Any advice??

[chicaloca123]

I'm new to this forum and am looking for a friendly ear and any advice to help me with my current situation. I've been married for 6 years (together 13) and i love my husband very much. We have a great life together apart from one issue, he never wants to have sex. The first couple of months we were together everything was great and he couldn't keep his hands off me but then it suddenly stopped. It got to the point where i could only have sex with him when he was really drunk but now it's gotten to the point that he refuses even when intoxicated. If we has sex once a year, then that is considered to be a good year for me.

I know a lot of people might wonder why i stayed with him when the sex stopped so soon into our relationship but it's because i love him so much and thought that we could work through this, given that we had so much enjoyment when we first met. We've spoken about the issue and been through counselling twice but with no success. He tells me that it's because he has no sexual desire and low testosterone levels but recently my suspicions were raised and i found out that he engages in cybersex on the internet. I just can't understand what is going on. He tells me that he wants to resolve the issue and have an active sex life with me but i just don't know anymore. I've tried everything to get him interested in sex (fancy lingerie, sending naughty text messages etc) but nothing seems to work. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated..

[wet_suit_one]

Oy vey!

I feel for you.

I have no advice...

That's so sad...

[chicaloca123]

That's ok.
Thanks for taking the time to read it. Feel slightly better having gotten some of this off my chest..

[Brandye]

See a counselor - for you. Include him in the sessions as the therapist sees fit. If he will not participate, you will have to move on or live with it.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by chicaloca123

I'm new to this forum and am looking for a friendly ear and any advice to help me with my current situation.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

I've been married for 6 years (together 13) and i love my husband very much. We have a great life together apart from one issue, he never wants to have sex.

A good relationship is based in a major way upon communication and feedback. If one or the other or both parties are unwilling to talk then frustration and unhappiness will eventually reign.

The first couple of months we were together everything was great and he couldn't keep his hands off me but then it suddenly stopped. It got to the point where i could only have sex with him when he was really drunk but now it's gotten to the point that he refuses even when intoxicated. If we has sex once a year, then that is considered to be a good year for me.

Please browse the Index found at the top of the main screen. There is an article about living together that you might like to read. It makes mention of how some young fellas woo and wow their girlfriends into dating and then living together and perhaps marriage and once the conquest is successful, they move on to other pursuits and conquests, all but forgetting about previous ones.

It may be that this is the case with him, maybe not. From your description of events, I wouldn't be surprised if he loves you, although, is not "in love" with you. This often means that there are no "sparks" and "chemistry" between you. He loves you yet not enough to make love with you.

What he got from your conquest is a house mate, housekeeper, cook, laundry maid, etc. that apparently works well for him.

I know a lot of people might wonder why i stayed with him when the sex stopped so soon into our relationship but it's because i love him so much and thought that we could work through this, given that we had so much enjoyment when we first met.

How often we hear a woman declare: "but I love him." "I thought I could fix him". It can happen only if he desires to change. In the situation you describe, there is no reason so far as he sees it. His life is working for him. It may be that he was wooing you yet not so much as loving you.

We've spoken about the issue and been through counselling twice but with no success.

Perhaps another counselor is called for. Perhaps his heart is not into any counseling. What are your thoughts?

He tells me that it's because he has no sexual desire and low testosterone levels but

And he knows this how? In addition to counseling, he should probably have a medical check up to include hormone evaluations.

recently my suspicions were raised and i found out that he engages in cybersex on the internet. I just can't understand what is going on. He tells me that he wants to resolve the issue and have an active sex life with me but i just don't know anymore.

Asked and answered.

I've tried everything to get him interested in sex (fancy lingerie, sending naughty text messages etc) but nothing seems to work. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated..

Asked and answered. Give all this a try and then report back after finding a counselor who specializes in this area of relationships, plus the medical evaluation to see what his hormones are doing. I'd suggest the doctor and lab first, since you have done the counseling, then armed with more complete information, return to counseling.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[EvilEvilKitten]

It isn't often that we come across this problem but, in the absence of medical issues, there is no reason why husband or wife has accept a "nonsexual" marriage. Please stop being nice, pleading, understanding, weepy and all of that other stuff - you're not 13 any more and you're fighting for the mind of the man you love. That he himself is 'the enemy' is neither here nor there.

