Need help / advice

[Preslar]

Hi S101

First time poster here in need of advice. I've been married to my wife for about 3 years now, together for about 10. I still love her very much - and don't want our relationship to end in any way. Having said that I hate to say I'm deeply dissatisfied with our sex life. We're both each other's first and only partners, so we don't really have any experiance from other relationships - so it was always a learning curve for both of us. We were going through a stage in our early relationship where we were having sex regularly (2-3 times a week) but then it slackened off. For the last 6-7 years though we constantly go through big up and down periods.

Recently we have sex maybe once or twice a month, and it's really getting too me. We always try and talk to each other and be open, so when we discuss how it's effecting us and our relationship we usually resolve to try and do better, and have relations more regularly (even if not sex, passionate kissing etc at least) which sometimes lasts for a few days - but then slides back towards the old habits.

Not having been in many (any other) relationships I don't know what is normal, and "if this is how it should be" or if I'm being selfish at all expecting too much. I suppose I'm here asking for advice on what's 'normal', getting a lot off my chest which I think will hurt her if I say it too her, because I really do love her still.

I can think of a few possibilities, perhaps she just doesn't find my physically attractive any more? She says she does but obviously I wouldn't expect her to say otherwise. Perhaps I'm no good in bed and she doesn't find it enjoyable?

The sex itself I can't really say if it's good or bad, since I don't really have a comparison to go against. It's usually fairly reserved but she is willing to try a few different positions. Not very keen on oral sex (either giving or recieving). Sometimes she will let me tie her up etc or use a sex toy, but will never initate the idea's herself. In fact I find that she will never initiate sex on her own, she seems extremely shy and reserved about it. I have certainly tried talking to her about it, but I can honestly say after being together 10 years I couldn't say what really turns her on in bed, or what she enjoys. I feel like a complete arsehole for that, and it is really something that gets to me, but I assure you it's not from lack of trying on my part. Whenever we talk about what she likes her response is always "I don't know", she never opens up to me about sex. I can't say if this is a protection measure or if she genuinely doesn't. If the second is true I'm not sure what I can do to help her find out apart from what I'm doing, introducing new things and always wanting to try new stuff.

It's so frustrating not knowing if she simply doesn't enjoy sex (is it possible?), doesn't enjoy me, or after all this time simply won't open up too me? I really want more but I don't know if that's simply being selfish, or if I should stay in a relationship I'm not 100% happy with (I know there will be some negatives in EVERY relationship).

We've tried talking to her doctor about it. We've tried changing her pill she is on incase it's lowering her labido, we even went off it for a while which did seem to help. Saying that we had a few scares with broken condom's so we went back on it.

I'm sorry if this is a disjointed post folks, I'm really just pouring my heart out in the early hours of the morning after another disappointing night with no intamcy and I really need to talk. I'll try and sum it up

- How can I get my wife's labido to increase?
- How can I find out / help her find out what she enjoys in bed?
- What's "normal" for a long term relationship, am I simply being selfish expecting too much from her / being unfair?

No matter what though, please know I do love my wife - I'm here trying to fix what is broken, but I don't care how bad things get I still want too stick by her if there is any chance of fixing things.

Thanks S101, hopefully you can come out with a few suggestions.

[loverofcurves]

Hello!
I could of written the exact lettter a little over a year ago. PLEASE READ MY ARTICLE AT THE TOP OF THE TOPIC LIST A year in the program the evolution of a marraige. Then PM me so i answer any of your questions. I am not saying that shazam this will fix everything but it will give you a road map as to how to get things heading in the right direction. Also read The Program sicky from EEK and the body Worship sticky[. I'm very glad you wrote here . There are a lot of realy nice people here who can help you and your wife. You made the 1st step so lets now get you armed with a program. Don't despair you admitted there is a problem and now you can do something about it.
Best Regards,
Karl Lover of Curves

[loverofcurves]

BTW don't beat up on yourself so much. You are a lot like other guys and so is your wife a lot like other women in that a lot of us do not REALLY know our own bodies and how they can be used to the optimum sexually. Again read the stickies on this topic are then my article and I think you wil be happily amazed. Further you should get in touch with EEK she did an incredible job with helping my wife and I . I am positive she can help you. No she didn't charge anything either! She's just a very good person!
Karl Lover of Curves

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information.

