A year on “The Program” the evolution of a marriage

[loverofcurves]

Hello every one. A lot of you here on this website may be acquainted with the method advocated by EvilEvilKitten known as “The Program”. Some of you have criticized it as impractical and too rigid to work. My wife and I have been on it since early December 2008. It has become a journey upon which we have reshaped and defined our marriage to a new level that neither of us could have expected. I will be honest in admitting that it has at times been a daunting struggle that pushed us to the limits. It is not easy to turn to the person closest to you in the entire world, look them in the eye and say “I’m not happy with us right now and we have to change” That was not easy for my wife to hear and it hurt. However being deeply in love and trusting that each of us only wanted the other to be happy has given us the strength to stick to the commitment we made to each other that we would try a new way that would dare to take the path to joy regardless of odds and obstacles. Just a quick note here: my wife has requested anonymity so her name will not be mentioned in this article in case any of you were wondering

In the spring of 2008 I felt a slipping between my wife and myself. Yes we said good morning, kissed and hugged, ate breakfast, went to work, came home, ate dinner (not always together) and then lived separate lives; she was downstairs I was upstairs on the computer with my games and emailing my friends. We made love sporadically when it was not too much of a bother to my wife and she wasn’t sleeping - that could be once a week or once a month. It was all by luck of the draw. However that February I had been to an endocrinologist who diagnosed me with a congenital testosterone deficiency so much so that without the hormonal gel I was prescribed I would have chronic fatigue syndrome. By March, long dormant powerful forces rose from deep within me overwhelming me with a ravenous hunger for my wife. I now knew that I was back to my real self but also that our marriage had been shrunk. We had started with a raging bonfire and had reduced it to a flashlight while living together more like roommates than a loving married couple. I really struggled with Joyce over this and at times it looked like we were on our way back but we always ended back where we began. I was big part of that and I will get more into the reasons why but then it seemed like I was trying to save a sinking ship. I went into a depression late summer early fall sometimes watching porn on line, which I had never done before, and even skimming through adult classifieds on Fling.com The situation was getting dire. We limped along like this until November as my 50th birthday approached. My wife asked me what I wanted along with a nice dinner with our family and closest friends. I asked if I could tie her up for a full blown bondage scene. This was, to say the least, a bit of a shock to my wife. We had tried it 10 years ago and she could not fully let go enough to let me tie her up fully. She does have a close friend who is a submissive with who she spoke to and told her to try it would be great. My goal was to use the bondage game as trust exercise that could liberate my wife’s deeper sexual self. Just maybe yet there could be something that would bust through the walls both within her and between us. She decided she would try it! I had gone to great pains to explain that this was for her and not about any pain or a power trip. In fact it was to be an experience of such total pleasure so deep that to try it unrestrained would be impossible! As we got closer to my birthday I quickly realized that there would be much more involved in this piece of advanced boudoir technique that I first thought there would be. I was becoming afraid that I would be making this up as I went. That could easily turn into a disaster! I typed in a search for 1st time bondage for couples and found this forum. As my good luck would have it I found a posting about a wife who wanted to try light bondage written by an equally nervous husband. It looked like I might find some guidance after all. Upon registering I also posted a letter asking for help with learning the fine art of love and ligature! This is when I became acquainted the O Wondrous Feline of Darkness aka EvilEvilKitten!!

A very intense and copious correspondence ensued immediately. I had dozens of questions not just about bondage but also about what I now comprehended was an entrée to a higher erotic realm of which EEK is one of it’s most sagacious denizens!! Indeed she is the closest thing to the Penthouse cartoon character ‘Wicked Wanda’ that you will find in real life. I found this both exciting and bit scary but that is part of the EEK experience, of course! She quickly understood that there was a bigger problem here than just me trying about a fun bedroom trick and she asked me to tell her where things stood. She reacted to the state of our marriage like an ER doctor with a patient whose heart had stopped and urged me to apply The Program with all due haste to shock us back to life! I sat down with Joyce and explained The Program to her. I might as well of asked her to commit a sex act with me in the middle of Main Street in our small town! “Three times a week!! Are you crazy??” Then began a deluge of angry accusations and denials along the lines of my ‘wanting too much from her’, that she must ‘not be good enough’ for me and that I should go find someone else, and that I ‘live in a fantasy world’ not looking at the other problems we have. Then a retreat to the bedroom with a slammed door and the sounds of her sobs echoing from inside. This almost broke my will but I knew that if I surrendered now that I would never have a chance to fix this ever again and that though this was going to be a real ordeal for the next few days it was far preferable to what we might have to endure if we left things the way they were. I could have appeased her by begging for her forgiveness. Of course that would have been the easy way. There’s a funny thing about the easy way it very often leads to Hell! The temperature in the bedroom might as well of been 20 below zero and I decided to leave her alone. Her reluctance had to be met head on so I wrote the love letter of my life! This letter is now a very cherished and private part of our marriage. I can tell you it was both a tidal wave of all of my love and bold challenge for her to reach up to be the woman I really knew she could be with such a severity that it stung like ice cold water. I can share this one paragraph:

“We said to each other ‘now and forever with my body I thee wed’ that means we're stronger than any garbage you or I were given growing up. You don't buy a great marriage you build it by going into the bedroom and releasing all that incredible life loving energy that helps both of us get through whatever life throws at us. We need air, water, food and each other in that order and the last just as regularly as the 1st three. You can starve a body of love just as bad as food or water. The crazy thing is you’re doing it to yourself and it kills me to see it! Well I won’t watch it happen anymore because you’re depriving yourself of God’s reward to those who believe in true love and doing so threatens to destroy the both of us.”

[loverofcurves]

She read it at work and said we would discuss it. Well she didn’t exactly swoon with rapture over what I wrote and she nit picked over this point and that, fuming and debating. I said “Well, are you turning me down or are you going to try?” She said “What will happen if I say no?” I said “I will fight you until you do try because if I don’t then we may have to go in different directions.” “You mean you’ll leave me?” “If I have to.” She had a look of stunned attention, looked down at the letter read it and said “OK we’ll try. I know you are doing this because you love me and I have to believe what you wrote and, besides, you are a lousy liar”

I feel it is important to stop for a moment to flush out the truth more in detail. I could leave things as they are but that would be the Hollywood version of reality. First, even after agreeing to try The Program, she was reluctant and still struggled with me. I knew that she was really fighting herself and I had to be the proxy for her repressed self trying to push aside the stone door that had been laid over her sexuality like the seal of a tomb by her mother and the previous men in her life who had used and abandoned her while leaving her joy of being a woman for dead. I would have to dig up articles from therapists reiterating chapter and verse the fundamentals of The Program. I did catch a lucky break with Oprah Winfrey coming on with couples who were in intensive sex therapy and they too were saying that a successful marriage did have to have scheduled time for sex. This strengthened my hand and eventually wore down her attempts to run away from her inner self. I knew that if I could get her past this 1st. week and get her to her 1st. session we could break out so I fought her more than I had in the 16 years that I had known her.

I am giving those reading this a fair warning that this will take commitment, courage and determination. Further, gather any and all evidence you can muster in advance and be ready because you may very well need every last round of ammo at your disposal. It became rather like deprogramming a cult member that you had just liberated! I had not really understood until I had forced this crossing of this deep and tumultuous river within my wife’s mind how much she had been emotionally abused! I can not make a blanket statement here but if there is any one revelation among the many others that stands out is that if the person closest to you resists opening up their sexuality with you when you initiate The Program, and I mean fighting you as you were asking them to drink cyanide, then that is a clear sign that they were abused (perhaps not physically) very badly by people she or he once trusted and still is hurting from those wounds. You challenging them to open themselves up to new level of physical and emotional intimacy means having to confront that horrible pain and get through it. If this struggle gets to the point to where it is going threaten to break up your relationship get a professional involved immediately either for both of you or for your spouse alone. Do NOT try to play psycho-therapist. Normal people without any serious emotional damage when given the chance to take time out to have orgasms by the bushel load with the person they love more than anyone else in the world will check their schedules then race you to the bedroom! We were very fortunate that we have such a deep bond of love and trust that bore us through this hazardous first two weeks. It also helped that my wife IS a psychotherapist and was acting as her own analyst working through the process with me as we broke down piece by piece what exactly she was afraid of and why she was blocking herself from achieving a new level of joy in her life with me. My wife did gain the confidence and strength to roll away that seal of the tomb to free that poor frightened girl inside of her who was convinced that she was an unworthy fat pig that no one could ever really want physically her or truly love her. That girl was at long last integrated into my wife’s soul and gives out marriage new life with her renewed love of life and energy.