The time has come for you to forget the lingerie and to bring out the big guns. Your man needs re-educating and now is the time. Go forth and buy some sex restraint system and seduce him into it and then, when he cannot escape, see how many times you can get him to cum (full erection and ejaculation included) in 45 minutes flat. Use whatever method you'd like. Enjoy yourself while doing this. After 45 minutes, release him and wander away out of the bedroom.

You two can discuss the results later.
The point is proving to him that HE IS YOURS and that his first obligation is to you.
Just think of this as "Dominatrix Therapy".

[wet_suit_one]

I really do like the way EEK thinks!

You is da bomb my dear.

That said, not sure it would work on me in all circumstances.

Marriage seems like such an unnatural institution...

[chicaloca123]

Thanks for all the advice.

He did have his testosterone levels checked a number of years ago and they were lower than normal. We've talked a lot recently about our current situation and i've told him how upset and frustrated i am by it. He said he couldn't bear to see me so upset and has agreed to go back to the doctor to find out more. I'm sure they'll test his hormone levels again and if they are still low, will hopefully offer some advice about what we can do. I think the thing i've stuggled most to make sense of is how if he genuinely does have low testosterone levels (which i've always accepted and tried to be understanding about) why he is fooling around with someone else. That wouldn't make any sense - if he doesn't have sexual desire full stop, then surely that would apply in all cases - not just to me?? I suppose i'll know more once tests have been done.

I also queried the idea before that he loves me but is not in love with me. He has a very cushty life with me - i'm the main earner, do housework, cleaning - basically everything that needs to be done. So it is possible that he's got his nice safe and secure base at home with me, while he seeks his enjoyment etc elsewhere.

I would also go back to counselling - i think he would go along but if not i think it would be good for me regardless.

Also, love the idea of dominatrix therapy. Don't know what he would make of it but i'm fast running out of patience and ideas so i'll try anything!

[EvilEvilKitten]

You'd be surprised what having a tigress about the house does for a man - plus - he'll take over looking after some of the housework for you.

Low testosterone levels are easily dealt with - there are creams to rub on the skin, patches to wear on the skin and pills he could take - even shots in the arm available. Lots of choices so tell him to get off his butt.

Once his levels are normal: do The Progam and Body Worhip 3 times per week working up to 12 hors of sex per week.

[dancingdoc2]

> You'd be surprised what having a tigress about the house does for a man - plus - he'll take over looking after some of the housework for you.

Maybe yes; maybe no. He may need a reason to get off his cushion.

Great relationships are partnerships in which two autonomous adults decide to join forces in order to have lives better than the sum of its individual parts. What is missing in yours? My suggestion is for you to redefine the "equal" in partnership. The two of you should have responsibilities around the house and some that overlap like doing laundry, cooking, dishes, house cleaning, etc. If he is not pulling his equal weight however you have outlined the chores and obligations, then start anew.

As an example, when I was growing up my "house training" consisted of knowing how to do odd jobs like vacuuming, window washing, and cooking a bit more than a steak. The mindset then was that the men took care of the outside and women took care of the inside. Years later, divorced, I had no clue how to integrate and manage housekeeping, pay bills, budget, etc., et cetera, etc. I ran back home to mommy and took a crash course in cooking and home economics. So, if your marriage is indeed lopsided, then why?

> The first couple of months we were together everything was great and he couldn't keep his hands off me but then it suddenly stopped. It got to the point where i could only have sex with him when he was really drunk but now it's gotten to the point that he refuses even when intoxicated.

This reinforces my notion that "he is just not that into you" as the saying goes.

> - if he doesn't have sexual desire full stop, then surely that would apply in all cases - not just to me?

Asked and answered.

> Let's say he is very much in love with you, has gotten into a rut by not having many if any household responsibilities, even if his libido was low, wouldn't he want to summon up the will to do things to make you happy romantically? That he is not, is why I am doing all the wondering here.