How to Discuss a Family Member's Relationship

[funinthesun]

Hello all,

- I am trying to discern the best way to discuss the consequences of a poor quality relationship with a family member in her late 20's. She has been dating a 39 yr old fool for the last couple years and the rest of the family and I are concerned about it keeping her in a rut.

- She's a highly educated, beautiful woman in terrific shape who lost a lot of her confidence after being denied entrance to the doctoral program and job position she applied to at the same time as her last relationship ended and he snuck in while she was sad and lonely. He had actually tried to get her attention many times before, and she was always very turned off for the exact same reasons we are: he is immature, weak, unintelligent, and still on cruise control with no desires nearing 40. All of his friends have the same persona.

- The only redeeming quality is that he cares about her and attempts to make her happy. I'd be fine with that if he actually did, but he's just a rebound cushion that stuck around and I can always see in her facial expressions and eyes that she's much more often embarrassed than pleased with him. It's extremely frustrating that we talked about this before(about a year and a half ago) and she agreed with everything then lost the confidence to do something about it, scared to be alone.

- At this point it's a disservice to both of them to be in an exclusive relationship that isn't a long term fit. Does anyone have a suggestion to bring this up in a manner that won't result in her becoming extremely defensive and shutting things out?

[LickMyGamete]

I wouldn't say anything more to her...people are generally pretty perceptive and I'm positive she knows of your families dislike for him (although I'm cheating cuz you said you discussed it with her already..so she knows).

What's she doing career/school wise? People with the drive and ambition to get places in life generally don't stay in relationships with people unmotivated and happy with the rock bottom. If you really want to help her get rid of him, maybe you could encourage her to finish her education and do things to help her get back on track with her goals...help her become who she use to be. But that's as far as I would take it.

[Brandye]

When in private conversation, ask her how the relationship is going. IF she gives you an opening, GENTLY tell her of the family's concerns.

[EvilEvilKitten]

This is what you do. Do not talk about it at all. Instead invite her to a party of your making. Invite all of the desirable single men who are more suitable matches for her. Include dancing in the program. And,for a bit of fun, have her dance with every single guy.

Then take her out to a spa or salon for a good "lady's day out" where you two can 'discuss' the various men she met at your party.

Women do not let go of "lap dogs" until they can replace him with a full grown adult man. So bring such men to her attention and be sure to tell these men that despite appearances - she's single.

BTW - this is the 'clean version' of the tactic. If you want to know the 'other' one - ask me privately.

[funinthesun]

Originally Posted by Brandye

When in private conversation, ask her how the relationship is going. IF she gives you an opening, GENTLY tell her of the family's concerns.

I did just that a few months into the relationship the last time I was home and she brought up what I thought about him. I very politely said that I thought the same things she thought and told me when she was frustrated with him asking her out before. She was upset and then asked what our parents felt and I again, very gently, explained the same things and that they hadn't spoken up because they thought it was better for her to recognize those things on her own, even if they were really, really hoping it'd happen sooner rather than later.

She cried and said that it was just nice having someone who genuinely cared, but admitted that it was the only benefit and that it wasn't good for either of them in the big picture and that she'd take care of it. I assumed that she would, and then while I was gone she was rejected from the program she'd applied for and she just lost most confidence and gumption, including that necessary to end a relationship with someone who works in the same building.

The real concern to my parents and me is that loss of confidence. We're positive that he couldn't last a month around her old group of college friends or ours because he simply is too immature and dumb to not make a fool of himself at all times, but that current group of complacent people with low expectations doesn't show those things. I know she sees the same things, and it's very unsettling to see her acting so meekly and it is especially upsetting for the women in the family to see her acting that way and they've about had it. (they'd easily throw him overboard with an arm and leg tied behind their backs and they're in their 50's!) She's taking the easy way out and it's gone on too long. Sheesh, before him she'd just declined relationships with intelligent millionaires in terrific shape because the spark just wasn't there, even if they did care deeply about her and bring tons of perks. Now she's with this fool who's inferior to those in just about every way imaginable?


My visit was only a couple weeks and I've spent the last year and a half quite far away. I just finished college (whew, 8 yrs is enough) and am at home for a month to spend more time with family again and am hoping to help remedy the situation while here.

and yes, I would enjoy a PM, EEK. TYVM

[Brandye]

Classic rebound relationship. You have done what you could and she has to make the decision.

And congrats on the eight year accomplishment!!

[funinthesun]

Thank you. After the last 3 yrs of 18-24hr days 7days/week, it's so nice to be on a normal sleep schedule again!