You may not have those advantages so if the resistance becomes severe take this as a HUGE warning sign that you have uncovered some hidden pain in your partner that needs the attention of a mental health professional. One other thing, do some soul searching looking at your own shortcomings. The problem may not always be internal there may be real issues between the two of you and they should be fully discussed in a calm and mature manner. Lay out all of your sins and foibles saying here “I am warts and all!! I love you as you are with your problems. I want you to love me as I am!” If you have been or are the guilty party, own up, ask for forgiveness and state that this will be a chance for the two of you to improve, heal and become stronger.

This is a very key part of The Program that needs to be heavily emphasized – it can’t all be on your partner; you have to look very critically at yourself. In as much you are challenging your partner to rise to a new level, you must also do so with yourself. Whatever it is that you could be doing to make life easier for the person you spend your days and nights with and are not doing: MAKE A LIST AND GET ON IT!! I’m especially looking at the men here. Be it cooking, cleaning, doing the bills, walking the dog or any other job that if that person didn’t have to do would give them more opportunity to relax be very happy they are with you and get into the right frame of mind for having some playtime with you, whatever it might be – do it. Don’t wait to be asked. When you do these chores do not brag about having done them because you will be sounding like a kid expecting a reward and that puts pressure on her. Just do them and tell her that you took care of X,Y and Z and quietly walk away. She will be impressed that you did it and are being her ‘back up’ at home. Oh when you do things for her put a little snap into it, like they say in the Army, meaning dash, dedication and élan i.e. put your heart AND your back into it. Too often we expect our wives to come home from work make dinner, listen to us bitch and moan about our day then put the kids to bed and THEN be Cleopatra! It ain’t happening Charley!! Oh even better, when we do get to bed we become MASTER PORN MOVIE DIRECTOR!! We want her to wear this and do it this special thing and it has to be just right! You know what you are doing boyo? You are sucking all of the oxygen out of the room and also out of your marriage by being a dominating control freak. Your wife/girlfriend will just shut down because she can’t take it any more and then just give you appeasement sex just to shut you up! Isn’t that just a wonderful way to be together? No. How do I know about this? Because when my wife and I REALLY talked about our sex life for the first time in years she felt she HAD to tell me the truth because it was either be honest or risk losing our marriage. When we did really talk openly is when I got it with both barrels!! To my astonishment I found out that I what a selfish a-hole I have been over the years and that I did not have a clue what I was doing to her! I was compounding her internal problems (in fact confirming some of her secret fears) with my immature view of what married life sex is supposed to be like! Hint: it’s NOT a cross between your adolescent masturbation fantasies and a bad porn movie! I want to make clear that I am not out to beat up on men. I am merely writing what I learned this last year and since I am a man I am sharing the lessons that I learned relevent to me as a man

So you, Mister, have got a lot of relearning to do about what makes a woman tick in bed along with yourself. This is where The Program really comes in as a lifesaver to your marriage. Guys, let’s face the hard cold reality here, ok? When it comes to sex on an advanced level we’re buffoons! We might know some things we read or things we heard from the Internet or wherever but for the most part we are BLUFFING!! We do not have a full understanding of womens bodies on a deeper physiological level enough to confidently know how to pleasure a woman for hours! We have been taught that WE give the woman the orgasms!! Do you know what stupid sexist propaganda that is? It is totally wrong factually and morally!! It is also a marriage killer because it puts all the pressure on us men while making women feel there is nothing they should do. I used to feel that if my wife masturbated during lovemaking that I wasn’t doing my ‘job”!! See how absurd this is? This ignorant programming sets up EVERYBODY to fail!! The sooner we men admit the truth and say “OK teach me what I should of learned when I was 16” and go from there the far happier our wives and girl friends will be! Oh yeah by the way we’ll be getting laid like it’s going out of style because we’re finally listening to her!!

