates and times of some of them are impossible because he was with me at the time but anyway...they are real flirty, he's even invited some over or 2 meet someplace...I've told him many times that it does bother me that he goes on these sites n he tells me that ego stuff n that he does it just to prove to himself how females are now a days and that i am different...I just dont know about all that...I dont have a need to prove anything like that-I ALREADY KNOW-and I dont need a ego booster from any OTHER MAN-I WANT IT ONLY FROM HIM!!!! If any of you can tell me your thoughts on that I'd appreciate ie---I come from a past of being abused in every sense of the word since I was 5 yrs old, there were times I wasn't allowed to even speak for weeks or else...the longest time without speaking was 6 mths...so now that I'm out of there I will admit I am VERY VERY talkative n that bugs the hell out of G, I try n keep trying to not be so talkative by keeping busy doing things or reading/writing,do my art or crafts but since all was packed up for the move...yes...I was a damn chatty kathy doll n G is getting really bothered by it--by choice he has been alone for lil over 10 yrs because he didnt/couldn't handle the bullshit drama lots of people bring and also the females he has been with(including his ex wife) really hurt,used and took him for some $ so he's use2 quiet...Tips anyone? When I'm feeling insecure (ALOT OF TIMES,but I continue to work on that with help) I just want to HEAR that G wants me-not sexually,thats great 2 but I think yall know what I mean. Just with losing so much in the last 3 years and closing the door for the last time at the place that is being foreclosed on the other day I'm feeling insecure and like a failure, I just wanted to hear it from G.He's not the gushy let your feelings flow out type of guy and even though I know that I pushed yesterday...I have some serious health probs n wasn't feeling well all day and no matter what I did my blood pressure was thru the roof n when I pushed it he got so angry and frustrated and I did want to stay another night w/him but he didnt want me 2 because of feeling pressured n he felt I was making excuses to stay longer n longer(I WASNT, I TRULY DID NOT FEEL WELL N GOT MY BLOOD PRESSURE MACHINE THAT IS COMPUTERIZED SO CANT MAKE THAT TYPE OF THING UP)n alot of the things he said were just hurtful and untrue...it hurts and I'm not sure what to do now...he wouldn't even hug me or give me a quick kiss when I left....do I just give him time? not call,msg,text,etc...him? ANYONE PLZ, I NOT ONLY LOVE THIS MAN I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND ADORE HIM SO...I never cared for someone this much...so deeply, truly, intensely n from my core being-my soul....I'LL TAKE ANY ADVICE/TIPS....Thank You for reading thru all this crazy crap from a female that is crying here eyes n feels so lost and confused.
Tracy

[EvilEvilKitten]

TWolf - honey - stop trying to go through all of this alone!

This is going to hurt but, seriously, you need to drop the whole dating scene, let G go (I'd have kicked him in head long ago btw), and get yourself into counseling because you need to find your center, stop crawling to men and start building your life from scratch and that's enough work for anyone. Now is the time to invest in yourself.

You need to get with an experienced professional counselor. Do it now.

[twolf]

I have been in n out n in again w/thearpy since I was very young and continue currently. I chose 2 walk away from my house and have them foreclose on it...that was where my late husband passed away and the pain that the memories of him and my kids when they were living with me we not worth taking away my happiness or my sanity. Where I live now may not be a good area but I can afford it and still have some $ left after all is taken care of. I am at point in my life that for the 1st time I am happy and dont need anyone,not even G 2 be happy but when I'm w/G I'm blissfully happy...I only wanted to HEAR what I see in his eyes and feel in his touch and when I pushed it he lost it. He was in a horrible car wreck in early 2000's n he does have 10% loss of function in his temporal lobe and I know that is where our emotions are processed...maybe thats why he dont know how 2 express verbally...I dont know...the talkativeness is something I really am working on and I was doing great but once all my "tools" were packed up 4 the move I became chatty kathy doll again and that bothers him...the sex we have is extremly amazingly hot,sensual,intense,totally uninhibited--MIND BLOWING.He never pushed sex when we 1st began dating,he was very patient and it was well worth the wait. We are extremely active numerous times a day and that passion is still there and the loving look and touch are still there. We were having a great time yesterday-active a few times--amazing as ever n better each time...then I pushed saying I'd like to hear the wanting every once in a while and BOOM--he got angry and frustrated...I am IN LOVE w/G and I'd hate to see it end over my wanting to hear him just say I want you out loud.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Unfortunately, you haven't yet lost the habit of going down on your knees and permit your heart to rule your head. Here you are 39 and yet you sound like someone who is 13.

You, a damaged person, date a damaged man who your emotions scare and yet you expect to be happy and fulfilled.

Build a satisfying, self-sufficient life of your own BEFORE you do anything else.

[twolf]

Every time I rule with my head anything that can go wrong does. I do not consider either of us as damaged...losing a spouse doesn't make me damaged. After years of being his best friend,wife,lover,his medical care taker(I'm a nurse)chemo/radiation was clearly not going to help and he stopped all treatment and his death was expected and it gave us time to cherish each moment and love to the fullest. After all that had happened to me in my youth till this day none of it has killed me yet and they say what dont kill you only makes you stronger...I have had the REAL LOVE and it is amazing and I feel blessed for that and now-to love another even stronger,deeper and truly is also a blessing...I dont look at his brain injury as making him damaged either...I know from my profession that that area of the brain is what controls our emotions-I have never really interacted with someone with the injuries that he has. I was hoping to hear from people that may have some experience with that area because I am wondering if my asking someone with that type of injury to be more verbal is too much for em to process...My life is satisfying and I am self sufficient-my kids(twins) went to live with their dad and go to school in FL and I've been a widow since 2007...was forced to be self sufficient and walking away and letting my mortgage company foreclose on my home has allowed me to have closure to that chapter of my life and to me its a great thing and feeling to be able to go forward but I dont see how going and loving with my heart is a bad thing especially since I DO know what the REAL thing is and feels like and to have even more love for someone then a past love that was for real I dont see as wrong...I AM HAPPY ON MY OWN;HOWEVER, WHEN I AM WITH G IT IS BLISSFULLY HAPPY and MORE SATISFYING THEN ANYTHING I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED...I guess I need to do some more research on his type of brain injury and the lasting effects it can have.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"Every time I rule with my head anything that can go wrong does."