Originally Posted by Preslar

Hi S101

First time poster here in need of advice. I've been married to my wife for about 3 years now, together for about 10. I still love her very much - and don't want our relationship to end in any way. Having said that I hate to say I'm deeply dissatisfied with our sex life.

It is gratifying to hear that your relationship is generally satisfying. Let's see what can be done to spice it up.

We're both each other's first and only partners, so we don't really have any experiance from other relationships - so it was always a learning curve for both of us.

"Experience" and learning about others is why we (continue to) recommend dating lots of people before deciding on the one. Dating during the teen years and into the twenties, and throughout life should involve more than the first warm body who expresses an interest in us.

That it did not still places a couple in the same place regarding experience and learning about love, romance, and, sex, with regard to each other. Please read the article that discusses experience for more on this.

We were going through a stage in our early relationship where we were having sex regularly (2-3 times a week) but then it slackened off. For the last 6-7 years though we constantly go through big up and down periods.



Recently we have sex maybe once or twice a month, and it's really getting too me. We always try and talk to each other and be open, so when we discuss how it's effecting us and our relationship we usually resolve to try and do better, and have relations more regularly (even if not sex, passionate kissing etc at least) which sometimes lasts for a few days - but then slides back towards the old habits.

Why the ups and downs? Have you attempted to analyze why? Have you asked your wife for her insight? Whether yes or no, it seems to me that a/nother discussion is called for. That said, does she recognize that a problem exists? Is she interested in addressing the problems as you and/or she sees them?

Key to a successful relationship is communication and feedback. It is extremely important to establish a free flowing approach to this. There is an old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." The same can be said for the man in the relationship. It is important that each of you recognize and then understand your respective discontent and then work on solving whatever the problems are. Apparently, this is not being done. So, have a discussion about this and set up neutral ground and a neutral time to have a non-confrontation discussion, each time there is an issue to be worked out.

Early on in my business life, I had a district manager who told his managers when making yearly, monthly, or weekly plans for their respective businesses to "plan your work and work you plan". What seems to be missing with the two of you is a clear mission statement and then a commitment to follow thru and give each other feedback at certain intervals.

Not having been in many (any other) relationships I don't know what is normal, and "if this is how it should be" or if I'm being selfish at all expecting too much. I suppose I'm here asking for advice on what's 'normal', getting a lot off my chest which I think will hurt her if I say it too her, because I really do love her still.

No, this is not how a relationship should be, yet way too many are. A relationship is not one-sided. It is an equal partnership in which we give to the other in order to receive--not one in which we take to get. Here are my first recommendations for you:
* Upon waking each morning and before getting out of bed, look at her and ask yourself "what can I do today to make her life better and more enjoyable?" Then set about doing it.

This can be as simple as writing her a hand written love note for her to find; taking out the trash and/or doing other unexpected tasks around the house that she normally does.**

Plan C- telephone her sometime during the day just to proclaim "I love you", and nothing else. Short, sweet, and hang up.

I can think of a few possibilities, perhaps she just doesn't find my physically attractive any more? She says she does but obviously I wouldn't expect her to say otherwise. Perhaps I'm no good in bed and she doesn't find it enjoyable?

These are the discussions you need to have and why "communication" is key in a relationship. Wondering equals stagnation.

If you look paunchy and out of shape, then make a visible and concerted effort to make changes; although, unless you have really gone to pot, I doubt this is the reason.

If you are not good in bed, then why? The answer to this is to agree to work together to change things for the better. While you can make changes, it helps if she is receptive to those changes, and is also a willing partner in learning to do better, also.

Begin by reading the articles listed in the Index. Knowledge is empowering. Next, find some interesting new approach to what you do and implement it.

Next, plan your work and work your plan by scheduling a "play date" on the calendar. Just as you might have other activities scheduled, schedule time for the two of you. If you have young children, send them to be early; or, change your schedule to wake up an hour earlier than usual; or, get a baby sitter or send them off to a family member or close friend for a few hours.