This is the part of The Program that shines and kicks in to save your marriage, how is this done? By teaching us about our respective partner’s bodies and a lot more about how own bodies tick sexually. I learned how to use all of my body in lovemaking while learning more about hers. Now I make love to ALL of my wife’s body from head to toes! Just giving her a back rub turns me on now because I appreciate the skin as a sex organ. Further as the process goes you go from body to body up to mind to mind.

[loverofcurves]

Here’s Step One, and when my wife REALLY let this sink in it was a revelation from on High!! -EVERYBODY {men and women both) please repeat after me- I AND ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ORGASMS. MY PARTNER IS TO HELP AND FACILITATE ME WITH REACHING ORGASM BUT IN THE END MY PLEASURE IS UP TO ME!! I mean this!! Please read this sentence out loud where ever you are as long as you won’t embarrass yourself while really listening to this statement and think about it!! When my wife let that sink in it was truly the beginning of her self-liberation and fundamental change. When this really hit she began to read EEK’s book Superb Sex with earnest!! Let me give you a quick example (guys get out the note pad) I did an exercise called Poke the Tigress when it was her first time to be the initiator. I laid down on my side of the bed with my arms folded. She stared at me and said ‘What are you doing?” “Nothing!” “Aren’t you going to start?” “NOPE! And I won’t be doing anything! Come and get me!! Nothing is happening in this bed until you do!!!” There was some moaning and griping. I said “Do you really want to have what Superb Sex talked about?” “Of course I do!” “Then come on!” "OK you asked for it!! And there will no mercy!!” she said with an very evil grin and the scarily intense eyes of a cat about to pounce on it's prey.

Yes indeed I did ‘poke the tiger’ or in my wife’s case the Lioness™ (because she is a Leo and has a mane of long beautiful hair). The Lioness came roaring out of her cage at long last!! I will not tell tales out of the bedroom but I can say that if you do this guys with your heretofore “shy” wife you are in for a VERY eye opening (and other parts also) experience! She left me gasping for breath while I staggered into the bathroom to regroup in amazement going “WOW THIS WHO SHE REALLY IS!!” swiftly followed by- a gasping “Am I going to be able to survive tonight??!!” From that point on we continued The Program while making our own changes to make it more of our own. It didn’t go perfectly of happily ever after and yes, a few times it did seem we were starting from scratch but as we got into the summer of 2009, I noticed that my wife was saying “OK, its Tuesday I want to be in bed by 10.” Also, she was becoming more relaxed and was starting to call me to tell me she was looking forward to having our date night. Things gradually improved to the point that the previous November looked like a long time ago.

The complete break through point was on our 10th anniversary. She wore full stockings and a garter belt (and very nice ones at that) on her own to dinner for the 1st time ever. After we got back from dinner she was tired but insisted that we have our session. She was getting chills and I said its OK we can pick it up when we get home. She said “No this is our night and we’ll finish it. Set the alarm for 3 hours and go at it!” The alarm went off, I bolted up asking “Is it on?” and then she awoke saying “Yes it is!” From there I witnessed my wife rise to a level of womanly majesty and sexual power that even I did not dream she was capable of!! We succumbed to sleep after repeated orgasms well after the sunrise. She woke me with her hand squeezing mine about 9 A.M. whispering “I will always want you” and with that, amazed me as she began to do body worship on me that set every nerve ending of my body to tingling with delight to initiate yet another round of passion even though I had already resigned myself to being spent!! She was now the Fire Dancer, the Priestess of our love’s temple and she could do magic!!

So we had come full circle from my being the anxious sex starved husband with a ‘half-woman’ for a wife to an entranced and bedazzled man of a now unbridled woman at the height of her powers for my wife!!

NOW my wife’s true inner woman has emerged and she surpasses my wildest dreams to the point of making them look laughable!! We have made The Program completely our own, though we do not follow it to the letter; meaning we’re not spending 12 hours a week on it. However the fun part is that we really want to get to those 12 hours and are getting closer with every passing week! She has gone from the lady who lived down stairs to "The Lioness" who cannot wait to come up the stairs to roar with me in bed!! No it’s not a Disney movie, it’s much better! Like the old commercials for the spaghetti sauce in the 60’s said “Try it! You-a like it!” My hopes and prayers go out to all of you who read this and decide this the day you will lead your marriage to Joy and Love Forever.

Be Brave and Believe it will work!
Karl Lover of Curves