Example, please?

Because the facts do not look good:
1. he goes on dating sites for the ego boost
2. he doesn't believe you when you say you're ill
3. he has issues and a past history of having issues with women
4. you get chatty and he doesn't like it
5. he is of an age where he should be able to more effectively deal with issues and handicaps yet doesn't

You are a nurse because you want to care for people and are more empathetic and sympathetic than most. But harsh or not, they don't give nursing licenses to you just because you're a sweetheart. So what gives?

[twolf]

Examples...well the list is way 2 long for this forum but one example is moving to NC from FL for all the right reason:financially, environmentally, medically and logically for my family...did all the research about the area n it fit everything that we needed...the area of FL where we lived is not what it once was...basically got into a house that perfect but I was 2 busy trying to keep my husband comfortably alive and didnt notice that when the builder sold my mortgage they didnt transfer the life insurance pay off 4 the house in case 1 of us passed and well as I said b4-I have to walk away from it now...cant afford it and way 2 many memories that stall my happiness and I know my late husband would not want that for me...the high standards that the schools up here claim is BS...they r behind about 2yrs compared 2 FL so after a family discussion (their dad-was included on speaker phone) we all decided it was best for them to go back to FL for their education which means I had to say goodbye n them going on 18(twin boy/girl) they r so busy making a life for themselves we barely get to see each other...the medical facilities here were willing to try again to get my late husband on a transplant list but things move so slow up here it didnt happen in time...the ppl and places seemed real friendly and family oriented up here-made dozens of trips b4 the final decision to move here but once up here it became clear that they dont mind the visitors but they dont like when outsiders move into their towns and they make that very clear...me originally being from Brooklyn NY and having that accent I stick out like a sore thumb...I dont think I need to go on anymore about this example...

From what other men have told me when I asked their advice about the ego boost thing is that its a guy thing...I'm a female an I know I get an ego boost when a male shows interest but I dont need to seek it out...Him not believing me about being ill...I really dont know what to think about that...we spoke earlier n he did apologize for that and his reactions...his issues w/the women in his past were horrific-his ex wanted to pull the plug for life insurance $-nice huh?,others took advantage of his kindness and either took him for $ or used him to just do things for them...I didnt get all this info just from him but when we visited where he lived b4 his family and others have told me all about these things...after all that I do get why he is leery...I'D BE...he has said many a time that when he's not with me he thinks of how we are and how amazingly we mesh together in every area not just sexually and then he asks himself is this 2 good 2 be true-its perfect...I wont lie-its crossed my mind as well-is this 2 good 2 be true but my brain does function well and I can think things through...he dont have that advantage...the chattiness-since the day I left my parents (who told me I was meant to be seen and not heard n if I did speak I paid the consequences-the longest time I had to go w/out speaking was 6 mths n alot of that time was spent locked in a closet) I am overly talkative-I can go on n on about nothing-but I've been working on that w/help and have found ways to curb that-reading,cooking,crafts,art...lil busy work but w/all my stuff packed for the move I dont have much to do...now that everything is just about unpacked I have my tools,so 2 speak, back....being disabled and living on social security dont leave you w/much money...I know this for a fact because I am disabled now due to a spinal injury...he's always been 2 proud 2 ask 4 help and had no idea of the options for health care that are available other then medicare--which dont pay for jack anymore--he could not afford the appropriate follow up medical treatment for the lasting effects of his injuries and the longer u wait with injuries like that the more you lose function and it becomes impossible to regain that.I have helped him in that area and as of Jan 1 he has good insurance and I also helped him go down 2 fill out the papers for state assistance w/paying his medical premiums and he has doc appts set already...he is from a totally different type of background growing up-he's a country boy...me-a city girl... but were both from very abusive dysfunctional families and both survived through it knowing in our hearts, mind and soul that there is a better way then this just do our time till old enough 2 leave...

As far as being a nurse...it was because I wanted to give back...I worked my way up from medical transcription 2 lead trauma nurse while going to school and raising twins...I've seen so many senseless deaths but have also seen miracles...I loved my job but I cannot physically do it anymore so now I volunteer work w/in the health care system when I can.

Where G n I stand right now I dont know exactly but I do know how I feel about him and for him and no, he's not some project because I miss my profession, I fell in love w/him b4 I even knew about his health problems. I do know that he's worth working through this tough patch and I wont give up...never have given up on anything...many patients are grateful for that and I am as well...if I got through my life w/my family I can get through anything...

[EvilEvilKitten]

A guy thing - please. It isn't a guy thing, it is an insecure guy thing but from what I've heard these sites have upteen million guys chasing maybe 26 women so how much of an ego boost could it really be?

BTW if you paid for the life insurance for the house, the life insurance should have paid out - get a lawyer onto it. Pay your bar association $30 and get a referral to a specialist. Sic him/her onto the insurer. There's money there that you're leaving behind including the equity in your home.