Sex Life is DECREASING dramatically! :(

[Bubsgirl12]

Hi so i have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, but we have known eachother for 4 years, and were bestfriends before we started going out. When we first start dating the first 2 years are sex life was AMAZING then i started taking YAZ birth control and my sex drive started decreasing dramatically, i stopped taking it once i realized it and havent been on it for about a year. My sex drive is still down and we have probably could count on two hands the amount of times we have had sex in the past YEAR which is sad, because i'm in my prime and should be like a "jack rabbit" in his terms like we use to be. I am VERY attractive to him, its just when i'm in the mood i dont have that "JUMP" to just get into it.

Sometimes i'll get all dressed up and put on cute outfits but i'm usually under the influence of alcohol and never usually sober and are sex is great. But other than that we NEVER have sex. I know he's the one i'm going to end up with and he has told me the same, but unless I can get over this and find a way to pick up our sex life i feel like he's going to either 1. leave me or 2. cheat on me, and i dont think i could live with either!

I really need some advice on what to do i'm 21 and have no sex life which is PATHETIC can you please please please give me some advice to help my relationship.

[dancingdoc2]

Please wait for our resident M.D., Brandye to join the discussion in the morning.

> i'm usually under the influence of alcohol and never usually sober and are sex is great.

Alcohol is a crutch. Alcohol is a depressant. While you may believe sex is great while inebriated it is better to remain sober with a clear head.

> i'm in my prime and should be like a "jack rabbit"

You are indeed in your prime physically and mentally; however, your sexual prime will happen during your thirties.

> i feel like he's going to either 1. leave me or 2. cheat on me, and i dont think i could live with either!

He may or may not leave. Cheat? No. Because there is no exchange of vows there is nothing to cheat about. You are dating and either or both of you can legitimately date others at the same time and it is not cheating.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page, you will find additional information.

After Brandye adds her comments, please do not hesitate to ask questions if any come to mind.

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are nowhere near your sexual prime. Reproductive prime, yes; sexual prime, hardly.

In the absence of medical issues, and you should go and get this checked out, the inability to enjoy sex is in your head. Your beliefs, policies regarding sex, your attitudes toward men both in general and in particular - all of these will have their affect upon you. Give yorself permission to enjoy sex and see sex as a positive.

Next, as a 21-yr old female - so what if he leaves? You are desired by most males and not a few females on the planet just on that basis alone so RELAX. Leave the alcohol alone and stop playing 'dress-up' like some little girl. All of that screams "I'm insecure" which is unattractive and desire-killing. BE YOUR BEST SELF and recognize that even if that isn't quite what he had in mind - being who you are is the only way to live.

Finally, find, read, and then do the two sticky posts entitled The Program and Body Worship. Because, it may not be you, it might be what you're actually doing or not doing. It might also be who you're doing it with. You may have too much history together.

Some things for you to consider.

[dancingdoc2]

> its just when i'm in the mood i dont have that "JUMP" to just get into it.

> Sometimes i'll get all dressed up and put on cute outfits but i'm usually under the influence of alcohol and never usually sober and are sex is great. But other than that we NEVER have sex.

Last night one of the songs we were dancing to was "In The Mood", and this thought came to me: Because you can get in the "mood", and, because you can have great sex, why not make the following substitution, that being--

Substitute acting and role playing for the spirits and most likely the "spirit" will move you to have great sex. Here's what I mean: Very often a person can change the script in their head by acting like the person they wish to become. Like an actress playing the role of someone in a play or movie, if you act the part of the person you wish to portray or become, sooner or later the old script will be replaced with the new one. I have recommended this approach several times to others.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Brandye]

Any lingering effects of the Yaz would be long gone after a year. As Evil points out, it is mostly in your head. Your body may be telling you something that your mind is not yet ready for.

The alcohol is actually a sexual depressant but loosens your inhibitions. So, you may become willing but no more likely to find it enjoyable. That also increases the chance of carelessness with contraception. Bad mix.

See your gyn and get a checkup to include hormone levels. Then, think it over.

[EvilEvilKitten]

What you're doing by playing this tipsy dressed-up party girl is trying to separate sex from who you are because in your mind "sex is dirty/bad/debasing" and you can only give yourself permission to enjoy sex by making it 'not your fault' via this alter ego persona.

This attitude will slowly permiate the rest the your life and will gradually erode your relationship and you'll end up not as lovers but as roommates. Except when you need a 'tipsy dressed-up party girl' fix to keep you going.

STOP IT NOW

Sex is not bad/dirty/debasing.

Sex is a joyous conflagration of souls reaffirming life itself.

Instead of shoving sex off to the side, accept and then embrace your sexuality for the gift it is. Own your sexuality.

This pleasure is your birthright.

[Bubsgirl12]

So thanks for the advice i will def consider all of it the only thing i dont understand is how dancingdoc2 can say that being in a relationship and dating or anything with someone else is not cheating, when your with someone for a certain amount of time, and if they go behind your back and sleep with someone else isnt that cheating? i dont really understand that yeah were not married but we do have a commitment to each other when we made the understanding to be with eachother and how neither on of us wants to see eachother with someone else.

And when people say i should knock off dressing up when that "stimulates" my sexual arousal why exactly would i stop and second im dressing up like a school girl or anything like that i just dress up like im going to dinner or something makeup and hair and make my self look good in my opinion to feel better, i do have low self a steam about myself, so i was just curious about those two things.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You DON'T feel 'sexy' just being you - and that's a problem. Stopping that 'dress-up' behavior will lead to a more integrated personality - one that accepts herself and considers herself 'sexy' just as she is. No choice = change.

Because without VOWS there is no 'cheating'. Period. An "understanding" is not worth the paper it isn't written on and what you thought you understood may not be what he thought and so on. Also, this idea that you have the right to control someone to whom you are not married to is REPUGNANT and indicates low self-esteem because it is your inner self saying "I'm insecure and I need to know that you're all mine" which goes right back to the first paragraph above. You didn't have to tell us that you have low self-esteem - it was so apparent that a blind man could see it and one has to ask what in the hell has your bf of 3 years done to bring that on or why hasn't he helped you get over that already?

You have stopped believing in yourself.
FIX THAT.