** If "home work" is one sided, then one or the other of you needs to pitch in and equalize the chores and tasks. (I grew up being taught that a man's job around the house was "around the house"--outside. That we lived in apartments and duplexes the first several years where lawn care was taken care of by landscaping services meant in my mind, I hand nothing to do. It didn't matter that my wife also worked, and had to cook and clean for the both of us in addition. What a wake-up call I got one day!)

Whatever you do, do the unexpected for her.

Part 2 follows:

[dancingdoc2]

The sex itself I can't really say if it's good or bad, since I don't really have a comparison to go against. It's usually fairly reserved but she is willing to try a few different positions.

Please read the articles by EvilEvilKitten {EEK) beginning with "The Program". Discuss the information in her series of articles with each other and and make it a lifestyle change. (A new report from a couple who has lived the "Program" for a year has just been posted.)

I urge the two of you to read the rest of the articles listed in order to re-familiarize yourselves with the how-to's of making out and making love. Find small changes that you can do, even if at first all you do is (1) turn around on the bed and face the foot instead of the head of the bed, (2) change the time of day so you are not predictable.

* Schedule date nights and go for dinner.
* Give her time for herself. Do what is necessary in
order for her to do things by herself, even if all it is
is a walk around the block or as much as a night out
with the girls.
* Do what is necessary for her to enjoy a bubble bath
and have some quiet time for herself.

If your lifestyle habit is to be in separate parts of the house, then make it a point to be with each other for some "us" time. Cuddle, hug, kiss, and, just spend a while holding and caressing her with no other expectations. (If something more comes of this, so much the better.)

Not very keen on oral sex (either giving or recieving).

Check your methodology. Are you not going about this in the best way? Does she have a legitimate hang up concerning the practice?

If the former, learn how to best go about all this. Timing is just as important as technique. Very often guys begin oral stimulation way too soon and long before a woman has been adequately aroused. Wait, and try this just before beginning intercourse--which should also be timed for when she is extremely aroused. Read about the "KIVIN method" and try this at the appropriate time.

All too often guys begin intercourse without waiting for either a verbal or non-verbal invitation--and! way before the woman has been sufficiently aroused from all the fooling around and making out beforehand.

Sometimes she will let me tie her up etc or use a sex toy, but will never initate the idea's herself. In fact I find that she will never initiate sex on her own, she seems extremely shy and reserved about it. I have certainly tried talking to her about it, but I can honestly say after being together 10 years I couldn't say what really turns her on in bed, or what she enjoys.

Work on initiating changes beginning by reading the articles either together or separately then discussing the information, later.

Next, work on living "The Program".

I feel like a complete arsehole for that, and it is really something that gets to me, but I assure you it's not from lack of trying on my part. Whenever we talk about what she likes her response is always "I don't know", she never opens up to me about sex. I can't say if this is a protection measure or if she genuinely doesn't. If the second is true I'm not sure what I can do to help her find out apart from what I'm doing, introducing new things and always wanting to try new stuff.

It has been my experience from being a mentor for many years on this and other relationship sites, and from being self-taught in much the same way as I am recommending for the two of you. (I have a large library of books on relationships, and love) that both aspects are probably true for her.

It's so frustrating not knowing if she simply doesn't enjoy sex (is it possible?), doesn't enjoy me, or after all this time simply won't open up too me? I really want more but I don't know if that's simply being selfish, or if I should stay in a relationship I'm not 100% happy with (I know there will be some negatives in EVERY relationship).

There is an article that explains the approach of "Implied Consent". I suggest learning about it and then implementing it into what you do and how you approach each of your love making sessions.

Yes, it is possible that she does not enjoy sex. It is also possible that she does not know how to make changes, and this is why it is so important for you to begin instigating changes and employing "Implied Consent" as part of how you go about it.

It is also possible she is bored, especially if there is no spontaneity and/or everything is the same each time. It could be something else, so, I recommend that you begin rocking her world by doing things that will quite literally be unexpected. There is every chance that as your methods and techniques improve, so will her willingness to be more forthcoming about what she enjoys and would like to try.

We've tried talking to her doctor about it. We've tried changing her pill she is on incase it's lowering her labido, we even went off it for a while which did seem to help. Saying that we had a few scares with broken condom's so we went back on it.

There are many other forms of birth control than "the pill". There are several different formulations so there is not just "the" pill. If she wants to use the pills or a patch, encourage her to try one of the formulations that do not subdue her libido. As an alternative, suggest some other form of contraception like the diaphragm/spermicide, sponge, IUD, etc. You will find much discussion on all this in several of the articles.

I'm sorry if this is a disjointed post folks, I'm really just pouring my heart out in the early hours of the morning after another disappointing night with no intamcy and I really need to talk. I'll try and sum it up

- How can I get my wife's labido to increase?

Change the form of the pill she uses, or, employ a different method.

- How can I find out / help her find out what she enjoys in bed?

Asked and answered. Read the articles, (re)learn how to make out and do it for no less than half an hour before moving on to Foreplay and intercourse. Begin living "The Program".

- What's "normal" for a long term relationship, am I simply being selfish expecting too much from her / being unfair?

This is not normal; however, unfortunately, it is all too typical.

No matter what though, please know I do love my wife - I'm here trying to fix what is broken, but I don't care how bad things get I still want too stick by her if there is any chance of fixing things.

Thanks S101, hopefully you can come out with a few suggestions.

I hope this is of help. Please do not hesitate to ask questions, especially after doing your reading assignments and having some discussions. Even if she is not particularly interested in making changes right away, my guess is that she will once she sees the changes you are making and how these changes are affecting her in a good and positive way.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In the absence of physical illness or other medical condition - all sexual problems begin in the participants brains or in the relationship. This may not be anyone's fault, per se. Just what you have been taught and what she has been taught.

What you two have been taught about sex is mostly wrong. Sorry but it has to be said.

To begin: women are sexual titans when compared to men. It is just how they're made. Men are fast sprinters while women are slow to get going but are long-haul and keep going from orgasm to orgasm to orgasm once fully aroused.

Since no one truly objects to the joys of having orgasms, there must be some reason behind your wife's refusal to enjoy sexual congress with you. There are several reasons possible:

1. she has been taught that sex is bad/dirty/for procreation only since sex debases.
2. she thinks that you will not 'respect her in the morning' is she let's go; fear of what you might think of her
3. she's afraid to loose control somehow; that she may not respect herself
or
4. she's afraid of 'doing it wrong' or at least she fears she's not doing it right

The truth is that sex and sexuality is a birthright meant not only for procreation but also to bind the couple together as their relationship deepens from infatuation then romantic love into that deep abiding love that will conquer all before it come what may. Sex should be a joyous conflagration of souls reaffirming life itself.

So let's see what we can do to help.

If she's on BCPs she should consult her ob/gyn to discuss changing to another formulatin. They are all different and perhaps her current pills are not mixing well with her body's chemistry.

Next: remove what stress you can from her life. Do not ask what you can do to help, if you see something that needs to be done, just do it. No need to mention it either. If she mentions something you can tell her that you took care of it already along the lines of "Oh I walked the dog when Ig ot home from work." Just off hand like that.

Next: remove all distractions from your bedroom. Forget positions, toys, lingerie - they are not necessary. All you need are lower light levels, clean sheets and a bottle of edible body oil - learn to give her a massage. You will see the virtues of learnign this skill once you begin The Program.

Finally: NO, she is not tired of you. YES, she finds you attractive. She is however trying to deal with something going on in her head that she's not discussing with you (see reasons 2,3 & 4 above). So, quietly tell her that whatever she's trying to deal with on her own, you are her husband for life and that you love her to bits. Assure her that when she's ready, you are there to help her in any way you can. You cannot demand she tell you, you can only invite her to open up to you.

You two should set up a date night and plan on doing the first two steps outlined in The Program. Then gently move onto body worship (there's a sticky post on that topic as well) stop if she says so. You two should slowly go into the The Program - but always remember this is not The Olympics and no one's keeping score - 'perfection' is not required. You two only have to enjoy each other.

Relax. Go slow but steady - and be sure you give her enough room to express her sexuality. Thus far, she has not revealed her sexuality to you and that's a shame for it is an area worthy of the closest study.

Good luck to you both and consult me as needed.
I'm here to help.